First, on a basic level, one must be repentant for all sins to receive a valid absolution. So it is not permissible to withold a sin and expect to be absolved for others.
Your questions at the end (about being out of luck) implies you don’t quite understand how absolution works. Yes, one is absolved of specific sins (i.e. the ones one has actually committed), but all sins are a rejection of God and a turning away from his will. What is actually being sought and offered in the Sacrament of Reconciliation is reconciliation between the sinner and God (and his Church). The sinner recognises that s/he has turned away from God and desires to return; s/he goes to receive God’s forgiveness and is brought back into full communion with him. It is nonsense to be affronted that one sin which one is sorry for cannot be forgiven until all are repented, or consider it bad luck.The fact that other sins remain unconfessed indicates that one does not truly want to accept God’s forgiveness on his terms and thus one is not truly repentant for any of one’s sins. Repentance (metanoia) is a 180 degree turn in our life, back to God, it doesn’t work on a sin by sin basis, it works on a give everything to God or don’t really give anything to God basis.
Believe me, I’m not preaching at you (I don’t even know your situation). I spent many years going to confession under the circumstances you describe; I witheld the sins of masturbation and contraception, thinking (as you describe) that I knew better than the Church! I was confused, doubtful, sceptical…all those things, and all the while I
thought I was totally devoted to the Lord
With that in mind, I would say to you that the person can confess the sin they’re not sure of and explain to the priest their confusion and doubts. (Take time to choose a good and understanding priest and make an appointment so as to be able to take your time) The priest can help to counsel the sinner and guide him/her. He may or may not grant absolution on that particular occasion, but at least the penitent (I use the word deliberately) will have sought help and advice as to how to overcome the problem.
In my case, I lay down and prayed before the Blessed Sacrament and begged for guidance as to why I was feeling so conflicted. Why did I feel so sure that I was right and yet the Church said I was wrong? I was given the grace to feel a detestation for my sins and a horror at my pride and presumption in putting myself above the Church. I confessed everything and was granted absolution. I have never again been seriously tempted to do either of those things.
At that time (of repentance and confession), I did not understand
why those things were wrong, I was happily given the grace to be able to accept the Church’s teaching as right and just without seeking to fathom it. Later on, I came to understand why the Church is right on those matters and how it all works, but I had to accept it on faith for quite a while before that understanding came to me.
What I’m trying to say here is, a person in the situation you describe shouldn’t set themselves a false target of what repentance is. Repentance is turning back to God, fully and completely accepting his primacy in one’s life and recognising one’s own failings before him:
- Repentance does not always tally with feelings of guilt, remorse, being sorry and other non-technical terms. They can come before or after or possibly not at all.
- Feeling that one may slip back into the sin in the future through human weakness is not the same as deliberately intending to go on committing the sin. It’s perfectly (more than) fine to trust in God’s mercy and grace to help you through a sin you struggle with so long as you’re prepared to make the effort; that is utterly different from having no intention of stopping.
In answer to your question:
of course that person should go to Confession and should pray for the grace to be truly repentant of all his/her sins. Such a person should wake up to God in his/her life, prompting the feelings that something is wrong and accept his love and mercy. As I said (sorry for the wordy post), the priest will help to untangle all these problems, and, although he may well refuse absolution in the first instance, he will help the person towards reconciliation.
Bottom line: never ever stop going to Confession (and never withold anything in Confession) and always rely on the grace of God to get you through whatever problems you have.
