Confession privacy between spouses

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Hello all, I could only find one thread related to this topic from back in 2006, but I wanted the (name removed by moderator)ut of other Catholic married couples.

Typically, when we go to confession, my wife will tell me everything that she confessed. She will oftentimes wait for me to volunteer what I confessed, and if I don’t, she’ll ask me what I confessed. If I express any hesitancy to tell her, she wants to know why that is.

I can’t really put my finger on it, but this makes me very uncomfortable. I don’t want to go through the list of sins that I just confessed with her (or anyone else other than the priest in the confessional and God), and I don’t think that this is cause for concern. I think privacy should be assumed and the default position.

I’ll usually swap assigned penances with my wife no problem. And sometimes I give her a listing of sins that I confessed to make her happy. I don’t think that I want to hide anything from her; there are some sexual impurities that I deal with that I do tell her about, outside of the context of having just stepped out of the confessional.

Am I being unreasonable here? Would it be healthy and good for us, as a married couple, to confess our confessions to each other? Is it perfectly natural and healthy for me to expect privacy around my confession, even with my wife? What is your opinion?
 
There’s no blanket rule here. Certainly you aren’t obliged to tell your spouse. In fact, I have had a priest confessor, who knew me well at the time, specifically advise me NOT to discuss certain sins with my wife as he felt it would do more harm than good (not an affair or something on that scale - though even there it isn’t always prudent). I think you should bring this up in the confessional and ask the priest for guidance.
 
There is certainly no need to give such details to a spouse. Certainly if you have sinned against your spouse apologies are in order. You need not say you confessed it just that you are sorry for hurting her.

Now some people here disagree but I think any sexual activity with someone other than your spouse is information that other spouse needs to know. I think it can really harm a marriage if those infedilities aren’t brought up and discussed with a priest or therapist in counseling.
 
It is none of her business.
Actually, I find it strange. I would never ask my husband what he confessed, and I would expect a very curt “that is between me, my confessor, & God” for an answer. I don’t think I would push for more.
 
My wife and I never discussed our confessions with each other. I’ve never heard of such a practice.

When I was growing up, our family went together for Saturday confessions. Nobody ever asked another what they confessed. That would be a violation of privacy.
 
dahbeegs said:
Hello all, I could only find one thread related to this topic from back in 2006, but I wanted the (name removed by moderator)ut of other Catholic married couples.

Typically, when we go to confession, my wife will tell me everything that she confessed. She will oftentimes wait for me to volunteer what I confessed, and if I don’t, she’ll ask me what I confessed. If I express any hesitancy to tell her, she wants to know why that is.

I can’t really put my finger on it, but this makes me very uncomfortable. I don’t want to go through the list of sins that I just confessed with her (or anyone else other than the priest in the confessional and God), and I don’t think that this is cause for concern. I think privacy should be assumed and the default position.

I’ll usually swap assigned penances with my wife no problem. And sometimes I give her a listing of sins that I confessed to make her happy. I don’t think that I want to hide anything from her; there are some sexual impurities that I deal with that I do tell her about, outside of the context of having just stepped out of the confessional.

Am I being unreasonable here? Would it be healthy and good for us, as a married couple, to confess our confessions to each other? Is it perfectly natural and healthy for me to expect privacy around my confession, even with my wife? What is your opinion?
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The other posters are correct, so I need not repeat what they have said.

In regards to how you should go about speaking to your wife to change things: I would advise you speak to your priest and ask for advice on how to go about communicating this fact that you do not have to tell her your sins, and it is inappropriate for her to request it. You may even want to have a priest there when you talk to her about it.

It would be a shame to damage the relationship just because she has odd and somewhat controlling ideas about confession and sin.
 
dahbeegs said:
Hello all, I could only find one thread related to this topic from back in 2006, but I wanted the (name removed by moderator)ut of other Catholic married couples.

Typically, when we go to confession, my wife will tell me everything that she confessed. She will oftentimes wait for me to volunteer what I confessed, and if I don’t, she’ll ask me what I confessed. If I express any hesitancy to tell her, she wants to know why that is.

I can’t really put my finger on it, but this makes me very uncomfortable. I don’t want to go through the list of sins that I just confessed with her (or anyone else other than the priest in the confessional and God), and I don’t think that this is cause for concern. I think privacy should be assumed and the default position.

I’ll usually swap assigned penances with my wife no problem. And sometimes I give her a listing of sins that I confessed to make her happy. I don’t think that I want to hide anything from her; there are some sexual impurities that I deal with that I do tell her about, outside of the context of having just stepped out of the confessional.

Am I being unreasonable here? Would it be healthy and good for us, as a married couple, to confess our confessions to each other? Is it perfectly natural and healthy for me to expect privacy around my confession, even with my wife? What is your opinion?
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Next time she does this. when starts in her ‘confession’ interrupt her and say that’s nice dear but i don’t need to know. But if there something i can help you with we can talk about that.
 
Just want to thank all of you for your responses and (name removed by moderator)ut! It is certainly much appreciated.

My wife was raised nominally Baptist, and went through RCIA last year. Confession is still odd and nerve wracking for her. I think wanting to talk about it is a way for her to try and dispel the tension a bit.
 
dahbeegs said:
I don’t think that I want to hide anything from her; there are some sexual impurities that I deal with that I do tell her about, outside of the context of having just stepped out of the confessional.
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I can’t help but think your sexual impurities hurt her very much and she wants to know you confessed them because she needs reassurance you know you are being hurtful to her
 
Oneofthewomen said:
It is none of her business.
Actually, I find it strange. I would never ask my husband what he confessed, and I would expect a very curt “that is between me, my confessor, & God” for an answer. I don’t think I would push for more.
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Same here. I can’t imagine wanting to know what my husband confessed, and my confession is none of his business. We have on occasion talked about our penances, but that’s it.
 
I think your wife has a serious issue. Something is really abnormal about her behavior. Especially pushing your boundaries and manipulating you.

No, it is not normal to trade sin lists with your spouse or insist they tell you what they confessed.

Stop telling her what you confessed and stop allowing her to tell you. She needs to respect your boundaries. It’s voyeuristic.
 
As noted - there is no necessity to discuss your confession with your wife … but I will mention something the other posters have not …

You said your wife tells you what she confesses … and then asks you about your confessed sins …

I would stop your wife from sharing her confessed sins with you … gently …do not listen

She may feel like since she has opened up her sinful self to you - you should do the same …

Even if you have to be the one to stop her sharing with you,

Second point - Spend some time contemplating communication between you and your wife. How close are you with your wife - I am speaking about your ability to communicate serious issues; conflicts, desires … many spouses only communicate superficially - it could be there are issues that are un-said between you and your wife is using the topic of confession as a means of deepening your communication - even if she does not realize that.

Does she have something she needs to tell you but is unsure of your ability to understand, have compassion, be forgiving … ?

Do you wish you could tell her something but have the same fears?

🤷 I would think this desire to know your confessed sins - even after your expressed desire to withhold your ‘sins’ speaks to something deeper then curiosity

But I would stop engaging in 50% of the sharing immediately …

And of course - you always have the option to seek Reconciliation on different days and not the same time … my spouse and I would attend Parish Reconciliation together - but other times were determined by our individual need and conscience … where it was more likely a solo event rather than a ‘couples’ one
 
Tell your wife in no uncertain terms that confession are between you, your confessor and God.
She is out of line for even asking or sharing HER details.
When she starts, don’t listen.
I’m sure your priest would highly disapprove.
 
Anglewannabe said:
I can’t help but think your sexual impurities hurt her very much and she wants to know you confessed them because she needs reassurance you know you are being hurtful to her
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I think this could be the deeper issue. When a wife knows a husband suffers from sexual impurities she can feel insecure or even responsible. She might just need reassurance that in spite of this issue which the husband has discussed with her it seems outside the entire issue of confession she is loved and cared for. Some wives can even feel sexually inadequate.

Now is a good time to start anew that confessions are to be kept private with the priest. Just tell your wife you are uncomfortable discussing confessions as it is a private matter. If she is new to the Faith it can be unnerving to go to confession so it could be as noted just a way to relieve stress.

Blessings to the OP and his wife.

Mary.
 
My husband, who is not catholic, sometimes asks what I needed to confess. I think he is honestly curious, as he sometimes asks things about my faith and I think this one confuses him.
 
The fact that the OP’s wife comes from an Evangelical background may explain it. If not raised Catholic, it is hard to have that sense of “confession is 100% private”. I believe many Evangelical couples WOULD say one should be willing to confess sins to one’s spouse… there is no sacrament of confession of course in such traditions.
My wife is actually an Evangelical. She sometimes asks me what I confessed when I mention I have been to confession (I only mention it if there’s a practical impact - such as why I am leaving for church early or coming back from church late) and I usually tell her a few sins but not my entire confession and leave it at that.
 
Since this is a relatively new Catholic, I think it might be a good idea to sit down with your confessor and have a question-and-answer about why the seal of confession is such a serious thing and why it is important not to pry into the substance of anyone else’s confession.

The wife may also be looking for apologies for offenses against her, she may be looking for guidance on what qualifies as a sin or how to name some particular offense…she may have questions that she needs to have answered but she doesn’t know how to learn the information she needs. The couple’s confessor might be able to help them sort this out.
 
Whether or not certain struggles should be discussed with your spouse in general is one thing, but asking about someone’s confession is, in most situations, just bad tact, and there should be no expectation that a penitent share it unasked either.

It’s possible your wife feels insecure. Or maybe she honestly just doesn’t understand why it would be an issue.
 
dahbeegs said:
Just want to thank all of you for your responses and (name removed by moderator)ut! It is certainly much appreciated.

My wife was raised nominally Baptist, and went through RCIA last year. Confession is still odd and nerve wracking for her. I think wanting to talk about it is a way for her to try and dispel the tension a bit.
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I had a child who was somewhat perfectionistic and thus bervous about confession. She would ask me if she should confess about this or that. I wonder if your wife feels this way: if she is concerned she did it right? And she wants to know about yours so she can see how an “expert” does it?

I would gently explain to her that Catholics don’t discuss their confessions like this. Confession is extremely private, between us and God alone, so private that some priests have been martyred rather than reveal a confession.

She may need help understanding what and how to confess, the purpose of confession, and other aspects in order to feel more confident and at ease.

And swapping penances? I never heard of this. Why would you do this?
 
I generally don’t mind telling my husband what I confess, though I don’t usually bother unless I have an amusing anecdote to share about something the priest said in response to me. I have never asked him what he confesses and he has never told me. I would feel like it was prying to ask and I don’t really want to.

You don’t have to tell your wife what you confess. Maybe let a priest know and see if he has a good solution for telling your wife that you don’t want to talk about it. I would hazard a guess it’s not an uncommon problem.
 
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