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paperwight66
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St Francis;14336565 said:
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MrsAngelala
Guest
My husband identifies as a “very Reformed” Protestant. When I started going to Confession again early this year, I was nervous and anxious (still am, but still going!) and often volunteered why I felt I had to go back in any particular week. He then drew the lines between what I had confessed and how my behavior changed in the ensuing weeks. He got curious.
Recently I told him I was going to confession again after just one week, and he asked why.
Wife: Well, first of all, I never have to tell you why I’m going to confession.
Husband: Yes, I know.
W: Okay, so I’m going because…
I’ve actually found sharing to be a very effective tool for evangelization. Part of that, though, is because I’m genuinely excited about the effects of the sacrament myself, and he’s picking up on it.
However, I only share if I want to. And when my husband goes to talk to a friend about a problem he’s having – the Protestant version of confession – I don’t ask him why. I may sometimes ask him, “Is there anything you’re willing to share with me?” but we have an understanding that these things are always, always perfectly voluntary. If he says No, I answer Ok. Period.
I would strongly suggest discussing this issue with your wife outside of the actual occurrence. I have read some responses which seem to be advocating a crackdown, but don’t correct her in the moment. It will only feel like rejection to her. Have a conversation at home. Since she’s a convert, it very well could be a religious cultural difference that she’s genuinely not aware of yet. I’ve been to Protestant churches where living as the body of Christ means you have to be willing to tell anyone in the entire church all about your dirty laundry. On demand! And if you’re not that open, it means you’re not really committed to Christ!
If you handle this conversation well, the Catholic position could become a comfort to your wife – someday she’ll do something she’s really ashamed of, and she really, truly doesn’t have to tell anyone outside the confessional. Nor does she need to waste any mental energy on what anyone else is doing, including you. This kind of boundary fosters mutual respect, which can only strengthen a marriage.
I’ve prayed for you and your wife, that the two of you will successfully handle this bump in your relationship with mutual love and kindness.
Recently I told him I was going to confession again after just one week, and he asked why.
Wife: Well, first of all, I never have to tell you why I’m going to confession.
Husband: Yes, I know.
W: Okay, so I’m going because…
I’ve actually found sharing to be a very effective tool for evangelization. Part of that, though, is because I’m genuinely excited about the effects of the sacrament myself, and he’s picking up on it.
However, I only share if I want to. And when my husband goes to talk to a friend about a problem he’s having – the Protestant version of confession – I don’t ask him why. I may sometimes ask him, “Is there anything you’re willing to share with me?” but we have an understanding that these things are always, always perfectly voluntary. If he says No, I answer Ok. Period.
I would strongly suggest discussing this issue with your wife outside of the actual occurrence. I have read some responses which seem to be advocating a crackdown, but don’t correct her in the moment. It will only feel like rejection to her. Have a conversation at home. Since she’s a convert, it very well could be a religious cultural difference that she’s genuinely not aware of yet. I’ve been to Protestant churches where living as the body of Christ means you have to be willing to tell anyone in the entire church all about your dirty laundry. On demand! And if you’re not that open, it means you’re not really committed to Christ!
If you handle this conversation well, the Catholic position could become a comfort to your wife – someday she’ll do something she’s really ashamed of, and she really, truly doesn’t have to tell anyone outside the confessional. Nor does she need to waste any mental energy on what anyone else is doing, including you. This kind of boundary fosters mutual respect, which can only strengthen a marriage.
I’ve prayed for you and your wife, that the two of you will successfully handle this bump in your relationship with mutual love and kindness.
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on_the_hill
Guest
The swapping penances part is odd. If the priest gives you a penance, it is for you, not for someone else.
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AClaire11
Guest
I think he meant sharing what the penance was, not actually switching who did what. For example, once I told my husband, “Oh boy, I got an entire chaplet of Divine Mercy for penance! You know you screwed up when that happens!”
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dahbeegs
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Whoops, sorry for the confusingly worded statement on that. As some others have surmised, I meant to say that we oftentimes share with each other what the priest assigned as penance, not that we actually exchange the actual performance of those penances.
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Bonnie
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One time a visiting priest gave both my husband & I the chaplet of Divine Mercy. We weren’t sure if we were horrible sinners or if that was just his favorite penance!
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Nanni_amore
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It none of her business.
Furthermore, go to confession when she doesn’t know.
Make it 100% private.
Furthermore, go to confession when she doesn’t know.
Make it 100% private.
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EasterJoy
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She is still learning the faith. Teaching her that asking others what they confess is inappropriate and why it is inappropriate is part of bringing her along. Even someone who wants to tell someone other than their confessor what they confessed or even what they found upon examination of their consciences ought to be careful to be sure the person they are telling is OK with it. (Even if it is direct offense of the person you’re telling, the person may wish to remain innocent of what you did to them. I think that is a wish that ought to be respected.)
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Hoosier_Daddy
Guest
Stop her from telling you. This is setting up then"economy" she desires so you feel obligated to tell her.
My wife and I do share some confessional details because of bad priestly experiences. Especially if the sin involves both of us. We have confessed artificial birth control or sinful sexual things and been told it’s not a sin, so now we kind of compare notes to make sure our guidance is kosher.
None of that should be expected. And beyond those times generally don’t want to know.
The other exemption is when teaching our children about the sacrament. We go to confession as a family every two months. The kids know very well that they never have to tell us what was said, but sometimes my wife and start the conversation. " I confessed being impatient with my spouse and being angry with my kids". This can set the example if how to confess for the kids.
But if there were bigger sins. Say my wife had an abortion, or I cheated on her and then killed the person I did that with, that may not be a penance or sin one would want to share. It seems your wife is using the old “safe space” illusion to garner information.
My way of handeling it would be with humor.
My wife and I do share some confessional details because of bad priestly experiences. Especially if the sin involves both of us. We have confessed artificial birth control or sinful sexual things and been told it’s not a sin, so now we kind of compare notes to make sure our guidance is kosher.
None of that should be expected. And beyond those times generally don’t want to know.
The other exemption is when teaching our children about the sacrament. We go to confession as a family every two months. The kids know very well that they never have to tell us what was said, but sometimes my wife and start the conversation. " I confessed being impatient with my spouse and being angry with my kids". This can set the example if how to confess for the kids.
But if there were bigger sins. Say my wife had an abortion, or I cheated on her and then killed the person I did that with, that may not be a penance or sin one would want to share. It seems your wife is using the old “safe space” illusion to garner information.
My way of handeling it would be with humor.
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SusanneT
Guest
Our parish Priest is a personal friend of my husband and there have been occasions when I have asked my husband to discuss issues with him on my behalf. I would have no issue with him discussing my confession with my husband but equally I know he would not.
In fairness, I would have no issue discussing my confession with my wife and she doesn’t have a problem telling me about hers.
Most sins of a married person are already known by the spouse anyway. And sometimes the sins require one to apologise to your spouse. I don’t see what the big deal is about sharing your confession with your spouse.
Most sins of a married person are already known by the spouse anyway. And sometimes the sins require one to apologise to your spouse. I don’t see what the big deal is about sharing your confession with your spouse.
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punisherthunder
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My wife and I have never shared what we confess. Although I tend to take way longer than her if that makes any difference 
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EasterJoy
Guest
It depends on whether or not you care to have two confessors. Tell her whenever she asks now, and there will be a row when the day comes that you are not inclined to do it. Confession, after all, is not just admitting this or that. It is coming clean about everything.
Even your confessor doesn’t make confession a command performance. If you go to some other priest, he doesn’t ask you what you confessed to the other priest the last time you confessed. No, you go to the priest you choose to go to and you confess when you’re ready to tell all, and after that you are free to tell no one at all. In this case, though, it is the particular “confessor” soliciting the confession.
That is assuming, of course, that the information is “solicited”. Some spouses are just more open about these things and tend to discuss them naturally. The OP’s situation is more like his wife trying to get the information when he feels uncomfortable with giving the information.
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Hoosier_Daddy
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Spoken like a newlywed who is probably so puppy loved by his new bride that she is standing over his shoulder as he types staring dreamily into his eyes.
Talk to me in 5 years and a couple of confessions about self stimulation or lust…
Perhaps you shouldn’t sound so smug and self assured.Spoken like a newlywed who is probably so puppy loved by his new bride that she is standing over his shoulder as he types staring dreamily into his eyes.
Talk to me in 5 years and a couple of confessions about self stimulation or lust…
Also…it is actually possible for an adult male to refrain from masturbating. Maybe you are just projecting?
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EasterJoy
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Yes, the entire issue here is that she is asking. Of course any of us might have a spiritual director or a spiritual friend–and the spouse is a prime candidate–with whom we may choose to share the content of our confessions.
When you decide who to tell, you decide how much to disclose. When it is solicited, however, there is more the implication that you are “hiding” the things you choose not to disclose. “Why didn’t you confess X or did you just not tell me?”…that’s not a question that should be asked, not even mentally!!
I agree. I don’t see the big deal about spouses willingly or naturally discussing the information. But it isn’t right that she demand to know the information.
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EasterJoy
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He is only giving an example of something a husband might not care to disclose to his wife or information he may wish to spare her.
As for what an adult male can and cannot refrain from doing:
“Whoever thinks he is standing secure should take care, lest he fall.”
1 Cor. 10:12
I don’t care for the tone of his comment. And it assumes that all married men will commit those sins.
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