Confession privacy between spouses

[BlueEyedLady]

In fairness, I would have no issue discussing my confession with my wife and she doesn’t have a problem telling me about hers.
Most sins of a married person are already known by the spouse anyway. And sometimes the sins require one to apologise to your spouse. I don’t see what the big deal is about sharing your confession with your spouse.

FWIW, I’m with you. I can’t think of anything I would say in a confessional that I couldn’t tell hubby. I think if we were Catholic, confessions would just be casual discussion.

On the topic of lust and masturbation, there is no married person on the planet who hasn’t briefly dwelled on attraction to another. That’s another thing hubby and I are pretty open about. We know we would never step out of line and it’s just biology that means nothing. I think it would only be a problem if it wasn’t something that spouses are open about and always guarding for and working on.

 

[AdamP88]

FWIW, I’m with you. I can’t think of anything I would say in a confessional that I couldn’t tell hubby. I think if we were Catholic, confessions would just be casual discussion.

On the topic of lust and masturbation, there is no married person on the planet who hasn’t briefly dwelled on attraction to another. That’s another thing hubby and I are pretty open about. We know we would never step out of line and it’s just biology that means nothing. I think it would only be a problem if it wasn’t something that spouses are open about and always guarding for and working on.

There might be no married person who doesn’t “dwell on attraction to another”. But that’s not necessarily the same as lust. And there are quite a few married people, I would imagine, who never masturbate as well.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

There might be no married person who doesn’t “dwell on attraction to another”. But that’s not necessarily the same as lust. And there are quite a few married people, I would imagine, who never masturbate as well.

I’m more cynical than that. I think pretty much everyone does it, we’re all human. It’s the commitment to brushing those things aside and being faithful even when it’s hard that matters. Not never feeling the urge.

 

[AdamP88]

I’m more cynical than that. I think pretty much everyone does it, we’re all human. It’s the commitment to brushing those things aside and being faithful even when it’s hard that matters. Not never feeling the urge.

True…but time and practice make one more able to resist the urge when it comes.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I don’t care for the tone of his comment. And it assumes that all married men will commit those sins.

No, it was an example. Sexual sins are confessed at a high rate. sexual mastery doesn’t become easier when you marry it becomes harder. The point Adam, was not the old adage that 99 percent do it and 1 percent lie about it but rather that it would be unwise in a marriage to disclose personal sin at the drop of a hat. Nor should it be expected.
Your reaction is s perfect example of the privacy of confession, and we aren’t even married!

Some sin may be known by the spouse. I’m not projecting Adam, I’m freely admitting that sexual sin is something people struggle with. Sometimes together. Sure I know when or my wife have confessed using birth control, or abusing nfp, or any other situation and a few times we have shared because we have had poor priests in the confessional who have advised things contrary to the church. So as we journeyed on our life and faith we had to make sure we were in accordance with the church. But that doesn’t mean I share with my wife my thoughts as I see a racy commercial. I may share that with father though.
Self mastery is indeed an achievable goal, and one many married men including myself have achieved for longer than you have been married.

Pride goeth before the fall.

Since that subject bothered you, I’ll illustrate with a different one.

It’s not a good idea to tell your spouse every time you have to confess entertaining smothering them with a pillow to stop the snoring…

The point is no marriage would last.

 

[AdamP88]

No, it was an example. Sexual sins are confessed at a high rate. sexual mastery doesn’t become easier when you marry it becomes harder. The point Adam, was not the old adage that 99 percent do it and 1 percent lie about it but rather that it would be unwise in a marriage to disclose personal sin at the drop of a hat. Nor should it be expected.
Your reaction is s perfect example of the privacy of confession, and we aren’t even married!

Some sin may be known by the spouse. I’m not projecting Adam, I’m freely admitting that sexual sin is something people struggle with. Sometimes together. Sure I know when or my wife have confessed using birth control, or abusing nfp, or any other situation and a few times we have shared because we have had poor priests in the confessional who have advised things contrary to the church. So as we journeyed on our life and faith we had to make sure we were in accordance with the church. But that doesn’t mean I share with my wife my thoughts as I see a racy commercial. I may share that with father though.
Self mastery is indeed an achievable goal, and one many married men including myself have achieved for longer than you have been married.

Pride goeth before the fall.

Since that subject bothered you, I’ll illustrate with a different one.

It’s not a good idea to tell your spouse every time you have to confess entertaining smothering them with a pillow to stop the snoring…

The point is no marriage would last.

I specifically said that I disagreed with the method in which the OP’s spouse extracts the information. I also said that most spouses probably discuss this stuff anyway. I never said there weren’t sins that are better kept to oneself. You just tend to make comments that are often couched in a way that put you in this “wise old man on the moral high-ground” position and come across as insulting.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I specifically said that I disagreed with the method in which the OP’s spouse extracts the information. I also said that most spouses probably discuss this stuff anyway. I never said there weren’t sins that are better kept to oneself. You just tend to make comments that are often couched in a way that put you in this “wise old man on the moral high-ground” position and come across as insulting.

Let’s try not to let our personal feelings affect our posts.

I am wise. I am called to be. I do take the moral high ground we all should strive for that. Though the post that came off as offputing and smug was probably the one where you accused me of projecting in a self mastery example.

However, Adam, I’m not old. That’s just mean man! Though today is my birthday. It’s also my aniversary. 15 years. Fifteen years of confession within marriage. It’s also my sons birthday today. He is the forth of five kids. ( I know, the 15th is a busy day in our house.) three of those five kids are always in the confession line with me.) so yes, there is a little wisdom in my posts about this subject.
I hope you can move on from your irritation at my delivery.

I hope your day goes well!

 

[AdamP88]

Let’s try not to let our personal feelings affect our posts.

I am wise. I am called to be. I do take the moral high ground we all should strive for that. Though the post that came off as offputing and smug was probably the one where you accused me of projecting in a self mastery example.

However, Adam, I’m not old. That’s just mean man! Though today is my birthday. It’s also my aniversary. 15 years. Fifteen years of confession within marriage. It’s also my sons birthday today. He is the forth of five kids. ( I know, the 15th is a busy day in our house.) three of those five kids are always in the confession line with me.) so yes, there is a little wisdom in my posts about this subject.
I hope you can move on from your irritation at my delivery.

I hope your day goes well!

It’s nothing to do with my personal feelings. Yes…it is to do with your “delivery”. And your attitude that would suggest that anyone married less time than you must be just under the influence of dreamy emotions.

And your misunderstanding of what I actually said in my posts. I never suggested that ALL sins should be disclosed to a spouse. You immediately presumed this and rushed to a conclusion.

 

[AdamP88]

I am wise.

Can I quote you and say: Pride cometh before a fall.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Can I quote you and say: Pride cometh before a fall.

Ok. I don’t wish to continue this quibble.

Have a nice day.

 

[EasterJoy]

There might be no married person who doesn’t “dwell on attraction to another”. But that’s not necessarily the same as lust. And there are quite a few married people, I would imagine, who never masturbate as well.

The point is that if you ever covet some woman who isn’t your wife, something you would of course confess, it would hurt your wife to hear it. Perhaps you nursed nasty resentments towards her mother or got angry and spent some time wishing you had never married your wife. You apologize to your wife for the expressions of anger that she knows about. You don’t tell her that you spent an hour wishing you’d never met her.

OK, so every time you go to confession, she always asked what you confess and you always tell her everything. When you’ve done something that she would be hurt to hear you’ve done, you are now stuck with either deceiving her by pretending you tell all when you aren’t or else hurting her by telling her about sins you would have been more kind to keep to yourself.

As for this whole matter of whether or not it is some form of contempt to caution you that you may one day commit some of these sins, remember there are worse things than masturbation, a principal one of which is harboring the thought: “'O God, I thank you that I am not like the rest of humanity - greedy, dishonest, adulterous…”

If there is anything worse than thinking that way, surely it is teaching others to think that way. Renounce that temptation, friend. To which of the proud did our Lord ever say, “Go, and sin no more?” as he said to the woman caught in adultery? Rather, he warned those who were convinced of their own righteousness that “whoever exalts himself will be humbled, but whoever humbles himself will be exalted.”

 

[AdamP88]

The point is that if you ever covet some woman who isn’t your wife, something you would of course confess, it would hurt your wife to hear it. Perhaps you nursed nasty resentments towards her mother or got angry and spent some time wishing you had never married your wife. You apologize to your wife for the expressions of anger that she knows about. You don’t tell her that you spent an hour wishing you’d never met her.

OK, so every time you go to confession, she always asked what you confess and you always tell her everything. When you’ve done something that she would be hurt to hear you’ve done, you are now stuck with either deceiving her by pretending you tell all when you aren’t or else hurting her by telling her about sins you would have been more kind to keep to yourself.

As for this whole matter of whether or not it is some form of contempt to caution you that you may one day commit some of these sins, remember there are worse things than masturbation, a principal one of which is harboring the thought: “'O God, I thank you that I am not like the rest of humanity - greedy, dishonest, adulterous…”

If there is anything worse than thinking that way, surely it is teaching others to think that way. Renounce that temptation, friend. To which of the proud did our Lord ever say, “Go, and sin no more?” as he said to the woman caught in adultery? Rather, he warned those who were convinced of their own righteousness that “whoever exalts himself will be humbled, but whoever humbles himself will be exalted.”

Maybe you should read all my posts.

 

[chevalier]

+1 to what 1ke said (quoted below for ease of reference), or control may be the case, which would basically mean insecurity anyway.

Telling you her sins and expecting you to have to answer in kind is manipulative, it isn’t fair.

Historically there have been some practices of mutual accountability or just going a bit more public about one’s confession, but a legitimate devotional or spiritual practice of that kind would not be driven by curiosity, control, entitlement or insecurity.

Do note, however, that some people — especially young, sensitive, idealistic people, especially if they are also insecure — can have some ideas about how far unity or openness goes in marriage that may look completely out of what to someone with his or her feet more firmly on the ground. Those people need a gentle approach, patience and understanding, no withdrawal of favour or warmth or respect or anything else they need from you. So she may need tough love from you in refusing and not budging about it, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t need gentle love besides. (Starting from how there is no need to escalate a disagreement or refusal into a fight or confrontation.)

I think your wife has a serious issue. Something is really abnormal about her behavior. Especially pushing your boundaries and manipulating you.

No, it is not normal to trade sin lists with your spouse or insist they tell you what they confessed.

Stop telling her what you confessed and stop allowing her to tell you. She needs to respect your boundaries. It’s voyeuristic.

 

[WilliamE]

Typically, when we go to confession, my wife will tell me everything that she confessed. She will oftentimes wait for me to volunteer what I confessed, and if I don’t, she’ll ask me what I confessed. If I express any hesitancy to tell her, she wants to know why that is.

As a non-Catholic I admit that I may be missing something here, but…I was under the impression that the Seal of the Confessional applied to both the priest and the penitent. That neither is permitted to disclose what was discussed during confession. To anybody.

 

[dshix]

As a non-Catholic I admit that I may be missing something here, but…I was under the impression that the Seal of the Confessional applied to both the priest and the penitent. That neither is permitted to disclose what was discussed during confession. To anybody.

No, that is not true. Only the priest is bound by the seal of confession.

The penitent is free to tell anyone any of his sins… though that is of course inadvisable in most cases.

Furthermore, once a penitent has made one of his confessed sins public, the priest is no longer bound by the seal of confession to keep it private, since it’s public already.

 

[AdamP88]

No, that is not true. Only the priest is bound by the seal of confession.

The penitent is free to tell anyone any of his sins… though that is of course inadvisable in most cases.

Furthermore, once a penitent has made one of his confessed sins public, the priest is no longer bound by the seal of confession to keep it private, since it’s public already.

The priest still is unable to discuss the content of that confession. Just because the sin is now public, doesn’t mean the seal is no longer applicable.

Also, the seal applies to anyone who accidentally overhears a confession.

 

[dshix]

The priest still is unable to discuss the content of that confession. Just because the sin is now public, doesn’t mean the seal is no longer applicable.

Also, the seal applies to anyone who accidentally overhears a confession.

Really? Interesting. Do you have a reference I could look at?

 

[AdamP88]

Really? Interesting. Do you have a reference I could look at?

Can. 983 §1. The sacramental seal is inviolable; therefore it is absolutely forbidden for a confessor to betray in any way a penitent in words or in any manner and for any reason.

§2. The interpreter, if there is one, and all others who in any way have knowledge of sins from confession are also obliged to observe secrecy.

Can. 984 §1. A confessor is prohibited completely from using knowledge acquired from confession to the detriment of the penitent even when any danger of revelation is excluded.

From the Code of Canon Law

 

[tafan]

Just when you think you have seen it all…
This is one of the strangest threads I can remember. Being expected to tall one’s confession to one’s spouse? so outrageous that I don’t know how to react. I will say this: I hope the children are not aware of the behavior. I can’t think of anything that could make a child want to go to confession less than the fear they might one day be expected to tell someone about it.

 

[Seamus_L]

I can’t say I’ve experienced the same thing, but at least twice in my life I’ve gone through situations where people close to me suddenly thought my going to frequent confession was in someway suspicious.Fortunately it only lasted a short time, but I was asked “what are you doing that you have to go to confession so often, leading a double life ?” when I explained that I thought it was good for spiritual growth" they said things like they know very devout people who only go once a month.