Confession: WHat should I have done?

[jmfiore]

I came back into my faith about 3 years ago after a 10+ years… Prior to coming back I was married to another Catholic (non-practicing) in an outside ceremony by a JP – she was just non-practicing and I was agnostic at the time. I did not know I needed a dispension, nor did I know any of the rules or requirements for marriage within the faith at the time (though I did go through 12 years of CCD).

Ever since I came back I started learning about everything all over again, I attend Sunday mass 90% of the time, go to confession at least every other week if not every and have even started going to daily mass among saying prayers more frequently, etc.
Whereas my wife is not as… energized about it as I am. Granted she started going more once I did, but doesn’t agree with the Church on certain social aspects and doesn’t understand some sacraments, etc.

We’ve been trying to have a baby for going on 3 years and nothing, everyone around her is having babies or are on baby number two. She measures her hormones, tracks her temp, her ovulation cycle and the whole nine. So when it’s time to try it’s time to try (if ya know what I mean).

Here’s the thing: I know my marriage is invalid, I know we should be living like brother and sister (no sex), and I am not to receive communion unless we are living as brother and sister i.e. no sex inbetween the time of confession and time of communion. But I believe a priest had told me that I could receive because I… 1) needed it for my journey home and to strengthing my faith (paraphrasing a lot) 2)

 

[recentrevert]

If your marriage is invalid you must decide whether to leave your girlfriend or marry her properly. Unmarried couples may not live together as brother and sister without a serious reason such as already having children together. You say you recovered your faith three years ago, yet you have been trying for a baby with a woman you are not married to for three years! You need to repent of your fornication before you can make a good confession and receive Our Lord. If you did not really repent of your fornication then you have been making sacrilegious confessions and you certainly cannot receive Communion.
You cannot just abstain from sex between making a confession and going to Communion! You must have actually repented - you must have resolved firmly never to commit these or any other mortal sins again.

 

[St_Francis]

Confession: if one *honestly *does not know x is a sin, then not confessing it is not a problem.

However, once one *knows *x is a mortal sin, one must repent and confess it with the intention of amendment in order to get out of the state of mortal sin.

If one *deliberately *withholds a mortal sin in confession, the confession is sacriligious *and invalid. *To fix the situation, one must confess all the sins confessed at that and subsequent confessions (as well as one can), and confess the sacrileges performed (sacriligious confessions and receptions of the Eucharist).

As to your situation: do not go to confession until your marital situation is straightened out (discuss options with your priest). Once you have solved the marital problem (either by abstinence or having your civil marriage blessed), go to confession and then you can start receiving the Eucharist again.

God is always just waiting for us to ask so He can forgive us–He’s waiting for you with open arms.

 

[O_Lumen]

needed it for my journey home and to strengthing my faith (paraphrasing a lot) 2)

Absolutely nothing can be merited in a state of mortal sin, and receiving Holy Communion in a state of mortal sin is the most offensive sacrilege that one can commit. Committing sacrilege neither helps your “journey” nor does it strengthen your faith: it only offends God, and the action is in no way pleasing to Him.

You need to straighten out your situation, and that may require what used to be called some good, old-fashioned manfulness.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

OP, you need to have your marriage convalidated (blessed) by the Church. If there is a problem with your wife not wanting to cooperate with this, there is a process called radical sanation where the marriage can be blessed without new consent.

Discuss this problem with your pastor. Don’t be embarrassed, these things happen all the time.

 

[GreyWings]

OP, you need to have your marriage convalidated (blessed) by the Church. If there is a problem with your wife not wanting to cooperate with this, there is a process called radical sanation where the marriage can be blessed without new consent.

Discuss this problem with your pastor. Don’t be embarrassed, these things happen all the time.

I agree.

OP, it’s good you’re going to confession. And it’s great you’re back into the Church, and also posting about your marriage.

I agree with PaulfromIowa, talk to your wife and then your priest to have your marriage blessed. Matrimony is a beautiful sacrament and having this addressed as soon as you can will help you feel better.

Also, give yourself a little grace… you’re doing the right thing in seeking answers and going to confession, you’re on the right path.

God Bless,
GreyWings

 

[jmfiore]

Sorry everyone, I work in a hospital and was not able to finish my OP. The priest also told me that I could receive as long as I kept trying to get my wife to validate the marriage as she was the reason holding us back and that it was of no fault of my own. But the CCC says that no exception can be made hence it got me worried and thus my post.

I did not know what I was doing was sacreligious as the priest said what they had said and I thought the whole what you bind on earth will be bound in heaven quote applied to that as well. If not then all my sacreligous confessions and communions were not on purpose, but now I know I am not receiving and it is agonizing me not to be in grace or to receive the holy communion.

We actually have an appointment tomorrow with the priest about convalidation so my wife can ask questions and think about whether or not she wants to do it, as I have said she has reservations whereas I want to dive head first into the Lord and if I am going to do it I want to do it right! I looked up radical sanation and I am not sure if I can get it… here is what the CCC says:

RADICAL SANATION

Can. 1161 §1. The radical sanation of an invalid marriage is its convalidation without the renewal of consent, which is granted by competent authority and entails the dispensation from an impediment, if there is one, and from canonical form, if it was not observed, and the retroactivity of canonical effects.

§2. Convalidation occurs at the moment of the granting of the favor. Retroactivity, however, is understood to extend to the moment of the celebration of the marriage unless other provision is expressly made.

§3. A radical sanation is not to be granted unless it is probable that the parties wish to persevere in conjugal life.

Can. 1162 §1. A marriage cannot be radically sanated if consent is lacking in either or both of the parties, whether the consent was lacking from the beginning or, though present in the beginning, was revoked afterwards.

§2. If this consent was indeed lacking from the beginning but was given afterwards, the sanation can be granted from the moment the consent was given.

Can. 1163 §1. A marriage which is invalid because of an impediment or a defect of legitimate form can be sanated provided that the consent of each party perseveres.

§2. A marriage which is invalid because of an impediment of natural law or of divine positive law can be sanated only after the impediment has ceased.

Can. 1164 A sanation can be granted validly even if either or both of the parties do not know of it; nevertheless, it is not to be granted except for a grave cause.

Can. 1165 §1. The Apostolic See can grant a radical sanation.

§2. The diocesan bishop can grant a radical sanation in individual cases even if there are several reasons for nullity in the same marriage, after the conditions mentioned in ⇒ can. 1125 for the sanation of a mixed marriage have been ful-filled. He cannot grant one, however, if there is an impediment whose dispensation is reserved to the Apostolic See according to the norm of ⇒ can. 1078, §2, or if it concerns an impediment of natural law or divine positive law which has now ceased.

I don’t think I understand what it says… can someone break it down in real laymen’s terms?

As far as the fornication goes, though I participated in it, my heart wasn’t in it and though I gave my will by doing it, I don’t feel it was my full consent as I really didn’t want to until everything was squared away… but how do I explain that to my wife who has been on the verge of a breakdown with her infertility for so long and doesn’t give into the whole “rules” and belief system of the Catholic church, if I had tried to resist or refuse it would have ended up in turmoil and I didn’t know what to do or how to approach it.

Her peak has passed this month so that gives me another month to try to sort this out until then and hopefully tomorrow the priest can give her all the information that I was unable to get out without causing her increasing stress.

I am also hoping to get a confession tomorrow after our talk and again hopefully be in full grace again. I am so blessed for having God call me back as he had and I want so much to love him and to grow within His light and be the best servant, disciple and vessel that I can become…

Thanks again!

 

[PaulfromIowa]

Radical Sanation means the bishop declares a existing civil marriage to be valid in the Church. The usual procedure is a convalidation ceremony. In radical sanation, the bishop declares the previous consent as valid consent to the marriage.

 

[Deo_Gratias42]

Sorry everyone, I work in a hospital and was not able to finish my OP. The priest also told me that I could receive as long as I kept trying to get my wife to validate the marriage as she was the reason holding us back and that it was of no fault of my own. But the CCC says that no exception can be made hence it got me worried and thus my post.

I did not know what I was doing was sacreligious as the priest said what they had said and I thought the whole what you bind on earth will be bound in heaven quote applied to that as well. If not then all my sacreligous confessions and communions were not on purpose, but now I know I am not receiving and it is agonizing me not to be in grace or to receive the holy communion.

As far as the fornication goes, though I participated in it, my heart wasn’t in it and though I gave my will by doing it, I don’t feel it was my full consent as I really didn’t want to until everything was squared away… but how do I explain that to my wife who has been on the verge of a breakdown with her infertility for so long and doesn’t give into the whole “rules” and belief system of the Catholic church, if I had tried to resist or refuse it would have ended up in turmoil and I didn’t know what to do or how to approach it.

Her peak has passed this month so that gives me another month to try to sort this out until then and hopefully tomorrow the priest can give her all the information that I was unable to get out without causing her increasing stress.

I am also hoping to get a confession tomorrow after our talk and again hopefully be in full grace again. I am so blessed for having God call me back as he had and I want so much to love him and to grow within His light and be the best servant, disciple and vessel that I can become…

Thanks again!

There is no point in going to confession unless you firmly resolve to stop fornicating altogether. Otherwise you’re just making sacrilegious confessions that aren’t valid. If I were you, I would walk away now and find a spouse who actually shares your religious beliefs and values rather than make things more complicated with a child. Your priest is wrong. You cannot receive communion while living in objectively grave sin. You’re supposed to be the spiritual head of your family, yet you can’t stand up for yourself and God and say no fornication to your “wife”.

 

[Oneofthewomen]

There is no point in going to confession unless you firmly resolve to stop fornicating altogether. Otherwise you’re just making sacrilegious confessions that aren’t valid. If I were you, I would walk away now and find a spouse who actually shares your religious beliefs and values rather than make things more complicated with a child. Your priest is wrong. You cannot receive communion while living in objectively grave sin. You’re supposed to be the spiritual head of your family, yet you can’t stand up for yourself and God and say no fornication to your “wife”.

WOW! That is some pretty harsh advice and not at all what I believe that the Church wants from anybody.

By the OP’s own admission, he and his wife were non-practicing when they got married. Now that he has decided to embrace his faith, he has “changed the rules” so to speak, and you telling him to “dump” his wife is the antithesis of “good Christian behavior”.

OP, have that discussion with your priest, and listen to him and only him about this issue. You will get lots of information here, some correct, some not so correct. I have been where you are and it can be very stressful. Just keep praying and follow the advice of your priest.

Peace & prayers for you and your wife.

 

[Mummsie]

WOW! That is some pretty harsh advice and not at all what I believe that the Church wants from anybody.

By the OP’s own admission, he and his wife were non-practicing when they got married. Now that he has decided to embrace his faith, he has “changed the rules” so to speak, and you telling him to “dump” his wife is the antithesis of “good Christian behavior”.

OP, have that discussion with your priest, and listen to him and only him about this issue. You will get lots of information here, some correct, some not so correct. I have been where you are and it can be very stressful. Just keep praying and follow the advice of your priest.

Peace & prayers for you and your wife.

:thumbsup:I absolutely agree. We are all sinners in various stages of improvement. It is great that you have been trying to do the right thing. Speaking with your priest is the best thing to do. Children are a blessing. Who knows, maybe our Lord is waiting for all your ducks to get in a row. Keep on your path. You’ll get there.

Praying for you and your wife.

God Bless You.

 

[recentrevert]

WOW! That is some pretty harsh advice and not at all what I believe that the Church wants from anybody.

By the OP’s own admission, he and his wife were non-practicing when they got married. Now that he has decided to embrace his faith, he has “changed the rules” so to speak, and you telling him to “dump” his wife is the antithesis of “good Christian behavior”.

OP, have that discussion with your priest, and listen to him and only him about this issue. You will get lots of information here, some correct, some not so correct. I have been where you are and it can be very stressful. Just keep praying and follow the advice of your priest.

Peace & prayers for you and your wife.

It is the truth. If the OP does not have the strength of will to keep from fornication while waiting for his marriage to be validated he must leave. He cannot put pleasing his ‘wife’ before God. He cannot commit serious evil to please her.

It sounds as if his priest is not the best person for him to speak to about this because either the priest has told him he can live in sin and commit sacrilege or the OP has seriously misunderstood him and needs to speak to a priest who explains things in a way he clearly understands.

Unless the OP firmly resolves to avoid fornication and all other grave sins his confessions and communions are serious mortal sins adding to his guilt and condemnation.

 

[recentrevert]

As far as the fornication goes, though I participated in it, my heart wasn’t in it and though I gave my will by doing it, I don’t feel it was my full consent as I really didn’t want to until everything was squared away… but how do I explain that to my wife who has been on the verge of a breakdown with her infertility for so long and doesn’t give into the whole “rules” and belief system of the Catholic church, if I had tried to resist or refuse it would have ended up in turmoil and I didn’t know what to do or how to approach it.

Her peak has passed this month so that gives me another month to try to sort this out until then and hopefully tomorrow the priest can give her all the information that I was unable to get out without causing her increasing stress.

I am also hoping to get a confession tomorrow after our talk and again hopefully be in full grace again.
Thanks again!

You cannot commit a sin like fornication while awake and sober without full consent - not really. It is perhaps possible in the same way that tossing a coin a hundred times and always getting heads is possible - maybe if you were half asleep you could but then it is a sin for you to sleep next to your ‘wife’ unless you really have to because it is obviously a near occasion of sin. You must definitely sleep separately or you commit mortal sin. What you probably did was commit fornication reluctantly because you knew it was wrong, but you still chose to do it.

You must not put your ‘wife’ before God. If you cannot get her to understand why you will not fornicate you must simply resist her at all costs.

Do not go to confession unless you are firmly resolved never to commit fornication or any other serious evil again. God will give you the grace for this as long as you avoid the near occasion of sin as far as reasonably possible so you needn’t worry about being unable to resist temptation as long as you pray a lot and frequent the sacraments. If you go to confession intending to give in to fornication next month you will commit sacrilege which is a graver mortal sin than fornication. God will withdraw His graces from you and allow you to live in the blindness of sin.

 

[GreyWings]

WOW! That is some pretty harsh advice and not at all what I believe that the Church wants from anybody.

By the OP’s own admission, he and his wife were non-practicing when they got married. Now that he has decided to embrace his faith, he has “changed the rules” so to speak, and you telling him to “dump” his wife is the antithesis of “good Christian behavior”.

OP, have that discussion with your priest, and listen to him and only him about this issue. You will get lots of information here, some correct, some not so correct. I have been where you are and it can be very stressful. Just keep praying and follow the advice of your priest.

Peace & prayers for you and your wife.

I applaud this because this is exactly what I was thinking. Advising to leave the mother of your child and dump her even through she is coming around to Catholicism (she’s doing NFP and going to Church at least so far!) is not exactly Christ like.

The BEST thing for him to do is to continue focusing on the Sacraments, talk to the parish priest as a family, strive for a blessing and Sacramental marriage, and bond with his wife through Christ our Lord.

God is love, remember that. “They will know we are Christians by our love.”

 

[Deo_Gratias42]

I applaud this because this is exactly what I was thinking. Advising to leave the mother of your child and dump her even through she is coming around to Catholicism (she’s doing NFP and going to Church at least so far!) is not exactly Christ like.

The BEST thing for him to do is to continue focusing on the Sacraments, talk to the parish priest as a family, strive for a blessing and Sacramental marriage, and bond with his wife through Christ our Lord.

God is love, remember that. “They will know we are Christians by our love.”

a) She’s not the mother of his child, they don’t have one. They are trying to make one despite not being married. No point in the sacraments of you’re not going to give up grave sin.

 

[mek42]

OP - good luck.

 

[GreyWings]

a) She’s not the mother of his child, they don’t have one. They are trying to make one despite not being married. No point in the sacraments of you’re not going to give up grave sin.

She *could *be pregnant, who knows…

What would Jesus advise? Do you think Jesus would tell this man to abandon his wife? They can avoid sex for now and seek a priest to sort all this out and make it a sacrament… the answer is really simple, seek clergy for help in this matter.

 

[Deo_Gratias42]

She *could *be pregnant, who knows…

What would Jesus advise? Do you think Jesus would tell this man to abandon his wife? They can avoid sex for now and seek a priest to sort all this out and make it a sacrament… the answer is really simple, seek clergy for help in this matter.

Jesus would have told him to go and sin no more, but he isn’t willing to give up sinning. Living with her is an occasion of sin.

I think you need to re-read his posts. Despite not actually being married, he continues to fornicate with his girlfriend in order to try to get her pregnant, while at the same time wanting to keep going to confession over and over again, but not willing/able to give up fornicating with her because he doesn’t want to upset her. He needs to leave her for the sake of his own soul.

 

[GreyWings]

Jesus would have told him to go and sin no more, but he isn’t willing to give up sinning. Living with her is an occasion of sin.

I think you need to re-read his posts. Despite not actually being married, he continues to fornicate with his girlfriend in order to try to get her pregnant, while at the same time wanting to keep going to confession over and over again, but not willing/able to give up fornicating with her because he doesn’t want to upset her. He needs to leave her for the sake of his own soul.

He needs to stop sinning, that I agree with, and go WITH her to a priest for a Sacramental union.

Advising him to leave her should not be the first option but the last.

 

[JimR-OCDS]

jmfiore,
Go by the advice your pastor gives you and ignore some of the harsh remarks in this forum.

Here’s an article that may help in the meantime;

How the Church Convalidates Civil Marriages

americancatholic.org/Messenger/Feb2004/Feature2.asp

Jim