confession

[cviolette]

I feel like I need to go to confession because I have been very angry for the last couple of days.

My problem is that most of my sins are with my marriage. I felt comfortable going to the parish priest for previous confession because he did not know my husband. My husband has met the priest at the KOC and at a party for someone at the parish. They got along great.

Now I am uncomfortable discussing my marital problems with the priest. Should I go to a different priest or am I being silly? I feel like I need someone on my side for once. The Church was my place of peace and now I feel like I need to find a new parish. I know it is selfish but staying married is a real struggle for me. I don’t feel any peace at my home but the church was my safe place.

 

[Garyjohn2]

If you don’t do face-to-face, your identity might not be known. In the event that you guys are close enough that he knows your voice, you can always go to a different parish for confession if you feel uncomfortable (I got to a different parish than my own because the hours they offer for confession are more convenient for me). This is ok.

Don’t worry too much though. Priests are trained for this, and there is the seal of confession. Also, I’m sure he knows that your marriage isn’t perfect (cuz no one’s is) and he might even be flattered that you’d go to him for help/healing/advice!

 

[adv1sor]

If you need to go to confession, then go. It doesn’t matter which parish or priest. You already have the most important person in the Church “on your side.” However, if you feelings are keeping you from going, there is nothing wrong in going to confession at another parish. (As far as I know there’s nothing wrong with that.)

I don’t mean to read more into what you have written but, have you considered asking your priest about marriage counseling?

 

[trinichiqn]

You should always try to go the same priest for confession as far as possible. After saying that I should also mention that the priest I see for confession every month is not my parish priest and I only started going to him earlier this year (although I saw him once last year) because I switched my confession day.

Confession is about humility as well as reconciliation, and the priest is bound by the seal of confession so he is not going to judge you, your husband or your marriage. I understand how you feel although I am single, it’s the reason I don’t feel comfortable going to my own parish priest. I don’t think you need to switch parishes though. Pray about it and if you still feel strongly maybe you can go to another priest for confession.

 

[cviolette]

Thanks for everyone’s advice.

If you don’t do face-to-face, your identity might not be known. In the event that you guys are close enough that he knows your voice, you can always go to a different parish for confession if you feel uncomfortable (I got to a different parish than my own because the hours they offer for confession are more convenient for me). This is ok.

Don’t worry too much though. Priests are trained for this, and there is the seal of confession. Also, I’m sure he knows that your marriage isn’t perfect (cuz no one’s is) and he might even be flattered that you’d go to him for help/healing/advice!

I was hoping to get some counseling and advice from him but now I am unsure. I have gone to another priest that was very kind and doesn’t know my husband but I feel guilty since I don’t belong to his parish.

If you need to go to confession, then go. It doesn’t matter which parish or priest. You already have the most important person in the Church “on your side.” However, if you feelings are keeping you from going, there is nothing wrong in going to confession at another parish. (As far as I know there’s nothing wrong with that.)

I don’t mean to read more into what you have written but, have you considered asking your priest about marriage counseling?

I am currently getting therapy for myself against my husband wishes. I want to be stronger before approaching my husband about counseling. He does not see anything wrong with out marriage and I doubt he is capable or willing to change. My counselor is helping me with how to communicate and approach my husband.

You should always try to go the same priest for confession as far as possible. After saying that I should also mention that the priest I see for confession every month is not my parish priest and I only started going to him earlier this year (although I saw him once last year) because I switched my confession day.

Confession is about humility as well as reconciliation, and the priest is bound by the seal of confession so he is not going to judge you, your husband or your marriage. I understand how you feel although I am single, it’s the reason I don’t feel comfortable going to my own parish priest. I don’t think you need to switch parishes though. Pray about it and if you still feel strongly maybe you can go to another priest for confession.

I was thinking that it will definitely be more humbling because now my priest will see my husband as a good man and not be as supportive with my issues. I am going to adoration on Tuesday and I will pray on which priest I should go to. I will go to my priest this Saturday because I don’t want to wait. I have not had a good week and need confession.

 

[EasterJoy]

You do not need to go to your pastor for confession, and you certainly do not need to go to a priest with whom you or your husband socialize. It is like choosing a physician. You are unwise to choose somebody based on your desire that he will make some certain diagnosis or will give you a treatment that you happen to like. You absolutely may choose someone based on how likely it will be that you will give him all the information he needs to diagnosis you and that you will be most likely to obtain and follow an efficacious treatment.

As for your pastor, though, do not be under the impression that he thinks you or your husband walk on water! If you knew as much about human nature as he does, you would not jump to such an unrealistic conclusion. Good men have problems with their wives. Deacons have problems with their wives sometimes, for goodness sake! If your pastor hears that the wife of your good man of a husband does not think herself a saint and is not under the impression that she married a saint, it will not knock his stole off.

There are probably priests who don’t want to see someone outside their parish; I haven’t met them. Most are thrilled to help anyone with a desire to turn from sin! If a priest has a reason not to hear your confession, he’ll tell you. Otherwise, most are very happy to have found one more old-fashioned penitent. The lines aren’t exactly going out to the street anymore.

You might also consider finding a priest who does spiritual direction. It is essentially axiomatic that this will be someone who does not socialize with you or your family. A spiritual director does not have to be a priest, but obviously if you want your spiritual director and confessor to be the same person, that is the way to go.

 

[EasterJoy]

I will go to my priest this Saturday because I don’t want to wait. I have not had a good week and need confession.

Again, kind of like a physician…there is a time to choose, and then there is a time to be more choosy about when and so less choosy about who! Don’t make this into a huge deal, though. There are many priests out there who can help you. Some will fit you better than others, but you are not on an Easter-egg hunt for “Father Right-Confessor.”

After all, if you desire what He wants to give you, Jesus can make wine out of water! He can certainly take lemons and make you some lemonade.

 

[RosarioD]

The advantage of going to the same parish priest is that he already knows your background and may even be of good help to your marital issues. Priests have heard many many confessions and marital problems are nothing new to him, including those of his parishioners. Don’t feel judged by him, he is bound by the seal of confession. If you like your church, I would stick to it and won’t change parishes. You are human and so is he, so he knows human frailty.
Remember…in persona Christi.
Don’t worry too much…go on to adoration and pray for him and your marriage.

 

[cviolette]

As for your pastor, though, do not be under the impression that he thinks you or your husband walk on water! If you knew as much about human nature as he does, you would not jump to such an unrealistic conclusion. Good men have problems with their wives. Deacons have problems with their wives sometimes, for goodness sake! If your pastor hears that the wife of your good man of a husband does not think herself a saint and is not under the impression that she married a saint, it will not knock his stole off.

There are probably priests who don’t want to see someone outside their parish; I haven’t met them. Most are thrilled to help anyone with a desire to turn from sin! If a priest has a reason not to hear your confession, he’ll tell you. Otherwise, most are very happy to have found one more old-fashioned penitent. The lines aren’t exactly going out to the street anymore.

You might also consider finding a priest who does spiritual direction. It is essentially axiomatic that this will be someone who does not socialize with you or your family. A spiritual director does not have to be a priest, but obviously if you want your spiritual director and confessor to be the same person, that is the way to go.

Good point about my husband not walking on water. People always like my husband and think he is such a great guy. I am insecure. He is very plastic. He is a different person with me than in public. And of course, the priest is probably use to people being on their best behavior with him. Since I was confirmed as a teenager but never followed any of the commandments until recently, the priest has already heard some of my worse confessions. I am probably worrying for nothing.

I had spiritual direction for awhile. I now just have a close friend that helps me with my spirituality. He is very devout and knows my background. The person that is currently offering spiritual direction in my church is too liberal (supports planned parenthood, woman priest, open communion), I would never take direction from her.

Again, kind of like a physician…there is a time to choose, and then there is a time to be more choosy about when and so less choosy about who! Don’t make this into a huge deal, though. There are many priests out there who can help you. Some will fit you better than others, but you are not on an Easter-egg hunt for “Father Right-Confessor.”

After all, if you desire what He wants to give you, Jesus can make wine out of water! He can certainly take lemons and make you some lemonade.

You are right. It is important for me to go on Saturday. I don’t feel my sins have been mortal but there are so many that they are separating me from God.

The advantage of going to the same parish priest is that he already knows your background and may even be of good help to your marital issues. Priests have heard many many confessions and marital problems are nothing new to him, including those of his parishioners. Don’t feel judged by him, he is bound by the seal of confession. If you like your church, I would stick to it and won’t change parishes. You are human and so is he, so he knows human frailty.
Remember…in persona Christi.
Don’t worry too much…go on to adoration and pray for him and your marriage.

I love my church. My husband and I have always had separate lives and friends. It feels uncomfortable to have him be part of an important part of my life. I know it is wrong and I should be happy that he is going to mass and making friends with other Catholics but it is hard to be around him so much. I am use to him never being around. He is looking for a job in another country. I think him getting that job will be the only way I can stay married and be happy.

 

[Joe_Kelley]

The advantage of going to the same parish priest is that he already knows your background and may even be of good help to your marital issues. Priests have heard many many confessions and marital problems are nothing new to him, including those of his parishioners. Don’t feel judged by him, he is bound by the seal of confession. If you like your church, I would stick to it and won’t change parishes. You are human and so is he, so he knows human frailty.
Remember…in persona Christi.
Don’t worry too much…go on to adoration and pray for him and your marriage.

RosarioD makes a good point of going to a priest who knows your background. However, the first priority must be to make a good confession. One should go to a priest one is comfortable with. Especially if the confession will be difficult, one should eliminate as many problems as possible and be able to focus on making a good confession.

 

[cviolette]

RosarioD makes a good point of going to a priest who knows your background. However, the first priority must be to make a good confession. One should go to a priest one is comfortable with. Especially if the confession will be difficult, one should eliminate as many problems as possible and be able to focus on making a good confession.

I agree. It does help for the priest to have background. Both priest have background because when I was going through a tough time, I was switched to the priest outside our parish because I was too embarrassed to go back to my own priest.

I hope that confession will eventually get easier.

 

[onmyknees]

Good point about my husband not walking on water. People always like my husband and think he is such a great guy. I am insecure. He is very plastic. He is a different person with me than in public. And of course, the priest is probably use to people being on their best behavior with him. Since I was confirmed as a teenager but never followed any of the commandments until recently, the priest has already heard some of my worse confessions. I am probably worrying for nothing.

I had spiritual direction for awhile. I now just have a close friend that helps me with my spirituality. He is very devout and knows my background. The person that is currently offering spiritual direction in my church is too liberal (supports planned parenthood, woman priest, open communion), I would never take direction from her.

You are right. It is important for me to go on Saturday. I don’t feel my sins have been mortal but there are so many that they are separating me from God.

I love my church. My husband and I have always had separate lives and friends. It feels uncomfortable to have him be part of an important part of my life. I know it is wrong and I should be happy that he is going to mass and making friends with other Catholics but it is hard to be around him so much. I am use to him never being around. He is looking for a job in another country. I think him getting that job will be the only way I can stay married and be happy.

Cviolette, I came back to Church 8 yrs. ago and I have always been without my dh at church too so it feels like my home away from home. I think it would be hard to get used to having my dh with me at mass too but I would hope that I would be so happy that my prayers had been answered for him to want to go to mass. He does come with me to the social activities and he too acts really different (outgoing, funny) at these events than he does at home.

I love my parish but I go to the priest that was here when I first came back. He is at a different parish now. I go to him because he is very orthodox and has a special place in my heart. He gave me my first Eucharist, first confession, and convalidated our marriage as an adult. I knew him quite well when he was still here because I volunteered. It is still very difficult to confess to him knowing that he knows me and my voice but I do it on purpose because he knows my sins and can really give me good spiritual direction when I need it. It also humbles me.

 

[onmyknees]

Just wanted to add that I will be praying for you Cviolette and to ask for your prayers this Saturday for I am also going to confess as I have not been doing well with my problem. It was easy during lent.

 

[RosarioD]

I agree. It does help for the priest to have background. Both priest have background because when I was going through a tough time, I was switched to the priest outside our parish because I was too embarrassed to go back to my own priest.

I hope that confession will eventually get easier.

Now you can choose which priest to go to since they both know your background, and if you feel more comfortable with the priest outside the parish, that’s fine. However, are you willing to do what he asks of you (your part) in order to fix your situation? What I mean is, there seems to be a deeper issue and that is, fixing what is wrong with the relationship you have with DH. Going to confession (albeit a good one) won’t fix it. Why would one be happier married to a husband with a job far away? It sounds like you and hubby have drifted; but I believe it is never too late to work things out. It only comes with a willingness, a commitment of both parties. This is where it gets tough.
Be assured of my prayers for you.:hug1:

 

[cviolette]

Cviolette, I came back to Church 8 yrs. ago and I have always been without my dh at church too so it feels like my home away from home. I think it would be hard to get used to having my dh with me at mass too but I would hope that I would be so happy that my prayers had been answered for him to want to go to mass. He does come with me to the social activities and he too acts really different (outgoing, funny) at these events than he does at home.

I love my parish but I go to the priest that was here when I first came back. He is at a different parish now. I go to him because he is very orthodox and has a special place in my heart. He gave me my first Eucharist, first confession, and convalidated our marriage as an adult. I knew him quite well when he was still here because I volunteered. It is still very difficult to confess to him knowing that he knows me and my voice but I do it on purpose because he knows my sins and can really give me good spiritual direction when I need it. It also humbles me.

If I felt that my husband was making Christ the center of his life and truly came back to church, I would be happy for him and would have hope for our marriage. My husband is all about show. He does not want me in mass without him by my side. He loves to rub it in when I go to mass on Saturday night and he goes on Sunday with the kids. Saying that everyone thinks he is a single dad raising the kids. He is the real parent and real Catholic. Like we both can’t be good parents. It is just messed up.

He makes comments about the Church that proves to me over and over again that he is doing it for show. He joined the Knights of Columbus because a couple of my friends kept pressuring him. I told them to leave him alone but they felt he needed to be around Catholic men. He hasn’t been to confession in over 30 years and still receives communion.

So I find it hard to love my Church so much and be next to someone just using it to look good. He makes me take a separate car because he won’t go early and pray and wants to leave right after the closing blessing.

It is humbling to go to my parish priest. But both priest are stern but kind and gentle. They make sure I am still in therapy and have so much patience.

Just wanted to add that I will be praying for you Cviolette and to ask for your prayers this Saturday for I am also going to confess as I have not been doing well with my problem. It was easy during lent.

I will pray for you too. Go back to your list of things you where doing during lent. You can get back on track.

I haven’t slipped back into my bad past. I just need to stop being so angry and stop acting like a two year old.

 

[cviolette]

Now you can choose which priest to go to since they both know your background, and if you feel more comfortable with the priest outside the parish, that’s fine. However, are you willing to do what he asks of you (your part) in order to fix your situation? What I mean is, there seems to be a deeper issue and that is, fixing what is wrong with the relationship you have with DH. Going to confession (albeit a good one) won’t fix it. Why would one be happier married to a husband with a job far away? It sounds like you and hubby have drifted; but I believe it is never too late to work things out. It only comes with a willingness, a commitment of both parties. This is where it gets tough.
Be assured of my prayers for you.:hug1:

I do need to be doing more of my part. I have modified my behavior and am staying away from mortal sin. My biggest problem is that I want a divorce but am only staying in the marriage because of fear of hell and stability for the kids. Sometimes I try to be a good wife and other times I spend all my time avoiding my husband. It is hard for me to be around my husband. I pray all the time for my marriage. Pray to care for my husband. Pray for my husbands soul. Pray to God to give my the grace to want to be married. It was just a very tough week for me. More drama than I was able to handle.

The house is so organized and peaceful when he is away. It is like a vacation for me. I can manage to be nicer when I see him less. He is a good man. I am more of the problem than he is. He is doing the best he can with the skills he has. I believe that he would be happier with another woman. Not sure if it is okay to pray for him to find another woman. I may have to confess that too.

 

[onmyknees]

If I felt that my husband was making Christ the center of his life and truly came back to church, I would be happy for him and would have hope for our marriage. My husband is all about show. He does not want me in mass without him by my side. He loves to rub it in when I go to mass on Saturday night and he goes on Sunday with the kids. Saying that everyone thinks he is a single dad raising the kids. He is the real parent and real Catholic. Like we both can’t be good parents. It is just messed up.

He makes comments about the Church that proves to me over and over again that he is doing it for show. He joined the Knights of Columbus because a couple of my friends kept pressuring him. I told them to leave him alone but they felt he needed to be around Catholic men. He hasn’t been to confession in over 30 years and still receives communion.

So I find it hard to love my Church so much and be next to someone just using it to look good. He makes me take a separate car because he won’t go early and pray and wants to leave right after the closing blessing.

It is humbling to go to my parish priest. But both priest are stern but kind and gentle. They make sure I am still in therapy and have so much patience.

I will pray for you too. Go back to your list of things you where doing during lent. You can get back on track.

I haven’t slipped back into my bad past. I just need to stop being so angry and stop acting like a two year old.

Yes, that would really bother me if my dh went to church just for show ugh! My dh will sometimes say negative things about the Church but since I used to get so upset when he did this he has stopped for the most part. It is so hard isn’t it when we are not on the same page spiritually with our spouses. I have a temper too and I really flip out and yell at him sometimes when he is mean.

I think that even though your dh was pushed into going to the KOC it might turn into a good thing. I would not discourage him from going. If there are some really holy men in it they may teach him enough that he could have a conversion back to the Church. Could you talk to one of these holy men about how your dh is and see if he could help?

My priest is stern too and has told me that I need to stop this sin forever! So I am really hesitant to confess this same sin again. In fact I am thinking about putting confession off for another week or two. It is just getting harder and harder.

 

[EasterJoy]

Good point about my husband not walking on water. People always like my husband and think he is such a great guy. I am insecure. He is very plastic. He is a different person with me than in public. And of course, the priest is probably use to people being on their best behavior with him. Since I was confirmed as a teenager but never followed any of the commandments until recently, the priest has already heard some of my worse confessions. I am probably worrying for nothing.

I had spiritual direction for awhile. I now just have a close friend that helps me with my spirituality. He is very devout and knows my background. The person that is currently offering spiritual direction in my church is too liberal (supports planned parenthood, woman priest, open communion), I would never take direction from her.

You are right. It is important for me to go on Saturday. I don’t feel my sins have been mortal but there are so many that they are separating me from God.

I love my church. My husband and I have always had separate lives and friends. It feels uncomfortable to have him be part of an important part of my life. I know it is wrong and I should be happy that he is going to mass and making friends with other Catholics but it is hard to be around him so much. I am use to him never being around. He is looking for a job in another country. I think him getting that job will be the only way I can stay married and be happy.

It is very common to put your best foot forward in public, and then all the rest comes out for those close to you. Kind of like those “company towels” people put in their bathroom that no one ever gets to use. Life is full of that, and priests know it!! Priest also get used to pentitents who, as one priest put it, try to “stone themselves to death with cotton balls”. They can handle that, too.

Priests are ordained because people actually need them, even the ones who are far advanced in the faith. Take the sins that burden you to the doctor of your soul, and he’ll work out with you how to get healthier. The idea is to make you into a saint. The work done on you now is that much less to do via Purgatory, and the more glory to God because you chose to try follow him even when you had fallen, and it was hard, and you couldn’t look for applause or a panel of judges flashing the cards with the "10"s.

Choosing a spiritual director is a very personal thing. One piece of advice I did get was: Never choose a friend for a spiritual director. Spiritual directors are far easier to find than friends. So while it is good to have friends to confide in about spiritual things, the professional position of spiritual director is probably something for someone you don’t have as a close social friend. It makes it much easier when you need to change, which you need to be able to do. This is one of the few times when what is best for you is rightly your only concern.

 

[AndyF]

cviolette:

Good advice here all around. I would say whatever is comfortable for you, but I’m more concerned about your suspicions. The priest would have the best interest of your marriage and that is to help you maintain a Holy one. Since you consecrate each other by virtue of the Sacrament of Matrimony, he has a best interest in helping you, not pulling the rug from under you. Taking sides would not be what Jesus would want, and he would know it. Rest assured, there are two immediate people who care about the state of the marriage, you and he, and the priest is right there with you.
Talking to your husband about your deepest secrets between Jesus and yourself would
hang a very severe spiritual penalty on him.

If there were any issues in your marriage determined through confession, he could only briefly suggest ways to help your marriage in the context of the sins you state, but will not initiate a pastoral session. You or your husband would need to formally request it. He could not even bring in data gleaned from your confessions, has absolution mends the rift with God, and is a closed issue.

But all the same for your comfort, it’s perfectly OK to confess to another one. The priest is so far removed from tabloid antics has you can ever imagine, so don’t worry.

Andy

 

[cviolette]

Yes, that would really bother me if my dh went to church just for show ugh! My dh will sometimes say negative things about the Church but since I used to get so upset when he did this he has stopped for the most part. It is so hard isn’t it when we are not on the same page spiritually with our spouses. I have a temper too and I really flip out and yell at him sometimes when he is mean.

I think that even though your dh was pushed into going to the KOC it might turn into a good thing. I would not discourage him from going. If there are some really holy men in it they may teach him enough that he could have a conversion back to the Church. Could you talk to one of these holy men about how your dh is and see if he could help?

My priest is stern too and has told me that I need to stop this sin forever! So I am really hesitant to confess this same sin again. In fact I am thinking about putting confession off for another week or two. It is just getting harder and harder.

It a very good friend of mine who is his sponsor. My friend knows me very well. He is the person I confided in when I was in a very dark place in my life. He was my life jacket. He also sees through my husband so that helps. I don’t like them spending time together because he is my friend but I know that he could help my husband spiritually.

I know 4 men in the group who are great guys and very orthodox plus the priest. They could be a good influence. One of the men, my husband is jealous of and it is good for them to get to know each other so that my husband will stop worrying.

I am sure that your priest understands it is an addiction and that you are trying. Don’t be afraid go to confession. I just did and it feels good and is a relief. If you need to, go to a different priest. You get graces every time you confess and it will help with you problem.