Confession

[KimL]

I went to confession today and I mention we were not married in the church; my priest then told me he could not give me a reconciliation. I was appalled. WHY?
How can they with hold Gods forgiveness to me? I am so upset I may not go back!
Is this right? I dont recall Jesus with holding his fathers love from anyone?

 

[mercygate]

I went to confession today and I mention we were not married in the church; my priest then told me he could not give me a reconciliation. I was appalled. WHY?
How can they with hold Gods forgiveness to me? I am so upset I may not go back!
Is this right? I dont recall Jesus with holding his fathers love from anyone?

I’m sorry he didn’t help you understand. But if you married outside the Church, and you did not receive the appropriate dispensation to do so, your marriage is not considered valid. He could have given you absolution only if you had agreed to live as brother and sister until you and your husband can get your marriage in order.

It may sound “appalling” to withhold absolution but if you step back and look at the big picture, it makes perfect sense. You violated a serious discipline of the Church (probably didn’t even realize it at the time) in marrying outside the Church. An important part of receiving forgiveness is repentance. That means understanding that you have done something wrong and being willing to make it right.

My spouse did the same thing. When he came back into the Church, we had to get married as if we had never been married. When my priest told me about it, I understood immediately. According to the Church, we had been living in open fornication for years. The priest blushed and said, “I wouldn’t put it like that!” – meaning he recognized that we had been faithful and had fallen into a serious error largely through ignorance.

But the fact remains: we were not married in the eyes of God. DH was REALLY cranky about that. But eventually, he agreed: we married properly (using the same readings from our wedding in the Episcopal Church).

 

[Tantum_ergo]

Your priest was correct, but you are perhaps not understanding that it is NOT the ‘priest’ who is ‘denying you’ reconciliation.

You are married ‘outside the church’ and, for a Catholic, that is a mortal sin. Whether you were aware of it or not, it is not just the ‘marriage’ ceremony that was the ‘sin’ it is the continuation of the marital relationship. I’m sure it is very difficult to understand when I am certain that you were NOT aware of your fault and that you and your husband are probably very loving, faithful people, but try to understand because it is not some ‘priest’ who is ‘labeling you’ with sin unfairly. The marriage is invalid. . .and that is a sin.

In order for you to be reconciled, you must not only confess the sin, you must stop sinning. Now for that to happen, you and your husband must stop living as husband and wife, until you have taken whatever steps may be necessary (from annulment if one of you was married before, to paperwork for defect of form and convalidation of the marriage if neither of you were married before, or anything else your priest tells you) to make it possible for you to marry in the church. If you don’t, no matter how much you say you are sorry for marrying outside the Catholic Church, you haven’t really corrected the sin, or STOPPED the sin. And again, I am sure it is very hard for you to consider that the love you and your husband share is sinful. It is not that you love each other which is sinful. . .it is that you are not validly sacramentally married.

So really it is important for you to look at the TRUE picture here. It is not ‘the church’ or the priest who are denying YOU something you can demand by ‘right’, or who are keeping YOU from God. Hard as it may be to accept (may God guide you and bless you in this, and may He bring the means for you and your husband to marry in the church through annulment, or convalidation, or whatever is necessary). . .it is YOUR action of marrying invalidly which is the stumbling block and it is up to YOU–not the Church or the priest–to take the steps (though certainly they will do all in their power to assist you) to rectify the situation.

Remember what Jesus said to the woman caught in adultery–He did not ‘condemn’ her (by ordering her to be stoned to death in punishment) but He told her “Go and SIN NO MORE”. So the priest (and the Church) are not ‘condemning’ you either. . .they are telling you to take the step of going and ‘sinning no more’ to reconcile yourself to Christ.

 

[KimL]

But we WERE married in the eyes of God. The woman who married us was a catholic. She was a Judge; but why should that matter? God was mentioned in our ceremony more than a few times; I dont feel like we did anything wrong. It just doesn’t make sense to me, I mean how can a mortal sinner tell me my marriage is not valid under God; doesn’t he mean “the church”?

 

[Catholig]

But we WERE married in the eyes of God. The woman who married us was a catholic. She was a Judge; but why should that matter? God was mentioned in our ceremony more than a few times; I dont feel like we did anything wrong. It just doesn’t make sense to me, I mean how can a mortal sinner tell me my marriage is not valid under God; doesn’t he mean “the church”?

KimL,

A sinner can tell you that your marriage is not valid under God, because it is not. Just as you, who are a sinner, can tell someone else when they have sinned or a dogmatic truth (e.g. Mary was assumed into heaven, the host really does become Jesus after the words of consecration are pronounced - so long as the priest intends for transubstantiation to happen). The simply fact is that no matter what your conscience may tell you the Church, which Christ founded, and instructs says that you MUST be married in it by a priest with the possible exception of if a dispensation has been granted.

All you have to do is live chastely until you get your marriage validated and then you can enjoy marital relations as a married couple in the eyes of God.

Catholig

 

[Corki]

Kim,

I really recommend that you meet with the priest outside of Confession and discuss what you need to do to get your marriage regularized.

You are not the only Catholic who was brought up without a good catechesis on the obligations of Catholics. One of those obligations, whether you knew it or not, was to marry according to the laws of the Church. Usually that means in a Catholic Church witnessed by a priest or deacon. (there are exceptions but you have to get dispensation beforehand) Any other marriage may be perfectly legal but is not valid sacramentally. As a Catholic, you should not be living as man and wife unless you are joined in a sacramental marriage.

The good news is that, as long as there are no complicating issues (such as a prior marriage by either one of you) getting your marriage convalidated is not a very complicated process.

Please go, talk to him, don’t stay away from the Church over this. It is because of her love of all Catholics that she requires this so that you may receive all the graces of the Sacrament of Matrimony.

 

[mercygate]

But we WERE married in the eyes of God. The woman who married us was a catholic. She was a Judge; but why should that matter? God was mentioned in our ceremony more than a few times; I dont feel like we did anything wrong. It just doesn’t make sense to me, I mean how can a mortal sinner tell me my marriage is not valid under God; doesn’t he mean “the church”?

WOW! I wish I could give you a big hug, put on a pot of tea, and help you think this through.

As Corki has said, it isn’t the priest who is doing something “TO” you. You were dropped through the cracks in your catechesis on the nature and sacramental character of marriage.

Where to begin? The “rules” of the Church are not hoops to jump through nor are they man-made bureaucratic gobbledygook. They are delineations of behavior that reflect the God-given character of marriage. Marriage is a God-ordained covenant and part of the equation is the public profession of your commitment according to the form of the Church Christ Himself established on earth to nourish and sustain the faithful and to sheperd them on their journey to Him.

Ever since governments entered the picture by requiring legal documentation and appointing people like your judge to accept marriage contracts and to recognize them as binding under civil law, many people have come to THINK of “marriage” as merely a civil contract. The Church was solemnizing marriages long before there ever was such a thing as civil government. So you were married " in the eyes of your State, according to their definition, but not in the eyes of God because you ignored His Church when you chose to undertake your civil union.

As Christians, OUR definition of marriage trumps the definition city hall gives it. The current press in governments to legalize same-sex unions is an example of how governments can define something according to their own expedients. The Church cannot take such liberties with human souls.

This is a HUGE blow to you, no doubt. I believe the Holy Spirit took you into that confessional, and you should thank God that the priest had the guts to tell it to you like it is. You are now in a position to fix what is seriously broken. You will find it to be a wonderful relief.

Before you complain about how “unreasonable” or “unfair” all of this is, ask yourself (don’t tell us):

How often have I been to church in the past 5 years?
Why did I not seek to marry in the Church?
How does the Church define “marriage”?
When was the last time I came to confession?
Do I know the definition of mortal sin?
Am I using contraceptives? (And do I know that they are not permitted, and do I understand WHY this is so?)

This could be the best day of your life.

 

[Safe_Eagle]

wonderful post mercygate!

 

[mercygate]

wonderful post mercygate!

Thank you. Tantum Ergo did a great job in laying out the sitiuation in a clear and comprehensible way.

KimL – until this is fixed (or unless you stop having marital relations with your husband), you may not receive Communion or any Sacrament of the Church.

Don’t start thrashing over this. It is perfectly reasonable. “Communion” when your state of life violates the divine law (not just Church law), is death to your soul and is not “communion” at all.

 

[Tantum_ergo]

But we WERE married in the eyes of God. The woman who married us was a catholic. She was a Judge; but why should that matter? God was mentioned in our ceremony more than a few times; I dont feel like we did anything wrong. It just doesn’t make sense to me, I mean how can a mortal sinner tell me my marriage is not valid under God; doesn’t he mean “the church”?

Hi Kim. . .Hugs and blessings. You see, for whatever reason (probably not your fault) you have misunderstood what ‘marriage in the eyes of God’ is. For whatever reason, you either did not hear or did not understand that God and the Catholic Church are NOT ‘separate’ entities and that you can ‘do for God’ something and NOT do ‘for the church’ and it’s all okay because God is the one who matters. . .

But God did not establish a Church to be in opposition. Like a bridegroom (God) He and His bride (the Church) are ‘one flesh’. Now, that ‘one flesh’ can exist outside a valid sacramental marriage, of course. . .but its EXISTENCE does not make it right, valid, and correct.

As a Catholic, you are under obedience to ALL the laws of the Church because you understand that they are God-given. You cannot claim that you want to obey one law --that of your responsibility to receive Holy Communion–while breaking another --which requires you to be in a state of grace. All that you will do then is break BOTH laws if you insist that your ‘feelings’ or what YOU ‘understood’ as being ‘all right’ trumps WHAT THE CHURCH SAYS. Of course, you can walk right down the aisle and “take” communion and probably no one will stop you. . .but it is the difference between receiving what you know is yours (communion in a state of grace) and taking what you know is NOT yours (communion NOT in a state of grace) simply because it is WHAT YOU WANT.

So now that you KNOW you are and have been in error. . .the choice is clear. You MUST obey the law of the Church if you wish to be ‘in communion’ with the Church and to RECEIVE communion in the Church. You must put down your ‘choice’ and, even though it is hard, acknowledge that you were WRONG, and do what you must to make things RIGHT.

The fact that there were obviously others who MIGHT (were not obligated to per se but MIGHT) have helped you earlier–the ‘Catholic’ judge who IF SHE KNEW THAT YOU WERE CATHOLIC have asked, “Do you know marrying outside the Church is wrong?”, or any of your family and friends who could have done the same. . .does not take away the fact that ultimately YOU are the one responsible for NOT knowing what your faith required, and who erred–in good faith, but error nonetheless. You cannot try, tempting as it is, to put the blame onto ‘everybody else’ for not accepting “the judge who was Catholic and mentioned God” as though the mere fact of her ‘catholicity’ and the ‘mentioning of God’ is ENOUGH to make a marriage outside the Church into something the Church ‘should’ accept as valid.

Unless your husband (or you) has been married before, there should be very, very little DIFFICULTY for you to CONVALIDATE your marriage and be free to receive the sacraments. The more you try to shore up your hurt FEELINGS with attempts to either justify yourself or to claim it is the CHURCH which is at fault, the longer it will take for you to do what should be done. You really don’t want to be depriving yourself even longer than you need to --do you?

P.S. – what mortal sinner? The priest? I doubt it. Me? Not right now at any rate, thanks be to God. . .but even if I (or he) were in mortal sin, that doesn’t mean that we cannot see error for ourselves OR for others. If no body could ever speak of error save one who was not guilty of error–the world would be totally silent.

 

[Ignatius]

I went to confession today and I mention we were not married in the church; my priest then told me he could not give me a reconciliation. I was appalled. WHY?
How can they with hold Gods forgiveness to me? I am so upset I may not go back!
Is this right? I dont recall Jesus with holding his fathers love from anyone?

For a Catholic to marry outside the Church is a mortal sin. A judge, Catholic or otherwise, does not have any mandate from the Catholic Church to perform a sacramental Marriage. Assuming you are Catholic, the solution is to ask to have your marraige blessed by getting married by the Church. It should take about 15 minutes of your time and will solve the problem.

It occured to me that you may not be Catholic; if this is the case, why are you bringing this up here?

 

[scottm]

I went to confession today and I mention we were not married in the church; my priest then told me he could not give me a reconciliation. I was appalled. WHY?
How can they with hold Gods forgiveness to me? I am so upset I may not go back!
Is this right? I dont recall Jesus with holding his fathers love from anyone?

I’m confused about the larger context here. I’m married. Wife and I were married in a Protestant church by a Methodist pastor. Wife is still Protestant. I went to confession before starting RCIA, before I even knew of the word “RCIA,” because I needed to go. I needed to go. And the local Catholic priest over here let me do it. And yes, I did tell the priest that I wasn’t Catholic and that I’m married. It was the first thing I told him, and he still went through with the sacrament all the way to the end. Different sort of priest? I dunno.

 

[Corki]

I’m confused about the larger context here. I’m married. Wife and I were married in a Protestant church by a Methodist pastor. Wife is still Protestant. I went to confession before starting RCIA, before I even knew of the word “RCIA,” because I needed to go. I needed to go. And the local Catholic priest over here let me do it. And yes, I did tell the priest that I wasn’t Catholic and that I’m married. It was the first thing I told him, and he still went through with the sacrament all the way to the end. Different sort of priest? I dunno.

Different situation. You and your wife, both Protestant at the time, were married in a Protestant wedding. The Church considers that a valid, sacramental marriage. No sin in that.

The OP is a Catholic who, although she may not have realized it, was required to marry in a Catholic wedding or to get dispensation from a Catholic Bishop to marry otherwise. She didn’t so her marriage is not considered sacramental and she needs to straighten that situation out.

 

[scottm]

Ohhhhhh… thanks for the lesson!

 

[mercygate]

I’m confused about the larger context here. I’m married. Wife and I were married in a Protestant church by a Methodist pastor. Wife is still Protestant. I went to confession before starting RCIA, before I even knew of the word “RCIA,” because I needed to go. I needed to go. And the local Catholic priest over here let me do it. And yes, I did tell the priest that I wasn’t Catholic and that I’m married. It was the first thing I told him, and he still went through with the sacrament all the way to the end. Different sort of priest? I dunno.

??? Are you Catholic yet? Anyone may make a confession; but sacramental absolution is something reserved for those who are “properly disposed” – e.g., on the brink of being received into the Church or Catholics. He may have given you a blessing and prayed with you without pronouncing the formula of absolution. Or he may have understood that you were virtually “in” the Church already.

Add to that the fact that you were not a Catholic who had married without a dispensation. Your marriage would be presumed to be valid because you were not under the discipline of the Church when you married…