Confessions to Spouse

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I am in a married relationship and the biggest struggle I have had in my life is pornography/masturbation. I recognize what I need to do in order to get over this…reflect on how I got to this point, confess my sins to a priest, focus on the grace of God, and rely on it to give you strength against temptation. If I fail, rinse and repeat this cycle. I have failed out of human selfishness and as a byproduct of spiritual laziness and I feel like I am taking measures to remedy this problem through increased prayer and focus on Christ. However, I must recognize that I have the potential to fail again because I have been here before. And in that, I recognize that God is greater than my sin and I must refocus myself, confess, and try again. I may not ever be free of these sins of lust, but I know that in the grand scheme of things that God will be the judge of my efforts despite the outcome throughout my life.

The main focus of my question is below:

My spouse also wants to share with me the inmost of my being and the struggles I have in my life, and if possible would like to assist. I of course, would like to share an initmacy with her in accordance with God’s will. The problem is, my spouse feels that in order to show that I wish this same trust and openess of marriage, that I should offer up to her when I have failed/sinned in this area. I do not believe she can be of any help (not that I am not open to the possibility) and my sins only serve to hurt her as it has in the past when I have been open about it.

I recognize that my spouse’s intentions are good, but I have questions as to whether I am obligated or even should share these sins with her. If I have confessed my sins to a priest, resolved to try harder, have the mindset as stated above in regards to tackling this sin, then there can be no ‘fruit’ in telling your spouse and may only serve to create distrust. Sharing with her that I feel it is my personal struggle to deal with and in faith I feel I can do so given my mindset, that I desire to confess, and that it is not her place to know my personal sin, it has been met with distrust and anger- as if I am using this reasoning as a way to avoid my guilt. She feels that she will never know where I am ‘at’ and will feel disconnected with me throughout our life.

Am I morally, spiritual, or logically incorrect here? Aren’t my personal sins and confessions of these sins and other sins reserved for God and God alone? However, if it pleases God for me to share them with my wife for the betterment of our marriage, I would surely recognize that. I am trying to find more information/sources (from the Church or philosophical) regarding this topic in solid terms of what faith and reason can provide.
 
The truth is beautiful just make the presentation its equal.

You can tell anyone anything it all depends on your wording.

You may be surprised how much closer you will be. Opening up
is bonding.

When you bare your soul it brings you peace and you feel like an honset person. Step from the darkness into the light.

A story I love to tell copied from the Padre Pio Foundation of America

My White Birch and the Will of God
by Fr. Robert (Bob) McQueeney

When I was a kid, I lived in a big white house, the biggest in the neighborhood. It was on a hilltop and had many trees and flowers and bushes. Fruit trees, apple, crabapple and cherry.

My favorite tree was a white birch, a giant white birch. It was taller than our house. To my young eyes, its tip-top branches seemed to brush the sky. When I sat at “my mother’s knee” she’d read me stories. I was sure that my white birch was just like Jack’s beanstalk.

In my imagination, I had climbed to its top many times and had all kinds of adventures. I imagined that climb so often it became real to me.

One afternoon in late October, I was playing outside with my best pals, Billy and Jim. It was almost supper time; the Halloween sun was ready to call it a day. We were by the side of the house under my white birch. I made a dumb
mistake. I confided to them that I had climbed to the top of that giant tree many times. They laughed and started to tease me. Jimmy howled in disbelief, “If you’ve climbed it to the top do it now.” The two of them wouldn’t let up. They hooted and laughed. They began to chant, “Climb it! Climb it!”

But I was so small I couldn’t even reach the bottom limbs. They spotted a stepladder leaning against the house. Billy and Jim wrestled it over to the tree and dared me to climb to the top. The limbs were quite close together so I started up. It turned out to be pretty easy. I climbed and climbed. I didn’t look down, just up toward the topmost branches. “I’ll show ‘em,” I thought. Suddenly I became aware that my big birch tree was moving.

The evening breeze was making my friendly, white giant sway from side to side. I was almost at the top! Still, I couldn’t make myself go higher. For the first time, I looked down. Jim and Billy looked so small! And they were yelling to me, "Come on down, come down. "But I couldn’t move. It seemed to me that the tree top was swaying more than ever, back and forth. I held on for dear life. I pressed my cheek tight against the bark. And the bark dug into my cheek. I still remember the smell of white birch!

I heard my mother’s voice from way down below: “Robert, you come down here this minute.” My pals had gone in to call my mother and as soon as she said, “Robert!” I knew I was in trouble. Even so, I couldn’t move. I was frozen - - like a kitten on top of a telephone pole.

Then I heard my father’s voice. He didn’t yell or holler. He knew what had happened. He almost whispered but I could hear him, “It’s okay Bobby, just hold on and I’ll be up to help you.”

So he climbed, too. Almost to the top. Right under where I was. Then he really did whisper; kind words, gentle words. He said, “Let’s play a game.” He had a small pencil flash light. " See where I’m shining the light?" It was on a
branch four or five inches below my right foot. See if you can move your foot into the light." And I did! I surprised myself. But his encouragement was so warm and gentle. I felt I could do most anything.

Then he moved the light to a branch under my left foot. And I managed to move it there. And we repeated the little game time and time again - - I stepped from darkness into light. Until I was at the very bottom branch. And from there, it was no trick at all, even in darkness, to jump into the open arms of my Father.

God love you,

Fr. Robert McQueeney

Amor vincit omnia (love conquers all)
 
Your “personal” sins are affecting her and your marriage. They aren’t reserved for God alone because you are hurting her with them. This could possibly help be a deterrent for you also.

If she cheated on you, don’t you think you have the right to know? Same thing.
 
You are misusing the sexual faculty that belongs to your wife. I think she has a right to know that.

I have a bigger question, though. WHY ON EARTH did you get married knowing you have this problem? Why did you make a commitment and enter into a sacrament which depends, in large part, on sexual unity and faithfulness, knowing you had a huge and persistent impediment in that area? Were you honest with your wife about this problem before you married her? If not, you could be guilty of fraud and your wife might have grounds for annulment should she ever seek one! Just morally though, how could you obligate a woman you say you love to have to deal with the shame, regret, pain, and betrayal of having married a man who, at least some of the time, would rather use his sexual faculties on abused and exploited strangers marketing immorality, than with her?
 
You owe it to her to not shut her out on this.

I suggest you think of ways in which she can help you, like praying together for you to strengthen in holiness and chastity. Or being in the room when you’re on the internet. Think about it, and pray about it. I’m sure you can come up with some ways she can help.

Trying to put myself in her shoes, I think that her wanting you to tell her when you fall means that you have already lost some of her trust, and she wants to get it back. After all, it is a form of infidelity - and that hurts.

Hiding the whole thing from her is just that - hiding it from her. She probably feels that you have hidden it long enough!

But you could turn it around into something positive by concentrating on how long it’s been *since *you fell. You could tell her, “I didn’t slip today!” With both of you keeping track of how long it’s been, you will have additional motivation to resist. I know that counting time helped me a lot when I first quit drinking.

I hope this helps.

To God be the glory,

Ruthie
 
This is not a matter for you to bring to strangers. No one reading your post knows you or your wife well enough to advise you whether to tell her when you commit these sins.

It may be best not to, or like another poster wrote, it may bring you two closer together eventually. But I would advise you to talk to a priest you can trust about this issue, outside of the confessional, before you make any decisions.
 
I don’t think one’s spouse has a divine right to know all our sins. Some things are between us and God.
But you can’t coast along with what you just confessed to us! as it’s an underlying and serious abberation and can undermine your marriage, and is disrespectful, even insulting, to your wife and marriage.
You are right to wish to take a strong stand against these two related areas. I ask God to help you and that He gives you the wisdom to effectively combat these issues
 
Fr Dubay’s book, Deep Conversion Deep Prayer, would perhaps give you some insight.
 
jwerner said:
I am in a married relationship and the biggest struggle I have had in my life is pornography/masturbation. I recognize what I need to do in order to get over this…reflect on how I got to this point, confess my sins to a priest, focus on the grace of God, and rely on it to give you strength against temptation. If I fail, rinse and repeat this cycle. I have failed out of human selfishness and as a byproduct of spiritual laziness and I feel like I am taking measures to remedy this problem through increased prayer and focus on Christ. However, I must recognize that I have the potential to fail again because I have been here before. And in that, I recognize that God is greater than my sin and I must refocus myself, confess, and try again. I may not ever be free of these sins of lust, but I know that in the grand scheme of things that God will be the judge of my efforts despite the outcome throughout my life.

The main focus of my question is below:

My spouse also wants to share with me the inmost of my being and the struggles I have in my life, and if possible would like to assist. I of course, would like to share an initmacy with her in accordance with God’s will. The problem is, my spouse feels that in order to show that I wish this same trust and openess of marriage, that I should offer up to her when I have failed/sinned in this area. I do not believe she can be of any help (not that I am not open to the possibility) and my sins only serve to hurt her as it has in the past when I have been open about it.

I recognize that my spouse’s intentions are good, but I have questions as to whether I am obligated or even should share these sins with her. If I have confessed my sins to a priest, resolved to try harder, have the mindset as stated above in regards to tackling this sin, then there can be no ‘fruit’ in telling your spouse and may only serve to create distrust. Sharing with her that I feel it is my personal struggle to deal with and in faith I feel I can do so given my mindset, that I desire to confess, and that it is not her place to know my personal sin, it has been met with distrust and anger- as if I am using this reasoning as a way to avoid my guilt. She feels that she will never know where I am ‘at’ and will feel disconnected with me throughout our life.

Am I morally, spiritual, or logically incorrect here? Aren’t my personal sins and confessions of these sins and other sins reserved for God and God alone? However, if it pleases God for me to share them with my wife for the betterment of our marriage, I would surely recognize that. I am trying to find more information/sources (from the Church or philosophical) regarding this topic in solid terms of what faith and reason can provide.
Click to expand...
What did you to agree on on matters like this before marriage?
Do you have a priest who could give you some guidance here?
 
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