Confirmation or Not?

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My fourteen year-old daughter is considering whether to be confirmed or not. Part of her doesn’t want to be confirmed because she disagrees with many of the teachings of the Catholic Church. She even stopped going to Mass about eight months ago because of her disagreements with the Church. On the other hand, she thinks that she may want to be confirmed because other kids her age are going to be. She feels that she will miss out on the opportunity to be confirmed if she decides to wait until she agrees with Church teachings. Can anyone offer her some advise? Thank you.
 
If you aren’t even going to Mass what’s the point of being Confirmed?
Perhaps it would be better to go to Confession, then start going back to Mass and then check out the home page of this site at www.catholic.com and the web site www.ewtn.com and start learning. God bless and I will keep you in my prayers.
 
I belief in the importance and value of confirmation enough to say that she shouldn’t join the Catholic Church if she doesn’t agree with the teachings. “Doing it because everyone else is” is a leaking wineskin to me. Confirmation is available later through RCIA, should the decision be to not be confirmed. Ultimately, what happens is between the believer and God…not the believer and God and all the believer’s friends.

Regarding the disagreements, I encourage research, study, logic, and discussions with Catholics who have sound theological reasoning. As a convert-in-progress, I have a hard time disagreeing with the Church! However, I realize there are those who do.
 
My 14 year old daughter just started her confirmation classes. There is no question that she wants to be confirmed. However, the DRE spoke and pointed out that not everyone was there because they wanted to be. He said if you do not want to be confirmed, fine, that is your decision. He said that he did ask that the kids who don’t think that they want to be confirmed go ahead and go through the two year program and commit to going to mass every week, do the community service, and the retreats before they decide for sure. I think this is a good idea, and leaves them open to the Holy Spirit.
 
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Chortle:
My fourteen year-old daughter is considering whether to be confirmed or not. Part of her doesn’t want to be confirmed because she disagrees with many of the teachings of the Catholic Church. She even stopped going to Mass about eight months ago because of her disagreements with the Church. On the other hand, she thinks that she may want to be confirmed because other kids her age are going to be. She feels that she will miss out on the opportunity to be confirmed if she decides to wait until she agrees with Church teachings. Can anyone offer her some advise? Thank you.
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Why is a fourteen year old child not going to Mass every week? As long as she’s putting her feet under your table and sleeping under your roof, you make the rules. Doesn’t matter if she “believes” or not.

You have a responsiblity for the spiritual welfare of your child.
 
You must make your daughter go to Mass. Tell her that it’s your responsibility to see that she goes. I agree that she shouldn’t be confirmed until she’s ready.

Being the parent of a teen-ager can be very challenging and it sure sounds as though your daughter has a very strong mind of her own. Hang in there, it gets better. Pray to St. Monica.
 
I agree that going to Mass is obligatory and would require that my daughter attend Mass if I could. However, my wife doesn’t feel this way. She believes that every person (including our child with her feet under our table) should make have complete freedom to make up their own minds regarding expressions of faith, including Mass attendance.

I do pray to St Monica for her powerful intercession regarding my daughter. Thank you for the reminder to continue to do so.
 
I would encourage the 14 year old in every strong (and loving) way possible (that is tailored to her specific needs) to be confirmed even knowing the distinct possibility of her falling away from the faith. (Which with a wife not on board would take quite a bit of diplomacy and forethought on your part.) Her leaving the faith is far more likely to happen if she isn’t confirmed, and is not compounded any more if she is. Confirmation is a gift of grace and leaves a mark on the soul. It is historically given in infancy and only recently have we forgotten why we seperate the sacraments now.

When I did a google search, I found this succint posting:
Henry Karlson:
Historically, from what I understand, the situation went this way in the West:

Charlesmagne wanted to baptize pagans but not allow them to recieve communion until they had proper catechesis. He asked how this could be done. He was told to withold confirmation – because it is confirmation which gives the right to the rest of the sacraments.

When this happened, baptism and confirmation became separate events. Through history, confirmation was pushed back, and with it, first communion in the West.

Go forward several centuries. Pope St Pius X notes that children used to recieve communion. He establishes an earlier age of reception, but the reason why they no longer recieved it had been somewhat forgotten. So they started to recieve without confirmation. This abnormal practice, which has lasted for nearly a century, now is seen as the “norm” by many Roman Catholics. But within theological circles, it is being understood as a mistake, and work is being done to reverse this problem and bring the proper order of the sacraments back.
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Do not allow her to ‘go through the motions’ for social reasons.
Confirmation is a sacrament not a coming out ball.
She has valid reasons for not getting confirmed at this time.
If she feels a need to get confirmed with her friends then she needs to step up to the plate so that she’ll be ready.

This happened with my son. Spiritually he did not want to get confirmed at the time when the rest of his classmates were preparing for the sacrament. I was faced with the decision as the parent whether or not to force him to attend the confirmation prep sessions (several Saturdays 9-12 and other obligations) and hope that the spirit moves him through the sessions, or spend the next year intensely dealing with his concerns about the church.

I viewed the situation as the beginning of his personal faith journey. I was on one hand, pleased that the Holy Spirit was working with him in this way at such an early age (my faith journey started later in life after I made several dumb mistakes), while on the other hand, terrified that if I handled the situation poorly I could cause him to turn away from the Church all together. I explained to him that his doubt is not bad sign, really, that it means he is being called, so now he has to respond to that call. And then I prayed before the Eucharist at adoration hour to be led by Jesus and the Spirit as to how to proceed.

I then presented the option to him. Either a) go through the program with an open mind and heart and get confirmed even though you don’t believe at the moment or b) promise to spend this year learning everything you can about the issues you have with the church so you can make a final decision next time around. Whatever I present to him to read or listen to, whatever conferences, classes I sign him up for - he has to read, listen, go without any grumbling or resistance and have an open mind. If he still did not want to be confirmed the following year, then we wouldn’t force him.

He went with option B. So I wrote to Dr. Ray, and I posted threads here asking for book/audio tape references for the topics my son was wrestling with and I wrote to his godparents for their prayers and book references. We listened to audio tapes together (Fr. Corapi, Christopher West, Bishop Sheen, Scott Hahn). We read the books together (C.S. Lewis, Frankl). We attended a few conferences (one with Jeff Cavins, others thru our local parish) and by mid year he was ready - it didn’t even take the full year!

When he went through the program the following year every session meant something to him. Yes, he was with a different group of kids, but he grew closer to them than his original group after the Kairos retreat (which is part of the confirmation training process). This year he volunteered to help lead the Kairos retreat for the next batch of confirmation candidates (including his sister).

Hubby and I, our extended family members and his godparents did a lot of praying that year and it paid off. He is on his faith journey and he is no longer intimidated by it. We notice he wears the crucifix he received at Kairos everywhere he goes, he told us the other day that he prays every night and that he’s excited to see where God is leading him. A stark difference than earlier when he was insisting it was his life, not God’s, and that he was resentful toward God for creating him only to do His bidding.

Had my son not experienced the turn around we saw, hubby and I were ready to let him continue to go unconfirmed, knowing that with prayer and maturity, in time, God would bring him home and he’d get confirmed later in life. In that, we had no doubt, for some reason. Perhaps it was the Spirit.
 
I think you can use your wife’s approach to your advantage here.

I believe the main reason I was able to view my son’s resistance to church teachings as calmly as I did was because I had already spent a year listening to Relevant Radio, and several months on this board. I knew there were a lot of people out there with the same struggles my son was facing who could speak to his concerns on a personal level.

I remember telling him I never experienced what he was going through to that extent so I couldn’t really help him through it myself, but I assured him that there are others who did and they’ve written and spoken about what got them through so he’s not alone.

Then I listened. I had him share with me the issues he was facing. I didn’t interrupt. I didn’t tell him his position was wrong. I didn’t try to explain the ‘real’ church position.

I told him that while it frightens me a little to hear him say the things he was saying after all the years we, as a family have worshipped together and led a life of Christ, it also is a good thing that he is questioning and doubting because it meant he was beginning his own personal faith journey. Oh he hated that!! He scowled at me and yelled, “I don’t want to be on a faith journey!”. I had to repress a chuckle as I said, “That’s ok. Lesson #1: When God calls, He calls, whether you want it or not, whether you’re ready or not. You can run, you can hide, but in the end, God’s will will be done.” Which, of course, ticked him off further.

I remember looking at his body language, his facial expressions, into his eyes as he spoke…and it was almost surreal. It was as if I was seeing him through someone else’s eyes, not as mother but as a fellow Catholic. I could almost see Satan wrestling with him and I can remember a feeling of strength well up inside me. With each objection my son presented, in my mind a particular author, talk, seminar would pop up which could resolve that matter for him, and with each resource it felt as though I was putting on another piece of armor preparing for the battle I was about to face with Satan for my son’s soul. At the end of the evening, I felt ready. I knew what my son needed. I knew the resources were at our fingertips, and I knew the Spirit would guide my son’s heart.

Listen to your daughter. Encourage her to speak openly and honestly about her issues with the Church so that you can help her understand them better. Bottom line is their resistance is based on a poor interpretation/understanding of what the Catholic position is. It’s probably based on secular thought and once they hear/read the truth you can trust that the Spirit will move them to understanding.

I guess if there’s one other piece of advice I’d offer, it’s to sit down with your wife and solicit her complete cooperation in how you plan to help your daughter face her issues. If she isn’t going to be part of the solution then she needs to promise not to undermine your efforts. I hope she will support you.
 
When I was 14 I refused to get confirmed. My mom went to church maybe once or twice a month and at that time I had no intention of following the faith.

I was 25 when I got confirmed and I’m glad I waited because it meant something to me instead of just going through the motions.
 
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rayne89:
When I was 14 I refused to get confirmed. My mom went to church maybe once or twice a month and at that time I had no intention of following the faith.

I was 25 when I got confirmed and I’m glad I waited because it meant something to me instead of just going through the motions.
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That’s wonderful!

Come to think of it, I got confirmed in 8th grade because of Catholic school - it was just the next step. I remember learning the right things to say and do, but none of it reached my heart. I still messed up big time in high school and college without a second thought to my promise of 8th grade.

I didn’t come to appreciate confirmation until my siblings left the church. I just find myself so disappointed in them for walking away so easily, but then I realized confirmation really didn’t mean anything to them in the first place so it was easier to walk away from that oath. While I walked away with my actions I never left the church and I came around to actually respect and honor my confirmation later, kinda like you…I was in my late 20s when I came to begin to understand and appreciate the faith, even though I went to Mass every Sunday (that was out of habit, obedience).

Anyway, that’s when I decided I would not have my kids go through the motions like we did. I really don’t want them making my mistakes, and the pressure of the secular world is just as bad as it was in my day, if not worse. So having them understand and appreciate this sacrament is so important to me. Somehow I believe it will protect them better as they hit those critical years of exploring their independence.
 
Yin Yang mom, great thoughts. Thanks for sharing them. As I stated earlier, there is no question that my daughter wants to be confirmed, she is very enthusiastic. I may take your approach when it comes time for my oldest son. He is pretty resistant to going to mass, although I am told that he really participates in religious ed and has lots of interesting questions. So we’ll see what path he chooses.
 
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YinYangMom:
Do not allow her to ‘go through the motions’ for social reasons.
Confirmation is a sacrament not a coming out ball.
She has valid reasons for not getting confirmed at this time.
If she feels a need to get confirmed with her friends then she needs to step up to the plate so that she’ll be ready.

This happened with my son. Spiritually he did not want to get confirmed at the time when the rest of his classmates were preparing for the sacrament. I was faced with the decision as the parent whether or not to force him to attend the confirmation prep sessions (several Saturdays 9-12 and other obligations) and hope that the spirit moves him through the sessions, or spend the next year intensely dealing with his concerns about the church.

I viewed the situation as the beginning of his personal faith journey. I was on one hand, pleased that the Holy Spirit was working with him in this way at such an early age (my faith journey started later in life after I made several dumb mistakes), while on the other hand, terrified that if I handled the situation poorly I could cause him to turn away from the Church all together. I explained to him that his doubt is not bad sign, really, that it means he is being called, so now he has to respond to that call. And then I prayed before the Eucharist at adoration hour to be led by Jesus and the Spirit as to how to proceed.

I then presented the option to him. Either a) go through the program with an open mind and heart and get confirmed even though you don’t believe at the moment or b) promise to spend this year learning everything you can about the issues you have with the church so you can make a final decision next time around. Whatever I present to him to read or listen to, whatever conferences, classes I sign him up for - he has to read, listen, go without any grumbling or resistance and have an open mind. If he still did not want to be confirmed the following year, then we wouldn’t force him.

He went with option B. So I wrote to Dr. Ray, and I posted threads here asking for book/audio tape references for the topics my son was wrestling with and I wrote to his godparents for their prayers and book references. We listened to audio tapes together (Fr. Corapi, Christopher West, Bishop Sheen, Scott Hahn). We read the books together (C.S. Lewis, Frankl). We attended a few conferences (one with Jeff Cavins, others thru our local parish) and by mid year he was ready - it didn’t even take the full year!

When he went through the program the following year every session meant something to him. Yes, he was with a different group of kids, but he grew closer to them than his original group after the Kairos retreat (which is part of the confirmation training process). This year he volunteered to help lead the Kairos retreat for the next batch of confirmation candidates (including his sister).

Hubby and I, our extended family members and his godparents did a lot of praying that year and it paid off. He is on his faith journey and he is no longer intimidated by it. We notice he wears the crucifix he received at Kairos everywhere he goes, he told us the other day that he prays every night and that he’s excited to see where God is leading him. A stark difference than earlier when he was insisting it was his life, not God’s, and that he was resentful toward God for creating him only to do His bidding.

Had my son not experienced the turn around we saw, hubby and I were ready to let him continue to go unconfirmed, knowing that with prayer and maturity, in time, God would bring him home and he’d get confirmed later in life. In that, we had no doubt, for some reason. Perhaps it was the Spirit.
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WOW!
 
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Chortle:
I agree that going to Mass is obligatory and would require that my daughter attend Mass if I could. However, my wife doesn’t feel this way. She believes that every person (including our child with her feet under our table) should make have complete freedom to make up their own minds regarding expressions of faith, including Mass attendance.

I do pray to St Monica for her powerful intercession regarding my daughter. Thank you for the reminder to continue to do so.
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Not until they’ve finished their proper formation in the faith. THEN they will have freedom because they will have a mind to make up. At this point, your daughter doesn’t have the tools to make a decision. Did your wife allow your daughter “complete freedom” regarding expressions of toilet training?
 
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dulcissima:
Yin Yang mom, great thoughts. Thanks for sharing them. As I stated earlier, there is no question that my daughter wants to be confirmed, she is very enthusiastic. I may take your approach when it comes time for my oldest son. He is pretty resistant to going to mass, although I am told that he really participates in religious ed and has lots of interesting questions. So we’ll see what path he chooses.
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Oooh…that’s interesting feedback you’re getting…gives me goosebumps to recognize when the changing of age kids start asking real questions seeking real answers.

I think the situation with my son is what moved me to teach 8th grade RE. I know so many of the kids don’t want to be there, they don’t even know what Catholic means (even though they’ve been through the system since kindgergarten). But if I can get 2 or 3 of them to start asking real questions then I feel the seeds have been planted. They’ve go two years after that to face the decision about confirmation.

One thing I should note about my son’s situation, he always went to mass with us. That has always been a non-negotiable in the house so I don’t think it even occured to him not to go.

It’s interesting how the teens hit a stage where they think they know better than the adults around them…I know this is the stage where they value thinking for themselves so I try to nurture critical thinking at that point. Yes, thinking for yourself and making decisions is a good thing…so this is the time to caution them that good decisions come from good research - it does not come off the top of your head, nor is it strictly a gut instinct (though the instincts should be noted and considered). When they see that the real world job situations rely on this method of analysis, then they seem more willing to use the same techniques with their spiritual path and since there are so many wonderful resources of info available to them we know that once they get through one book, it’ll move them to read another, and yet another. So the real challenge becomes teaching them how to distinguish ‘orthodox’ authors/speakers from the imposters and sabateurs.
 
Last year due to lack of parents volunteering to teach CCD my son got the DRE as a teacher. He seemed to really click with him, and seemed to feel free to really open up in class. The DRE got a big kick out him. He asked me what his IQ was.

My kids do always go to mass, although lately the older two have been going on their own to the youth mass in the evening instead of in the morning with us. They like it because they can be ushers. Now last night my son calls me on his cell phone between religious ed and mass, trying to beg his way out of it because he is tired after religious ed. I’m all “Sorry, Sunday obligation, you are going”. He actually tried to say he would go to confession so that he could miss this week. I assured him, that is not the way that it works. He could not purposely miss mass and plan on going to confession to make up for it. He is still learning.
 
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dulcissima:
Last year due to lack of parents volunteering to teach CCD my son got the DRE as a teacher. He seemed to really click with him, and seemed to feel free to really open up in class. The DRE got a big kick out him. He asked me what his IQ was.

My kids do always go to mass, although lately the older two have been going on their own to the youth mass in the evening instead of in the morning with us. They like it because they can be ushers. Now last night my son calls me on his cell phone between religious ed and mass, trying to beg his way out of it because he is tired after religious ed. I’m all “Sorry, Sunday obligation, you are going”. He actually tried to say he would go to confession so that he could miss this week. I assured him, that is not the way that it works. He could not purposely miss mass and plan on going to confession to make up for it. He is still learning.
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Great responses. They work for me too.
We switched from the Saturday 4:30 mass to the Sunday 6pm to accommodate our teen kids. The parish started the 6pm so that the youth group kids could go to mass then go to class (the youth program is from 9th -12th). There have been times when they’ve been really tired too, but I just remind them they’re tired because they did other things earlier in the day knowing they still had a long evening ahead of them. Their choice. Their consequence. God’s day is HIS day. No way out.
 
Our son will be 15 in a few days – and he has just begun his second year of Confirmation classes (diocese requires 2 year prep for Confirmation). He is a devout young man, and has shocked me with the depth of his faith on MORE than one occasion. With all that in mind, I sat down with him last night looked him square in the eye and asked if he desired confirmation. The answer was a resounding yes.

If this were my daughter, I would sit down with your Priest and DRE and explain the situation. Ask that she attend the prep with an open mind and make the decision along with those in charge as she nears the Sacrament – two years is a long time, and this young woman could have a conversion of heart in that time.

Pray for her and love her! Being a teen age girl is not an easy thing…
 
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kage_ar:
Our son will be 15 in a few days – and he has just begun his second year of Confirmation classes (diocese requires 2 year prep for Confirmation). He is a devout young man, and has shocked me with the depth of his faith on MORE than one occasion. With all that in mind, I sat down with him last night looked him square in the eye and asked if he desired confirmation. The answer was a resounding yes.

If this were my daughter, I would sit down with your Priest and DRE and explain the situation. Ask that she attend the prep with an open mind and make the decision along with those in charge as she nears the Sacrament – two years is a long time, and this young woman could have a conversion of heart in that time.

Pray for her and love her! Being a teen age girl is not an easy thing…
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You raise a good point.
When my son was struggling I did sit down with the DRE to explain what he was going through, what some of his issues were. She, too, was very supportive. She told me it was ok to let him sit it out another year or so. She offered reading selections and throughout the year, at church events she made the effort to come up to greet him, chat with him a bit. When he returned the following year for the training, I let the DRE know what had transpired and what concerns he might still have. She made sure to pair him up with just the right students in the class to help him through.

Definitely keep the DRE co-educator of the faith of your children, even when they aren’t in the official church programs. They’re a great asset.

I also sat down with the priest when I was figuring out how best to approach the situation. He recommended The Screwtape Letters and my son really enjoyed it.

Kudos to you in your faithful stewardship as parent to such a wonderful gift as your son!
 
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