Confirmation

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Michael280

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Hi all, I’m very new here.Don’t know what to do. I’m Catholic and am a sponsor for a young man being confirmed next spring. We are three months into the confirmation journey with him. When he was three years of age his father was diagnosed with a brain tumor and his father lived until a year and two months ago. His father has been a close friend of mine since freshman year in high school. Watching him deteriorate was hard for everyone. 😦 Well his confirmation class is having a retreat this weekend and he doesn’t want to go. And saying he doesn’t want to get confirmed. His mother who is a very strong person having three children, now on her own.Confirmation is very important to her and would’ve been for her husband. She is torn up. I think the son may be filled with anger over his fathers death.I tried to talk to him over the years about his father but he’s not ready to open up. I guess my question is should he be nudged to get confirmed? His mother wants me to push him along with getting confirmed. Thanks Mike

May have more questions later.
 
Michael280 said:
Hi all, I’m very new here.Don’t know what to do. I’m Catholic and am a sponsor for a young man being confirmed next spring. We are three months into the confirmation journey with him. When he was three years of age his father was diagnosed with a brain tumor and his father lived until a year and two months ago. His father has been a close friend of mine since freshman year in high school. Watching him deteriorate was hard for everyone. 😦 Well his confirmation class is having a retreat this weekend and he doesn’t want to go. And saying he doesn’t want to get confirmed. His mother who is a very strong person having three children, now on her own.Confirmation is very important to her and would’ve been for her husband. She is torn up. I think the son may be filled with anger over his fathers death.I tried to talk to him over the years about his father but he’s not ready to open up. I guess my question is should he be nudged to get confirmed? His mother wants me to push him along with getting confirmed. Thanks Mike

May have more questions later.
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Ohhhh I am so so sorry to hear of the loss of this young man’s father. I am sure everyone is hurting deeply.

My first impulse is to say please dont pressure this young man. He is in a very vulnerable spot and can very well end up resenting all of you, and the Church if he feels any pressure.

Be encouraging, be there, But please please dont pressure. Even though you know its what both of his parents would want.

But this shouldnt be about what his parents would want.
Its about his commitment to the church and the Lord.
Forcing kids, esp teens, often has long term negative effects when it comes to things of a religious and spiritual nature.

Im just not into force and pressure. I find it back fires.

But I do have a quesiton. Is his mother a devout and active Catholic? Or is this one of those cases of “do as I want, not as I do?”

What kind example is being given to this young man?
 
She is a active catholic going to church and as active as she can be with trying to raise three children and having a full time job. Her son goes to church sometimes but she kinda has to force him sometimes.
 
Michael280 said:
She is a active catholic going to church and as active as she can be with trying to raise three children and having a full time job. Her son goes to church sometimes but she kinda has to force him sometimes.
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Mmmm, that is a toughie.

I really dont know what to say. Im still not a fan of pressuring someone who is in an emotional vulnerable spot.

Hopefully someone else will chime in with other thoughts and comments. Esp those who have had teenage kids who were pushing back against church and religion.

Im keep you all in my prayers.
 
Have you tried asking him why he doesn’t want to be confirmed?

And I didn’t catch how old the person was.

Remember–HE has the right to choose his own sponsor. Maybe this is what he’s objecting to: having his rights trampled.
 
as someone who was a PK…
let me tell you firmly “do something that is supposed to be deeply important to YOUR religious life, for the sake of your parents…” never works out well

i will also say you have NO idea what may be bothering him.
did someone in teh church act inappropriately to him? say something he took badly about his fathers death (like “it was God’s will”)?

is he angry at his father for dying?
is he angry or hurt because of something his father did, or he feels slighted/wronged by…? (and in which case how can he talk to YOU about how he feels your best friend did a bad thing?)

of course he coudl also be feeling a calling to religious life that he doesnt want to admit to. and thinks if he just avoids confirmation he doesnt have to think about it.

you dont know
and if its something about his dad… he really cant talk to you. he needs someone who wasnt his “dad’s friend”

be supportive.
tell him “i wont ask you to be confirmed” but … can you talk to me. or to SOMEONE… about what is going on?
 
bpbasilphx said:
Have you tried asking him why he doesn’t want to be confirmed?

And I didn’t catch how old the person was.

Remember–HE has the right to choose his own sponsor. Maybe this is what he’s objecting to: having his rights trampled.
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He is 16 yrs. old. I think asking me to be a sponsor was his choice. And since I found out he doesn’t want to be confirmed I haven’t taiked to him. Mike

Fabric dragon, I agree if he is doing it for his parents it won’t work out well.Your other question,it can’t be anything his father did he really never knew him very well he relies on other people to tell him about his dad. Mike

I’m thinking of talking to his mom tonight and talking about letting him make up his own mind on this one or it could turn out bad. Thanks Mike
 
The Sacraments are not magic talismans or simple rites of passage. If he does not want to participate, certainly something should be done to try to determine why (and perhaps not by the mother and maybe not you; the priest or a respected teacher might be best). Perhaps that can remedy the situation.

However, let’s move it from Confirmation to Baptism at 16 - any questions remaining? There shouldn’t be…
 
this is where the role of confirmation sponsor truly comes into play. you are the adult, at this time in the young man’s life, with whom he can talk about these things. Specifically why he does not want to be confirmed, and hopefully about the deeper issues–grief, his spiritual condition, whatever is underlying those feelings.

To be a good man he can turn to is the essence of your role. Canonically you represent the entire Church in attesting that this candidate is ready for confirmation and wishes to be confirmed. You also represent the Church to him, as someone other than his parents–his father who is gone and his mother who is grieving herself–who can speak for the Church in welcoming him, in enunciating and demonstrating through your own faith how it is precisely in situations such as he now faces that Faith, and the whole Church is his strongest ally.

God has blessed you in putting you in place for this child. Pray for him intensely, work on your own spiritual life and faith like never before, and let him know that you will not present him for confirmation unless he himself asks for it, and that you will do everything in your power to show him that the gifts of the Holy Spirit he will be asking for are what he needs now more than ever.

note to sponsors: you should be meeting regularly with your candidate and having conversations with him. That actually is the reason why we fabricate “opportunities for quality time” through the mandatory confirmation meetings, to facilitate what should be happening naturally. As the adult you should make the first move to suggest a get-together where he has a chance to tell you how he feels about things in general and confirmation specifically. You are his go-to guy at this point.
 
As much as you probably dont want to tell him this, you should tell him getting confirmed is up to him. BUT he has to go on the retreat. After the retreat he is allowed to decide. Usually (and hopefully) retreats works miracles, and hopefully it will in his heart. 🙂
Godbless.
 
Thank You to all for (name removed by moderator)ut I agree with what has been discussed. If I find out why he doesn’t want this I may come back to dicuss somemore. Thanks Mike very helpfull
 
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