Conflict between parishioners

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Anicette

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… Over the presence of turbulent child.

He was not particularly noisy this sunday, but he is a toodler boy who need to moove a lot, laught and a little scamp over his mother. He cannot sit for an hour in silence.
I just cannot go outside the church in the cold (he had remooved his coat) and definitely I cannot let my other child alone in the church.

It’s his only real activity outside the home.

Yet this parishioner ask me to not come back to mass again because we prevent him from listening.
I hate it and it turn into an argument when others may have heard my "chosen"level of vocabulary.

I am in shock. I don’t think I can decently go another time in my parish for mass until my pastor has confirmed that I am welcome again. he was not here this time.

But I don’t know what to do and how to do it. And what to do for next sunday. I tend to be impulsive when I am emotional, so i don’t want to regret it later.

That’s why I come for advise.

Thanks you.
 
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Parishoners do not have the authority to tell other parishoners not to attend a specific Mass. Can you sit somewhere else, maybe at the back where you can more effectively tend your child.
 
He always sit in the front. We are the only family here with small children and the parish had little tables and chairs for children in the side of the altar. My daughter stay here and color her missel quietly.
My toddler is more a "moover " in style with material and moove a lot.

I can go in the back when he mooves but it’s not big, and he will finally walk in the side aisle with my supervision if I don’t want him to yell and debate in my arms.

It is not a very big church, and we are between 50 max 80 people.
 
Is there family he can stay home with or can you take him for a walk before Mass starts (just put the jacket back on him outside the Church doors, or take him for part of the Mass and then retire to pray at home.
Standing in back of the Church or in a crying room or vestibule might also be helpful.
I hope you find a solutions which is helpful both to your faith life and to that of your parishioners.
He won’t be a toddler forever.
How about soft picture books of the saints for him to look at?
 
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That’s what I think. the problem is that i don’t know what where to set a limit. I start to write a novel over many transversal problems, so I erase it.

What could I write?
 
jeannetherese said:
Is there family he can stay home with
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I could answer “to stay with his dad”. But I hate this possibility because it would legitimate definitively that my husband don’t go to mass anymore (which he would appreciate). I don’t think it is a solution.
jeannetherese said:
or can you take him for a walk before Mass starts
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We go to church by feet and he walk all the travel (600 meters). So he had already had his walk.
jeannetherese said:
or take him for part of the Mass and then retire to pray at home.
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To be honest, as we are usually late, we only have “a part of mass”… ☺️ ☺️

“jeannetherese said:
How about soft picture books of the saints for him to look at?
[/quote

He loves reading books. Until now I didn’t do it, or he wasn’t aware because of too many stimulations. I will try again.
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I don’t know the name of the parishioner…

It may be more correct that the parishioner suggest me to not come back, as he cannot ask me that with an authority he don’t hold.
He also pointed that all his 6 children were quiet at mass (to point my defect on education…)
 
When I hear children laughter or noise during Mass, I thank our Lord for this new Catholic who gets to be in our Lord’s True Presence. It’s a blessing for all of us to see and hear the little one’s in Mass.
 
SeekSalvation said:
When I hear children laughter or noise during Mass, I thank our Lord for this new Catholic who gets to be in our Lord’s True Presence. It’s a blessing for all of us to see and hear the little one’s in Mass.
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I agree with this.

I would definitely not stop taking your little one to Mass. His behaviour will improve with practice & as you continue to teach him. It sounds like his sister is a good influence at Mass.

It is natural for little boys to be more physically energetic & not want to sit still and color in. Nothing to be embarrassed about.
 
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how old is you’re child.

Maybe you can bring something they can do quietly at service, like a coloring book… how do you keep him quiet at home when you need too?

If he is young enough that he’s too distracted at service, he’s not paying attention anyway. Why not leave him with dad until he gets a little older, then after service maybe you can give you’re husband the break he didn’t get while everyone is at church.

This way, you get a little break while you’re at church and then you’re husband can get one afterwards… you can even teach your child about the service you just attended at his level so he understand, then maybe he’ll become more interested in attending church.
 
thanks you.

Yes, he don’t want to sit and coloring. he tried but he only want to do it in ejecting his sister from his chair even if he has others chairs available. He only want to color with ther pencil, even if there is others pencils and only in her book. She is gracious because she allows him to color her book.

But very quickly he throwth all the pencils away, and start to moove the tables and chairs… again, sing loudly when people sing (but don’t always stop when people stop!) and start to run down the aisle. When we follow him, because we cannot let him unsupervised, it becomes a game so he laught and make some screams…

and …some people will become annoyed.

Of course if we tried to stop him he yelled and struggle.

he also does not obey a lot and try to push the limits (and much more with me than with his father).

If nobody have said something, i would have conclude that his conduct as mass was acceptable, and that I manage it almost well.
 
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At his age, coloring a book does not keep him quiet…
annad347 said:
how do you keep him quiet at home when you need too?
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It’s always difficult.

I tried to do an activity for both (there is not a lot of!)
i care for him when my oldest do another thing
Or I do one thing with the oldest when I let my other more or less play as he wants.

We do more formal school stuff when he is napping…
annad347 said:
hy not leave him with dad until he gets a little older
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because It would justify that my husband does not go to mass anymore.

It is important for me that he goes for mass since always because habits come from a young age. I am annoyed that he miss the prayer group for children because he is napping… (and it relieved me because I don’t have to run after him like another mom!)
And I know that if my husband does not go for mass to keep his child the habit will be taken and that he never come back anymore after.
It is only a few weeks that he don’t come and it makes me furious. Yet… I have no choice than to tolerate it even if I don’t accept it.

Believe me, I have had the same at home when little. No good has come from that.
 
It appears to me that your son, the toddler, hasn’t matured enough to be left by himself at the church.

You should still definitely continue to take him to Mass (regardless what the other parishioner told you).

My advice is simply that he should remain on either your lap or the lap of your husband throughout the Mass while you are seating and he should be holding your hand or your husband’s hand while your standing or kneeling during the Mass.

If he starts to cry because of this, fine. Let him cry. But he needs to learn some discipline and until he does, he shouldn’t be granted any freedom while he is at church. You can tell him once he starts to behave like his well-behaved older sister, then he can have more freedom at church.

But until then, keep a hold of him during the Mass. Mass is not the time to let undisciplined toddlers roam free throughout the church regardless if he is a “mover.”
 
He is 2 and half younger than his sister. He cannot have the same maturity level. Her sister didn’t had at this age, even if she is less physical than him.

To let him on lap would simply don’t work for us. He will only tolerate it for a short time, maybe with the help of nursing. but after he would struggle, yelled, self harm and harm ourselves. With the mask it make the problem even harder because he would remoove it and throw it away. It would impossible for me to physically constain him and the only solution would be to left. My husband would succed in keeping him but as he would yelled it would not be a solution for him, us or others parishioners.

Some people include this man say that they succed in keeping their children quiet. But I also see many children who are running. Some more quietly and disciplined than our son, but I never seen someone succeed in keeping an unwilling child on lap.
 
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we always had rooms in the back with see through windows for moms with small children, maybe you can create such a setting for yourself and other moms. The baby is too distracted to be getting anything much out of being at the mass and there will time soon he will sit and partake in the experience but i would say go to mass at one of the many times when someone can watch him so you too can relax at mass.
 
mary77 said:
we always had rooms in the back with see through windows for moms with small children, maybe you can create such a setting for yourself and other moms.
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Real rooms or cartoon room for a “game”?

We don’t have another room in the church except of the entry (and with covid we cannot open and close the door endlessly).

I don’t believe in letting the child with his father during and them at home during mass time.
 
Anicette said:
We will only tolerate it for a short time, maybe with the help of nursing. but after he would debate, yelled, self harm and harm ourselves.
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Being Francophone and reading this I think you are trying to say “'il se débat” in English? The word you’re looking for is “struggle”.
 
If you, his parents, can tolerate controlling him only for a short time, how to you expect your fellow parishioners to tolerate him?

You need to stop letting him be the boss of your family and assert some parental authority on him. Don’t let him intimidate you or your husband. I truly understand it could be a struggle for you and your husband to keep him in one place, but until he learns to behave himself better at church, you and your husband need to keep him more constrained. You son crying or yelling for a while at church while constrained would be probably less of a distraction to others than him yelling and round around the church uncontrolled.

With your son, I understand there are no easy nor simple solutions. What I’m suggesting is to make the best out of a tough situation.

Regardless what you decide to do, your son should always be welcomed at the Mass. I’m just offering advice to help minimize his disruptive behavior.
 
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