Conflict with my father

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I agree completely with Kay Cee and LSK.
On a personal note…
My df has had 3 heart attcks, the last resulting in a triple-bypass 14 years ago. He is over 65 and he is not restricted at all, never really was that I remember either. Was told to do what he can comfortably handle. He builds things, farms acres of land, handman stuff, auto repair, travel, mows entire estates, ect…
All people need to feel needed, wanted, valued, and to contribute to their families.
 
argon091076 said:
My father was exactly 50 years old(going on 51 that same year) when he had surgery. It has been over 7 years now. Healthwise, he has had some pitfalls. He had a bipass inserted a couple of years ago… He has been in the hospital a couple of times and he suffers from shortens of breathe, which he is getting tested on to see why this happens. Lung High Blood Pressure is out of the question since he was tested for that and everything came back good.

About the drinking, I think that it is indeed affecting him in a way that he tries to find other means of happiness, since he gave up drinking and maybe that has him acting that way, too (aside from everything else).

I understand that to him, I am still his little girl even though he does not say it…He did tell me he loved me yesterday when they visited us for a while…of course, I responded with the same …
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Now you are making me feel VERY VERY old. I am 54 and quit drinking 21 years ago. I dont see any problem at all about letting a 57 year old cut your grass-in fact whe he is done with yours send him over to my place!
 
I dont think he is old, not at all. My conclusion to his behavior is just an attitude problem. He has many personality issues.

It is within him that he tries to show one face when in reality he feels otherwise…

Sad for me to say it, but true… 😦
 
Are there any ways you can let him make himself useful that don’t involve strenuous activity? For some people, helping others is the way they make personal connections. It could be that your polite refusal of his assistance out of concern for his health is being interpreted as a personal rejection. Combined with the existing frustration of feeling trapped in a body that no longer functions as well as it used to, I can see how this might lead to some anger issues. Let him feel useful, if you can, and maybe see about some counseling to help him deal with the changes he is experiencing.
 
hi there…

give your dad a couple of days to calm down, and let him phone you. you don’t need to keep calling him. he knows you called, as iam certain your mother would’ve told him as you left a message.

he needs time to calm down, so please, consider it. i know you love him, and he knows you love him, but he needs to be the one to call you, and not the other way around.

i usually call my dad every 2 weeks, as we live far apart, and dad is not a phone person. he prefers to speak in person. so, if i call dad before the 2 weeks, he is pretty grumpy about it at times.

i sometimes wait for a month, then he’ll wonder why i didn’t call him, so he phones me. letting time go by is a good thing, and it can put things into perspective. regarding your hubby, i don’t think your dad hates him. perhaps your dad was offended that after he offered to mow the lawn for you, that he was refused, and despite the fact that he knows about his heart condition, when he was refused, it likely hurt his feelings, and this probably happened before too, and that is why he has these feelings towards your man.

what the both of you can do is not tip toe around him to much, and treat him like he is fragile. your dad was the provider for his family all your life until you left home, and when you refused him, despite having his best intentions at heart, it hurt him.

i can understand that. men like to feel needed and appreciated,especially when they grow older. just remember, he was young and vital once too like you and your hubby, so he only wants to feel loved and important, like he is needed. can you not find another task that you need help with that is not going to strain his heart, and ask him to help you with it?

that would help smooth over alot of his hurt feelings. dad’s are really great people, and sometimes we need to see life through their eyes 🙂 think of it this way, how would you feel if you were not able to help your kids out if you had his condition? wouldn’t it make you feel somewhat inadequate? sure it would! if your kids knew your heart condition, and they tried to coddle you, you’d likely feel irritated.

the best thing to do is to let him calm down, and next time he phones, if you have a chore to do, and it wont tax his heart, invite him over to help you out. make him some supper or lunch, and talk. its always a good thing to do. keep in mind, he is your dad, and he probably feels guilty for cussing, but don’t let that be an issue between you 2. forget it, forgive him, and go on from there.
 
Let your dad cut your grass.

Since I was about 12 my mom has been unstable although she has improved greatly she still has episodes. Because this behavior is so new to you it must be so very hurtful. If you don’t grow up with it it must be shocking and hard to accept.

You have to pick your battles. Is their real harm in letting your dad cut the grass? And you’re going to have to try (as hard as is it) not to take it so personally.

God Bless.
 
LittleRose said:
Are there any ways you can let him make himself useful that don’t involve strenuous activity? For some people, helping others is the way they make personal connections. It could be that your polite refusal of his assistance out of concern for his health is being interpreted as a personal rejection. Combined with the existing frustration of feeling trapped in a body that no longer functions as well as it used to, I can see how this might lead to some anger issues. Let him feel useful, if you can, and maybe see about some counseling to help him deal with the changes he is experiencing.
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Little Rose,

I think you hit it right on the nail. Those are the exact words that describe what is mostly going on.

Thank you!
 
MyPhilomena,

I won’t call him anymore until he calls me back.

I understand that there are many things going on with him right now that have him acting up that way.

When he told me the things he told me over the phone, my mother was next to him trying to make him understand that we were concerned for his health and my mother took it from him, too.

He does not want to talk to my mother, either. My mother is a very vital person and sometimes it seems that he feels jealous over that.

At first I thought that he was having an ego problem. Now I think that it is a combination of many things… :o
 
rayne89,

I am feel much better now and feel that I should not take it personally.

I will allow him later to do something for us. Sometimes he wants to care for our children, too. For example, he wants to take them outside for a walk or just to be outside. My children are both 2 right now and at that age, they don’t see any harm. Anyhow, one time, we allowed my father to take them out for a walk. As they walked outside, we told him to just make sure to grab their hand because we were afraid of the cars passing by so fast. Well, he walked out with the oldest kid and let go of his hand. My kid ran off and my husband was backing off from the drive way. I began scraming to let him know that our child was heading that way. My husband saw me, panicked, and stop the truck abruptly and got off running to grab the kid. I could tell my father became offended. I told him that I loved him but that I cared for the well being of our children and that I was not going to allow for his attitude to prevent me from caring for my children.

He is the type that some danger could be present and this is what he will say “Oh, come on, don’t think something bad will happen…nothing will happen, relax…” Just like that day our kid just ran off even after the fact that we almost begged him to be extra careful…

My dad is a stubborn person aside from all that he is going through. I think that makes it more difficult to deal with all that is happening to him.
 
argon091076 said:
MyPhilomena,

I won’t call him anymore until he calls me back.

I understand that there are many things going on with him right now that have him acting up that way.

When he told me the things he told me over the phone, my mother was next to him trying to make him understand that we were concerned for his health and my mother took it from him, too.

He does not want to talk to my mother, either. My mother is a very vital person and sometimes it seems that he feels jealous over that.

At first I thought that he was having an ego problem. Now I think that it is a combination of many things… :o
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well, pray for your parents. offer it up to Jesus, that is about all you can do. God bless you, and your family 🙂
 
argon091076 said:
rayne89,

I am feel much better now and feel that I should not take it personally.

I will allow him later to do something for us. Sometimes he wants to care for our children, too. For example, he wants to take them outside for a walk or just to be outside. My children are both 2 right now and at that age, they don’t see any harm. Anyhow, one time, we allowed my father to take them out for a walk. As they walked outside, we told him to just make sure to grab their hand because we were afraid of the cars passing by so fast. Well, he walked out with the oldest kid and let go of his hand. My kid ran off and my husband was backing off from the drive way. I began scraming to let him know that our child was heading that way. My husband saw me, panicked, and stop the truck abruptly and got off running to grab the kid. I could tell my father became offended. I told him that I loved him but that I cared for the well being of our children and that I was not going to allow for his attitude to prevent me from caring for my children.

He is the type that some danger could be present and this is what he will say “Oh, come on, don’t think something bad will happen…nothing will happen, relax…” Just like that day our kid just ran off even after the fact that we almost begged him to be extra careful…

My dad is a stubborn person aside from all that he is going through. I think that makes it more difficult to deal with all that is happening to him.
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You have to admit that in the historical sense we are very risk sensitive these days. You can tell him that he is probably right but that you need him to humor you as much as he can…even if nothing happens, it is hard on your heart to think about! Nobody ever said mothers have to be perfectly logical.

Getting parents to lighten up is what grandparents do. They are not supposed to succeed entirely, though. Kids keep life lively, parents keep it disciplined, grandparents keep it in perspective. Those are our functions in life. We balance each other. You let him be the grandpa, but you can still insist on being the mom. You can be stubborn, too.

Your dad is very young to be required to act frail. A man who has become used to defining himself on the basis of what he does would find that very depressing and very frustrating…especially if being active was an emotional outlet and if there is no end in sight to the condition. It is not a surprise that he has come to act like a caged bear. I hope he’ll be able to become more active soon.

Get used to not taking it personally when you are berated or at least unappreciated for doing the most loving yet unwelcome thing you can do, especially for being protective. It will prepare you for when your boys are eight. And teens. And young men. It is part of being a mom.

As for your husband, I think you hit on something with the “daddy’s little girl” thing. Once I was at a wedding and it was noticed that fathers are very often down at the mouth at their daughters’ weddings. We asked a fellow with us, the father of a six-month-old girl, to name someone good enough to marry his daughter. He was allowed to include himself, his immediate relatives…anybody. It took him two weeks to come up with a single name! The only exception seems to be when the SIL is sort of a surrogate son. Otherwise, the job of caring for that most precious little girl is not one that is handed over gladly. Good moms never get over being moms, and good dads never get over being dads.

Hang in there and keep the big picture in mind. Try to love that your dad is still around to exasperate you. After all, this is that wonderful problem you got because your dad’s heart attack was not fatal…the problem of life going on. If it wasn’t this, it would be something. If he were gone, you’d take this little stuff in a heartbeat. Enjoy him as he is, warts and all, while you can.
 
Thank you BLB…

I appreciate your words of wisdom.

They make me feel better. … much better… 🙂
 
argon091076 said:
Thank you BLB…

I appreciate your words of wisdom.

They make me feel better. … much better… 🙂
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I’m very glad. My dad is frail, now, too…truly frail, as he had a serious stroke following bypass surgery. He lost some of his drive with the stroke, but he is still stubborn! He enjoys it very much when he overrules the rest of us.

He’s over 70, though. As stubborn as he is…well, I can imagine what you have to deal with, with your dad so young. My grandfather was a little like that, having had a heart attack that retired him from working in the woods before he was ready. He gave his daughters some days of trial, that is for sure. As I mentioned, there are issues with my mom, too. She does not cope well with enforced incapacity.

Hang in there. Our dear dads and moms are so worth it!
 
ok, I already prayed, I already tried not thinking about it…I feel worst in a different kind of way than 2 days ago when all this began…

I just finished talking to my Mother over the phone and everything she was telling me (keep in mind that she has no one else to talk to) makes me feel like if she lives by herself.

My father insist in not wanting to talk to her. She asks him something like “did you eat already?” and all he answers is “no”.

When she left to work today and yesterday, she told him “ok, i am heading out…” and there was no answer from him.

I don’t understand why he is being like this with my mother. It was not her fault about what happen. It was not no ones fault. It was all an innocent incident. He had no purpose for reacting the way he did and still acting the way he is.

God has given him an opportunity to live life and yet he is living a bitter one. He is only 58 years old…:confused:

What does he want? There are other poor people out there that have less capabilities and are living not a very happy life and yet they try their best to live life to its greates extent…making other people around them happy. I am drenched in tears right now because I do whatever I can. I respect my parents. I love them. I guess you can say that I tried and keep trying to make them proud and yet my father is acting as if I did something horrible… 😦

I hate all of this.

I feel that it is useless to be wasting my energy in feeling sad, however, I can’t help it. 😦

The saddest thing is that they were not like that before. They were very loving with each other. Lots of communication. They had these kinds of incidents before in which he would give the cold shoulder. The cold shoulder is the worst that their arguments would end up at, which I think its pretty bad.

It is making me very upset to write all of this, but I feel like it is never going to end and that it will just get worst.

I don’t want to feel like this because it makes me seem like I am acting like him (with anger). I know I should not have anger, but I just don’t know what to feel, think…etc…
 
Is your mom seeing a counselor? I think they might have some constructive advice for her and be able to explain things to her in a way that would really help her. Even if you had that expertise yourself, you are probably too close to the situation to give it.

Obviously, it would be best if you could get your dad to see a counselor, too, but that will take more doing, won’t it? This is something your mom’s counselor and your dad’s doctor should be involved with. This isn’t one of marriages normal little tiffs that can be cured by confiding in other loved ones until it blows over. She shouldn’t be going it alone.

Encourage her to get the help that you want her to have but are powerless to give her.
 
BLB,

We have never seeked counseling help. I don’t know where one can be reached. Is it at church? or a clinic? I don’t know since I have never experienced talking to one. I remember there being counselors at school, but that is about it.

Please advice.
 
argon091076 said:
LSK,

I would love to try the Jesus Box, however, I feel that if someone accidentally sees what is in it…I will feel embarrases…:confused:
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You can tape the top shut OR you can hide the box in the top or bottom of a closet OR you can rip up the pieces of paper before putting them in OR…you can figure out a way…what is important is the writing and the prayer.
 
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