Conflicted Love Interest

[happyinsf]

Hello -

I’m new to the forum and am not Catholic; however, I am in a spiritual exploration phase right now and am interested in a devout Catholic man so I thought I would seek advice from the Forum.
**
Background**: This man is a close friend from school. We have know each other for a year and dated for 3 months. We ended our romantic relationship because he told me he could not emotionally connect with me. He’d wanted to see “movement” in the relationship, but could not sense any. He’d also said that he wanted to give it more time, but he was afraid he did not deserve me. He prayed about it and had not been given an answer. I was the one who initiated the break up because I felt he was becoming emotionally distant. We remained friends after that.
**
Dilemma:** Recently, we engaged in premarital sex. It was completely unexpected. We have always felt a strong attraction to each other, more than physically. Although he told me he could not connect with me emotionally, we have been close and he cares for me. We are now both ridden with shame and guilt. He especially, as it goes against his faith and beliefs. I, too, was raised to abstain from premarital sex, so this violates my values greatly. However, I love him deeply and want very much to have a committed relationship with him. At one point, he’d felt the same, but something must have changed for him.

My greatest fear is that the shame and guilt will take him away from me even more than he is now. I could accept my shame and guilt because I acted out of genuine feelings of love. I know I should have waited, but it was a moment that neither of us saw coming. It hurts me deeply that he is ashamed of his “weakness” and now wants to be left alone. He’s very confused, but I am not sure what about, and I cannot ask him because he’s requested to be left alone.

Questions: What can I do to rectify this? How do I reach out to him? Could he be forgiven and come to terms with what’s happened? Why would a devout Catholic man with strong values (i.e. even when we were dating, he would feel guilty when we kissed heavily) give into his carnal desires? Why the confusion over losing his virginity? I’m very confused myself. Could we possibly reconnect and have a meaningful relationship? Or does the faith dictate that sinners cannot be together?

Thank you for any advice from anybody who’s been in a similar situation.

 

[Xantippe]

I think you need to tell him that if you can’t be together romantically, you don’t want to spend time with him. And then get really busy. Hanging out together platonically is 1) just going to be a temptation for both of you and 2) is going to hurt you if that’s all he wants. If he decides that he was wrong and you do have a romantic future together, he has your phone number and he can get in touch. Tell him all this (maybe by email so that it can be reread) and then make yourself scarce.

You are head over heels for him and he is meh about you. This can only end with him hurting you in a variety of different humiliating ways. Move on.

 

[McMcMe]

Honestly, it is quite likely that you have short circuited what may or may not have developed into a long-lasting relationship by having sex. In your post you’ve gotten intimacy, love and sex all fused together now but obviously by your account of his lack of feelings for you, he doesn’t sound like he is in the same place. I’d let this one go for now because coming back from such a mismatch so early in a relationship is nearly impossible to do in a healthy way.

Apologize to him for your part in letting things go to far and then resolve to avoid exclusive contact for a least as long as you were dating. I challenge you to reconsider the fact that “it was a moment that neither of us saw coming.” Were you really sitting on a park bench in a crowded park in the sunshine and poof next thing you were having sex? Probably not. This sort of thing usually involves several steps of going beyond what a well formed conscious would allow. Did you go somewhere secluded together? Had you been watching a tv show or movie that was “romantic.” Were you drinking heavily? Were you afraid of “losing” him more than you were of finding your God-given vocation? If so, you had a part to play in creating a near occasion of sin–that turned into sin. Learn from this!

I know this is probably not what you want to hear. I was single for quite some time before finding my husband. I made A LOT of mistakes along the way. The ones I regret the most were trying to force a relationship where there was none because it led me to all sorts of mindsets that led me away from Christ. Pick yourself up, avail yourself of the healing grace of sacramental confession, and amend your life. May God go with you.

 

[Anglewannabe]

We ended our romantic relationship because he told me he could not emotionally connect with me. .

There is no point in analysing that statement. Take it at face value and accept he is not
emotionally as connected to you as he would like to be with a girlfriend and move on.

he was afraid he did not deserve me.

He is either very insecure or very manipulative. Again, don’t analyse, just walk away

. I was the one who initiated the break up because I felt he was becoming emotionally distant. .

Good for you. It is hard to let go of someone you really like but in the long run it is what is best for you. By the way breaking up in the hopes it will give him the shake he needs to come back, is only fooling yourself.

. We remained friends after that. .

Obviously this is not an option, since friends don’t just end up having sex

. we engaged in premarital sex. It was completely unexpected. .

Learn from your mistake, being alone with a man leads to sex so avoid those occasions. By the way, if you repent in your heart, God forgives you. He wants you to repent

. However, I love him deeply and want very much to have a committed relationship with him. At one point, he’d felt the same, but something must have changed for him. .

It hurts when someone falls out of love with us, but it happens. Grieve the loss and move on.

. My greatest fear is that the shame and guilt will take him away from me even more than he is now…

Yes it will. Devout Catholics will do whatever it takes to avoid sin. Sorry to be so blunt.

. I could accept my shame and guilt because I acted out of genuine feelings of love…

Catholics can’t accept shame and guilt by justifying it with their feelings. Catholics just want to do God’s will (ie practicing Catholics, not cafeteria ones)

. He’s very confused, but I am not sure what about, …

My guest is he now realize he will never be able to give his wife the precious gift of his virginity and that is a real big disappointment to him

What can I do to rectify this?

Sadly, the only thing you can do is give him his space

Could he be forgiven and come to terms with what’s happened?

Of course God forgives him. The problem is he can’t forgive himself. That is for him to work out without you.

Why would a devout Catholic man with strong values (i.e. even when we were dating, he would feel guilty when we kissed heavily) give into his carnal desires?

News Flash: Catholics have sexual desires that are as strong as non-Catholics

Why the confusion over losing his virginity?

You are not his wife

I know I have been quite harsh with you. And believe me, deep down I know you have feelings that need to be respected. However, as a Catholic, I strongly wish we could go back to simpler times when sex was for marriage case closed. All these chick flicks where they glamorize being confused over love and needing to search out the true meaning of the man’s motive are really sending out some pretty negative messages about love to society. And I personally think it is time we speak up and put a stop to all of it

 

[libbeylu]

Hello -

I’m new to the forum and am not Catholic; however, I am in a spiritual exploration phase right now and am interested in a devout Catholic man so I thought I would seek advice from the Forum.
**
Background**: This man is a close friend from school. We have know each other for a year and dated for 3 months. We ended our romantic relationship because he told me he could not emotionally connect with me. He’d wanted to see “movement” in the relationship, but could not sense any. He’d also said that he wanted to give it more time, but he was afraid he did not deserve me. He prayed about it and had not been given an answer. I was the one who initiated the break up because I felt he was becoming emotionally distant. We remained friends after that.
**
Dilemma:** Recently, we engaged in premarital sex. It was completely unexpected. We have always felt a strong attraction to each other, more than physically. Although he told me he could not connect with me emotionally, we have been close and he cares for me. We are now both ridden with shame and guilt. He especially, as it goes against his faith and beliefs. I, too, was raised to abstain from premarital sex, so this violates my values greatly. However, I love him deeply and want very much to have a committed relationship with him. At one point, he’d felt the same, but something must have changed for him.

My greatest fear is that the shame and guilt will take him away from me even more than he is now. I could accept my shame and guilt because I acted out of genuine feelings of love. I know I should have waited, but it was a moment that neither of us saw coming. It hurts me deeply that he is ashamed of his “weakness” and now wants to be left alone. He’s very confused, but I am not sure what about, and I cannot ask him because he’s requested to be left alone.

Questions: What can I do to rectify this? How do I reach out to him? Could he be forgiven and come to terms with what’s happened? Why would a devout Catholic man with strong values (i.e. even when we were dating, he would feel guilty when we kissed heavily) give into his carnal desires? Why the confusion over losing his virginity? I’m very confused myself. Could we possibly reconnect and have a meaningful relationship? Or does the faith dictate that sinners cannot be together?

Thank you for any advice from anybody who’s been in a similar situation.

 

[libbeylu]

When he stated he could not feel any connection to you emotionally, that should have been an indication that he was not interested, and you should have let him go. It is difficult to develop feelings for someone without an emotional attachment in the beginning. Pray for guidance and move on.

 

[Blue_Horizon]

happyinsf:

We ended our romantic relationship because he told me he could not emotionally connect with me. He’d wanted to see “movement” in the relationship, but could not sense any.

He’d also said that he wanted to give it more time, but he was afraid he did not deserve me.

I was the one who initiated the break up because I felt he was becoming emotionally distant. We remained friends after that.

We have always felt a strong attraction to each other, more than physically. Although he told me he could not connect with me emotionally, we have been close and he cares for me.

However, I love him deeply and want very much to have a committed relationship with him. At one point, he’d felt the same, but something must have changed for him.

My greatest fear is that the shame and guilt will take him away from me even more than he is now.

I could accept my shame and guilt because I acted out of genuine feelings of love. I know I should have waited…

It was a moment that neither of us saw coming. It hurts me deeply that he is ashamed of his “weakness” and now wants to be left alone.

He’s very confused. He’s requested to be left alone.

Happy, I cannot help but observe that there are numerous contradictions in what you have written above. This suggests you have some way to go before it could be said you are being totally honest with yourself in this matter. Would you agree?

What can I do to rectify this?

Happy this seems a strange question. You are assuming the relationship needs to be restored. Why?

How do I reach out to him?

Hmmmn, same thing. Why do you need to?

Could he be forgiven and come to terms with what’s happened?

Yes he could. But for what purpose… is it only so you can get him back again?

Why would a devout Catholic man with strong values give into his carnal desires?

Hmmmnnn. Didn’t you also give in. It seems you think not!
That means you actually “went along with it” to some degree doesn’t it…
But why, why did your heart deep down want to go along with his weakness.
(Women, usually with less of a sex drive, are expected to reign in the man. Deep down good men want a woman to do just that even if they don’t say it. That is one way they know the woman is good.)
So why did you… I feel this is the key question you need to ask yourself.
I believe the true answer will harmonise with the other questions I have suggested above.

Could we possibly reconnect and have a meaningful relationship?

You cannot answer this until you come to understand yourself much better than you do.
When you do understand yourself better the answer will become clear.

Or does the faith dictate that sinners cannot be together?

This is of no consequence herer Happy.

When you come back to us it would be helpful to know your respective ages.
I’ve asked some hard questions - this is necessary when we want to repent from having done hard things. Take care.

 

[happyinsf]

Yes, I could have stopped the act of sex from happening, but I didn’t. Point taken. I am a transgressor. Point taken. I am repenting. He didn’t want me and he never did. Not emotionally at least. Point taken. And no, I don’t want him back. I just don’t want him to not be able to love who he’s intended to love and to give her his precious gift that I immorally took from him. I hope I never sin again because I could not bear the judgment.

 

[McMcMe]

HappySF, don’t be too on yourself. You are responsible for your part, not his. You will have to live out your consequences and he his. It will get easier if you keep trying and stick close to Christ. PJP used to call this “self mastery.”

Sounds like you are a kind soul and are worried about his future. Just pray for him and all singles. It is very challenging to exist in today’s environment of how love and dating is portrayed (liminy, being swept away with emotions and losing reason) and to live the Church’s teachings about how God intended love, dating and sex to function.

Peace.

 

[Blue_Horizon]

Yes, I could have stopped the act of sex from happening, but I didn’t. Point taken. I am a transgressor.

Hello Happy. No that isn’t really my point. We all transgressors aren’t we, who am I to throw stones. The great thing is that you can say it and mean it. When you can say it with neither anger nor depression you will mean it even more deeply. (I believe that’s where we meet God.)

He didn’t want me and he never did. Not emotionally at least.
And no, I don’t want him back. I just don’t want him to not be able to love who he’s intended to love and to give her his precious gift that I immorally took from him. I hope I never sin again because I could not bear the judgment.

Happy, I, and no doubt others here, are willing to listen if you want to more honestly review this bit which you clearly do not mean as the emotion seems to ring less true than that in your original post.

The only judging here is whether or not you are being honest with yourself.
It is my experience after 55 yrs that we can never be happy until we meet our real selves - warts and all. As the motto over of the Delphic Temple (and many psychiatric wards) puts it “Know Thyself.”