Conflicted on giving help - advice needed

[MercyMia]

I am quite conflicted right now.

There is a family member who needs some corrective dental surgery. My husband and I were willing to and planning to provide some financial help to this person. They have had some illnesses that have made finances a little tough for them. They have also made some comments about struggling with money.

So a few weeks before the surgery was to be done, this person’s husband purchases a brand new motorcyle. 2012 model and the cost was probably around 7-8k. This total would have more than taken care of the cost of the surgery. I was a little dumbfounded.

Should husband and I contribute still? I sort of feel like a fool pitching in when such a purchase has been made as such a delicate time. Also, since this is my husband’s sister, his parents are nudging my husband to pitch in. They are already going to help pay for the surgery, and this was known, I believe, by sister and her husband before the motorcyle was purchased. They don’t seem bothered by the motorcyle, or maybe they are but haven’t said anything. I’ve never brought it up.

I guess I’m just baffled by the purchase at this time. I want to do the charitable thing. I know we are not supposed to weigh the charity we give, and to just give with love, but I can’t help but feel like a fool to give money in this situation. My faith and logic are really having some friction with eachother right now.

 

[Schieffelin]

Hmm…tough call. I think I’d have to know the answer to a few questions before deciding:

1. Are you sure they didn’t have a legitimate reason for buying the motorcycle? For example, if they share one car and the husband really needed another vehicle to get to work (so his wife could have the car) so he settled for a motorcycle as the cheapest option? Make sure you give them the benefit of the doubt and try to find out (in a sensitive way) why they purchased it.
2. Do these people have a history of squandering money or not responding appropriately when someone “bails” them out of trouble? I think with most people who are just outright irresponsible with money (and ungrateful for charity) there is a pretty clear pattern that you can see.
3. Did your husband’s parents have anything to say about the purchase? As a last resort, maybe you could discreetly ask them something like “Oh, I thought so and so were struggling financially to get the procedure done but I’m glad to see they are doing OK now because they got the motorcycle.” It’s going to be hard to say it in a way that doesn’t sound sarcastic–but I’m sure you can do it if you’re careful.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I am quite conflicted right now.

There is a family member who needs some corrective dental surgery. My husband and I were willing to and planning to provide some financial help to this person. They have had some illnesses that have made finances a little tough for them. They have also made some comments about struggling with money.

So a few weeks before the surgery was to be done, this person’s husband purchases a brand new motorcyle. 2012 model and the cost was probably around 7-8k. This total would have more than taken care of the cost of the surgery. I was a little dumbfounded.

Should husband and I contribute still? I sort of feel like a fool pitching in when such a purchase has been made as such a delicate time. Also, since this is my husband’s sister, his parents are nudging my husband to pitch in. They are already going to help pay for the surgery, and this was known, I believe, by sister and her husband before the motorcyle was purchased. They don’t seem bothered by the motorcyle, or maybe they are but haven’t said anything. I’ve never brought it up.

I guess I’m just baffled by the purchase at this time. I want to do the charitable thing. I know we are not supposed to weigh the charity we give, and to just give with love, but I can’t help but feel like a fool to give money in this situation. My faith and logic are really having some friction with eachother right now.

Sounds like you’re getting used. I would say, “Well, someone struggling to survive doesn’t buy a brand new motorcycle, so I would say congratulations on your purchase and good luck with your teeth.” Sounds cold? People using others is even colder.

I know people like this, and they get away with a heck of a lot of just this sort of behavior.

What does your husband have to say? It’s his family, it’s up to him to draw the line. No one can afford to help with expensive dental surgery when other money is being used for frivolous items.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Hmm…tough call. I think I’d have to know the answer to a few questions before deciding:

1. **Are you sure they didn’t have a legitimate reason for buying the motorcycle? For example, if they share one car and the husband really needed another vehicle to get to work (so his wife could have the car) so he settled for a motorcycle as the cheapest option? Make sure you give them the benefit of the doubt and try to find out (in a sensitive way) why they purchased it.
   **
2. Do these people have a history of squandering money or not responding appropriately when someone “bails” them out of trouble? I think with most people who are just outright irresponsible with money (and ungrateful for charity) there is a pretty clear pattern that you can see.
3. Did your husband’s parents have anything to say about the purchase? As a last resort, maybe you could discreetly ask them something like “Oh, I thought so and so were struggling financially to get the procedure done but I’m glad to see they are doing OK now because they got the motorcycle.” It’s going to be hard to say it in a way that doesn’t sound sarcastic–but I’m sure you can do it if you’re careful.

Um…A motorcycle is not a sensible purchase in any way. They are dangerous to drive and cannot be ridden safely in the rain or other weather conditions. You can’t haul passengers, nor even take a load of groceries home. Also, this is a 2012 model, BRAND NEW when supposedly there isn’t money for dental surgery.

 

[MercyMia]

Hmm…tough call. I think I’d have to know the answer to a few questions before deciding:

1. Are you sure they didn’t have a legitimate reason for buying the motorcycle? For example, if they share one car and the husband really needed another vehicle to get to work (so his wife could have the car) so he settled for a motorcycle as the cheapest option? Make sure you give them the benefit of the doubt and try to find out (in a sensitive way) why they purchased it.
2. Do these people have a history of squandering money or not responding appropriately when someone “bails” them out of trouble? I think with most people who are just outright irresponsible with money (and ungrateful for charity) there is a pretty clear pattern that you can see.
3. Did your husband’s parents have anything to say about the purchase? As a last resort, maybe you could discreetly ask them something like “Oh, I thought so and so were struggling financially to get the procedure done but I’m glad to see they are doing OK now because they got the motorcycle.” It’s going to be hard to say it in a way that doesn’t sound sarcastic–but I’m sure you can do it if you’re careful.

1. They already have a car each, which seem to be in good order. At first I thought it might be a move to save on gas. But he did mention not taking on the highway to work since he travels a busy route. Seems like a weekend vehicle.
2. I don’t know much about their history, I mean, I try to just mind my own business. I should point out they never asked us to help. But sharing her woes got her parents feeling they needed to help. We felt it was a good thing to help (before this.)
3. They haven’t said anything about the purchase. Perhaps they feel like it is the husband’s purchase and not hers. I really can only speculate.

 

[MercyMia]

Sounds like you’re getting used. I would say, “Well, someone struggling to survive doesn’t buy a brand new motorcycle, so I would say congratulations on your purchase and good luck with your teeth.” Sounds cold? People using others is even colder.

I know people like this, and they get away with a heck of a lot of just this sort of behavior.

What does your husband have to say? It’s his family, it’s up to him to draw the line. No one can afford to help with expensive dental surgery when other money is being used for frivolous items.

You’re sort of saying what I’m feeling. I keep second-guessing that there MUST be a logical reason. But…ugh.

My husband is put-off as well. He wants to help, of course. Yet, nobody wants to be made a fool of.

I guess I am feeling like I have been given so much grace in my life from God when I did not deserve it, that I don’t feel like I am in a place to withhold help from anyone, even if their choice is stupid. Does that make sense? I guess I need help on working out why I would be justified in not helping, when God has helped me so much in the midst of my own bad decisions.

 

[1ke]

Before contributing, I would suggest my husband talk to his sister one on one and explain that you are being asked to contribute towards dental work by his parents and that in light of their recent motorcycle purchase he would like to understand their financial situation a bit more. Do they need the money for dental work, and if so, why did they make an expensive purchase?

 

[MercyMia]

Before contributing, I would suggest my husband talk to his sister one on one and explain that you are being asked to contribute towards dental work by his parents and that in light of their recent motorcycle purchase he would like to understand their financial situation a bit more. Do they need the money for dental work, and if so, why did they make an expensive purchase?

That is such good advice. I just hate being in the spot to like, evalute helping someone, ya know?

 

[TheRealJuliane]

You’re sort of saying what I’m feeling. I keep second-guessing that there MUST be a logical reason. But…ugh.

My husband is put-off as well. He wants to help, of course. Yet, nobody wants to be made a fool of.

I guess I am feeling like I have been given so much grace in my life from God when I did not deserve it, that I don’t feel like I am in a place to withhold help from anyone, even if their choice is stupid. Does that make sense? I guess I need help on working out why I would be justified in not helping, when God has helped me so much in the midst of my own bad decisions.

This totally makes sense. But would God want you to simply throw away the blessings he has given you, or use them to help others who can then pass along their blessing? I mean, the person has to value what God is giving them before it will make any difference in his/her life. Think of your situation as trying to give money to the prodigal son before he had his pigpen moment. He would have just spent it on more carousing, right? He needed to be driven to his knees and to realize that HE needed his Father more than his Father really needed him (although Our Father does love and want us to repent).

My father "helped’ my sister for 30+ years. What he did was retard her growth as an adult. When she was around 40, he finally said “No more,” only because my stepmother told him it was either that, or they’d have to get a divorce. Best thing that ever happened to my sister. She had to grow up and make it on her own. She is still behind in being an adult, though. It was too late for her to fully catch up. Now she is dependent upon the state government instead of my father.

Long story short, when people are taking others for granted, and expecting financial help while squandering what money they do have, it’s time to back off and let them own the consequences. If your SIL is being abused, then an intervention should be done. I mean, if her husband is spending money they don’t have, and ignoring her health problems, that is abuse, and other help is needed.

 

[MrsFlapjack]

Before contributing, I would suggest my husband talk to his sister one on one and explain that you are being asked to contribute towards dental work by his parents and that in light of their recent motorcycle purchase he would like to understand their financial situation a bit more. Do they need the money for dental work, and if so, why did they make an expensive purchase?

I agree. It is just so foolish of them to make such an expensive purchase for something that they didn’t even need. It would be one thing if they desperately needed cheap transportation, but to buy a new motorcycle just to take a weekend joy ride every now and then! I may sound cold, but they wouldn’t get a dime from me.

 

[Schieffelin]

Um…A motorcycle is not a sensible purchase in any way. They are dangerous to drive and cannot be ridden safely in the rain or other weather conditions. You can’t haul passengers, nor even take a load of groceries home. Also, this is a 2012 model, BRAND NEW when supposedly there isn’t money for dental surgery.

I understand that you do not think it’s a sensible purchase. All I’m saying is that there may be more to their intentions and their reason for buying it than meets the eye. Some people buy motorcycles to get around town if they can’t afford a car. That’s why it’s important to communicate and find things out first hand. Now, I see the OP says they both already have cars so that leads me to believe that they didn’t have a good reason for buying it.

If I were you OP, I’d address it directly but charitably. It’s the only good way to resolve it. I mean, you’re going to have to talk about it eventually. You could just say “forget it, we’re not helping you” but don’t you think an explanation would more helpful to all people involved?

 

[Cristiano]

I think that it would be a very bad idea and higly inappropriate to ask the sister in law for explanations about the bike prchase. She did not ask you guys for help and so it is none of your business to ask her for explanations. However, it is reasonable to bring the topic up when her parents will ask again to support her financially for the procedure. She might simply have a stupid husband and she had no real say in the purchase. Remember that she is yourhusband’s sister and that if you have some “available” money he should feel free to help her, and if you do not have any “available” money then wait for her to ask. Once your SIL asks for money she makes herself aailable to be asked questions regarding her finanes and the purchase of the bike. At that point she still does not owe you an explanation and you still do not owe her any financial support.

 

[mommamia]

I wish someone would pitch in to help pay for my health threatening dental issues, but alas they will be put off until we can come up with the money to fix our electric issues, and siding…so a while.

I’m always bothered by folks who have money for fun, but no money for necessities. Like they know someone will pay for it, so why worry. I would not feel bad saying no at this point.

 

[Catholic1954]

I am quite conflicted right now.

There is a family member who needs some corrective dental surgery. My husband and I were willing to and planning to provide some financial help to this person. They have had some illnesses that have made finances a little tough for them. They have also made some comments about struggling with money.

So a few weeks before the surgery was to be done, this person’s husband purchases a brand new motorcyle. 2012 model and the cost was probably around 7-8k. This total would have more than taken care of the cost of the surgery. I was a little dumbfounded.

Should husband and I contribute still? I sort of feel like a fool pitching in when such a purchase has been made as such a delicate time. Also, since this is my husband’s sister, his parents are nudging my husband to pitch in. They are already going to help pay for the surgery, and this was known, I believe, by sister and her husband before the motorcyle was purchased. They don’t seem bothered by the motorcyle, or maybe they are but haven’t said anything. I’ve never brought it up.

I guess I’m just baffled by the purchase at this time. I want to do the charitable thing. I know we are not supposed to weigh the charity we give, and to just give with love, but I can’t help but feel like a fool to give money in this situation. My faith and logic are really having some friction with eachother right now.

Is this money a gift or is there a plan to pay it back? If it is a gift, then it looks like (maybe not the case) the husband decided, that since he didn’t have to spend any money on his wife’s dental work, he could use it for himself instead. If he is using family members to take responsibilty for his wife’s medical issues, then it is not charity to pitch in and help; it is enabling your brother in law to buy an expensive item instead of providing for his wife. Before handing over any cash, I would definitely be asking some questions.

 

[takers]

According to Dave Ramsey (financial guru) if you plan to give money to family, plan on it being a freely given gift. With that in mind I think you need to decide if you will freely give this gift of money or if you’ll always be thinking of how they used the money (what they spent it on, did it all go towards the surgery, why is s/he buying another toy when they obviously don’t have the money since we had to give them money to help out with the surgery, etc). If you can’t or won’t be able to give the money freely then I would not give it with an explanation that you’re unable to give at this time. No explanation needed as to why you’re unable to give, just that you aren’t.