Conflicted

  • Thread starter Thread starter jenn17655
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
J

jenn17655

Guest
I am living with my boyfriend of 4 years. We have a 2 year old son together. We are both divorced. We were both married to our exes in the church by Catholic priests. He is not willing to go through the annulment process. He feels that he shouldn’t have to pay to be forgiven. I will never receive communion again and I can’t go to confession knowing that I can not be absolved. I also don’t want to walk out and raise my child on my own without his father. I am also not sure how I feel about the annulment process as I don’t agree that my marriage wasn’t valid. It just didn’t work out.
 
I will pray for you and your family. I suggest you talk to a priest and pray hard and often about this before the Blessed Sacrament.
 
I can also suggest the book Annulment: The Wedding That Was by Michael Smith Foster.

He has a rather unique, but completely inaccurate, view of what nullity is. And perhaps you would like to learn more in order to talk to him about it.
 
1ke said:
I can also suggest the book Annulment: The Wedding That Was by Michael Smith Foster.

He has a rather unique, but completely inaccurate, view of what nullity is. And perhaps you would like to learn more in order to talk to him about it.
Click to expand...
Very good advice. There is nothing heroic about treating an invalid marriage that has failed as if it were valid. It causes totally unnecessary suffering.
 
I understand why you are conflicted, especially with a child involved. An annulment isn’t paying to be forgiven. It is where the Church determines whether or not a particular marriage really was a sacrament. There are many reasons why it might not have been. If you haven’t done so, I encourage you to speak to your parish priest about all of this. He will be able to help you to sort through your situtation and determine if it is worthwhile to try for an annulment. It is very complex and not something you can really know on your own. I am praying that the Lord gives you the courage and wisdom to do what is best for your soul. God bless you!
 
If you both got married in the Church previously, your faith must have meant something to you at one time? Do you want to raise your son Catholic? If so, it seems like the first step would be to get yourselves right with God and the Church? If that is something you really want to do, I would hope your boyfriend would go along at the very least, just to make you happy?

My husband went through the annulment process and he felt it was a very healing experience. It made him really reflect on what went wrong the first time. The same might be true for you & your boyfriend.
 
jenn17655 said:
I am living with my boyfriend of 4 years. We have a 2 year old son together. We are both divorced. We were both married to our exes in the church by Catholic priests. He is not willing to go through the annulment process. He feels that he shouldn’t have to pay to be forgiven. I will never receive communion again and I can’t go to confession knowing that I can not be absolved. I also don’t want to walk out and raise my child on my own without his father. I am also not sure how I feel about the annulment process as I don’t agree that my marriage wasn’t valid. It just didn’t work out.
Click to expand...
If this is really bothering you, you might want to try some marriage counseling and get it out into the open. It sounds honestly like it might be more of a topic for you than for your boyfriend. If it’s really bothering you, this might make your boyfriend more willing to see that and work with you to resolve the issues you are facing.
 
jenn17655 said:
I am living with my boyfriend of 4 years. We have a 2 year old son together. We are both divorced. We were both married to our exes in the church by Catholic priests. He is not willing to go through the annulment process. He feels that he shouldn’t have to pay to be forgiven. I will never receive communion again and I can’t go to confession knowing that I can not be absolved. I also don’t want to walk out and raise my child on my own without his father. I am also not sure how I feel about the annulment process as I don’t agree that my marriage wasn’t valid. It just didn’t work out.
Click to expand...
Are you two seeking marriage?
 
Thank you for your responses. I am going to get the book from the library. I have a daughter from my marriage who just did her first penance and will be making her 1st Holy Communion soon and I am so disappointed that I will not be able to receive with her. My boyfriend was baptized Catholic but never received any other sacraments. He doesn’t really care and just lives his life. This part of him does bother me but like I mentioned not enough to break up a stable, otherwise very happy family.
 
jenn17655 said:
Thank you for your responses. I am going to get the book from the library. I have a daughter from my marriage who just did her first penance and will be making her 1st Holy Communion soon and I am so disappointed that I will not be able to receive with her. My boyfriend was baptized Catholic but never received any other sacraments. He doesn’t really care and just lives his life.** This part of him does bother me but like I mentioned not enough to break up a stable, otherwise very happy family./**QUOTE]

I get that. I think reading the book is a good start. You could also talk to a Priest - get his advice - and maybe work on getting your marriage annuled?

Bless your daughter on her First Holy Communion. Such a sweet time in their lives.
Click to expand...
 
And the truth shall set you free!
Its funny in life ive always found that to be so true. I often think that people. myself included, get ourselves into trouble when we dont really understand. And the comments that the annulment process, while challenging, might provide you both with some closure, increased understanding, and release from the past, were very insightful imo. At any rate keep at it. Praying for ya.
 
jenn17655 said:
I am living with my boyfriend of 4 years. We have a 2 year old son together. We are both divorced. We were both married to our exes in the church by Catholic priests. He is not willing to go through the annulment process. He feels that he shouldn’t have to pay to be forgiven. I will never receive communion again and I can’t go to confession knowing that I can not be absolved. I also don’t want to walk out and raise my child on my own without his father. I am also not sure how I feel about the annulment process as I don’t agree that my marriage wasn’t valid. It just didn’t work out.
Click to expand...
Dear Jenn, if your believe your marriage was valid, then according to your belief you are still bound by it and shouldn’t have a live-in boyfriend. There is actually a good chance, statistically, that the marriage is valid, and marriages need to be presumed to be valid in the absence of proof that they are not.

The nullity process causes various feelings but you must realise that how you feel, while not unimportant, can’t be the ultimate argument. You need to find out what’s the right thing to do and do the right thing.

Also, like the other poster said, if your marriage actually were invalid, then there wouldn’t be anything heroical in insisting on seeing it as valid. I would suggest seeing a canon lawyer to find out and your priest could perhaps help you with directions (or the diocese can have the contact information on its website). Lying about the vows (“simulation”) or very serious psychic disturbances affecting the most core things about marriage can be causes of nullity, as can be some kind of malicious fraud concerning such important things.
 
chevalier said:
Dear Jenn, if your believe your marriage was valid, then according to your belief you are still bound by it and shouldn’t have a live-in boyfriend. There is actually a good chance, statistically, that the marriage is valid, and marriages need to be presumed to be valid in the absence of proof that they are not.

The nullity process causes various feelings but you must realise that how you feel, while not unimportant, can’t be the ultimate argument. You need to find out what’s the right thing to do and do the right thing.

Also, like the other poster said, if your marriage actually were invalid, then there wouldn’t be anything heroical in insisting on seeing it as valid. I would suggest seeing a canon lawyer to find out and your priest could perhaps help you with directions (or the diocese can have the contact information on its website). Lying about the vows (“simulation”) or very serious psychic disturbances affecting the most core things about marriage can be causes of nullity, as can be some kind of malicious fraud concerning such important things.
Click to expand...
It sounds like the OP is somewhat aware of all this already, and I don’t think that was the point of the question, anyway. I think she just wanted to find a way to receive Holy Communion with her daughter on her first Communion. Sort of like a family event or something like that, which of course is not a proper use of Holy Communion. She was right in seeing that there is too much going on that’s outside Catholic practice, for that to happen. It sounds like it’s been resolved for now, as far as she is concerned.
 
I agree that your first step should be to have a meeting with your parish priest. It is important for your salvation to get this matter resolved. The best thing you can do for your daughter is to live the Faith you want her to embrace. Otherwise it’s just a series of empty rituals. God Bless.
 
Thank you. I have already met with Father and am setting up another meeting for the 3 of us. My boyfriend says he is now willing to go through the process because he knows what it means to me and I’m hoping he will be even more willing after our meeting with Father. I feel like a total outsider trying to bring up my children in a faith I can’t fully participate in. The sooner I can take care of this the better.
 
Just an update with a bit of good news. Turns out my bf was not married in a Catholic church after all. Happily he will not need an annulment.
 
jenn17655 said:
Just an update with a bit of good news. Turns out my bf was not married in a Catholic church after all. Happily he will not need an annulment.
Click to expand...
Not an annulment, but he will still have to go through a bit of paperwork, filing a lack of form. Tell your priest. I am really glad that your boyfriend is willing to go forward for your sake. It speaks well of him.
 
I suggest you pursue your own annulment whether or not he is inclined to pursue one for himself. Once he seen you are serious, and sees the process is not as bad as he imagines, he may be inspired to work on his.

Yes, he does need one, even if he was truly married outside the church. But the marriage of a Catholic outside of the church is not considered sacramental in the eyes of the church, so getting a declaration of nullity is a quick and relatively painless process.

Now you do have other issues to work on, if his attitude towards church authority on other matters is as rough as on this. Unless that softens you’re going to raise one genuinely confused kid. A good starting point would be to try to get your BF to observe some RCIA sessions.
 
Glad to hear your taking steps in the right direction, hopefully will all work out for you 😃
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top