Conflicts with Extended Family due to Mom

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Hi Everyone,

I’m hoping I can get some advice, prayers, and encouragement…

I am feeling sad and burdened because of conflicts with my extended family. My mom has been sending me text messages ranting about my Dad’s siblings (how they are ungrateful, pretentious, etc… & she would rather not face them).

Early in their marriage, Mom was the breadwinner & Dad’s siblings lived with us successively as they pursued their college degrees & started their work careers. So did Mom’s siblings. As far as I know, they did not contribute to the household expenses.

Fast forward to a few months back. My parents were invited to my cousin’s wedding (after I mentioned to my Aunt & Uncle that they would be in the state around that time of the year). At the last minute, my parents decided not to attend because of an opportunity to speak at a Marriage Renewal. My Mom decided to speak at the Marriage Renewal since they were running for a position in the organization that oversees it & she considers the Marriage Renewal thing their “mission.”

Fast forward to this week, another cousin is scheduled to get married. My parents were again invited. I don’t know how, but word spread that my parents would not attend (even thought they said they would). She said that my Aunt (whose kid got married a few months back) told people that they would not be attending. Anyway… My parents fire off a rather angry email to my Dad’s siblings saying they were offended and would rather not attend if they would be treated that way-- Dad’s siblings have been keeping their distance and unfriending them on Facebook in the past year.

Honestly, I feel as though Mom is partly at fault. I told her to just let things slide. I said it might have been a misunderstanding. I told her, just tell them that they would be attending the wedding this week and leave it at that, go to the wedding and keep the peace. Sigh… But at a family gathering in the home of one of Dad’s siblings, Mom felt that she was ignored since she stood at the glass door and no one opened it for her. It wasn’t until Dad was beside her (after parking the car) that a maid opened the door.

This whole thing weighs heavily on me. Mainly because I have to be on the receiving end of Mom’s rants. And also because I am embarrassed by the whole thing. Although, I interact with my cousins and uncles and aunts as though nothing is wrong and I am oblivious to the drama they have with Mom.

I am at my wit’s end. I wish someone could tell me what I can do. I don’t want to distance myself from my Dad’s side of the family. It was tough being at my cousin’s wedding a few months back and being ask where my parents were. I didn’t know how to tell my relatives that my parents decided to go give a talk at a Marriage Renewal weekend instead of attending the wedding. 🤷

Sorry about the long post.

Prayers and advice are appreciated.

Thanks.
 
Hi Everyone,

I’m hoping I can get some advice, prayers, and encouragement…

I am feeling sad and burdened because of conflicts with my extended family. My mom has been sending me text messages ranting about my Dad’s siblings (how they are ungrateful, pretentious, etc… & she would rather not face them).

Early in their marriage, Mom was the breadwinner & Dad’s siblings lived with us successively as they pursued their college degrees & started their work careers. So did Mom’s siblings. As far as I know, they did not contribute to the household expenses.

Fast forward to a few months back. My parents were invited to my cousin’s wedding (after I mentioned to my Aunt & Uncle that they would be in the state around that time of the year). At the last minute, my parents decided not to attend because of an opportunity to speak at a Marriage Renewal. My Mom decided to speak at the Marriage Renewal since they were running for a position in the organization that oversees it & she considers the Marriage Renewal thing their “mission.”

Fast forward to this week, another cousin is scheduled to get married. My parents were again invited. I don’t know how, but word spread that my parents would not attend (even thought they said they would). She said that my Aunt (whose kid got married a few months back) told people that they would not be attending. Anyway… My parents fire off a rather angry email to my Dad’s siblings saying they were offended and would rather not attend if they would be treated that way-- Dad’s siblings have been keeping their distance and unfriending them on Facebook in the past year.

Honestly, I feel as though Mom is partly at fault. I told her to just let things slide. I said it might have been a misunderstanding. I told her, just tell them that they would be attending the wedding this week and leave it at that, go to the wedding and keep the peace. Sigh… But at a family gathering in the home of one of Dad’s siblings, Mom felt that she was ignored since she stood at the glass door and no one opened it for her. It wasn’t until Dad was beside her (after parking the car) that a maid opened the door.

This whole thing weighs heavily on me. Mainly because I have to be on the receiving end of Mom’s rants. And also because I am embarrassed by the whole thing. Although, I interact with my cousins and uncles and aunts as though nothing is wrong and I am oblivious to the drama they have with Mom.

I am at my wit’s end. I wish someone could tell me what I can do. I don’t want to distance myself from my Dad’s side of the family. It was tough being at my cousin’s wedding a few months back and being ask where my parents were. I didn’t know how to tell my relatives that my parents decided to go give a talk at a Marriage Renewal weekend instead of attending the wedding. 🤷

Sorry about the long post.

Prayers and advice are appreciated.

Thanks.
It doesn’t sound like you have a conflict with your extended family (yet), so just do what you’re doing and keep taking the answers you get at face value. If they ask you where mom is, you can tell them very briefly, without further explanation. If they press for explanation, you might add, “You’ll have to ask mom about that. I don’t know.” Keep it between them and your mom, if at all possible.

By the way, is this out of character for your mom? If it is, there may be some sort of neurological issue going on. I don’t want to worry you unnecessarily, but there’s often a pattern of odd and uncharacteristic behavior just before a person gets a diagnosis of brain tumor or dementia.

Best wishes!
 
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond… Your advice is something I will definitely take.

Xantippe: Sadly, this is not out of character for Mom. 😦 She has a habit of digging up the past and giving a list of the wrong & bad things people do to her. She has done that even with me.

Monicad: Sometimes, it’s a matter of venting. Sometimes, it’s because she wants my loyalty and wants me to be on her side because apparently, Dad “never” is. The sad part is that I have told her several times that these thungs weight heavily on me, whether she is just venting or asking me to take her side. I even told her that my default action is to take her side because that is what Dad adviced me to do so that I can escape her wrath. Part of the problem is that she has this facade of a “wonderful marriage” with Dad and she also does to her close friends what she does to Dad’s siblings (the angry messages/emails when she thinks someone slighted her). So she doesn’t really have any close friends. And Dad is at that point where he wants to keep the peace with everyone else so he ends up seeming like he doesn’t care (as far as Mom is concerned). Thanks for your prayers…
 
I am sorry there is a life situation to cause your mom such anxiety. I would tell her, Mom, I am sorry you are going through this. If you want to go to the wedding, go. If you don’t want to go, then don’t. Just send a gift. —To obsess over wrongs or slights the family has done to her over the years is a waste of energy. It’s over, it’s a non-issue. Just my opinion. Praying for your mom’s peace of mind and heart, and for your patience with her.
 
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