Confront the "other woman"

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MarsupialMama said:
Resurrecting old thread, I know. But the reason why this man cheated has nothing to do with a respect to his Catholic faith. Good grief, Catholics don’t cheat. And for you to use that to justify your own actions…
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I didn’t use it to justify my actions, I never have said that my actions were okay. I do however share my story to maybe help others (which my story has helped others). And yes, Catholics do cheat, they also miss mass on purpose, use artificial birth control, have abortions, idolize money, commit murder, gossip (bear false witness against their neighbor), steal, etc. That doesn’t mean they are right or justified, but all Catholics are sinners. If someone can learn from another’s failures/sins, then that is how God can and does make lemonade out of lemons.
 
gmarie21 said:
Catholics do cheat, they also miss mass on purpose, use artificial birth control, have abortions, idolize money, commit murder, gossip (bear false witness against their neighbor), steal, etc. That doesn’t mean they are right or justified, but all Catholics are sinners.
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I worded it wrong. Practiticing Catholics don’t cheat because the other spouse does not allow them to practice their faith. That is the cop out. The reason why people cheat is simly selfishness. No other reason.
 
masondoggy said:
I don’t quite fall for the “there’s something missing in the marriage” excuse.

Baloney. Excuses…
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I agree. Oh, there is something missing in a cheater’s marriage, all right, but it isn’t something the cheated on spouse can correct/change. The missing something is in the cheater and his/her character and it is the ability to be a good, faithful, honest, selfless, loving spouse.
 
SwizzleStick said:
I agree. Oh, there is something missing in a cheater’s marriage, all right, but it isn’t something the cheated on spouse can correct/change. The missing something is in the cheater and his/her character and it is the ability to be a good, faithful, honest, selfless, loving spouse.
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Exactly!
 
SwizzleStick said:
I agree. Oh, there is something missing in a cheater’s marriage, all right, but it isn’t something the cheated on spouse can correct/change. The missing something is in the cheater and his/her character and it is the ability to be a good, faithful, honest, selfless, loving spouse.
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Bingo. No marriage is perfect. That’s why authentic love is sacrificial and not selfish. The spouse choosing to commit adultery CHOSE it. People have been in rotten miserable marriages, or have gone through very rough patches, and have still remained faithful, thanks be to God.
This doesn’t minimize the responsibility each spouse has to serve the needs of the other.

Blessings.
 
masondoggy said:
I don’t quite fall for the “there’s something missing in the marriage” excuse. Yes, sometimes that is what drives someone to cheat. But I would say most of the time, it’s due to complete selfishness. People these days don’t give a rooty-pooh about the sacredness of marriage and think nothing of straying.
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Also, let’s say there was some sort of “problem” in the marriage. Let’s look at what a marriage is: it is taking two completely different people and having them bring both their opinions,ideas, habits and lifestyles together in one household. There will always be friction and that is where God’s graces come in. Graces and thedecision and choice to commit.You figure out through either charity or counseling or prayer or all the above how to live with this person and love them.

Let’s say the problem was cat allergies or video games or not liking spicy food or whatever. You had something that was annoying and grating. Because of that lame excuse the person cheats.Now there is the pain of adultery to contend with. What is the real problem here? The cheater through their actions has just just told their spouse that no matter what (“in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health”) that they (the cheater) swore to be the one person to love and protect their spouse no matter what; that their spouse never meant diddly squat and they don’t care if they were hurt.

Even if the problem was unresolvable and annulable, you annul the marriage. You don’t cheat.
 
**…the affair wasn’t right but also was a result of something lacking in their marriage that needed to be addressed. I am simply saying that some women and men who are married who are not receiving something that they vitally need from their spouse will look elsewhere to receive what they need. **

Is it the marriage that is lacking, or is it something lacking in the person seeking the affair? My atheistic ex has a huge hole inside of him that only God could fill, because I certainly couldn’t. That level of betrayal is one of the most painful things that a person can go through, because the betraying spouse chose not to voice their unhappiness, but to sneak away.

How is that supposed to fix a marriage or make it better? It doesn’t. It makes things much worse. Go to any infidelity forum and read the stories of pain there. It is heart-wrenching.
 
B]This is all speculation on my part, but I feel if my husband ever cheated on me emotionally it would hurt more than cheating on me sexually.

Of course, there is physical harm from contracting a STD from your physically cheating husband. Usually promiscuous sex is done with other promiscuous people who usually harbor all kinds of lovely, sometimes incurable STDs. From personal experience, I know it could be painful either way. That violation of trust is hard to overcome.

The OP’s friend at least has a remorseful spouse who is willing to work on the marriage. That is a big sign of hope right there, imo. I sure wish my ex had been willing to work on our marriage, but he was completely unrepentant.

There is no point in confronting the other woman, because she doesn’t care. If she cared for the wife, she never would have encouraged the husband to cheat in the first place. I emailed the Other Woman in my ex’s life, and she just mocked me, having only heard his side of our marriage and how I was such a beetch. She didn’t care to hear my side at all. I would say don’t bother.
 
masondoggy said:
Speaking from experience, this won’t rebuild any trust.

Most “other woman” will play along and say anything to keep “their” man. They don’t care.

It may make her feel better to confront this woman, and she has every right to. BTDT and it does help. But still, it won’t rebuild trust.

The only way to rebuild trust is through the long-term actions of the cheating spouse. It can take a long time to come anywhere close to trust again.
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I agree…the other woman owes nothing to the wife. It’s the husband that has broken trust. All this kind of confrontation does is make the wife feel temporarily vindicated.
 
So, yeah, for the sake of your marriage, always be on his side, and always believe in him, even when he’s making it incredibly difficult to do that, because the goal is not to figure out whether he’s guilty or not, but to get him out of the bad situation (if he’s in one) and back into your arms

Hmmm…I tried that. It didn’t work, but backfired. He thought he could have his cake and eat it too. Where is the need for repentance if your spouse is willing to go along, despite all the real evidence standing in the way?
 
Ailina said:
So, yeah, for the sake of your marriage, always be on his side, and always believe in him, even when he’s making it incredibly difficult to do that, because the goal is not to figure out whether he’s guilty or not, but to get him out of the bad situation (if he’s in one) and back into your arms…?
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I am not so sure I agree with this. And why must YOU get him out of a bad situation, when you aren’t the one who put him there?
I know this isn’t your quote Ailina,not sure where it came from tho’…🤷
Kathy
 
cecilia97 said:
I agree…the other woman owes nothing to the wife. It’s the husband that has broken trust. All this kind of confrontation does is make the wife feel temporarily vindicated.
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I’d say the O.W. does owe the wife something…but it probably will never/can never be repaid. Clarifying: if the O.W. knew the man was married and continued “dating” the husband anyway. I know I wouldn’t want to stand before God and have to face up to being party to the destruction of a family.

The O.W. probably thinks the wife is evil, not appreciative of this wonderful man, doesn’t treat him right…or the O.W. just doesn’t care about the wife either way, like she’s nothing more than a glitch that is messing up the system. I dunno. I’ll never figure out why a woman could possibly want a man (looooose translation of that word) like that anyhow.

Ignore the O.W. She probably craves drama so she can get her proof that the wife really is crazy.

-Blessings
 
SarahR said:
I’d say the O.W. does owe the wife something…but it probably will never/can never be repaid. Clarifying: if the O.W. knew the man was married and continued “dating” the husband anyway. I know I wouldn’t want to stand before God and have to face up to being party to the destruction of a family.

The O.W. probably thinks the wife is evil, not appreciative of this wonderful man, doesn’t treat him right…or the O.W. just doesn’t care about the wife either way, like she’s nothing more than a glitch that is messing up the system. I dunno. I’ll never figure out why a woman could possibly want a man (looooose translation of that word) like that anyhow.

Ignore the O.W. She probably craves drama so she can get her proof that the wife really is crazy.

-Blessings
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Well, yes, the OW owes her an apology, but she won’t get one. What I tried very poorly to say is that it’s the husband who made vows to the wife and then broke them. The OW didn’t pledge anything to the wife. And she shouldn’t factor in the rebuilding of the marriage…she’s an outside party that does not belong in the equation under any circumstances.
 
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