Confrontation of your partner about lies

[strngrnrth]

She is a basically honest person, as far as you have seen so far; she let you use the computer and left the writing on desktop; she is known to have memory problems. My guess is that she totally forgot about this relationship, which is in the past anyway.
I suggest letting it go entirely. He’s not in her life, and you have no reason to put him in yours.

 

[hasikelee]

Was she sorting her thoughts out on paper? Such as going over the highlights of her relationship with you? Pointing out goals and issues?

Maybe she needs to put things down on paper to grow. I like to do that myself. If she took no steps to hide it from you, that could be conceived as her wanting you to know every part of her.

I would ask her for more information. Act interested and conversational, not confrontational. Who knows, it might even be a fake man created. Maybe she is just thinking of someone in her mind and trying to see how you fit into the picture.

It’s a little cold-hearted, but taking a step back from the emotions and thinking things through is part of the discernment process.

Anyways, you won’t know until you talk to her about it.

 

[ack]

we’re very close, practically engaged but not officially, she has stated multiple times that what hers is mine and i have stated whats mine is hers…

I’m still wondering how long you’ve been dating this woman. It seems like there’s some relevant information here that you might not have mentioned.

I remember you because of the unique situation you were in. Just four months ago, you mentioned that you had a “fiancee”: forums.catholic-questions.org/showpost.php?p=2892139&postcount=4

Now, it seems like you no longer have a fiancee.

Either you broke off the engagement and went back to dating…or you’ve been dating the current girl for less than 4 months. Either one of these cases complicates your current situation.

(Or maybe “abb” is two people using the same screen name…)

 

[abb]

ack,

This is actually the same girl which I have been dating for a while now, in that other thread I made, I noted her as my fiancee only because we had talked about marriage so much that she practically was. I am getting ready to ask here shortly and this came up, so I made another thread. She’s been egging on about when we are going to get married so I think the time is right. Hope this clarifies things.

 

[ack]

Oh, this makes sense.

Still, you’ve been dating her for less than 8 months right?* (you were posting about dating websites last July, after all.) I keep bringing up the time factor because 8 months isn’t very long to know someone. I’ve had close friends who I knew for years before discovering big things about them.

My point is, don’t feel the need to rush things, just because she wants to get married so soon. I think after another 6 months or so, you’ll know her much better, and you’ll be better equipped to make a lifelong decision about her.

The file on her computer sounds really odd to me – I don’t know why she would do that. It almost sounds like a sign of indecision – maybe she isn’t sure that she wants to marry you? Or she’s trying to decide if she wants to marry you?

I don’t think that her “lying” is the problem. 2 relationships, 3 relationships…what’s the big difference? Why lie about this? The problem is that she’s recently been comparing you with this other guy. This fact, combined with the fact that you two haven’t been dating for very long, would be a “red flag” that would convince me to wait a few months before making a decision.

*I’m assuming that you’re not still dating that Mexican girl…if so, then remembering what you’ve told us about her, things get much more complicated…

ack,

This is actually the same girl which I have been dating for a while now, in that other thread I made, I noted her as my fiancee only because we had talked about marriage so much that she practically was. I am getting ready to ask here shortly and this came up, so I made another thread. She’s been egging on about when we are going to get married so I think the time is right. Hope this clarifies things.

 

[chevalier]

My point is, don’t feel the need to rush things, just because she wants to get married so soon.

I totally agree.

I think after another 6 months or so, you’ll know her much better, and you’ll be better equipped to make a lifelong decision about her.

Indeed.

The file on her computer sounds really odd to me – I don’t know why she would do that. It almost sounds like a sign of indecision – maybe she isn’t sure that she wants to marry you? Or she’s trying to decide if she wants to marry you?

Yup. And in that case one shouldn’t rush. She shouldn’t rush, you (Abb) shouldn’t rush and if the girl seems to be rushing, that’s not a good reason to rush yourself - in fact, it’s a prime reason not to.

I don’t think that her “lying” is the problem. 2 relationships, 3 relationships…what’s the big difference? Why lie about this?

I beg to differ. Any deliberate lie is a problem. Of course, there are bigger faults than a lie and there are excuses for people in tough situations. “Oh no, a lie has happened! Now this relationship cannot exist any more! We have to break up because you have lied!” is a wrong reaction, but certainly I wouldn’t want to marry any time soon after being lied to. My biggest fear would be habitual lying or self-excused lying, as in someone thinking he has the right to lie about some things he wants to keep secret. I wouldn’t like to marry any of the two. The former needs therapy, the latter needs to make a change in approach to life.

The problem is that she’s recently been comparing you with this other guy. This fact, combined with the fact that you two haven’t been dating for very long, would be a “red flag” that would convince me to wait a few months before making a decision.

Aye. I wouldn’t pop up the ring in such circumstances.

 

[ack]

What I meant is, I don’t think the lie was deliberate. There’s no reason to lie about 2 relationships vs 3.

I beg to differ. Any deliberate lie is a problem.

 

[hasikelee]

What I meant is, I don’t think the lie was deliberate. There’s no reason to lie about 2 relationships vs 3.

Now, I don’t think she deliberately did it, either, but there could be all kinds of reasons to lie about 2vs3 relationships.

 

[abb]

*I’m assuming that you’re not still dating that Mexican girl…if so, then remembering what you’ve told us about her, things get much more complicated…

No, I am not dating her any longer, that was a little too involved for me, she didn’t want to put anything into the relationship and we decided we were better off as friends.

Thanks for your reply, ack.

 

[abb]

I’ll be seeing her tomorrow evening and we will have some time to talk about this, I’ll let everyone know how it turns out.

 

[Cadence]

abb

I’m ;suprised nobody else has mentioned this but I think it is a HUGE problem to do the whole “what’s mine is yours and yours is mine” thing before you are actually married. What is yours is NOT hers and vice versa. When you marry you become one flesh and you should not be playing at aspects of that union before the fact. You don’t yet know if this is the girl you will marry - even though you think it might be - and it will make it all the more difficult for you both if you break up. Sex is not the only form of intimacy that is reserved for marriage. Do not go round pretended to be married or engaged in any way until you actually are. Apart from anything else you will leave her bitterly disappointed if you do not marry her because your actions have promised her this already. It is unfair on both of you.

 

[chevalier]

What I meant is, I don’t think the lie was deliberate. There’s no reason to lie about 2 relationships vs 3.

Agreed. I don’t think there was a deliberate lie, either. Even if there was a lie, it wasn’t about the number per se, as much as trying to hide one of the guys. However, the situation is such that I think the inaccuracy of the information, especially if it wasn’t exactly accidental, merits a good conversation.