Confused about Cohabitation

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AGebby

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I converted to the Catholic faith about 2 1/2 years ago. The entire experience has been a never ending journey of learning and revelations about myself and my sinful nature as a human being. This past Lent was my most fruitful one. I made weekly confessions, whole heartedly dedicated myself to prayer and acts of charity, spiritual reading, attending daily mass, etc. I’ve felt great about it, it was the happiest I’ve been, ever.

But, today I am troubled. I listened to a homily online by a priest, the message was of the grave sin committed by couples who are unmarried but living together, even if they don’t commit sins against purity. That is exactly my situation. I’ve lived with my boyfriend for about 2 years. I was absolutely distraught to hear this, seriously thinking I had been in a state of grace while refraining entirely from sins against purity. I am entirely aware that this living situation is frowned upon, but I never thought to consider it as a grave sin in itself. I’m not proud of it, but it’s our current situation and I honestly thought I was doing well, actively refraining from anything sexual or even letting my boyfriend see me in anything immodest around the house for even a second.

Does this mean that I’ve committed a sacrilege by going to mass and receiving communion all of those days, even after my confessions? Do I then need to refrain from receiving communion while living in this state? Does this mean my self-perceived spiritual growth during this Lent and Easter season was flawed all along? Am I then living in mortal sin until we are married? I truly thought I was making great strides… I wanted to go to confession tomorrow but now I guess I shouldn’t since I’ll just be going back home… to my boyfriend and our apartment.

I made a general confession at the beginning of this Lent, as I felt it was necessary due to my past life, and I included that I live with my boyfriend… but the priest did not mention it during my penance or advice. I am so confused and saddened… I have no idea what to do.
 
AGebby said:
I converted to the Catholic faith about 2 1/2 years ago. The entire experience has been a never ending journey of learning and revelations about myself and my sinful nature as a human being. This past Lent was my most fruitful one. I made weekly confessions, whole heartedly dedicated myself to prayer and acts of charity, spiritual reading, attending daily mass, etc. I’ve felt great about it, it was the happiest I’ve been, ever.

But, today I am troubled. I listened to a homily online by a priest, the message was of the grave sin committed by couples who are unmarried but living together, even if they don’t commit sins against purity. That is exactly my situation. I’ve lived with my boyfriend for about 2 years. I was absolutely distraught to hear this, seriously thinking I had been in a state of grace while refraining entirely from sins against purity. I am entirely aware that this living situation is frowned upon, but I never thought to consider it as a grave sin in itself. I’m not proud of it, but it’s our current situation and I honestly thought I was doing well, actively refraining from anything sexual or even letting my boyfriend see me in anything immodest around the house for even a second.

Does this mean that I’ve committed a sacrilege by going to mass and receiving communion all of those days, even after my confessions? Do I then need to refrain from receiving communion while living in this state? Does this mean my self-perceived spiritual growth during this Lent and Easter season was flawed all along? Am I then living in mortal sin until we are married? I truly thought I was making great strides… I wanted to go to confession tomorrow but now I guess I shouldn’t since I’ll just be going back home… to my boyfriend and our apartment.

I made a general confession at the beginning of this Lent, as I felt it was necessary due to my past life, and I included that I live with my boyfriend… but the priest did not mention it during my penance or advice. I am so confused and saddened… I have no idea what to do.
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You were unaware you were committing a sin, so no culpability on your part. Now that you know it, it is up to you to put things wrong, right. Stop receiving communion until you are no longer cohabiting and go to confession and explain your situation. Hope this helps.
catholicmatch.com/institute/2011/04/bishop-sheehan-cohabitating-couples-live-in-mortal-sin/
 
You can’t accidentally commit a mortal sin. In order for a sin to be mortal, you have to know that it is a serious sin ahead of time and freely choose to commit it anyway. You should talk to a priest about your living situation. Generally, the major concern is giving scandal to others. You ARE doing well to resist sins of impurity.
 
AGebby said:
…
But, today I am troubled. I listened to a homily online by a priest, the message was of the grave sin committed by couples who are unmarried but living together, even if they don’t commit sins against purity. That is exactly my situation. I’ve lived with my boyfriend for about 2 years. …
… I truly thought I was making great strides… I wanted to go to confession tomorrow but now I guess I shouldn’t since I’ll just be going back home… to my boyfriend and our apartment.

I made a general confession at the beginning of this Lent, as I felt it was necessary due to my past life, and I included that I live with my boyfriend… but the priest did not mention it during my penance or advice. I am so confused and saddened… I have no idea what to do.
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You have made great strides! You should keep with your plans of going to Confession tomorrow as you’d planned. Discuss the situation with your confessor and ask him your questions. I suspect he will put your mind at ease. It’s not the ideal living situation, but your efforts to live chastely until marriage is to be commended.

I had a conversation once with a good, well respected, conservative priest about something similar to what you describe. His opinion differed somewhat from the priest you heard on the radio. We don’t know full details of your finances, your reason for this living situation, your wedding date and a lot of other things that paint a fuller picture of the situation.

Speak to a priest in person, and best wishes on your upcoming wedding.
 
Let us look at your situation. You are living chastely and thus there is no sin. You dress modestly, thus there is no sin. You are doing your best to ensure your situation is not an occasion for sin in another, by setting clear and agreed ground rules.
It would seem to me that the worst issue might be one of scandal in those all so ready to judge others. Talk to your priest re your situation, financial , wedding plans if any etc as wisely suggested by another previous post. Sin is found in the intent to go against God’s will and is truly grounded in our own conscience guided by the Church. Do you really feel that you are insulting God? Talk it over with your priest and pray for the wisdom of the Holy Spirit in discerning your way to Christ.
 
This is the old “don’t believe everything one hears on the internet” situation. Living in the same house/apartment as boyfriend/girlfriend is always a poor idea, for various reasons, although not necessarily always sinful. As another poster noted, one cannot commit mortal sin without full knowledge. The conversion process can be a difficult journey as we transform our thinking towards God’s standards, rather than the world’s standards. This is not something to be nervous/anxious about, rather a process of learning and growing. Discuss this situation with your pastor.
 
Peace be with you! Go back to confession and tell the priest that you live with your boyfriend, but there is no sex involved, and then do or do not do whatever he tells you, not some priest you listened to on the internet. P.S. If you do decide to marry, the priest may tell one of you to move out until the wedding, so that is something you might want to think about.
 
You are no doubt making great strides in your spiritual life, however most of the time unmarried persons cannot live together even if planning on marrying. You need to do as others have advised and speak with your priest.
 
It is wonderful that you are living chastely and that you are very careful of your modesty.

I think the phrase I’ve heard in similar context is “near occasion to sin”. I guess you could say just putting both of you at unnecessary risk.
 
AGebby said:
I converted to the Catholic faith about 2 1/2 years ago. The entire experience has been a never ending journey of learning and revelations about myself and my sinful nature as a human being. This past Lent was my most fruitful one. I made weekly confessions, whole heartedly dedicated myself to prayer and acts of charity, spiritual reading, attending daily mass, etc. I’ve felt great about it, it was the happiest I’ve been, ever.

But, today I am troubled. I listened to a homily online by a priest, the message was of the grave sin committed by couples who are unmarried but living together, even if they don’t commit sins against purity. That is exactly my situation. I’ve lived with my boyfriend for about 2 years. I was absolutely distraught to hear this, seriously thinking I had been in a state of grace while refraining entirely from sins against purity. I am entirely aware that this living situation is frowned upon, but I never thought to consider it as a grave sin in itself. I’m not proud of it, but it’s our current situation and I honestly thought I was doing well, actively refraining from anything sexual or even letting my boyfriend see me in anything immodest around the house for even a second.

Does this mean that I’ve committed a sacrilege by going to mass and receiving communion all of those days, even after my confessions? Do I then need to refrain from receiving communion while living in this state? Does this mean my self-perceived spiritual growth during this Lent and Easter season was flawed all along? Am I then living in mortal sin until we are married? I truly thought I was making great strides… I wanted to go to confession tomorrow but now I guess I shouldn’t since I’ll just be going back home… to my boyfriend and our apartment.

I made a general confession at the beginning of this Lent, as I felt it was necessary due to my past life, and I included that I live with my boyfriend… but the priest did not mention it during my penance or advice. I am so confused and saddened… I have no idea what to do.
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IDK, in research on the issue of divorce I have seen that if a divorced person (Not annulled) is remarried but stops using the new marriage for it’s sexual purposes than they are allowed to take communion…

So I would question the “sin” of simply living together. Especially if you already were and it would be financially ridiculous to split and later rejoin married. It takes a lot IMO to navigate what is sin vs what some people claim sin is.
 
Something to think about:

My nephew is doing the same thing and my younger kids thought this was an option before marriage in a conversation. Your actions affect others and not everyone thinks you are celibate unless you tell them…
 
mommy_k said:
Something to think about:

My nephew is doing the same thing and my younger kids thought this was an option before marriage in a conversation. Your actions affect others and not everyone thinks you are celibate unless you tell them…
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In relating to informing others like kids… yeah give advice.

But in general what people think you sin is not relevant to whether or not you do. God knows/judges. If people frown upon you perhaps that is a aspect of themselves they need to work on 🙂
 
I think you have to seek the advise of your confessor, or any priest really, rather than people online! FWIW however I do not think you have done anything wrong whatsoever (and even if chaste cohabitation were mortally sinful, you were not until recently aware of it so, I would not worry about that - but it isn’t, so you still shouldn’t worry!).

The only thing is that while you have done amazingly to remain together that time, living together, and not commit impure acts - I think many of us are in awe! 🙂 - there’s not telling if there might not be some great temptation in the future, before marriage, so it is better to think carefully about that.

We also live in a rather sinful and sometimes rather cruel world and unfortunately the modern assumption is that an unmarried couple living together will be sleeping together as well. That is a problem other people have, not you, but you might like to think about how it might come across to others, being a ‘source for scandal’ (despite doing nothing very scandalous!).

God bless you, and he 🙂
 
I would first echo what others have said to the effect that you cannot commit a mortal sin if you did not do it with full knowledge and consent. It is also commendable that you have been living chastely.

However, that said, there are many reasons why you should not live with your boyfriend outside of marriage. I have mentioned this before on another thread, but it’s not just the issue of sex that makes living together before marriage morally questionable. There is something very intimate and special about beginning a life together and sharing a house. It is something that belongs to married couples and is improper for those who are not.

The issue of scandal is also a serious thing to consider. “Scandal” as most of society uses the term usually means a shocking, gossipy situation. However, “scandal” as the Catholic church uses the word means an attitude or behavior that can lead others into sin. Living together with your boyfriend outside of marriage sets a poor example and can give people (especially the young and impressionable) the idea that cohabitating is acceptable and no big deal.

You didn’t know before; but now that you know, start making a plan to move out and live separately until or unless you get married. Your commitment to chaste living can be a great witness!
 
My understanding is that it can be a pastorally “valid” thing to live together under at least four restrictions (and possibly five) which have been determined by a priest:

(1) You’re involved in (or will soon be involved in) the process of marriage preparation;

(2) You’re living as brother and sister;

(3) You’re not causing scandal;

(4) There is a sincere judgment made that, for the couple, living together does not constitute a near occasion of sin insofar as fornication is concerned;

(5) Separating is not possible or extremely difficult. (I’m not so sure about this one.)

I don’t have sources for that information, I’m not an expert, I’m not someone to whom you should pay particular attention. But, through life experience and through what I’ve learned, the above is my opinion.

Now, I would absolutely encourage you to not discuss this further with anyone online, and to not mull this over in your own mind while searching the internet for information. Even if you’re not scrupulous, you’ll get scrupulous.

Instead, go to a good priest and hash this out with him.

Priests can help at least 17,000 times more than we can.

But I do have to say, in love, that your only two real options, as a faithful Catholic, are either to separate living arrangements or to begin marriage prep.
 
EnglishTeacher said:
I would first echo what others have said to the effect that you cannot commit a mortal sin if you did not do it with full knowledge and consent. It is also commendable that you have been living chastely.

However, that said, there are many reasons why you should not live with your boyfriend outside of marriage. I have mentioned this before on another thread, but it’s not just the issue of sex that makes living together before marriage morally questionable. There is something very intimate and special about beginning a life together and sharing a house. It is something that belongs to married couples and is improper for those who are not.

The issue of scandal is also a serious thing to consider. “Scandal” as most of society uses the term usually means a shocking, gossipy situation. However, “scandal” as the Catholic church uses the word means an attitude or behavior that can lead others into sin. Living together with your boyfriend outside of marriage sets a poor example and can give people (especially the young and impressionable) the idea that cohabitating is acceptable and no big deal.

You didn’t know before; but now that you know, start making a plan to move out and live separately until or unless you get married. Your commitment to chaste living can be a great witness!
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I can’t imagine that in the real world, not CA forum world, that two adults living together is a scandal. Is living together against teachings of the Church? Yes, and it’s a private matter between the couple and their confessor. If a couple are adults and have been living together for a long time, will that magic marriage license make their sex lives better?🤷
 
kozlosap said:
I can’t imagine that in the real world, not CA forum world, that two adults living together is a scandal. Is living together against teachings of the Church? Yes, and it’s a private matter between the couple and their confessor. If a couple are adults and have been living together for a long time, will that magic marriage license make their sex lives better?🤷
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It certainly can be a scandal in the sense that the Church uses the term. It is not just a private matter because people know that you are living together. What we say and do affects other people, not just ourselves. But yes, that is something for the OP to discuss with her priest. It is always possible that there are good reasons for it in her particular case.
 
kozlosap said:
I can’t imagine that in the real world, not CA forum world, that two adults living together is a scandal.
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Scandal and shock are not the same thing.

If someone knows that there’s am unmarried, cohabitating couple in their parish, who do whatever they want to sexually, and if no one seems to care enough about them to tell them they’re in mortal sin … well, then their faith in certain doctrines might be undermined.

… and that’s scandal, which is a stumblingblock put before someone’s faith.

How many people think that Catholics are hypocrites about sexual morality? I betchya it’s because they’re taken scandal from someone. 👍
 
AGebby said:
I converted to the Catholic faith about 2 1/2 years ago. The entire experience has been a never ending journey of learning and revelations about myself and my sinful nature as a human being. This past Lent was my most fruitful one. I made weekly confessions, whole heartedly dedicated myself to prayer and acts of charity, spiritual reading, attending daily mass, etc. I’ve felt great about it, it was the happiest I’ve been, ever.

But, today I am troubled. I listened to a homily online by a priest, the message was of the grave sin committed by couples who are unmarried but living together, even if they don’t commit sins against purity. That is exactly my situation. I’ve lived with my boyfriend for about 2 years. I was absolutely distraught to hear this, seriously thinking I had been in a state of grace while refraining entirely from sins against purity. I am entirely aware that this living situation is frowned upon, but I never thought to consider it as a grave sin in itself. I’m not proud of it, but it’s our current situation and I honestly thought I was doing well, actively refraining from anything sexual or even letting my boyfriend see me in anything immodest around the house for even a second.

Does this mean that I’ve committed a sacrilege by going to mass and receiving communion all of those days, even after my confessions? Do I then need to refrain from receiving communion while living in this state? Does this mean my self-perceived spiritual growth during this Lent and Easter season was flawed all along? Am I then living in mortal sin until we are married? I truly thought I was making great strides… I wanted to go to confession tomorrow but now I guess I shouldn’t since I’ll just be going back home… to my boyfriend and our apartment.

I made a general confession at the beginning of this Lent, as I felt it was necessary due to my past life, and I included that I live with my boyfriend… but the priest did not mention it during my penance or advice. I am so confused and saddened… I have no idea what to do.
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If you were genuinely unaware that you were doing any wrong then you are not culpable and therefore are not in a state of mortal sin.
I wouldn’t say that your spiritual growth was fruitless as you’re here asking this question and obviously care that what you are doing might be wrong.

The fact that you are living with your boyfriend though, is a sin of scandal. You would be giving people the impression that you are living together as a married couple and unwittingly promoting the idea that it’s ok to have sex before marriage.

Even if this is not your intention, it’s still the consequence.

God Bless
 
AGebby said:
I converted to the Catholic faith about 2 1/2 years ago. The entire experience has been a never ending journey of learning and revelations about myself and my sinful nature as a human being. This past Lent was my most fruitful one. I made weekly confessions, whole heartedly dedicated myself to prayer and acts of charity, spiritual reading, attending daily mass, etc. I’ve felt great about it, it was the happiest I’ve been, ever.

But, today I am troubled. I listened to a homily online by a priest, the message was of the grave sin committed by couples who are unmarried but living together, even if they don’t commit sins against purity. That is exactly my situation. I’ve lived with my boyfriend for about 2 years. I was absolutely distraught to hear this, seriously thinking I had been in a state of grace while refraining entirely from sins against purity. I am entirely aware that this living situation is frowned upon, but I never thought to consider it as a grave sin in itself. I’m not proud of it, but it’s our current situation and I honestly thought I was doing well, actively refraining from anything sexual or even letting my boyfriend see me in anything immodest around the house for even a second.

Does this mean that I’ve committed a sacrilege by going to mass and receiving communion all of those days, even after my confessions? Do I then need to refrain from receiving communion while living in this state? Does this mean my self-perceived spiritual growth during this Lent and Easter season was flawed all along? Am I then living in mortal sin until we are married? I truly thought I was making great strides… I wanted to go to confession tomorrow but now I guess I shouldn’t since I’ll just be going back home… to my boyfriend and our apartment.

I made a general confession at the beginning of this Lent, as I felt it was necessary due to my past life, and I included that I live with my boyfriend… but the priest did not mention it during my penance or advice. I am so confused and saddened… I have no idea what to do.
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Your living situation was never discussed with a priest while you went through rcia to convert? Talk to your priest.

You said you mentioned that you live with your boyfriend in confession… so did you think it was only a venial sin?

Make a appointment with a priest to talk to him about this. Talk to a priest. You cannot commit mortal sin without knowing it is mortal sin, that is true. Even if you are not living in sin if you are truly living like brother and sister, other things would be good to be addressed and a plan formulated. Why no marriage yet? Is there a plan for marriage in the near future? These are things you need to talk to a priest about.

I am under the impression that as long as you are living like brother and sister, it is not a mortal sin in and of itself to live with someone of the opposite sex that you consider your boyfriend or girlfriend. But every situation is different. And it is generally not considered a good idea.

Consider it spiritual growth that you are concerned about if you are living in sin or not. How many people do not care about living in sin? More than do I am sure. Our God is merciful. Talk to a priest about your situation, ask him the questions. God bless.
 
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