Confused about my marriage

[Still_Hoping]

I am new to this, so please try to be understanding. I am catholic and deeply respect the sacredness of marriage; but for many years, in fact perhaps since the beginning of my marriage, I have often thought of leaving my husband.

Our marriage was not conventional. I dated him for over 5 years. It was on and off. A very tumultous relationship. I was young,happy and innocent, he was older,street smart and experienced. At first this intrigued me. However, signs went up in my head to be weary and keep it really slow. He however, was ready to be serious. He waited for some time but insisted and pursued me. I resorted to giving him a chance and that is when it all started.

To make a long story short, I became pregnant and was not sure of what I was to do. I decided to marry him. We were excited and happy. It didn’t last long. Soon after the marriage we experienced serious problems. His family and mine had a fight and put us in between. He naturally took his side and I was trying to be the voice of reason. He and his family ostracized me; forcing me to take sides. I was not allowed to see my family. I began to rebel. At this he became verbally abusive. When his parents were around they joined in the taunting and insults. Keep in mind, that I am pregnant.

I was distraugt and I wanted to leave him then before our child was born. He threatened me. I was afraid. My family didn’t keep in touch with me because they did not want to interfere. I was alone and distressed. Only my LORD was there for me.

It is now over 10 years later and I always have the thought of leaving him but never had the courage to do so. He refused therapy, counselling and he insisted that I was the problem. He never did anything wrong. Even with witnesses, he insists he never did anything wrong. I learned to protect our children by submitting myself to God and to him. I avoided arguments but it was inevitable. I could not do anything. He left me with ultimatims which I resisted but then accepted because of the threat of losing my children.
He was physically, mentally, and verbally abusive. I began to console myself with learning new religions and studying with them. It was helpful. But it lead me to more confusion. I kept steady in my faith and prayed.

My children saw me suffer, I thought I was protecting them but I fear I made a grave mistake. I got over what he did to me somewhat but I cannot forgive him for doing this in front of our children. I can honestly say that I am so distressed to the point of hating him.

Today he has made progress; but I have not forgotten. Everyday, I wonder when he will just lose it and do it again. He now and then gets really angry and we fight; but I fight right back. I will not even give him an inch. There is a lot of tension because of this.

I don’t know what to do. I tried to forgive and forget but then he does or says something that will bring back those feelings and I become very stressed to the point where I cannot function properly. I take it on my children. I don’t like what I have become. I don’t feel safe anymore. I don’t trust anyone anymore. I don’t enjoy my life.

Please help me. I tried therapy but bringing up the past only gives me nightmares. I want to go forward but I can’t; I feel as long as I am with him I am trapped.

Sorry for the lengthy thread. I had to speak out somewhere.

 

[Trinity117]

I am very sorry to read about your troubled marriage. Please understand that what I am about to say to you is based on my own experiences (I also endured an abusive marriage) but I am merely a layperson. I see you are Catholic . . . not sure if your husband attends church. . . but the obvious place to point you is to a priest.

Sadly, this situation doesn’t have any easy solution. Your husband exhibits some very classic signs of an abuser, such as blaming YOU for the abuse (almost a “you MADE me want to hit you” scenario). It is such a shame that this went on in front of your children, because they learn about relationships from what they see at home and it sounds like this was not a concern on the part of your husband. No matter what, you and your children deserve to feel safe. Apparently you do not, and I understand why. NO ONE deserves abuse, and the mental and emotional abuse will trick you into thinking that this situation is better than something else . . . the threats of losing your children (I am not sure how valid that point is; sounds like more threat) being an example.

You say he is making “progress” but that he refuses therapy. Forgive me for saying so, but I don’t think I’d consider that “progress”. Professional help is needed, IMHO. I know there is way more to this story, and I don’t want to pry into things that are not for public knowledge. But again, your safety and your children’s safety is of the utmost importance. Speak to a priest, call a therapist, get in touch with a shelter or women’s health center. I realize that therapy opens up wounds, but it has to be done or else you will never move on. . . and that trapped feeling will never go away.

I will pray for you and ask the Holy Spirit to guide you to where you can find a solution. Speak to whomever you can - you are not alone, and you have to take that first step. God Bless you.

 

[joandarc2008]

Get therapy - long term - from a Catholic counselor. If he won’t go then go yourself. Get your children into therapy or they will make the same decisions you and he have.

If you are not safe your first responsibility is to the safety of yourself and children. Get your clergy involved immediately.

This was posted on these forums and it made so much sense.

Here it is again.

When I Call For Help

 

[Cicero]

I am new to this, so please try to be understanding. I am catholic and deeply respect the sacredness of marriage; but for many years, in fact perhaps since the beginning of my marriage, I have often thought of leaving my husband.

Our marriage was not conventional. I dated him for over 5 years. It was on and off. A very tumultous relationship. I was young,happy and innocent, he was older,street smart and experienced. At first this intrigued me. However, signs went up in my head to be weary and keep it really slow. He however, was ready to be serious. He waited for some time but insisted and pursued me. I resorted to giving him a chance and that is when it all started.

To make a long story short, I became pregnant and was not sure of what I was to do. I decided to marry him. We were excited and happy. It didn’t last long. Soon after the marriage we experienced serious problems. His family and mine had a fight and put us in between. He naturally took his side and I was trying to be the voice of reason. He and his family ostracized me; forcing me to take sides. I was not allowed to see my family. I began to rebel. At this he became verbally abusive. When his parents were around they joined in the taunting and insults. Keep in mind, that I am pregnant.

I was distraugt and I wanted to leave him then before our child was born. He threatened me. I was afraid. My family didn’t keep in touch with me because they did not want to interfere. I was alone and distressed. Only my LORD was there for me.

It is now over 10 years later and I always have the thought of leaving him but never had the courage to do so. He refused therapy, counselling and he insisted that I was the problem. He never did anything wrong. Even with witnesses, he insists he never did anything wrong. I learned to protect our children by submitting myself to God and to him. I avoided arguments but it was inevitable. I could not do anything. He left me with ultimatims which I resisted but then accepted because of the threat of losing my children.
He was physically, mentally, and verbally abusive. I began to console myself with learning new religions and studying with them. It was helpful. But it lead me to more confusion. I kept steady in my faith and prayed.

My children saw me suffer, I thought I was protecting them but I fear I made a grave mistake. I got over what he did to me somewhat but I cannot forgive him for doing this in front of our children. I can honestly say that I am so distressed to the point of hating him.

Today he has made progress; but I have not forgotten. Everyday, I wonder when he will just lose it and do it again. He now and then gets really angry and we fight; but I fight right back. I will not even give him an inch. There is a lot of tension because of this.

I don’t know what to do. I tried to forgive and forget but then he does or says something that will bring back those feelings and I become very stressed to the point where I cannot function properly. I take it on my children. I don’t like what I have become. I don’t feel safe anymore. I don’t trust anyone anymore. I don’t enjoy my life.

Please help me. I tried therapy but bringing up the past only gives me nightmares. I want to go forward but I can’t; I feel as long as I am with him I am trapped.

Sorry for the lengthy thread. I had to speak out somewhere.

Wow I am truly sorry to hear about these problems. I grew up in a similar household. Your husband needs to understand how much he stands to lose. Abusers are a lot like cheaters. They do mental gymnastics to convince themselves and their victims that it isn’t their fault.

First of all make sure you and your children are somewhere safe. No matter what it takes. Then make it clear to him that you cannot allow yourself or your children to have your lives ruined by his unwillingness to address the problems.

As I said before I came from a similar family. An abusive person can inflict long term emotional damage and you must protect your children.

 

[Still_Hoping]

Wow I am truly sorry to hear about these problems. I grew up in a similar household. Your husband needs to understand how much he stands to lose. Abusers are a lot like cheaters. They do mental gymnastics to convince themselves and their victims that it isn’t their fault.

First of all make sure you and your children are somewhere safe. No matter what it takes. Then make it clear to him that you cannot allow yourself or your children to have your lives ruined by his unwillingness to address the problems.

As I said before I came from a similar family. An abusive person can inflict long term emotional damage and you must protect your children.

I feel concerned at how many people have suffered abuse. However, there is healing in God’s Grace. May He help you Cicero.

It was not so much what I grew up with as with what I had to live through with my husband. He betrayed my trust on the most profound level and since then I have a hard time trusting him. He tries to convince me that it is all in my head. Even though he changed much and controls his anger better, I still have a hard time trusting him. I don’t feel safe no matter what he says or does. My nerves are wrecked and it takes so much to feel secure. How do you continue to live like this? He has made a tremendous effort but it’s too little too late type of situation. I lost a lot of respect and trust though I must say I love him. It’s only fair to say that he has supported me on many occassions. He is not intrinsicately evil by no means, but I have lost so much confidence that I don’t know who to trust anymore. There are so many other factors that contribute to this. I have suffered several traumatic experiences in the last few years and I have ongoing health issues. Sometimes I wonder if all the stress from the early years of our marriage contributed to these ailments?

As for my children, they love their father. He is not abusive to them but what they witness with the occassional fighting between us is not good for them. I try not to to get emotional when I see something wrong but I find it harder and harder to keep silent. This is what causes the problems.

 

[Still_Hoping]

I am very sorry to read about your troubled marriage. Please understand that what I am about to say to you is based on my own experiences (I also endured an abusive marriage) but I am merely a layperson. I see you are Catholic . . . not sure if your husband attends church. . . but the obvious place to point you is to a priest.

Sadly, this situation doesn’t have any easy solution. Your husband exhibits some very classic signs of an abuser, such as blaming YOU for the abuse (almost a “you MADE me want to hit you” scenario). It is such a shame that this went on in front of your children, because they learn about relationships from what they see at home and it sounds like this was not a concern on the part of your husband. No matter what, you and your children deserve to feel safe. Apparently you do not, and I understand why. NO ONE deserves abuse, and the mental and emotional abuse will trick you into thinking that this situation is better than something else . . . the threats of losing your children (I am not sure how valid that point is; sounds like more threat) being an example.

You say he is making “progress” but that he refuses therapy. Forgive me for saying so, but I don’t think I’d consider that “progress”. Professional help is needed, IMHO. I know there is way more to this story, and I don’t want to pry into things that are not for public knowledge. But again, your safety and your children’s safety is of the utmost importance. Speak to a priest, call a therapist, get in touch with a shelter or women’s health center. I realize that therapy opens up wounds, but it has to be done or else you will never move on. . . and that trapped feeling will never go away.

I will pray for you and ask the Holy Spirit to guide you to where you can find a solution. Speak to whomever you can - you are not alone, and you have to take that first step. God Bless you.

Thank you so much. It is obvious that you understand the situation because you have experienced it yourself. If you don’t mind me asking are you still married? You can PM me.

My husband is catholic and attends church regularily. He prays before dinner together. He has made progress because he refrains from being abusive. Now I have become the one who lashes out. I sometimes have the strong urge to purge him from my life thinking it would rid me of these mixed feelings that I struggle with. But is that fair now that he has made a change for the better?

I don’t have good role models. Many stay married and suffer unhappiness. I don’t want to end up like them. I feel isolated and alone. There are some close friends that understand but they say it is something that I have to discern for myself whether I can continue to live with him or not.

I can’t say much more right now, but God bless you for your help. I hope to hear from you.

 

[Tiribulus]

<<< He betrayed my trust on the most profound level and since then I have a hard time trusting him. >>>

You’re talking about physical and emotional abuse?

<<< He tries to convince me that it is all in my head. >>>

This isn’t very encouraging

<<< Even though he changed much and controls his anger better, <<<>>> He has made a tremendous effort >>>

This IS encouraging however.

<<< but it’s too little too late type of situation. >>>

I don’t live there, but I’m inclined to say you may be jumping the gun.

<<< I lost a lot of respect and trust though I must say I love him. It’s only fair to say that he has supported me on many occasions. He is not intrinsically evil by no means, but I have lost so much confidence that I don’t know who to trust anymore. >>>

Like I say, I’m not really in a position to have a solid view of your situation, but it sounds like you at least want to continuing building a future with this man.

There are so many other factors that contribute to this. I have suffered several traumatic experiences in the last few years and I have ongoing health issues. Sometimes I wonder if all the stress from the early years of our marriage contributed to these ailments?

As for my children, they love their father. He is not abusive to them but what they witness with the occasional fighting between us is not good for them. I try not to to get emotional when I see something wrong but I find it harder and harder to keep silent. This is what causes the problems.

There’s not enough detail here to determine anything (I’m not asking), but overall I get the perception that as bad as it’s been you’re not ready to give up despite your specific words appearing to indicate the contrary. Or else, why are you here? If that’s true then you need to be the godliest most respectful and loving wife you can be. It will have a tremendously positive effect on him. (1st Peter 3) I guess what I’m saying is that straddling the fence may be the worst option. I have to think if he’s made this much effort thus far your positive participation could help bring him the rest of the way, but if he doesn’t think his effort will be recognized why would he bother?

I dunno, your situation doesn’t seem fatal to me from the information here.

 

[Trinity117]

I am married with a daughter, but I am NOT married to the abuser any longer. This is my second (and last) husband.

I do understand exactly what it is like to live in your shoes. I will PM later today. God Bless you.

 

[Trinity117]

Still Hoping: I did try to PM you and was unable to get you a message. If you still want to talk, please PM me and I will try to explain my situation better. Perhaps something in my past experience can be of help to you.

God Bless, and I hope to hear from you. Pax.

 

[Still_Hoping]

You’re talking about physical and emotional abuse? This isn’t very encouraging This IS encouraging however. I don’t live there, but I’m inclined to say you may be jumping the gun. Like I say, I’m not really in a position to have a solid view of your situation, but it sounds like you at least want to continuing building a future with this man. There’s not enough detail here to determine anything (I’m not asking), but overall I get the perception that as bad as it’s been you’re not ready to give up despite your specific words appearing to indicate the contrary. Or else, why are you here? If that’s true then you need to be the godliest most respectful and loving wife you can be. It will have a tremendously positive effect on him. (1st Peter 3) I guess what I’m saying is that straddling the fence may be the worst option. I have to think if he’s made this much effort thus far your positive participation could help bring him the rest of the way, but if he doesn’t think his effort will be recognized why would he bother?

I dunno, your situation doesn’t seem fatal to me from the information here.

I don’t know what you mean by fatal. If you mean immediate danger to my body or my children, then the answer is no. But, I noticed that he changes his tune when I become resolute and stand up for zero tolerance on any kind of abuse. He still uses some verbal abuse which I cannot control. Despite our messy early years, he doesn’t refrain from fighting in front of the children. This is the hardest thing that I have to deal with. This is what drives me to hate him. I grew up with parents who could never agree on anything. Despite their love for their children, their marriage messed us up in many ways. No matter what we are survivors and can even maintain a relationship that is respectful for the most part. I don’t want this for my children. I don’t want this for me.

The bottom line is that my husband took advantage of my good nature, I had no one else and believed him because everyone was in awe of him at the beginning. I felt that it was always because of my inexperience that we fought. He always knew better, it seemed. I suffered greatly and don’t know why. If God is using me to bring him closer to holiness than I accept but otherwise what is this suffering for. Besides he thinks he is closer to God than I am, whatever that means. He even belittles my efforts to become holy, by saying that I am boring or exaggerated.

I am unhappy and had a gut feeling that he was not good for me. He said on many occasions that he was the only guy who would put up with me. I believed that too. I never felt worthy and only God makes me feel worthy. Only my Lord can help. But I have been waiting for so long to clear this veil that hides my eyes from the truth. Maybe I am asking too much by coming on this forum. Maybe I just don’t want to feel alone.

My family doesn’t want to hear my problems. Everyone has their own problems to deal with. They love me but only if I am not wearisome to them. Even when I called my sister from the police station to tell her that I was thinking of having him arrested she didn’t want to give any advice for fear of retribution. She is younger than me and I shouldn’t of placed that kind of responsibility on her. I was ashamed of letting others know.

I am alone as I was before I am now. I have many family and friends; and many are having their eyes opened towards the true events in my marriage. But now all they see is a husband who is devoted to me and he is but I fear only because he knows what he has to lose if he pushes a little further. I think with all people who control others is due to their own insecurity.

I want to speak to others who know my pain to not feel so alone and guilty and ashamed.
Can I have a good marriage? If I continue to deny and self sacrifice myself, the answer is sure. I don’t know who I am anymore; all I know is that I don’t want to hurt nor hurt others. I want to trust and move on.

 

[Tiribulus]

I don’t know what you mean by fatal. If you mean immediate danger to my body or my children, then the answer is no. >>>

Actually I meant that it didn’t appear your marriage is beyond hope.

But, I noticed that he changes his tune when I become resolute and stand up for zero tolerance on any kind of abuse. He still uses some verbal abuse which I cannot control. Despite our messy early years, he doesn’t refrain from fighting in front of the children. This is the hardest thing that I have to deal with. This is what drives me to hate him. I grew up with parents who could never agree on anything. Despite their love for their children, their marriage messed us up in many ways. No matter what we are survivors and can even maintain a relationship that is respectful for the most part. I don’t want this for my children. I don’t want this for me.

The bottom line is that my husband took advantage of my good nature, I had no one else and believed him because everyone was in awe of him at the beginning. I felt that it was always because of my inexperience that we fought. He always knew better, it seemed. I suffered greatly and don’t know why. If God is using me to bring him closer to holiness than I accept but otherwise what is this suffering for. Besides he thinks he is closer to God than I am, whatever that means. He even belittles my efforts to become holy, by saying that I am boring or exaggerated.

I am unhappy and had a gut feeling that he was not good for me. He said on many occasions that he was the only guy who would put up with me. I believed that too. I never felt worthy and only God makes me feel worthy. Only my Lord can help. But I have been waiting for so long to clear this veil that hides my eyes from the truth. Maybe I am asking too much by coming on this forum. Maybe I just don’t want to feel alone.

My family doesn’t want to hear my problems. Everyone has their own problems to deal with. They love me but only if I am not wearisome to them. Even when I called my sister from the police station to tell her that I was thinking of having him arrested she didn’t want to give any advice for fear of retribution. She is younger than me and I shouldn’t of placed that kind of responsibility on her. I was ashamed of letting others know.

I am alone as I was before I am now. I have many family and friends; and many are having their eyes opened towards the true events in my marriage. But now all they see is a husband who is devoted to me and he is but I fear only because he knows what he has to lose if he pushes a little further. I think with all people who control others is due to their own insecurity.

I want to speak to others who know my pain to not feel so alone and guilty and ashamed.
Can I have a good marriage? If I continue to deny and self sacrifice myself, the answer is sure. I don’t know who I am anymore; all I know is that I don’t want to hurt nor hurt others. I want to trust and move on.

I have absolutely NO WAY of being sure about anything here as we only have your side and I must be completely honest.

There is no justification ever, for his treating you with contempt or being anything other than loving and edifying to you and his children… period.

With that said what I am about to say is only an impression that I could be utterly mistaken about and please believe that I have no other motivation than being truthful as I see it and helpful.

OK, I’ve got my helmet on. I sense a bit of self righteous, woe is me, expert victimhood in this last post. I’m certain you’re not as abominable as he says, but I can’t shake the notion that you’re not quite as godly as YOU think either. According to the bible you cannot be more submitted or dedicated to Christ than you are to your husband and he cannot love the Lord more than he loves you.

In other words “I’m jist fulla the luvva Jesus, but my husband is a dirtbag” is a lie. Just as him saying he loves God, but treats you like garbage is also a lie. You are commanded to respectfully subject yourself to him in all cases save where it be sin to do so. He is commanded to love you like Christ loves the church and gave himself for her.

I have a feeling that some sanctified counsel would reveal that neither one of you is very close to living the role you were designed for. I know for a fact that if you started not only is your marriage savable, but your best most joyous and God pleasing days are ahead. Then again, I may have no idea what I’m talking about

 

[Still_Hoping]

Actually I meant that it didn’t appear your marriage is beyond hope. I have absolutely NO WAY of being sure about anything here as we only have your side and I must be completely honest.

There is no justification ever, for his treating you with contempt or being anything other than loving and edifying to you and his children… period.

With that said what I am about to say is only an impression that I could be utterly mistaken about and please believe that I have no other motivation than being truthful as I see it and helpful.

OK, I’ve got my helmet on. I sense a bit of self righteous, woe is me, expert victimhood in this last post. I’m certain you’re not as abominable as he says, but I can’t shake the notion that you’re not quite as godly as YOU think either. According to the bible you cannot be more submitted or dedicated to Christ than you are to your husband and he cannot love the Lord more than he loves you.

In other words “I’m jist fulla the luvva Jesus, but my husband is a dirtbag” is a lie. Just as him saying he loves God, but treats you like garbage is also a lie. You are commanded to respectfully subject yourself to him in all cases save where it be sin to do so. He is commanded to love you like Christ loves the church and gave himself for her.

I have a feeling that some sanctified counsel would reveal that neither one of you is very close to living the role you were designed for. I know for a fact that if you started not only is your marriage savable, but your best most joyous and God pleasing days are ahead. Then again, I may have no idea what I’m talking about

Reading your post gave me all sorts of mixed feelings. I thought I made it clear what my feelings were and I tried to present a clear and honest picture of my situation. I neither want to be a victim nor do I think myself as ‘holier than thou’. I know my faults and his. I know his strengths and mine. We are both committed and faithful to our children and family. He has anger issues and so do I. But he betrayed me and my trust. He did the one thing that I vowed never to do. I feel cheated but I have known moments of marital bliss and tried to focus on that, regardless of the abuse. He refuses therapy, but speaking to a priest he has done; however, he graciously leaves out the bits where he physically hurt me and verbally attacked me. It was pointless. It became a battle. I resigned and thought only to forge new roads in our relationship and forget the past. Every now and then when he gets angry I remind him so he will never forget.

I can pretend like nothing happened but what message is that giving to my children. That it is ok to put up with abuse and suffer so you could bring out the better in the other person? I don’t think so.

Life is not straight, I understand, but I need my space to detach and rid myself of all the guilt and blame that was placed upon me.

 

[Trinity117]

OK, I’ve got my helmet on. I sense a bit of self righteous, woe is me, expert victimhood in this last post. I’m certain you’re not as abominable as he says, but I can’t shake the notion that you’re not quite as godly as YOU think either. According to the bible you cannot be more submitted or dedicated to Christ than you are to your husband and he cannot love the Lord more than he loves you.

Self-righteous, woe is me, EXPERT victimhood? Really? Well, in defense of the OP (and having been in a very similar pair of shoes) I must say that living in an angry, abusive, and dysfunctional household makes you an expert in many things. Distrust, anger, self-loathing, fear, depression, isolation. IMHO, I thought the OP has been pretty forthcoming about her own faults, so I don’t think she is trying to be duplicitous. I think we are only hearing some of her story which is certainly her right. She is certainly allowed to share on an open forum only as much as she feels comfortable with.

 

[Tiribulus]

I can only repeat ladies:

There is no justification ever, for his treating you with contempt or being anything other than loving and edifying to you and his children… period.

With that said what I am about to say is only an impression that I could be utterly mistaken about and please believe that I have no other motivation than being truthful as I see it and helpful.

I’m accusing no one of anything. I mean, how could I? Just an impression, about which as I said, I could be very wrong. I do know I’ve been around long enough to have seen that when only hearing one side, things are not always as they appear. From women OR men.

 

[St_Francis]

…I can pretend like nothing happened but what message is that giving to my children. That it is ok to put up with abuse and suffer so you could bring out the better in the other person? I don’t think so.

You said that your husband has made progress, so if you leave him now, what are you teaching your children? That if they are bad and try to improve, there is still no fogiveness? That’s another way of looking at it.

We, here on a message board, cannot really give you advice. First of all, we don’t have enough details, secondly, we only have one side of the story. Your priest has apparently counseled both of you–what does *he *say you should do? The people who really know what is going on are the people you should ask for advice, not your apparently oblivious family, not strangers on a message board. This is your *family *you are talking about tearing apart–you need to have really good reasons for doing so. I am not saying that you don’t, just saying that with a step of that size and nature, you need to get much better advice than you can get here.

Life is not straight, I understand, but I need my space to detach and rid myself of all the guilt and blame that was placed upon me.

It may be that some good counseling would help you. Try to get a counselor who is committed to helping people stay in their marriages; all too many counsel only one of the couple and end up helping him or her to divorce. (BTW, I would recommend cognitive-behavior therapy, it’s quick and makes a lot more sense than most of what’s out there, and if you can’t find a Catholic practitioner of it, it is easily adapted.)

I think you should get some good advice from someone who is close enough to the situation to be able to really help you. You need to decide whether to re-commit yourself to your marriage, to your whole family, or whether what is going on *now *in your marriage which is beyond your control warrants your taking the step of breaking your family, your children’s family, your husband’s family. You may see that what is happening now does not warrant that, but that you still need help getting over the effects of what has happened, that is certainly a valid option.

And while seeing parents fight is not the best thing for children, seeing them grow in response and forgive each other are good things.

 

[Still_Hoping]

You said that your husband has made progress, so if you leave him now, what are you teaching your children? That if they are bad and try to improve, there is still no fogiveness? That’s another way of looking at it.

We, here on a message board, cannot really give you advice. First of all, we don’t have enough details, secondly, we only have one side of the story. Your priest has apparently counseled both of you–what does *he *say you should do? The people who really know what is going on are the people you should ask for advice, not your apparently oblivious family, not strangers on a message board. This is your *family *you are talking about tearing apart–you need to have really good reasons for doing so. I am not saying that you don’t, just saying that with a step of that size and nature, you need to get much better advice than you can get here.

It may be that some good counseling would help you. Try to get a counselor who is committed to helping people stay in their marriages; all too many counsel only one of the couple and end up helping him or her to divorce. (BTW, I would recommend cognitive-behavior therapy, it’s quick and makes a lot more sense than most of what’s out there, and if you can’t find a Catholic practitioner of it, it is easily adapted.)

I think you should get some good advice from someone who is close enough to the situation to be able to really help you. You need to decide whether to re-commit yourself to your marriage, to your whole family, or whether what is going on *now *in your marriage which is beyond your control warrants your taking the step of breaking your family, your children’s family, your husband’s family. You may see that what is happening now does not warrant that, **but that you still need help getting over the effects of what has happened, that is certainly a valid option.

And while seeing parents fight is not the best thing for children, seeing them grow in response and forgive each other are good things**.

The last part makes a lot of sense. You should teach forgiveness especially if there is a willingness in the other person. His willingness to therapy is restricted; so I am alone and must do this alone. Maybe that is a good thing. As you said I need to consult a counsellor, not to rehash the past but to move forward. I just hope I can find a Catholic one. Where the parish priest is concerned, he is never available and is very busy.

I am a very reasonable person but when you hurt me to many times I lose faith and trust. This for me is worse than falling out of love with someone. If I can trust and respect someone I can have a relationship with them, but if I lose that it’s over.

It’s more complicated than it seems, and then again it is as easy as closing my eyes, never turning back and starting over again. The question is ‘how many times’.

I am sorry to cause any confusion; I seem to be going down lately due to some other stresses in our lives. Most of the time I try not to complain but I am tired of feeling sad and hurt and scared. I need to keep busy with constructive things; that usually helps.

God Bless you

 

[gretahope]

The last part makes a lot of sense. You should teach forgiveness especially if there is a willingness in the other person. His willingness to therapy is restricted; so I am alone and must do this alone. Maybe that is a good thing. As you said I need to consult a counsellor, not to rehash the past but to move forward. I just hope I can find a Catholic one. Where the parish priest is concerned, he is never available and is very busy.

I am a very reasonable person but when you hurt me to many times I lose faith and trust. This for me is worse than falling out of love with someone. If I can trust and respect someone I can have a relationship with them, but if I lose that it’s over.

It’s more complicated than it seems, and then again it is as easy as closing my eyes, never turning back and starting over again. The question is ‘how many times’.

I am sorry to cause any confusion; I seem to be going down lately due to some other stresses in our lives. Most of the time I try not to complain but I am tired of feeling sad and hurt and scared. I need to keep busy with constructive things; that usually helps.

God Bless you

Wow, I can really relate to this. I’ve been married 27 yrs, separated twice (not now), 3 children…and because of health issues with all but 1 one us now, unemployment, autism, stress that’s off the charts I was ready to just flee to the hills too many times to count. I have no answers and YET I have to say as I am finally learning the meaning of Taking Care of Myself by being faithful to an Al-Anon group. Both of had addict dads and denying moms. Because of that we lack boundaries…the list goes on…but I would encourage you to attend a meeting until you find one that clicks. It teaching detachment with love, for those of us who can’t seem to trust our gut, for instance. God has very much used this in my life.
You can PM me, if you wish.
God Bless you, sister

 

[Still_Hoping]

Others are singing the praises of Al Anon. Many say it is a spiritual awakening of sorts. When I searched for the nearest center, it stated that it’s members are relatives of alcoholics and how they had to deal with such a person. That is hardly my case. I will try to contact them nonetheless.

Perhaps I should go and volunteer in a women’s shelter. Maybe it can offer some insight and help.

Thanks

 

[Still_Hoping]

I am curious. How many people think that it is alright for anyone to put up with abuse, regardless of severity, frequencey and type; is it ok to put up with someone who sincerely makes you feel sick and awful, scared and trapped; should you always forgive that person because you are married to them and have children?

 

[BlueShadow123]

Alright if he is not willing to get help its time for the next step. the fact that he is dangerous to be around and is endangering your kids physically and mentally, mean its time to leave.
You cannot be with a man like this, and you should not have to be with a man like this.

If you have already tried to talk to him many times, and tried to get counseling, its time to leave. get a divorce, get your kids out of there as soon as possible and move on.
You will get better. you need to reconnect with your family and get your kids involved with them too. Time to leave this man once and for all.