Confused about what priest said at confession

[constantconvert]

Today I went to confession :stretcher:

I confessed that I had told a lie to one of my kids. She wanted to come with me on a field trip with her brother’s class, and I said siblings weren’t allowed. She asked me if I had checked with the school to make sure, and I lied and said I did.

Siblings, in fact, weren’t allowed, but I didn’t check because I knew. I told the priest what I’ve written above, and that I often struggle with these kinds of lies of convenience.

He said that what I was describing was not a sin. These kinds of white lies were simply “social adjustments.”

Now a couple of weeks ago I confessed the same kind of sin to a different priest and he told me that I didn’t want to become known as a liar, and that I should make a correction quickly, within the conversation, and it wouldn’t be too difficult since the lies were small.

You remember that Sesame Street song?

♪♫♪ One of these things is not like the other ♪♫♪
♪♫♪ one of these things just doesn’t belong…♪♫♪

So, is it a sin? What say you peoples?

 

[TheRealJuliane]

It depends. Did you, in fact, check at some point to see whether siblings were allowed on field trips? Not necessarily for this trip, but at some point in the past? If so, you weren’t really lying, IMO. You didn’t specify WHEN you had checked.

It might not be enough to call sin, but IMO, unless you are scrupulous, confession is always a grace.

 

[Kathryn_Ann]

Hi!
Well, it seems as if you had prior experience with this, as you said you already knew it wasn’t allowed. But with children, we do want to set an example. I think this is a good opportunity for all of us to think about how we teach by example, and it obviously still is on your mind. It may not be a sin, but it if bothers any of us when we are, say, misleading or disingenuous at times, itmust be a call to perfection! We can improve the little things, day by day. Heaven:heaven::harp: won’t have even little white lies, so let’s all practice being our best now!
Sounds like you are good at self-reflection and want to do the right thing.
Peace,
Kathryn Ann

 

[constantconvert]

Just to clarify, I’m mainly asking if “white lies” are sins? And no, I’m not talking about telling a Nazi that I’m hiding a Jew in my house. I’m just asking whether harmless lies are really harmless.

 

[HelenRose]

Just to clarify, I’m mainly asking if “white lies” are sins? And no, I’m not talking about telling a Nazi that I’m hiding a Jew in my house. I’m just asking whether harmless lies are really harmless.

It is possible that in time even little white lies can be problems- especially when talking to a child. What may be a small matter to an adult could be a big matter for a child. It would be better to say “no” or “yes” or “I don’t know” or “I will think about it.”

For the majority of well meaning people these little inconsequential sins can become habits. I think of them as my bushel basket full of petty sins. No major sins but a heavy load of petty.

 

[InspiritCarol]

It is possible that in time even little white lies can be problems- especially when talking to a child. What may be a small matter to an adult could be a big matter for a child. It would be better to say “no” or “yes” or “I don’t know” or “I will think about it.”

For the majority of well meaning people these little inconsequential sins can become habits. I think of them as my bushel basket full of petty sins. No major sins but a heavy load of petty.

Agreed, and I would just add that the two responses of the confessors were not contradictory. They were just different cases.

These things are not able to be put into boxes with little nice lables like “white lies”.
Your white lie is not my white lie.

Also, when we do these sorts of things, I find it disheartening that we think our child is stupid enough to not see through us.

Through this kind of action, we are teaching our children to
-ignore their natural discernment and believe a lie (albeit of convenience) instead
-lie themselves (we better hope their definition of white lie falls in with ours)
And instead of just stepping up and taking charge by saying “no means no”, we are taking the easy path of reinventing reality.

I’m glad you brought this up, I’ll try to be more careful in the future (with my own kids). It is, after all what *I *was taught and I have even less faith in my mother than I did back then.

As for you, understand that much of what we hear from the Holy Spirit, is what we are *ready *to hear at the time.

If you told me ten years ago I could never even give the slightest inkling of falsehood or misdirection or it would feel like the worst sin, I would have run screaming.
Now, after tons of work and endless striving, I can envision that as a goal to aim for.

It demonstrates a beautiful and caring heart that you would share this.

Thanks.

 

[fred_conty]

It is possible that in time even little white lies can be problems- especially when talking to a child. What may be a small matter to an adult could be a big matter for a child. It would be better to say “no” or “yes” or “I don’t know” or “I will think about it.”

For the majority of well meaning people these little inconsequential sins can become habits. I think of them as my bushel basket full of petty sins. No major sins but a heavy load of petty.

I learn something every day. Here I thought that all lies were black.

Just a thought.

 

[constantconvert]

Agreed, and I would just add that the two responses of the confessors were not contradictory. They were just different cases.

I’m not sure about that. One declared that this kind of lie was not a sin, while the other indicated, although didn’t state outright, that this kind of lie was a sin.

In fact the priest yesterday gave another example. He said that if someone invites you to go bowling on Thursday and you say “I would love to go Bowling on Thursday, but I have other plans” and you don’t have another plan at all, it’s not a lie, it’s a “social adjustment”

I think for me, personally, I use these kinds of lies to avoid responsibility or to give myself added credibility or to gain someone’s approval. They’re generally rooted in pride (fear of what others think of me) or laziness (not doing what I should have done ) I think for me they are sin. Perhaps because of what the priest yesterday said I don’t need to beat myself up about them, but I do need to make every effort to avoid them, and yes, no matter how much I dread it, i do need to take them to the confessional.

 

[Bookcat]

I and yes, no matter how much I dread it, i do need to take them to the confessional.

I imagine the lies you mention --those that are lies – are venial sins. And while yes we are to avoid venial sins and not lie…one does not “need” to confess them per se. But it can be helpful . The confession of venial sins is recommended.

Yes seek to follow Christ with joy and truth…but also do not “overstress” if one should slip and say small lie…

Make a quick “Jesus I love you” and go on…

 

[mamaslo]

Just to clarify, I’m mainly asking if “white lies” are sins? And no, I’m not talking about telling a Nazi that I’m hiding a Jew in my house. I’m just asking whether harmless lies are really harmless.

I would consider it damage against trust. I have been on the receiving end of lies like these and they add up and open the door for bigger lies to get out of trouble with someone. To make yourself look good.

These kind of lies hurt. I do not consider them “social adjustments” your child deserves an apology.

Thank you for asking.

 

[Publisher]

Since I’m not Catholic, my answer to you can be taken with a grain of salt…but yes…you intentionally meant to deceive you child…what you said you did…you did not…your words should reflect the truth you seek to live…intentionally “telling the truth” in such a way as to decieve others is also lying…it’s not so much what we say…but how and why we say it…if you speak words to misdirect, mislead, or decieve…it is a lie…I don’t know how you could get around it since what you said you did…you did not do.

 

[englishredrose]

hello there
I think the main thing is to try and not think about it too much in this way. By trying to compare what one priest said and what another priest didn’t say is only going to lead you down the road of unhappiness as you try to work it out.

Priests wear a uniform so we don’t kind of know them individually but the reality is each one is going to be quite different in their approach to situations. It don’t mean one is wrong and the other is right. It just means that they have different understanding to the whole situation. The one priest might regulary tell his confessors it not really a sin because… where as the other priest just accepts what he is being told is a sin even if he don’t think so. He may find it hard to work it all out and don’t want to question the confessor to do so in case it upsets them.

The priest we have now, he been the first one to ever tell me it not really a sin. The second confession I was sort of aware it wasn’t the right place but wanted that approach so was kind of ready for him a bit when he said he wasn’t sure how this is a sin. I was able to say back, I know how it happend and he accepted it enough. Last time I wasn’t prepared but he was kindly saying it not really sin because-and he wasn’t asking me, but telling me… he knew the bigger picture than I did for that issue. May be that his style. As its only times Ive heard it.

But it be confusing and wrong for me to really pull apart how come other priests haven’t said etc. It not helpful too in reality. Though I know what you are trying to do. You are trying to understand to do better the next time in this situation? I think that you just got to go with it and not to try and compare the two. You know in your own heart that the answer would have been ‘no’. If you wanted to put it right with your child you could own up that you didn’t ring the school because the answer be the same. Would that help you feel better? Would it help you feel better when the child doesn’t understand or want to understand. Next time don’t promise to ‘ring the school’ or explain to the child you would but it will still be the same answer etc? If you are trying to learn from the situation.

Peace be with you

 

[mfrances]

Hi, I think this type of lie can be considered venial. Sometimes parents say something to get their kids to calm down or not feel hurt. It happens. I believe that as long as it’s not a serious lie, God understands.

That being said, I think kids benefit and even appriciate your honesty. I would tell the child “No dear, you need to be in your classroom on that day or else you might miss out on what your class is doing! When your class has a field trip you get to go.”

 

[White_Peony]

Yeah, you lied, but it was a venial sin.

Strange priest.

 

[anp1215]

There are many white lies that are definitely not sins. When I eat at my mother in law’s house I always mention that everything was great even if I didn’t like the food.

 

[LilyM]

I’m not sure about that. One declared that this kind of lie was not a sin, while the other indicated, although didn’t state outright, that this kind of lie was a sin.

In fact the priest yesterday gave another example. He said that if someone invites you to go bowling on Thursday and you say “I would love to go Bowling on Thursday, but I have other plans” and you don’t have another plan at all, it’s not a lie, it’s a “social adjustment”

I think for me, personally, I use these kinds of lies to avoid responsibility or to give myself added credibility or to gain someone’s approval. They’re generally rooted in pride (fear of what others think of me) or laziness (not doing what I should have done ) I think for me they are sin. Perhaps because of what the priest yesterday said I don’t need to beat myself up about them, but I do need to make every effort to avoid them, and yes, no matter how much I dread it, i do need to take them to the confessional.

Saying ‘I can’t go bowling because I have other plans’ isn’t a lie at all. Even if your other plans involve nothing more sociable than staying home, they are nonetheless plans that you have for your time.

The catechism states that the gravity of a lie depends on various factors, including the nature/importance of the truth that is distorted, and whether the other person has some sort of right to the information you are withholding.

While I wouldn’t go so far as to say that ‘white lies’ are never sinful, lies along the lines of
telling your friend that no her bum doesn’t look big in those jeans, or that no, no-one is organizing a surprise party for her birthday, hardly fall into the category of mortal sin.

Unless, say, you knew she was going out looking SO awful that folks would make lots of fun of her, or she was in agony thInking her husband was cheating because he was sneaking around planning the surprise party for her, or something.

Not to mention other factors - if someone is being totally pushy and demanding particular information (think Nazis demanding to know if you are hiding Jews) then that duress possibly lessens your responsibility for any lie that you tell them to

 

[LilyM]

There are many white lies that are definitely not sins. When I eat at my mother in law’s house I always mention that everything was great even if I didn’t like the food.

There’s social adjustment and there’s making a rod for your own back.

If something she cooked was really not to your taste you can maybe put it in a non-hurtful way ‘my taste buds must be used to saltier/sweeter/spicier food than yours’ or something.

Otherwise you’ll have a lifetime of eating stuff you don’t like to look forward to.

 

[constantconvert]

While I wouldn’t go so far as to say that ‘white lies’ are never sinful, lies along the lines of
telling your friend that no her bum doesn’t look big in those jeans, or that no, no-one is organizing a surprise party for her birthday, hardly fall into the category of mortal sin.

None of the lies I tell are mortal sins, but they are venial sins. I’m not telling them for just reasons-- like the person hiding a Jew from the Nazis, I’m not telling them to be polite, I’m just telling them to save face in some way. We should avoid venial sin too, yes?

 

[anp1215]

There’s social adjustment and there’s making a rod for your own back.

If something she cooked was really not to your taste you can maybe put it in a non-hurtful way ‘my taste buds must be used to saltier/sweeter/spicier food than yours’ or something.

Otherwise you’ll have a lifetime of eating stuff you don’t like to look forward to.

I don’t know, to me that sounds really rude. The food doesn’t bother me that much.