Confused and devastated

  • Thread starter Thread starter Cradle
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
If I met him today… No, as a Catholic I wouldn’t. But for a non-Catholic he would be a good husband and a good father. He is a good person but for this.

And we have dumped each other already. I had thought single life was my vocation until I met him and now I am back from that ‘excursion’ with a broken heart, no friends (not his fault, just coincidental that they all moved away in the last while), and a lot of wasted years and efforts. I am OK with being the spinster aunt/daughter/sister but I will probably cry myself to sleep every now and then when it all comes back.

edit: ‘You should have ended any thought of marriage then.’ Yes. Yes I wish I had.
 
Don’t you think it will be difficult to raise kids with someone who does not share your views on morality? I think you are in for a lifetime of battles with this guy. You deserve someone who fully shares your beautiful Catholic faith.
 
This breakup is in your best interest. You can’t marry a man who you have to haul around spiritually every day. Eventually you need to have a husband that can support you spiritually when you have doubts. This guy is not able to do that and you would be the perpetual “bad guy”.
 
MikkiD said:
Don’t you think it will be difficult to raise kids with someone who does not share your views on morality? I think you are in for a lifetime of battles with this guy. You deserve someone who fully shares your beautiful Catholic faith.
Click to expand...
Yes this is a very real point, and the reason we mutually broke up despite his being the initiator. 😦
 
Here are some ideas you’ve probably thought of, but are worth mentioning anyway:
  1. Work on your career. If you meet the right guy, wouldn’t it be nice not to have money problems standing between you?
  2. Pay off any debts you might have. Same idea–if you meet the right guy, what a nice gift to him it would be for you to be in good financial shape.
  3. Take a class or two.
  4. Volunteer (or volunteer more).
  5. Think about travel. There’s a paradox that when you’re young, you have time but no money, and when you’re older, you have money but no time. Think about some place you’ve always dreamed of going, and start putting away a little money every month to go there. (I REALLY wish I’d gone to Paris when I was your age. I know I have a good chance of getting there eventually, but it’s going to take a while.)
  6. Consider relocating. I know BC can be a pain for young people–it’s so expensive, and the salaries don’t really justify it. It’s awful for young families. You are just the right age to make a major change.
  7. Try messaging some of the more promising Catholic Answers bachelors.
  8. Consider whether you may have a vocation and visit some of the more promising local convents.
 
Prior to thinking my vocation was single life I had considered religious life for about three years and learned that was not to be. I went on a few discernment retreats and had spiritual direction from Benedictines and a little bit from Dominicans. That was my first try, then single, and then married vocations got ticked off the list. Back to single apparently.

As for the other things, it would be a huge waste of money that I don’t have to leave my family and move somewhere else. As it is I am barely making it with the huge student loans and other debts I am slooooooowly paying off. As for travel I am going away for a friend’s wedding (one of the friends who has moved away) and barely scraping enough to cover it. Courses? I had looked up some night/weekend courses on editing and related stuff, then came back to reality when I saw my bank account.

It looks pretty bleak but I’ll just have to make do. That’s why we had given it a couple of years because that’s how long it would take to get back to $0.

edit: and I already volunteer twice a week at my parish, don’t have time for any more, with a full-time job and no driver’s license.

Anyway everyone thanks for reading, listening, and giving me your thoughts. Please pray for me because there are a lot of tears to come.
 
I feel like I have had six years of my life stolen from me 😦 And how do you invest nearly all of you into someone for so long and then boom, there’s just nothing? :’( Also I have to admit I’m really disappointed in the human side of our Church because they have not been there for me at all. A bit angry really.
Click to expand...
Better “wasting” 6 years that 16, and having to deal with divorce, annulment, etc.

Plus you’ve learned a valuable lesson. I’d place a bet that you’re not going to waste 6 years of your life for no good reason on someone else. We all live and learn.
 
I will point you to this, your own choice: “Nothing can come but what God wills. And I am very sure that whatever that be, however bad it may seem, it shall indeed be the best.” -St. Thomas More

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jer 29:11
 
Cradle said:
Won’t waste any more years of my life on anyone else at all :mad:
Click to expand...
I know it feels like that now. And it will for a while. But trust in God. He knows what’s best for you and has ordered your steps. Something like this happened to me (with a guy for five years), and I know I was so shattered then – but if only I could’ve seen then what I’m blessed with today! God has something planned for you that you can’t even imagine yet! If you’re called to marriage, He will heal your heart and bring you to the right place in your life and the right person. Just pray that whatever your vocation is, He will heal you and prepare you and guide you.
 
I don’t date unless it’s for serious marriage-bound relationships. Learned my lesson that what looks like marriage material most likely isn’t. So no.

And Viki, thank you for throwing that back at me! Sometimes we just completely glaze over our own signatures and forget the little nuggets we left there long ago 🙂

Sarah, just saw your post. You are right of course. Thanks for that.
 
Cradle said:
I don’t date unless it’s for serious marriage-bound relationships. Learned my lesson that what looks like marriage material most likely isn’t. So no.
Click to expand...
Oh… That former boyfriend of yours, burning all our bridges :mad:
 
“As for the other things, it would be a huge waste of money that I don’t have to leave my family and move somewhere else. As it is I am barely making it with the huge student loans and other debts I am slooooooowly paying off.”

If you found a job in an area with a lower cost of living, you could find yourself moving forward much more quickly with debt repayment.

“As for travel I am going away for a friend’s wedding (one of the friends who has moved away) and barely scraping enough to cover it.”

Any travel counts–just to be somewhere new and see new things and new people, even if it’s just a day trip.

“Courses? I had looked up some night/weekend courses on editing and related stuff, then came back to reality when I saw my bank account.”

Anything would be good.

“It looks pretty bleak but I’ll just have to make do. That’s why we had given it a couple of years because that’s how long it would take to get back to $0.”

A couple of years is not too bad.

“edit: and I already volunteer twice a week at my parish, don’t have time for any more, with a full-time job and no driver’s license.”

A driver’s license would be an excellent short term goal. It would give you a lot more options. (I got mine around 33–should have done it earlier.)

Make some changes in your life that are reasonable and that you can afford, because otherwise you’ll be leaving a huge boyfriend-shaped hole in your life. Fill it up, quick!
 
Hi Cradle,

Sorry to learn of your heartbreak. It is indeed very difficult, made worse by the fact that this is your first relationship. You should not have to compromise on your moral issues.

I suggest you read a book “How To Find Your Soulmate Without Losing Your Soul” by Jason and Crystalina Evert. It has good relationship advice for young ladies.

I will pray for you.
 
Cradle said:
I don’t date unless it’s for serious marriage-bound relationships. Learned my lesson that what looks like marriage material most likely isn’t. So no.
Click to expand...
Don’t close your heart to God, and where his will may lie for you, including marriage.

I think when the smoke clears you are going to be able to look back and see clearly that he was not marriage material from the beginning. You could not see it while in it. But, now you will hopefully be wiser in the future.
 
*Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling with the mistaken belief that you can not bear the pain. But you have already borne the pain. What you have not done is feel all you are beyond that pain.

Khalil Gibran*
 
Cradle said:
Won’t waste any more years of my life on anyone else at all :mad:
Click to expand...
Is that because you feel you are called to the single life, or because you are allowing someone else’s bad behavior influence your decisions?
 
You don’t want a husband like your boyfriend. Someone will, but you don’t. Why on earth would you marry him?

Skip the “starter marriage” that is going to end in either divorce or misery. As I told my younger relatives: Even if you divorce a bad spouse, an ex is forever. Even if you get an annulment, you still have that first attempt at marriage to regret. You have this guy out there who is “my ex” and his family, who becomes “my ex’s family.” That is their role in your life forever. It is hard enough to make a marriage work when the faults don’t seem like much. Beware when the faults look like a life of living H%$& on a bun before you even get started!!

Don’t get into a marriage where “compromises” are on matters of faith and morals, not zip code or paint colors. Don’t get into a marriage when you feel so strongly that it is a mistake. It probably is! And you might ask us all: What is worse than being single for life? Being in a failed marriage, getting a divorce, and then being single ever after that, that’s what! (You don’t think that failed marriage, with the time it takes and the emotional scarring it puts onto you will make it *easier *to find the right man, do you? 🤷)

Do not, do not get into a marriage when you can reasonably expect you’ll be saying to yourself afterwards: What Was I THINKING!?!
 
Cradle said:
Won’t waste any more years of my life on anyone else at all :mad:
Click to expand...
Oh, no, don’t look at the time as wasted. You’ve stuck by your guns and you tried. You learned some things. Presumably you learned some of the good things you want in a spouse, too, right?

No, wandering around in the desert is not a waste of time. Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t even beat up on this fellow. Wish him well, wish him to find someone who is right for him. Maybe he’ll meet someone who is right where he is, and the two of them will convert more strongly back to the faith. That is a good thing to hope for.

I say this having spent many years with a fellow and then breaking off an engagement with him. Would I have done things differently, knowing then what I knew later? Well, of course, but that is just the thing: I didn’t get it until I learned that particular way. The main thing is that I learned, and that I dodged a bullet in the process. It could have been so much worse. Besides, I learned some things I would not have learned if I’d been a more apt pupil on other lessons. Take the education you get, I figure.

I have had friends hold out for the right fellow who have married as late as 42. Not a one of them would have chosen a failed marriage to add into their years of waiting for their right spouse. I also know many who regret jumping in out of fear that they’d never marry if they didn’t marry someone who they knew deep down was not suitable for marriage. Congratulate yourself for insisting on your integrity, even in the face of tremendous pressure to let go of it. You’ll never regret that, and should you marry your spouse will certainly be thankful for it!

Those who have been through a divorce will tell you this: It is bad enough to have to go through a divorce that no one saw coming, to have exercised diligence and to still have made a decision that turned out to have had unforeseen flaws. It is far worse to get smacked by a decision that you always knew you shouldn’t have made in the first place. Marry when you think it is right, even though you’ll never have guarantees, but don’t use the fact that no one gets guarantees to place what simple reason can tell you is a bad bet. “Trust in God, but row away from the rocks.”
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top