Confused by love

[isolde]

Hi there! I guess I’ll go straight to it. I’m having a problem lately, even though I’m usually against work dating (for it’s implied complications) I’ve met a man I think could be “the one”. We’ve been learning a lot from each other and we’re both very aware of what we want in life. Both of us are looking for marriage and starting a family. We’ve been very straightforward and I can honestly say I’ve never felt so comfortable with a man before, I cannot stop thinking about him and he feels the same way. We both believe we might be the one for each other.

My problem is, he has a girlfriend with whom he lives with (I know it’s living in sin, and even though I don’t believe in living together before marriage I respect others who choose to). We’ve done nothing but talk and get to know each other but I feel so terribly guilty for being in his mind day and night. I feel like I’m sinning and separating this couple, even though I really try not to. It’s obvious we’re falling in love with the way we look at each other and know what the other is thinking without the need to say it. I’ve never wanted to break up something because I believe that if I do not only is it wrong but it will turn back and happen to me as well.

Like I said, we’ve done nothing but talk, and right now this man is very confused as to what he wants, main reason as to why he hasn’t left her yet. If he does, would it be wrong for us to be together, are we sinning now? I’d appreciate any help for I am seriously lost.

Thank you.

 

[carinapir]

I don’t know if you’re sinning or not but it shouldn’t matter. Most people, religious or not, would say that it is wrong to be too friendly with someone who is involved with someone else. If possible, I feel that you should pull back and try to treat him like any other male work friend. You can tell him, in your own words, that he needs to decide what he wants between himself and his current girlfriend before he can get into a deeper relationship with anyone else. His relationship with her might be over emotionally already, but he needs to make a decision. It’s not fair to you or to his girlfriend for him to be in between.

I know that it doesn’t seem that simple but it really is. For you anyway. For him, it’s harder.

 

[1ke]

Hi there! I guess I’ll go straight to it. I’m having a problem lately, even though I’m usually against work dating (for it’s implied complications) I’ve met a man I think could be “the one”. We’ve been learning a lot from each other and we’re both very aware of what we want in life. Both of us are looking for marriage and starting a family. We’ve been very straightforward and I can honestly say I’ve never felt so comfortable with a man before, I cannot stop thinking about him and he feels the same way. We both believe we might be the one for each other.

This sounds to me like infatuation, not love.

My problem is, he has a girlfriend with whom he lives with (I know it’s living in sin, and even though I don’t believe in living together before marriage I respect others who choose to).

There’s your first mistake. “Respecting” people who choose to live together. It’s a mortally sinful activity.

If he’s a Catholic and doing this, then you have on your hands a man who does not practice the Faith. If he’s a non-Catholic doing this, then you have the very bad situation of a mixed marriage possibility. Either way, it’s bad news.

We’ve done nothing but talk and get to know each other but I feel so terribly guilty for being in his mind day and night. I feel like I’m sinning and separating this couple, even though I really try not to. It’s obvious we’re falling in love with the way we look at each other and know what the other is thinking without the need to say it. I’ve never wanted to break up something because I believe that if I do not only is it wrong but it will turn back and happen to me as well.

He’s living with another woman. This means a sexual relationship between them and the presumption of fidelity. Then he’s having this emotional relationship with you. I’ve got one word for that: CHEATER.

Like I said, we’ve done nothing but talk, and right now this man is very confused as to what he wants, main reason as to why he hasn’t left her yet. If he does, would it be wrong for us to be together, are we sinning now? I’d appreciate any help for I am seriously lost.

Poor little baby. So confused about what he wants that he isn’t quite ready to move out from the girlfriend so he continues to have an emotional relationship behind her back and string her along while he strings you along too.

Got one word for that: PLAYER.

Honey, this “relationship” has BAD NEWS written all over it.

No, it would not be *sinning *to enter into a dating relationship with him after he separates from the woman with whom he is currently shacking up. But it would be very stupid.

 

[flyingfish]

Why would you feel guilty? This is a girlfriend, not a wife. He’s fair game

You definitely aren’t sinning, because you can’t commit adultery with someone who is not married!

 

[EmeraldWings]

a few things that will help you decide on your own -
gaiaonline.com/guilds/viewtopic.php?t=13047835
gaiaonline.com/guilds/viewtopic.php?t=13047493
gaiaonline.com/guilds/viewtopic.php?t=13046951
gaiaonline.com/guilds/viewtopic.php?t=17452629
gaiaonline.com/guilds/viewtopic.php?t=14178983

some of my selections might make you wonder what they have to do with your problem, but if you read through them i am sure(or at least i strongly hope) that you will know what you are supposed to do, based on those articles i listed, you will learn certain things about love, charity, chastity, and alot more about this man that you have grown close with…and then there is one other thing i just through in there in regards to something else i noticed.

well, other then that, my first recommendation is just don’t jump into anything, there is no rush, God has plans for you and wants to direct your life in the way he knows best, and if you rush things or worry to much, you are likely to miss the way God is trying to direct you,
in order to know what God wants you to do(which is the thing you should be concerned with most) you need to spend time with God, talk to Him, tell Him what’s on your mind, you need to ask Him for help and guidance, He won’t ignore you, He will always answer your prayers in one way or another, you just need to keep your eyes open, you have to contemplate and meditate on what God is trying to tell you,
Eucharistic Adoration is especially good to go to for talking to God, and the best thing for spiritual growth.

i don’t think the church considers it a sin to fall in love with a man who is only dating another girl, but there are strong warnings in such situations, for one, if a man could be serious with one woman, and yet fall in love with another, what does that say about his loyalty? and how does the other girl know the same fate will not befall her as well?
another point, if this man is willing to live with a girl he is not married to, what does that say about his morals? that is a very important thing for Catholics, our morals and virtues are our foundation, and to let any man or anyone else compromise your morals and virtues is to damage and distance your relationship with God, who we are to love above all else.

i can’t say by the things you have said that you are sinning, although it would be a good thing to talk to your priest about, because that way you have the back and forth communication that will help him better understand the situation, and also, as a well educated and trained confessor, he will be much more able to tell you if you’re doing anything wrong, and what you can do to help the situation.

well, mainly the things i have said are just things for you to consider, of course i don’t know you or him, so i can’t tell you what his motives are or what his morals are like, that’s all for you to figure out, i’m merely hoping to help you be more cautious and think about this from different aspects.
i know how such loves or infatuations can be, it’s overwhelming at times, so you need to pray to God for help and guidance in this, that’s very important, you have to be sure your making decisions based on reason and religion, and not on your feelings.

ok well that’s all, hope this helps you, tc.

 

[kristanl]

Why would you feel guilty? This is a girlfriend, not a wife. He’s fair game

You definitely aren’t sinning, because you can’t commit adultery with someone who is not married!

But how does one eventually get married? From a commited girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. I say hes NOT fair game. You should not socialize with him. You should tell him to make up his mind, or stop talking to him. You dont want someone to do that to you.

 

[flyingfish]

But how does one eventually get married? From a commited girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. I say hes NOT fair game. You should not socialize with him. You should tell him to make up his mind, or stop talking to him. You dont want someone to do that to you.

You discern marriage by dating/courtship or whatever. Why isn’t he fair game? People make up their minds in the process of socializing.

 

[Whitacre_Girl]

I have to say…I agree with flyingfish.

Make your intentions known to this guy if thats what you want, but don’t persue him if he isn’t going to break it off with the other girl. He’s not married, there is nothing wrong with stating your feelings. I had every single ex-boyfriend and some male acquaintences make their feelings know just before I got married. I loved my (then) fiance and it didn’t change anything. I don’t fault them at all for their honesty. It’s better than harboring feelings for a married person.

However, I’d be suspect of him as a mate choice if he is living (and presumably sleeping) with someone he isn’t married to. You really should find yourself a good chaste catholic guy.

Another issue is that you work with him. Be prepared for a really awkward work situation if you do make your feelings known to him, and he turns you down.

If I had to say what I’d do in this situation, I’d keep my feelings to myself. But if you feel so strongly about this, you aren’t going to be sinning to be honest with this guy…I just don’t think its prudent.

 

[Celtic_Catholic]

Hi there! I guess I’ll go straight to it. I’m having a problem lately, even though I’m usually against work dating (for it’s implied complications) I’ve met a man I think could be “the one”. We’ve been learning a lot from each other and we’re both very aware of what we want in life. Both of us are looking for marriage and starting a family. We’ve been very straightforward and I can honestly say I’ve never felt so comfortable with a man before, I cannot stop thinking about him and he feels the same way. We both believe we might be the one for each other.

My problem is, he has a girlfriend with whom he lives with (I know it’s living in sin, and even though I don’t believe in living together before marriage I respect others who choose to). We’ve done nothing but talk and get to know each other but I feel so terribly guilty for being in his mind day and night. I feel like I’m sinning and separating this couple, even though I really try not to. It’s obvious we’re falling in love with the way we look at each other and know what the other is thinking without the need to say it. I’ve never wanted to break up something because I believe that if I do not only is it wrong but it will turn back and happen to me as well.

Like I said, we’ve done nothing but talk, and right now this man is very confused as to what he wants, main reason as to why he hasn’t left her yet. If he does, would it be wrong for us to be together, are we sinning now? I’d appreciate any help for I am seriously lost.

Thank you.

*Hello,

Since the man isn’t married, you* are doing nothing wrong, but what he’s doing is wrong. First you said that he knows what he wants in life - to be married and have a family. Then later in the post you said he’s confused as to what he wants. If he really wanted to be married with a family, he wouldn’t have to go far to find it since he’s living with someone he could very easily marry.

Living together outside of marriage is immoral. It doesn’t matter how popular it is in today’s world. You have to be in the world, not of the world. His actions don’t show a strongly moral person. And although you can “respect” someone’s choice to live in sin, would you want to get involved with someone who does? It’s one thing to make a mistake or two or three and learn from them. But I would have issue with an adult who is still making serious mistakes in the here and now and living those mistakes on a daily basis. I wouldn’t judge the person but I wouldn’t want directly involved with him either.

I think you should rethink the entire “relationship”. Falling in love is something that happens with a full-time, whole relationship. You have to be able to trust a person 100 percent and that comes with a strong character, love for God and lots of time together.

Good luck!

 

[Seatuck]

Hi there! I guess I’ll go straight to it. I’m having a problem lateHly, even though I’m usually against work dating (for it’s implied complications) I’ve met a man I think could be “the one”. We’ve been learning a lot from each other and we’re both very aware of what we want in life. Both of us are looking for marriage and starting a family. We’ve been very straightforward and I can honestly say I’ve never felt so comfortable with a man before, I cannot stop thinking about him and he feels the same way. We both believe we might be the one for each other.

My problem is, he has a girlfriend with whom he lives with (I know it’s living in sin, and even though I don’t believe in living together before marriage I respect others who choose to). We’ve done nothing but talk and get to know each other but I feel so terribly guilty for being in his mind day and night. I feel like I’m sinning and separating this couple, even though I really try not to. It’s obvious we’re falling in love with the way we look at each other and know what the other is thinking without the need to say it. I’ve never wanted to break up something because I believe that if I do not only is it wrong but it will turn back and happen to me as well.

Like I said, we’ve done nothing but talk, and right now this man is very confused as to what he wants, main reason as to why he hasn’t left her yet. If he does, would it be wrong for us to be together, are we sinning now? I’d appreciate any help for I am seriously lost.

Thank you.

He is definitely sinning right now. He is in a committed relationship with someone and sharing himself intimately ( intimate is more than sex - it involves closeness and sharing of persons) with another woman. He is living in sin. There is no reason to respect living in sin. You need to question your ability to discern this guy being “the one” when he is first living in sin and secondly cheating on his girlfriend with you . How can you trust someone who does this? (Yes, you can emotionally cheat with another person. )

Take a step back from this relationship until he decides what he wants to do about his live in girlfriend. He is not an emotionally ,morally mature person and will need to grow up a bit before he can be “the one”.

Pray about this. Go to Church and sit before the Blessed Sacrament and ask Jesus to help you discern what he wants for your life. Ask him for clarity and strength.

BTW , I say he is not fair game. Women need to have more respect for each other than go after each other’s men. While we don’t know the content of this relationship -is it right for this woman to be cheated on and betrayed? Maybe she thinks he is “the one” too.

 

[isolde]

First off, thank you all for your responses!! I truly appreciate them.

*Hello,

Since the man isn’t married, you* are doing nothing wrong, but what he’s doing is wrong. First you said that he knows what he wants in life - to be married and have a family. Then later in the post you said he’s confused as to what he wants. If he really wanted to be married with a family, he wouldn’t have to go far to find it since he’s living with someone he could very easily marry.
Good luck!

He is looking for marriage, in fact he told me that before meeting me he thought he would end up marrying her, hence his confusion. At the moment I believe he has strong feelings for both of us, but since he lives with her and has had more time with her he’s fighting (himself and temptation) for his current relationship. He believes she deserves for him to fight for her, he doesn’t want to hurt her (nor do I for that matter), and so he has stated his feelings for me but will do nothing about it just yet (if ever). He knows how I feel so I think he’s just searching his heart and soul to figure it out, I don’t know, thankfully I had never been in a similar situation before.

As for the “fair game” dilemma, I don’t particularly think he is. Yes he is not married and therefore not completely committed and off limits, but like Seatuck said, we must respect others. So I believe that making our feelings known for each other is not wrong, acting on them on the other hand, is. Perhaps I’m wrong, I do not know, but I pray I’m handling the situation rightfully.

 

[flyingfish]

As for the “fair game” dilemma, I don’t particularly think he is. Yes he is not married and therefore not completely committed and off limits, but like Seatuck said, we must respect others. So I believe that making our feelings known for each other is not wrong, acting on them on the other hand, is. Perhaps I’m wrong, I do not know, but I pray I’m handling the situation rightfully.

Having sex with him or engaging in other sexual activity would be wrong, but it would be wrong if he was single too.

Simply spending time with him and being his friend, or even expressing feelings for him and having deep conversations is not.

He does not owe his girlfriend his eternal loyalty because she is not his wife.

I think that if you hold back and do not fight for this man, that you will come to regret it. It is not sinful to compete with another woman for an unmarried man. So I would not place extra restrictions on yourself that go far beyond anything the Church teaches, simply because if you do, you might come to regret this for the rest of your life and wonder how it ight have been had you married this man.

 

[EmeraldWings]

First off, thank you all for your responses!! I truly appreciate them.

He is looking for marriage, in fact he told me that before meeting me he thought he would end up marrying her, hence his confusion. At the moment I believe he has strong feelings for both of us, but since he lives with her and has had more time with her he’s fighting (himself and temptation) for his current relationship. He believes she deserves for him to fight for her, he doesn’t want to hurt her (nor do I for that matter), and so he has stated his feelings for me but will do nothing about it just yet (if ever). He knows how I feel so I think he’s just searching his heart and soul to figure it out, I don’t know, thankfully I had never been in a similar situation before.

As for the “fair game” dilemma, I don’t particularly think he is. Yes he is not married and therefore not completely committed and off limits, but like Seatuck said, we must respect others. So I believe that making our feelings known for each other is not wrong, acting on them on the other hand, is. Perhaps I’m wrong, I do not know, but I pray I’m handling the situation rightfully.

Good, you are doing the right thing then, just keep praying and trust in God, if you are meant to be with this man, it will happen, because as long as we are trying to do God’s will and not our own, then whatever is meant to be will be, you have nothing to worry about.
but in regards to another post which said this -
“I think that if you hold back and do not fight for this man, that you will come to regret it. It is not sinful to compete with another woman for an unmarried man. So I would not place extra restrictions on yourself that go far beyond anything the Church teaches, simply because if you do, you might come to regret this for the rest of your life and wonder how it ight have been had you married this man.”

i do not think that is needed, prayer is needed, pushing the situation and “fighting” for this guy may only overwhelm an already confused man,
remember God teaches us to treat others as we would want to be treated, and if you were in a relationship with someone you loved, and some girl just comes along and tries to take him off of you…how terrible you would feel, and what kind of example is that of a devout catholic woman?
we should be thinking of others feelings as well as the well being of their body and soul,
it’s one thing if he decides on his own to leave his girlfriend, but to persuade him or push the situation, that’s simply not needed, God plays a part in our lives much more then we know, that is why i say it’s just very important to trust in Him…
and maybe you could think of it this way, what if that other girl was your best friend? you would never think of trying to take her boyfriend from her, no matter what, not just because of your loyalty to her as a friend, but because of your love for her, love is a powerful thing, and Jesus tells us to love our neighbor as ourselves, so even if you don’t know this girl, you can still love her,

so in your prayers, maybe you can ask God, not just for guidance in this current situation, but also ask God to help these two people with all of their spiritual and temporal needs, and for conversion to a more holy and Christian like lifestyle,
remember everything happens for a reason, so even if this man isn’t “the one”, God still brought him into your life for a reason, and so you have nothing to regret.

alright, i’ll be praying for you, hope everything turns out for the better, tc.