Confused Catholic need advice/insite

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I am very confused about the Catholic religion at the moment. Hopefully I will get some answers. I have been born and raised a Catholic. I am very religious, going to church every sunday, attending special services such as stations of the cross, the rosary, adorations to Our Lady of Fatima, and many others. I devote a lot of time. Every morning and evening I pray, and I really feel like I am connected with God. But there is one problem and that is sex. Why is sexed viewed in the church as a bad thing before marrage? And that is what seems to be separating me from God at the moment. I have a girlfriend of 2 yrs, which is coming from the same background as I do, and also devotes a lot of time for church and other religious services, we do have plans on getting married in the vary near future, but one of the biggest factors that is keeping us from doing it is the finances. We are working hard on saving the money so that we can have a nice ceremony and everything else that is associated with a wedding. But we both seem to be lost, we dont know why the church treats sex as such a bad thing, granted we are breaking a commandment. But its not like we go out to bars/clubs and then just go have sex with the first person that I or she comes accross, just to have a little fun. We are faithful to each other and have been throughout the relationship. Why is the church treating us this way. We use protection, only have it once in a while, and its more to show affection and love to one another than to just have a little fun. I would ask if we are sinning but Im sure we are. What is the definition of sex, by church standards? Where is the fine line between braking the commandment and not. Would touching be considered braking the commandment? How far is too far? Can someone shed some light on this Im very confused.

Thanks to all that reply
 
I am totally with you there. My boyfriend and I are like that, and we are both eachothers only partners. And he always asks me whats wrong with having sex? I am getting you there. I wish I could shed some light on your situation, but I’m not Catholic, and in my religion, even kissing is going to far, laying in eachothers arms is going to far, and being alone is almost going to far. My religion would also say that couples should do other things, so that your minds aren’t faultering, so that we won’t think of our significant other that way.
My bf and I have been dating for over 3 years, and just because I have been studying to convert, I have decided to pull the plug on the whole Sex thing. In the eyes of the Lord, you are breaking a commandment, but I feel that if you really love somebody, then go ahead and do it. It’s personal choice. No one can make it but you. And since you and your gf did. God is the only one that can judge you. Sorry if I was no Help. I tried.
 
It’s very difficult to be young and waiting, waiting, waiting. When you get older, time won’t seem to crawl as it does now.

The good news is that God has a plan for you - and that includes all of you, not just your sexuality. Chastity is such a precious and beautiful gift to you - just as wonderful as the sexual intimacy of which the Creator has made you capable it its proper season and context!

I grew up in the time of the “free love” explosion - we had no use for chastity. But, I’ll tell you that it wasn’t free and it wasn’t love. There was a terrible cost extracted. Not the least of which was a battered self-image that resulted from being reduced to “a sexuality.”

So many regrets. How lovely it would be to be young and innocent again - to have a chance to do that part of my life over and know just a tiny bit of what I know, now.

See, it doesn’t cost you anything to maintain your chastity. Nobody dies from virginity, as the popular saying goes. 😉

What it costs to not remain chaste, though - oh, now that’s some real regret. Any time you thwart the will of God, you will suffer some degree of consequences. Some of them are built in. The broken heart and sense of loss.

And it may be very frustrating at times, but it’s NOT just a case of, “Well, why not? It’s my own body!”

It’s a case of asserting your will (which is prone to concupiscence, remember?) in place of God’s will for you.

Please listen to Jason Evert’s presentation on chastity - it will make so much sense to you. It will remind you of the beautiful reasons that bodies are made the way that they’re made.

Also Mary Beth Bonacci’s book, “If You Really Love Me,” I think it’s called.

And there are wonderful articles at Pure Love Club - pureloveclub.org/

Our precious Pope John Paul II wrote the brilliant Theology of the Body - you can get a wonderful set of CD’s by Christopher West that explains TOTB for only $4! And they’re really good! giftfoundation.org/pages/naked_without_shame.htm

I will pray for you young people. I remember how very difficult some things seemed back then.

But, I’ll also tell you that you’re on the right track - don’t throw in the towel now, when you’re doing so darn well! I so admire you kids who “buck the system” and stand firm in your morals. You’re not taking the easy way out and that takes character - it’s especially hard when “everyone else” around you is going the way of the world.

Don’t give up. Don’t give in. At least not until you’ve educated yourselves as to what you’re throwing away.
 

The reason comes from the fact that we are made in God’s image. As a result, we are created, like every other created thing, to respond to God - and human beings respond to God by being able to love God with “heart and soul and mind and might”. And the thing about human beings, is that we are free to do so, and are aware of doing so. We are created by God so that we might be united to Him by love, a love that He pours into our hearts, so that we can freely, willingly, love Him with it; for we cannot do so by our own strength.​

As humans, we have bodies - and what we do with them, is intended to be an expression of love for Him. In loving us, God gives Himself totally and unconditionally to us - and wants us to be totally and unconditionally self-giving in return - in fact, commands it. That’s why obedience to Him, if perfect, refuses nothing to God.

And that is what Jesus has done - loved unconditionally & obeyed unreservedly. He has done so, and has made us parts of His own Body, so that we might be joined with Him, and our fellow-men, in being able to love God as we are meant to. He has taken us up into His own Life - that is what the life of grace is: it is the life of the Blessed Trinity; nothing less. God is so essential to us, that He cannot be replaced by anything created - we are created with a hunger and thirst for God, which cannot be satisfied except by God. As we cannot yet see God face to face, we practice loving God by loving our neighbour "“in God”; and married love is meant as an expression of this.

And as we are sexually differentiated, our use of sexuality is meant to be part of our total self-giving to God; it is a result of our being, not unembodied souls, not mere lumps of flesh, but a union of soul with body - a result of being created as human.

Sexuality is a problem because we are not as we are meant to be - human nature was created good and holy, but was spoilt by the Fall; so when we try to live on our own terms, and not on God’s, we’re trying to do what is impossible. Happiness is possible only in relation to God; for that is how we and all things are made. And our fallenness has spoilt our bodily nature - sexuality included. As Jesus Christ is our Redeemer, our sexuality is part of what is being redeemed. Which is a reason to act as the sort of people who are being redeemed.

All of us are called by Christ to carry the Cross - and disciplining our desires and bodies, and our sexual activity, is one way we do this, by His help. We cannot in this life escape the Cross - Jesus did so only by dying on it. What we can do, by being in union with Him, is offer to Him our difficulties in this, and every other, area of our lives. All our problems, including sexual ones, are reasons for us to seek His help; they are never reasons to keep away from Him. Our failures and weakness and our sins should never make us despair - when we do fall, we should rise.

Sex outside marriage is not wrong because the Church says so - the Church says so, because it is wrong. The Church is witnessing to the nature of marriage in saying this; because the total self-giving which married love ought to involve, is spoilt if any of that giving takes placeoutside marriage. The reason for this is that marriage is a miniature version of the Love of Christ for His Church - He gave Himself for her, without any reservation, & does still; and He will never divorce her - because He is one with her. Married love should be a total self-giving of each spouse to the other. And if some of that giving is not within marriage, the self-giving is less than it could have been. Which is a shame.

IOW, chaste sexual activity within marriage alone is a way of living as Christ’s disciples in the world. That’s why Christian families are called, and are, “domestic churches”. That is how we are meant to live - not for ourselves, because “your bodies are not your own; you are Christ’s, and Christ is God’s”. Our bodies don’t belong to us at all 🙂 - they belong to Christ. That is the basic reason for why the human body deserves respect - it is meant to be entirely His. To use our bodies for our own pleasure, without submitting them to God, is not fair to God, or to our neighbour - including the neighbour we intend to marry.

That’s why we have sacraments - to transform our soul and bodies, so that they can become fully Christ-like.

I hope that helps - this might ##
 
Johnq,

I tried accessing your talks but they dont seem to be working.
 
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mrstuff68:
I am very confused about the Catholic religion at the moment. Hopefully I will get some answers. I have been born and raised a Catholic. I am very religious, going to church every sunday, attending special services such as stations of the cross, the rosary, adorations to Our Lady of Fatima, and many others. I devote a lot of time. Every morning and evening I pray, and I really feel like I am connected with God.
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These are all very good and admirable things. You say you are very religious. I would assume this is because you believe what the Church teaches is the truth about Man, God, and Salvation.
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mrstuff68:
But there is one problem and that is sex. Why is sexed viewed in the church as a bad thing before marrage?
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God created all things. He created sexual intercourse. He created it for a specific purpose: the procreation of children together with the bonding of spouses.

Any other use of the gift of sex is a grave offense to God, the creator of sex.

As part of God’s creation, and subject to him in all things, we are not free to misuse the gifts God has given us.

God created eating, which is pleasurable and enjoyable… but we are not free to overeat and misuse the gift of our senses to enjoy food-- the sin of gluttony.

God created sex-- which is pleasurable and enjoyable-- but we are not free to use it outside the parameters he established for it-- to do so is the sin of fornication.
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mrstuff68:
And that is what seems to be separating me from God at the moment. I have a girlfriend of 2 yrs, which is coming from the same background as I do, and also devotes a lot of time for church and other religious services, we do have plans on getting married in the vary near future, but one of the biggest factors that is keeping us from doing it is the finances.
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You are not married to this person yet, and therefore you are misusing the gift of sex which was given to man for the co-creation of children together with the renewal of the marriage covenant. The sex act is a Sacramental act-- it is part of the Sacrament of marriage.

To approach the sex act without reverence for it’s proper place (inside the marriage Sacrament) is like taking the Eucharist without keeping the fast and without discerning the body and blood of Christ. It is a mortally sinful thing to misuse the Sacraments.
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mrstuff68:
We are working hard on saving the money so that we can have a nice ceremony and everything else that is associated with a wedding.
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That is nice, but you should perhaps focus more on the Sacrament and less on the ceremony. You both seem to lack an understanding of the purpose of marriage, the Sacramentality of marriage, and the responsibility of marriage.

May I suggest the book Three To Get Married by Archbishop Fulton Sheen? It’s a good start, you should both read it.
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mrstuff68:
But we both seem to be lost, we dont know why the church treats sex as such a bad thing, granted we are breaking a commandment.
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The Church does not treat sex as a bad thing. Sex is a good thing. It is part of the Sacrament of Marriage. It is only “bad” when it is misused. You are misusing it, so yes, you are breaking a commandment.
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mrstuff68:
But its not like we go out to bars/clubs and then just go have sex with the first person that I or she comes accross, just to have a little fun. We are faithful to each other and have been throughout the relationship. Why is the church treating us this way.
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So, to use your analogy it’s OK to steal candy because it’s not like you are robbing a bank. It’s only a little bit of sin. That is the sum of your argument.

You are faithful to each other, but you are not married to each other. You are misusing sex in a grave way.

The Church is not “treating you this way”. You are treating yourselves in an abusive manner by abusing God’s gift to Man. Sex is not yours to use as you please.
 
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mrstuff68:
We use protection, only have it once in a while, and its more to show affection and love to one another than to just have a little fun.
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Perhaps you are unaware that “protection” as you call it-- contraception-- is also a mortal sin?

Sex is for the procreation of children together with the bonding of spouses. Neither the unitive nor the procreative element can ever be taken from the sex act or it is a disordered use of sex.

Contraception-- the purposeful act of preventing conception from occuring-- is also a sin. That is why sex belongs in marriage. * If you cannot accept the natural fruit of the act-- children-- then you should refrain from the act entirely.*

You are trying to imitate what married people do while at the same time taking out of the act the essential elements that make the act a God-given gift. You are merely going for the physical gratification-- and that is a misuse of the gift of sex.
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mrstuff68:
I would ask if we are sinning but Im sure we are.
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Yes, you are. So, stop it.
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mrstuff68:
What is the definition of sex, by church standards? Where is the fine line between braking the commandment and not. Would touching be considered braking the commandment? How far is too far? Can someone shed some light on this Im very confused.
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Activity-- touching, etc-- that makes you aroused is “too far”.

Chastity is what God calls *all * persons to, both married and single.

I recommend you and your fiance stop having sexual contact and start studying what the Church teaches about sex, marriage, and sacraments. You are not ready to be married until you understand this most fundamental part of Catholic teaching.

Get the book I recommended above, and also go to the main Catholic Answers website and buy some of their materials by Jason and Christina Evert.

Mary Beth Bonnacci’s book called Real Love is also excellent.

To learn more about why contraception is a sin, please visit the website www.omsoul.com and get their information. Some of it is free.
 
for·ni·ca·tion* n. *
Sexual intercourse between partners who are not married to each other.
For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, fornication, theft, false witness, slander.
Matt. 15:19

But fornication and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is fitting among saints.
Eph. 5:3

Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: fornication, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry.
Col. 3:5The Catholic Church teaches that fornication is a mortal sin because the scriptures teach that fornication is a mortal sin. Be sure of this, that no fornicator or impure man, or one who is covetous (that is, an idolater), has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.
Eph. 5:5
 
Actually the Church treats sex as a better, higher, more holy thing than you do. Think about that for a while.

And know that I was in your position when I was younger, and I wondered the same things, and I had the same attitude towards the Church’s teachings as you do, probably even moreso.
 
Hello mrstuff68,

I just wanted to say that I do understand where you are coming from. Sometimes it can be a real struggle to understand why the Catholic Church and God teach what they do, especially when it is so contrary to what we see around us.

I have come to realize that it is not that the Church views sex as something bad and that our society recognizes the good of it. Rather, the truth is that the Church believes that sex is much more than our current culture says that it is.

The bodies of two people engaging in sex are saying, “I love you. I give my entire self to you.” But a life-long commitment is necessary to make that statement true. Without it, the bodies are telling a lie.

Sex is meant to bond spouses together so that they can make it through all the struggles of life together. It is also meant to lead to a family! God made it so good and so pleasureable because he values marriage that much! He wants families to stay together and stay close to Him. How great is that!

Unfortunatly, when two people have sex outside of marriage, sex is not living up to its potential. It will still bond the two parties involved, but not in a life-long commitment. Even if they believe they will and have every intention of getting married, they are not currently married and have not made vows to each other. And sometimes children will still be created outside of marriage, which is not the ideal situation. Children should come into the world in a stable and loving relationship where all parties have a life-long commitment.

I know it’s difficult to hear sometimes what God expects of us. And sometimes it seems like He’s asking too much. I hope you can truly come to an understanding of His plan for your sexuality and trust that He will always give you all the strength and grace necessary to live out His will for you.

God bless you!
 
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johnq:
Lets try this.

pureloveclub.com is for saleListen to Jason and Crystalina’s chastity talk:
(Rated PG-13, for high-school-level content on health and behavior issues. Jr. High presentation also available.)

Catholic High School talk
MP3 format
RealAudio format

Public High School talk
MP3 format
RealAudio format
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You can also check out the" pure love club" on the main home page of Catholic Answers. Heh I"ve been married 20 years and learned some stuff from these two. they are great inspirations.
 
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mrstuff68:
I am. But we both seem to be lost, we dont know why the church treats sex as such a bad thing, granted we are breaking a commandment. . ?
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The Catholic Church teaches that sex is a good thing, created by God to give joy to humans, to unite man and woman in marriage and to enable them to cooperate with God in his creation through the procreation of children. Sex is entirely good. It only becomes bad when it is used by people who have no right to that gift, namely, people who are not married to each other. God created sex good, and he created marriage good.

Anyone who tries to go against God’s plan for sex and marriage is bringing pain, misery and harm upon himself and his partner. It is not possible to be religious by outward observance of prayer and ritual and devotions, while at the same time making a conscious, informed decision to break the commandments on a regular basis. You both need to meet with your priest and work this out. You have no chance for a happy marriage, the marriage God wants you to have, if you use sex for your own ends as you are doing, rather than for God’s purposes.

You both need to see your priest. Lack of money is not a good reason to justify casual sex between unmarried persons. Forget all the expense of a wedding, just exchange your vows in a simple ceremony witness by a priest and those close to you and begin your married life. If you are ready for a faithful commitmen to each other, including sex you are ready for marriage. If you are not ready for marriage you are not ready for sex.
 
Everybody has covered the theological points. I will just add two things.

First, get Christopher West’s Good News About Love and Marriage, and read it. It changed my whole view of sex and marriage to something much deeper than I had before.

Second. I was in your position once. We married. I expected our wedding night to be something special. It wasn’t. Just the same old same old.

If you want your wedding night to be special… learn the beauty of chastity; learn the beauty of what a real Catholic marriage should be.
 
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mrstuff68:
I am very confused about the Catholic religion at the moment. Hopefully I will get some answers. I have been born and raised a Catholic. I am very religious, going to church every sunday, attending special services such as stations of the cross, the rosary, adorations to Our Lady of Fatima, and many others. I devote a lot of time. Every morning and evening I pray, and I really feel like I am connected with God. But there is one problem and that is sex. Why is sexed viewed in the church as a bad thing before marrage? And that is what seems to be separating me from God at the moment. I have a girlfriend of 2 yrs, which is coming from the same background as I do, and also devotes a lot of time for church and other religious services, we do have plans on getting married in the vary near future, but one of the biggest factors that is keeping us from doing it is the finances. We are working hard on saving the money so that we can have a nice ceremony and everything else that is associated with a wedding. But we both seem to be lost, we dont know why the church treats sex as such a bad thing, granted we are breaking a commandment. But its not like we go out to bars/clubs and then just go have sex with the first person that I or she comes accross, just to have a little fun. We are faithful to each other and have been throughout the relationship. Why is the church treating us this way. We use protection, only have it once in a while, and its more to show affection and love to one another than to just have a little fun. I would ask if we are sinning but Im sure we are. What is the definition of sex, by church standards? Where is the fine line between braking the commandment and not. Would touching be considered braking the commandment? How far is too far? Can someone shed some light on this Im very confused.

Thanks to all that reply
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Hello MrStuff! - That is a cool handle!

Anyhow, to your question about sex and how the church views it.

Paul writes in several of his biblical letters about sexual morality. He gives practical advice as well as spiritual advice. He states that our bodies are members of Christ, and that we need to take care not to corrupt ourselves. He also says that we carry the Holy Spirit within us and that “…your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God, and that you are not from your own.” (1 Cor 6:12-20)

Pauls concern is to not offend the Spirit. He gives the example “that anyone who joins himself with a prostitute becomes one body with her” and " the two…will become one flesh." (The second part of that quote are Jesus’ words.)

Pope Benedict XVI recently published his first encyclical, entitled “God is Love,” in which he addresses the issue of sexuality with concern to love. He gets rather detailed with it.

Here it is. Read it and you may come to a greater understanding.
vatican.va/holy_father/benedict_xvi/encyclicals/documents/hf_ben-xvi_enc_20051225_deus-caritas-est_en.html

Blessings,
Subrosa
 
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