Confused: Catholicism VS. What actually happens in parishes

[3DOCTORS]

I suggest that you write a letter to the bishop, informing him of your difficulties in receiving the Sacraments. Include documentation of dates and times where your appointments were broken, and the fact that there are no regularly scheduled times in the parish. I wouldn’t get into anything the priest said as it could be considered hearsay. The fact that you are not able to receive a Sacrament that you have repeatedly requested and for which you are properly disposed is enough for the bishop to know, since it is a violation of canon 843, §1: “Sacred ministers cannot deny the sacraments to those who seek them at appropriate times, are properly disposed, and are not prohibited by law from receiving them.”

Fr. John Zuhlsdorf gives tips for writing to bishops here: wdtprs.com/blog/tips-for-writing-to-bishops-and-to-the-pc-ecclesia-dei/

^This.^ The treatment you and your friend received is appalling. I’m glad you’re hanging in there and not giving up on the Church, but there needs to be redress for your legitimate grievances and an assurance that you won’t continue to be impeded from receiving the Sacrament of Reconciliation as often as you feel you need to. Even if you have to take it to the Papal Nuncio or someone! There’s no excuse for the priests or the bishop being so bullheaded about it. Yes, they are human and fallible, but let them be admonished and corrected.

It may be continue to be awkward with them though; if they are called out, they may hold it against you, so you may still need an alternative. I thought of one alternative but I don’t know if it applies to your area. Many years ago, when I was a college student and started to suffer from terrible scrupulosity, I could no longer go to Confession with the parish priest, who was a super-strict one and triggered my shame and guilt buttons too much. (He is deceased many years and I have forgiven him for he knew not what a sensitive soul he was dealing with - I used to drive out in the country and park along a dirt road and sob my heart out after Confession.)

Then, on a retreat, I found the Redemptorists, and a confessor among them who understood my scruples and so I just went to him (scrupes are advised to stick to one confessor anyway). Is there by any chance somewhere within reasonable distance to you a retreat center, religious order, etc. with an order priest who would be willing to be confessor to you and your friend? You might do an online search to find out.

Wishing you all the best and a successful resolution to your dilemma. God bless you!

 

[3DOCTORS]

I’d also like to add that what happened to you is the sort of thing our new Holy Father Francis would probably have some sharp words to say to those priests and that bishop about! :tsktsk:

 

[YoungTradCath]

This is weird and fishy… you can confess to whatever priest you want to.

 

[nickybr38]

This is weird and fishy… you can confess to whatever priest you want to.

That’s what I read, that’s not what the parishioners in my church tell, nor how the priests behave.

I’ve been doing some research this morning. There is a priest some three hours away who is apparently a very good confessor. I will be seeking him out and will see if he’s willing to take me on once a month. I’m willing to take the trip if I know he’ll actually BE there.

 

[nickybr38]

^This.^ The treatment you and your friend received is appalling. I’m glad you’re hanging in there and not giving up on the Church, but there needs to be redress for your legitimate grievances and an assurance that you won’t continue to be impeded from receiving the Sacrament of Reconciliation as often as you feel you need to. Even if you have to take it to the Papal Nuncio or someone! There’s no excuse for the priests or the bishop being so bullheaded about it. Yes, they are human and fallible, but let them be admonished and corrected.

It may be continue to be awkward with them though; if they are called out, they may hold it against you, so you may still need an alternative. I thought of one alternative but I don’t know if it applies to your area. Many years ago, when I was a college student and started to suffer from terrible scrupulosity, I could no longer go to Confession with the parish priest, who was a super-strict one and triggered my shame and guilt buttons too much. (He is deceased many years and I have forgiven him for he knew not what a sensitive soul he was dealing with - I used to drive out in the country and park along a dirt road and sob my heart out after Confession.)

Then, on a retreat, I found the Redemptorists, and a confessor among them who understood my scruples and so I just went to him (scrupes are advised to stick to one confessor anyway). Is there by any chance somewhere within reasonable distance to you a retreat center, religious order, etc. with an order priest who would be willing to be confessor to you and your friend? You might do an online search to find out.

Wishing you all the best and a successful resolution to your dilemma. God bless you!

Thank you for your kind words.

I struggle quite a bit with confession. This added difficulty just trying to GET confession is not helping my other issues (which I won’t go into). I do not have scruples but I can’t imagine how hard it would be to HAVE scruples AND to have to deal with the parishes in this area. I shudder to think of it.

Sometimes I DO worry that the problem ISN’T the parishes or the priests. Sometimes I worry the problem is my family (my sister, cousin, brother-in-law and I have all had VERY similar experiences).

Are we too zealous?
Do we take things too seriously?
Do we demand too much?

I’m not 100% sure. After three years of this ongoing battle I’m really starting to struggle with feeling like I am receiving the bare minimum of the faith and then I feel guilt for feeling that way. Agh. It’s so frustrating.

 

[nickybr38]

I am truly saddened to hear of your experiences.

I don’t know if this makes you feel better or worse, but it’s not like that everywhere. All the parishes in my area have set confession times every week and the lines are always long. It is disheartening to not have that type of regular access.

All Catholics have a right to receive the sacraments when they reasonably ask for them. I would call out the priest for not honoring appointments. Grant it, they could have emergencies pop up (e.g. someone dying in a hospital), so you should be charitable and assume the best. But it is extremely disrespectful to do so on a regular basis without apology or excuse.

There is nothing anywhere stating one can only go to Confession in their own parish. In fact, quite the opposite. Canon Law says: “Every member of the Christian faithful is free to confess sins to a legitimately approved confessor of his or her choice, even to one of another rite.” Honestly, I have never been to Confession in my home parish. I always go to one of the neighboring parishes.

It’s hard to deal with things like this when you are not at all asking for anything unreasonable. Any priest should be happy to hear someone’s Confession. There was a priest in my area who got transferred, but one of my good friends still calls him up and he’ll drop whatever he’s doing and go meet my friend and hear his Confession at any time of day or night. My friend does try not to take advantage of his amazing generosity in that regard. But that has always impressed me as a wonderful attitude for a priest to have. They are pastors of souls.

Hang in there. Keep making those appointments. And if the priest doesn’t show, let them know you feel disrespected. At the very least, they owe you a phone call to let you know they cannot make it.

I can always count on you to say something that helps to calm me down. I’ve been on this board at some of my most frenzied moments and Joe always comes with wisdom and patience.

Thank you for that.

 

[Joe_5859]

Just to balance the picture – in fairness to those at your parish – many Catholics simply have had poor catechetical formation. Many do not understand the value of Confession. And I know many parishes (rural parishes in particular) can become somewhat territorial. Some Catholics simply cannot imagine going to anything at another parish. I’ve seen it happen a lot. You try inviting a neighboring parish to something at your parish and they just won’t come. I’ve even seen someone get angry over the thought that people from another parish (that had recently closed) would be coming to her parish. It’s sad that those types of attitudes are out there. Jesus does call us to love everyone, though. Even the grumpy.

 

[AnneTeresa]

im so sorry to hear of your problem. Don’t give up your zealousness. Keep seeking GOd no matte how others respond. I sometimes feel similarly that others think Im too into God and so I hide it . When I realized I was doing this At CHURCH of all places I decided I don’t care what anyone else thinks. Your zeal is a gift. It’s so sad others don’t have it.

:hug1:

 

[sumusresnovarum]

I feel for the OP, but what many of the posters are responding to is frustration over what should be normative reception of the sacraments, especially confession. If you are from a very rural area, there are a couple of things to be considered.

One, the priests you normally visit may have to travel great distances for sick calls, anointings, etc. It’s very possible that they are very well intentioned and are merely prevented by other constraints on their time. This is very common in rural areas.

Two, perhaps you would be better off making appointments not around weekend mass. Priests can have other things needing to be dealt with at those times, and a confession could be more easily moved than those preparations. Try making an appointment during the week if you can.

Not to discourage you, but your bishop and perhaps confessors may be underwhelmed because confession is not exciting for them as it is for you. You may be experiencing problems and discouragement because you are emotionally excited for confession, sacraments, and traditions (small t, like confessionals instead of face-to-face), while your spiritual guides do not share that enthusiasm.

I encourage you to persevere. Do not be discouraged by some bad experiences, and understand that the Church is a perfect entity composed of imperfect beings.

 

[Jimdandy]

I think that you have a beautiful Faith and are a witness to the Truth of the Gospel of Jesus.
Pray for your priests - the evil one delights in upsetting you and leading them astray.
Pray for special help from St. Pio and St. Peter also:thumbsup:

 

[Cavaille-Coll]

You can always confess to the Byzantine priest. They are part of the Catholic Church and as a Latin Rite (Roman) Catholic, you can receive Byzantine sacraments and they can receive ours freely. They usually do it facing the priest, but most Byzantine priests take the sacraments very seriously. If you have a liberal diocese, his parish is probably loaded with Roman-rite Catholics seeking reverent liturgies.

 

[nickybr38]

I feel for the OP, but what many of the posters are responding to is frustration over what should be normative reception of the sacraments, especially confession. If you are from a very rural area, there are a couple of things to be considered.

One, the priests you normally visit may have to travel great distances for sick calls, anointings, etc. It’s very possible that they are very well intentioned and are merely prevented by other constraints on their time. This is very common in rural areas.

Two, perhaps you would be better off making appointments not around weekend mass. Priests can have other things needing to be dealt with at those times, and a confession could be more easily moved than those preparations. Try making an appointment during the week if you can.

Not to discourage you, but your bishop and perhaps confessors may be underwhelmed because confession is not exciting for them as it is for you. You may be experiencing problems and discouragement because you are emotionally excited for confession, sacraments, and traditions (small t, like confessionals instead of face-to-face), while your spiritual guides do not share that enthusiasm.

I encourage you to persevere. Do not be discouraged by some bad experiences, and understand that the Church is a perfect entity composed of imperfect beings.

When I schedule confession I ALWAYS rely on the priest to choose a time that’s good for him and then I take the day off work so I can go (I work Mon-Sat, 9-9). I don’t mind missing work for confession and I try to be as accommodating to the priests schedule as possible. It’s always on weekdays (Thursday, Friday, Monday… whatever day he chooses)

I understand having emergencies… but every time? There’s a reason I did not come here the first time it happened, or the second, or the third…

It took three years before it built to such a point that I needed to come seek some guidance.

I hope I’m not being unreasonable. I really do.

 

[Joe_5859]

When I schedule confession I ALWAYS rely on the priest to choose a time that’s good for him and then I take the day off work so I can go (I work Mon-Sat, 9-9). I don’t mind missing work for confession and I try to be as accommodating to the priests schedule as possible. It’s always on weekdays (Thursday, Friday, Monday… whatever day he chooses)

I understand having emergencies… but every time? There’s a reason I did not come here the first time it happened, or the second, or the third…

It took three years before it built to such a point that I needed to come seek some guidance.

I hope I’m not being unreasonable. I really do.

Has the priest ever offered an apology or an explanation?

 

[nickybr38]

Has the priest ever offered an apology or an explanation?

The few times I’ve asked he has said simply: I forgot.

Oh I have so many stories from the last few years… one parish USED to have scheduled confessions times every Saturday but the priest would never show up. EVER. We attended several times and each time - no priest. After awhile we gave up trying and the scheduled confessions were canceled due to ‘lack of interest’.

 

[Carolus_Martell]

Wow this is such a sad story… I did not realize how lucky I was to have such a good parish priest who has so many confession times on the schedule (and still insists that any time I need a confession to come see him)

My thoughts exactly.

 

[Wampa]

OP, I’m sorry to hear your story. Keep at it! It sounds like the people in your parish don’t appreciate the sacrament of reconciliation, but it sounds to me like you’re doing the right thing. I don’t think there is anything wrong with going elsewhere for confession.

I live in a metro area and am blessed to have priests at my parish who are incredible confessors (with set confession schedules), but I also know people here who travel to other parishes for confession for various legitimate reasons.

Keep plugging away! We’re rooting for you

 

[babochka]

I, too, am sorry that you’re going through all this. It is a tragedy that we, as Catholics, regularly fail to live up to the ideals of our faith, and more so when those who fail are priests and even Bishops. I’ve heard your story over and over again, but thankfully it is not a universal experience. Pope Francis has spoken repeatedly, in the short days of his pontificate, about the value of confession. Finding a good confessor is such a blessing, and I forget sometimes that those in rural areas and small towns, the choices can be very limited. I encourage you to try the Byzantine priest. (Just to warn you, though, as somebody else already said, all of our confessions are face to face). You might find that he is more available in general, as Byzantine parishes tend to be smaller. It is unlikely that you’ll have to go through a parish secretary to make the appointment, as well, in case that has been an issue with scheduling confessions. Be sure to explain your work situation and schedule to the priest when making an appointment. All I can say is that you should persevere. If the Bishop doesn’t value the sacrament, it is not a surprise that his priests do not. Pray for your bishop and the priests.

 

[Elizabeth502]

First off, don’t listen to anyone who tells you that you have to go to Confession at your own parish.

Just as the Mass is universal, celebrated globally, so is the Sacament of Penance/Reconciliation. There is no requirement that one attend in any particular parish. In fact, it actually opposes the theology of both the ministerial priesthood and sacramental theology to imply that there’s something special or better or more efficacious about going to your own parish for it. Jesus is everywhere, and it is HE who forgives our sins, through any validly ordained Catholic priest, not a particular parish priest.

 

[brian614]

There is NOTHING WRONG with traveling to confess to a priest in another parish, ESPECIALLY when you have already established him as your regular confessor. Don’t listen to anyone who says that you “have to” confess in your own parish, or even that you “should” or it’s “better”. If you have a confessor, stick with him.

Agreed

 

[TheRealJuliane]

When I schedule confession I ALWAYS rely on the priest to choose a time that’s good for him and then I take the day off work so I can go (I work Mon-Sat, 9-9). I don’t mind missing work for confession and I try to be as accommodating to the priests schedule as possible. It’s always on weekdays (Thursday, Friday, Monday… whatever day he chooses)

I understand having emergencies… but every time? There’s a reason I did not come here the first time it happened, or the second, or the third…

It took three years before it built to such a point that I needed to come seek some guidance.

I hope I’m not being unreasonable. I really do.

Oh my gosh, OF COURSE you’re not being unreasonable!!! I’d be going out of my mind if I could only confess by driving 3 hours once a month!!! One poster had the suggestion to see if there are any priestly orders in your area, and I thought that was a great idea.

But no, you’re not being unreasonable. I think it’s been really rude for the priests to stand you up this way. I guess there are older priests who think like my husband does “I don’t commit mortal sins so what’s the big deal?”