Confused in love

[IwfJ]

Hi i’m new here, I have a problem in love. I Love this sweet lady she has two children,and i tell her I love her i show affection and i show the two children affection so much that i neglected my own children, upon realizing this i also know that her son has a bullying problem he bullies my son. Her son is 12 and my son is 6 so I talk to her about it.to make a long story short i snapped and had this lady and her two children removed from my house by the police. now that their gone i realized I was wrong in my method and should have done it another way. The sweet lady is still talking to me and we want to be together. how can we fix this problem? and did I do the right thing I feel miserable. I asked JESUS to forgive me. i don’t live in a catholic area so i hope he can help me here.

 

[whatevergirl]

***I have a few questions, if I may ask.

Are you not married to this woman? And, why were the police brought into the picture? That seems like things were completely out of hand. Are you living together, or was she just over visiting with the kids?***

 

[odopa]

Hi i’m new here, I have a problem in love. I Love this sweet lady she has two children,and i tell her I love her i show affection and i show the two children affection so much that i neglected my own children, upon realizing this i also know that her son has a bullying problem he bullies my son. Her son is 12 and my son is 6 so I talk to her about it.to make a long story short i snapped and had this lady and her two children removed from my house by the police. now that their gone i realized I was wrong in my method and should have done it another way. The sweet lady is still talking to me and we want to be together. how can we fix this problem? and did I do the right thing I feel miserable. I asked JESUS to forgive me. i don’t live in a catholic area so i hope he can help me here.

Hi,
Feeling miserable means your conscience is already found your action questionable. I will suggest you call the lady out to a nice, serene area away from any interruptions and talk this over. You can start by pouring out how you feel about the whole unfortunate incident and asking for her pardon. Then, move on to discuss other plausible solutions to the dilemma. Always, ensure there is communication between you and the lady. Do not let arrogance, shyness or any obstacle block you from communicating. Also, watch your anger, do not take any actions in anger untill you have calmed down. Love is precious, not everyone finds it, if you have found it, keep it and let it grow.

love and peace
odopa

 

[kesa82]

As much as you love her you should not live with her unless, until, you are married.

If you marry, I think your prorities should be God first, MARRIAGE SECOND , and THEN children, both yours and hers.

A marriage is like a ship that because of its peculiar constitution requires two captains.
Being that it must have two captains, these two captains must strive with all of their might to work in harmony, to come as close as possible to acting and being as one person.
You must put her first, AND she must put you first.
If one captain pursues this policy, and the other captain pursues that policy, and one captain represents this faction of the crew, and the other represents that faction of the crew, they are all sailing into trouble.
Let the captains ( you and her ) represent each other. And let the crew ( the children ) represent themselves.
This is not selfishness, this is common sense.
" Your " children ? " Her " children? :tsktsk:
Nope, that isn’t going to work.
Love will not transcend this practical matter of authority. You cannot be second- guessing yourself, or having her second-guess you , in your dealing with the chidren. And vice versa.
If you cannot except her as master of your children, if she cannot except you as master of her children, then you must agree to live apart as platonic friends.
Better that, than the inevitable divorce, or the constant low-level internal civil war if you do avoid a break up. .

I might add that both sets of children may initially resent this new ordering of authorities and allegiances, maybe they will never except it. That however is subject to their judgement, never yours. But you do them no favors by standing as their advocate against your union with her. What good does it do you to throw a drowning man a life preserver when the boat you are standing in is sinking?

 

[IwfJ]

***I have a few questions, if I may ask.

Are you not married to this woman? And, why were the police brought into the picture? That seems like things were completely out of hand. Are you living together, or was she just over visiting with the kids?***

This is to whatevergirl, No were not married, but we were engaged. And yes we were living together. We were taking two broken families and trying to make it one happy family, it can be done; we were to be married this July. I need help, I have no one here to talk to I feel so alone, I love this girl and would do anything for her, but her guilt for her children from past relationships abuse has consumed her to the point that I can’t say anything to them or she flips. Her son has a bad temper and kick’s walls beats on furniture harasses the other children. I told her I couldn’t take it anymore, when I got no response from her I had to take matters into my own hands and had the police escort them out of this house. I snapped was ready for a nervous breakdown and couldn’t let that happen I still had my two children here. I do love this lady and I feel as if I didn’t do enough to resolve this problem. On her defense she has chronic anxiety and panic disorder. In which her son knows she can’t handle to much stress and plays on this to get his own way. Were still talking and are trying to resolve these issues so I know she loves me. But I need help showing her how much I Love her and how sorry I am. I’ve watched a movie called fireproof. Which got me thinking that I didn’t show her enough Love? And GOD is first in my heart, but I think I put the children second and that may be my down fall. So please help me. Any advice would be helpful. Thank-you all for your help in advance.

 

[IwfJ]

Hi,
Feeling miserable means your conscience is already found your action questionable. I will suggest you call the lady out to a nice, serene area away from any interruptions and talk this over. You can start by pouring out how you feel about the whole unfortunate incident and asking for her pardon. Then, move on to discuss other plausible solutions to the dilemma. Always, ensure there is communication between you and the lady. Do not let arrogance, shyness or any obstacle block you from communicating. Also, watch your anger, do not take any actions in anger untill you have calmed down. Love is precious, not everyone finds it, if you have found it, keep it and let it grow.

love and peace
odopa

I know the love is there but were 4 hours away from each other and no transportation. We talk on the phone and internet we want more but money is tight so where do we go from here.

 

[kage_ar]

The best thing you can do for your children, yourself, and all you know is to come to know Jesus in His Holy Church. Look in the phonebook and find your nearest Catholic Church. Make an appointment to go in and speak to the Priest about coming into the Church.

There will be a time of study and prayer, and you will come to know the grace that only comes from the Sacraments.

After that, you will be better equipped to raise your children and be an example to the rest of the world.

Living in sin, dragging children into a sinful living relationship is NOT what God wants for your life. Turn your life over to him, come to His Church.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

She seems to have more problems than you have solutions for.

I disagree with the other poster. Your first obligation is to God. Right now, you already have young children. Your second obligation is to them. Until they are old enough to take care of themselves, you must put them before your needs.

How would you feel if you put your son in a situation where he was bullied for the next 12 years and he fled your home at age 18 and hated you because you chose a wife over his safety and he hated you for it?

You were right to have the woman and her children taken from the house.

She needs to prove her love for you. Not by living together before marriage. You cannot build a solid family on a sinful foundation.

She can prove her love for you by getting counseling to get over the issues that prevent her from being a good mother. IF she cannot mother her own children, you will not be able to trust her with yours.

Secondly, she needs to get her son into counselling. He is unmanageable and will becomea bigger and bigger danger to your children. His bully issues are because he has deep insecurities. He is manipulative and preys on little kids and uses his mother’s panic attacks against her to his own advantage. At this rate he’s going to grow up to be a sociopath. He needs more help than you can give him. Fatherless boys are often like this. If his mother won’t let you step in and father him like he needs, there is no hope for any marriage.

You cannot create a whole family from a bunch of broken pieces like this. One of the biggest threats to second marriages is children from the first marriages. Love does not conquer all. And kids have a way of killing that love if there is resentment and hostility there.

If she cannot resolve the problems in her life, you cannot rescue her. She and her son will drag you down. Take care of your own children first. Find a woman closer in distance to you. Don’t move in with her. Spend lots of time and make sure the kids get along before you try to make a family.

I’m sorry I can’t tell you what you want to hear. You cannot force someone to solve their own problems. Her guilt is going to cause her to let her son victimize your children. You cannot allow that. And she really doesn’t trust you or she wouldn’t flip when you try to talk reason to her. She ignored you when you told her there was a problem. Her emotional issues are no excuse. When you’re 12 you can use it as an excuse. When you’re an adult it is your responsibility to find adult solutions. You have already found out that when you tell her you need her to do something for your own mental well-being she will say no. Be glad you did not marry her. Stop apologizing. She should be getting her kids help before she concentrates on another relationship with another man. She’s had too many and she’s dragging her kids from one unstable relationship to another and wondering why they have emotional problems. You sound like a good man. And you did try. She didn’t do her part. Her kids should come before new relationships.

Say goodbye unless she gets help. Make sure you see progress before you restart any engagement. Her son is in complete control and she allows it. He didn’t want you telling him what to do and so he manipulated the situation till it broke up. Do you really want him in the middle of any marriage pulling the strings? Because he will. His mother will allow it.

Love your own children more than this woman. Right now they need that. You don’t say the part their mother plays in thier lives, but as a mother myself, I would really be angry if my ex husband put my kids in a situation where they were bullied by a stepbrother and my ex allowed it just to “keep the peace.”

 

[whatevergirl]

***Liberano’s advice is right on the money, as usual. I would take this advice, iwfj.
Sorry you’re going through a rough time, but sometimes, our problems are brought upon ourselves by jumping too quickly into situations that are not healthy for us to begin with…take a step back, and really take a look at the situation before you continue moving forward. Life can be hard, but sometimes, we make it harder than it has to be. I say that with Christian charity, please know.

I will keep you and your fiancee in my prayers. ***

 

[Highwayhound]

Hi i’m new here, I have a problem in love. I Love this sweet lady she has two children,and i tell her I love her i show affection and i show the two children affection so much that i neglected my own children, upon realizing this i also know that her son has a bullying problem he bullies my son. Her son is 12 and my son is 6 so I talk to her about it.to make a long story short i snapped and had this lady and her two children removed from my house by the police. now that their gone i realized I was wrong in my method and should have done it another way. The sweet lady is still talking to me and we want to be together. how can we fix this problem? and did I do the right thing I feel miserable. I asked JESUS to forgive me. i don’t live in a catholic area so i hope he can help me here.

I would say your first obligation would be to your son. He has no choice in this matter. He should feel secure whenever he is in your home. If there is another child that threatens that security - tough. Your boy should come first. Your love should be focused on your son and not a woman.

So yes you did the right thing.

God bless

 

[idrum677]

I’m also going to second Liberanosalamo’s advice. Your children are your priority. Make sure they are getting the love and attention you can give.

We are given our children as a gift from God. What he ask’s us in return is to make sure we do all we can to get them back to Him someday. We do that by teaching them the faith and living it ourselves. We can’t tell our children one thing and then do the exact opposite. Many people overlook this.

But he that shall scandalize one of these little ones that believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone should be hanged about his neck, and that he should be drowned in the depth of the sea.
–Mt 18, 6

Sounds kind of harsh, but that what God expects of us. I know I will have a lot to answer for when I die, but the one thing I hope I can tell Jesus is that I’ve done my best for my children to lead them to Him.

Love your children, love your God, and have love for yourself too. Talk to a priest and return to the sacraments. You won’t regret it. God Bless.

 

[IwfJ]

She seems to have more problems than you have solutions for.

I disagree with the other poster. Your first obligation is to God. Right now, you already have young children. Your second obligation is to them. Until they are old enough to take care of themselves, you must put them before your needs.

How would you feel if you put your son in a situation where he was bullied for the next 12 years and he fled your home at age 18 and hated you because you chose a wife over his safety and he hated you for it?

You were right to have the woman and her children taken from the house.

She needs to prove her love for you. Not by living together before marriage. You cannot build a solid family on a sinful foundation.

She can prove her love for you by getting counseling to get over the issues that prevent her from being a good mother. IF she cannot mother her own children, you will not be able to trust her with yours.

Secondly, she needs to get her son into counselling. He is unmanageable and will becomea bigger and bigger danger to your children. His bully issues are because he has deep insecurities. He is manipulative and preys on little kids and uses his mother’s panic attacks against her to his own advantage. At this rate he’s going to grow up to be a sociopath. He needs more help than you can give him. Fatherless boys are often like this. If his mother won’t let you step in and father him like he needs, there is no hope for any marriage.

You cannot create a whole family from a bunch of broken pieces like this. One of the biggest threats to second marriages is children from the first marriages. Love does not conquer all. And kids have a way of killing that love if there is resentment and hostility there.

If she cannot resolve the problems in her life, you cannot rescue her. She and her son will drag you down. Take care of your own children first. Find a woman closer in distance to you. Don’t move in with her. Spend lots of time and make sure the kids get along before you try to make a family.

I’m sorry I can’t tell you what you want to hear. You cannot force someone to solve their own problems. Her guilt is going to cause her to let her son victimize your children. You cannot allow that. And she really doesn’t trust you or she wouldn’t flip when you try to talk reason to her. She ignored you when you told her there was a problem. Her emotional issues are no excuse. When you’re 12 you can use it as an excuse. When you’re an adult it is your responsibility to find adult solutions. You have already found out that when you tell her you need her to do something for your own mental well-being she will say no. Be glad you did not marry her. Stop apologizing. She should be getting her kids help before she concentrates on another relationship with another man. She’s had too many and she’s dragging her kids from one unstable relationship to another and wondering why they have emotional problems. You sound like a good man. And you did try. She didn’t do her part. Her kids should come before new relationships.

Say goodbye unless she gets help. Make sure you see progress before you restart any engagement. Her son is in complete control and she allows it. He didn’t want you telling him what to do and so he manipulated the situation till it broke up. Do you really want him in the middle of any marriage pulling the strings? Because he will. His mother will allow it.

Love your own children more than this woman. Right now they need that. You don’t say the part their mother plays in thier lives, but as a mother myself, I would really be angry if my ex husband put my kids in a situation where they were bullied by a stepbrother and my ex allowed it just to “keep the peace.”

their own mother left us for a man she met on the internet, and just didn’t put in any thought for her own children.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

How sad. But you need to be doubly careful that you do not marry someone where it may dissolve because of outside stressors (like the bully kid) because you don’t want your children to lose two mother figures in a lifetime. It could set them up for horrendous insecurities with women when they grow up.

Be very careful.

 

[chevalier]

You need to protect your children. You have a duty there. Bullying tendencies in children need not be punished but need to be reacted to. It is not acceptable to allow one’s child to bully other children and to damage equipment.

Suffice to say I can recall some examples from my own life and I can’t recommend marrying a person who won’t take control of a bullying child.

As for calling the police, if you did it to protect the safety of your children, yourself or your property, then you don’t need to worry or apologise. If you did it for the wrong reasons, then I assume you took the matter to your confessor, but this still doesn’t mean it would be bad to do the same for the right reasons, i.e. what the police were hired for - keeping order, protecting people, protecting property.

And talk to your children. I’m sure they need it. Especially after the show with the bullying boy. You may need to do some coaxing for them to open up and want to talk to you.

 

[grandiosa]

You neglected your own children in favor of an unhealthy woman and her problem children? That was WRONG.

There is nothing healthy or beneficial to anyone in a relationship that causes that to happen. You forced your children to live with a violent bully because you wanted someone. That is WRONG.

You need to focus on raising your own kids the best you can, and you need to ask their forgiveness for forcing that upon them. And for turning your attention away from them, your first Earthly obligation, in favor of something you desire but do not need.

If she has that many mental health problems and cannot handle her own children with any effectiveness, she is not ready to be anyone’s wife. She needs to get herself and her situation under control before she can offer anything to anyone else.

It does not matter what your former wife did. You are still obligated to raise your children the best you can. You have demonstrated, as well, that you have no skill at all in choosing a suitable mate. I’m still stuck on the fact that you forced your children to live with someone violent who bullies them… do you realize how serious that is, what damage you have done to them? They cannot even trust their own father to keep them safe and keep threats away from them!

I think you should focus on your children until they are 18. Only after that should you even think about having a relationship with a woman.

And BTW, what you had with her was not love. Love is life-giving, it brings out the best people have. It supports health and gets people closer to God. It helps them be better parents. What you had with this woman was a mutual unhealthy dependence, not love.