Confused

[seeker_of_God]

I’m pretty confused, and just need to write this down and perhaps get some suggestions or encouragement. Sorry for the length

I’ve been feeling a possible calling toward the Franciscans. A more ordered, structured, spiritually disciplined life appeals to me a lot, and I’m in the inquiry stage of the Confraternity of Penitents to see if such a life would be for me. I can think of nothing better than dedicating my life to God, in whatever manner He deems best.

I posted in this thread that I didn’t really know what else there was to do; I couldn’t imagine any other life than either priesthood or religious life. It’s still really appealing, but also now a different calling has been awakened in me that I suppressed for a while.

I’ve been playing the piano since I was five years old, and according to others, they would say I’m exceptional at it. I love classical piano. I was in the music school at my university last semester, but got too hung up on perfection and got burned out, because I started to resent it. I avoided the piano after that for 5-6 months, until now.

The other day, I was at a Bible study, where we were discussing the gospel reading for this Sunday. I really felt like it was just for me, and it gave me quite the rude awakening, because I feel like that person who buried his talent because he was too afraid to do anything with it. I’ve been rather empty and depressed for the past couple of months, and feel like maybe it was largely because music was missing from my life. I feel like music can serve as worship to God, can be offered up to Him to glorify Him. Maybe that was the missing component last semester, when my piano teacher said I have the form down excellently, but need to work on expression.

I honestly feel like I was being guided to this, because of that, and because earlier in the day, I had ran into the lady who interviewed me for the music school originally, and said I should keep playing the piano, because she said I am too good at it to give it up. It’s natural for me, and always has been.

So now I feel two separate callings, and am pretty confused. I don’t know what God wants with me. I feel like He wouldn’t give me such a gift if He didn’t want me to use it. I also feel like I couldn’t live without having that in my life.

I’m also thinking of looking into the sacred music program, and maybe doing a little of both. I’d have to learn how to play the organ for that, but that’s OK.

Anyway I feel like I have two, almost opposing loves. Maybe I’m only called to a secular order; I don’t know. I really felt like I had a genuine calling though, but I feel the same about music.

I also, when reading about traditional Catholic families, sometimes long for that, though I say to myself it’s probably an impossible ideal, so dismiss it. Things are always nicer in theory than in practice. I often fall too much for romanticism. Plus, how would I find anyone with high moral standards, as I try to maintain? It’s practically non-existent in college, where I am now.

That’s beside the point, though, though I’m not sure how much of a point I have. I think it is that I have many things fighting for attention in my heart, and I don’t know yet how God will guide me to resolve them. I know that He made me for a specific purpose, but I have no idea what it is. Maybe I’m being too idealistic thinking I could do something with music. Or maybe it is really what He wants me to do, and I should follow along and see what He has in mind.

As I try to wrap up this post, I realize perhaps there is not really much of an underlying question, and so am tempted to delete it, but I really feel I need to write this down. Maybe someone can find an underlying question, and respond to it. Or, I could settle for simple encouragement.

Either way, thanks for taking the time to read this.

 

[Jon_S]

The Pope plays the piano. I don’t see why you would have to quit playing to be a religious.

 

[seeker_of_God]

The Pope plays the piano. I don’t see why you would have to quit playing to be a religious.

If anything, that would mean I could be a priest and still pursue music, but I don’t see how religious life could work with that.

 

[ack]

Well, you could look into joining a community like the Canons Regular of St. John Cantius ( cantius.org/ ). (This is a community of religious priests and brothers devoted to music and the liturgy.)

But, aside from that, it seems like you could find a place in almost any order where you could be a priest or brother and still play music. Someone needs to play music at Mass, after all.

If anything, that would mean I could be a priest and still pursue music, but I don’t see how religious life could work with that.

 

[Shlomey]

Monasteries need musicians too
I would simply ask the monastery you want to join…

 

[seeker_of_God]

Monasteries need musicians too
I would simply ask the monastery you want to join…

Oh really? I had no idea.

I guess I’ll just follow God’s lead and see what happens, then.

I’ve been back at the piano for a few days now and it feels great. I’m relearning the piano concerto I was supposed to learn in the summer, that I forgot.

 

[tuviskazinai]

I am afraid I don’t have any great answers, but wanted to wish you the best in discerning this. I have felt a similar tension: I studied film in college and thought for a while I wanted to become a filmmaker, and that would certainly be a tough one for a priest to pull off! haha.

So, prayers for you in solidarity.
There is this quotation by the Romantic poet Novalis: “A true poet is always a priest.” Which is very 19th century German Romantic indeed…I would prefer to say that a true priest is always a poet, or at any rate an artist, because he spends his life spreading the most beautiful Light in the world. I am sure that your artistic side would only illuminate your ministry as a priest…of course I hope that if you did choose a religious life, you would be able to find a way to continue composing music, too.
AMDG

 

[seeker_of_God]

I am afraid I don’t have any great answers, but wanted to wish you the best in discerning this. I have felt a similar tension: I studied film in college and thought for a while I wanted to become a filmmaker, and that would certainly be a tough one for a priest to pull off! haha.

So, prayers for you in solidarity.
There is this quotation by the Romantic poet Novalis: “A true poet is always a priest.” Which is very 19th century German Romantic indeed…I would prefer to say that a true priest is always a poet, or at any rate an artist, because he spends his life spreading the most beautiful Light in the world. I am sure that your artistic side would only illuminate your ministry as a priest…of course I hope that if you did choose a religious life, you would be able to find a way to continue composing music, too.
AMDG

Thanks a lot for the reply.

Yeah, I’m just not sure what I should be doing yet. I know right now it seems like I’m supposed to be in music, so that’s what I’m doing. I guess I’m just leaving the future up to God.

I have many opposing longings. I want to serve God in the highest capacity. I want to perform classical music. I sometimes feel like I really want a family.

Just to clarify, I don’t compose; I perform classical music.

 

[tuviskazinai]

Just to clarify, I don’t compose; I perform classical music.

Ah, I gotcha. I read that too quickly…and then realized after I’d posted that you hadn’t said you composed…

I played the piano many years ago…I was never very good, but all the same, I wish I could get back into it. I wish you the best of luck and happiness!

 

[Shike]

Ciao!

Here’s my $0.02 for what it’s worth (not much these days )

Try to keep in mind a hierarchy in vocational discernment.
Something like the priesthood, religious life, and marriage could
be somewhat put together… these are things that help define who you are
and not necessarily what you do.

Yes, there is doing involved in these vocations and it is important, and where you fall will boost or diminish the opportunities for doing and influence the things you do.

But.

Being comes before doing.

Serving God by playing music for him seems like a wonderful thing to do, but remember to keep it in perspective (it is also entirely possible that your developement of musical skills helps with whatever God has planned for you, even if it doesn’t involve playing piano).

peace,
Michael

 

[seeker_of_God]

Ciao!

Here’s my $0.02 for what it’s worth (not much these days )

Try to keep in mind a hierarchy in vocational discernment.
Something like the priesthood, religious life, and marriage could
be somewhat put together… these are things that help define who you are
and not necessarily what you do.

Yes, there is doing involved in these vocations and it is important, and where you fall will boost or diminish the opportunities for doing and influence the things you do.

But.

Being comes before doing.

Serving God by playing music for him seems like a wonderful thing to do, but remember to keep it in perspective (it is also entirely possible that your developement of musical skills helps with whatever God has planned for you, even if it doesn’t involve playing piano).

peace,
Michael

I see what you mean, but some of them are mutually exclusive. If i’m a priest or religious, I can’t really be a concert pianist, especially one who travels and plays at different locations.

I also can’t see what else he would want me to do. I’ve had this gift since I was five years old, and it has always come so naturally. I don’t see why I would be given this, and not be supposed to do something with it, as it seems like a waste otherwise. Music has always been my life for as long as I can remember. I tried to abandon it earlier this year, but I came to realize that I couldn’t do it.

 

[Shike]

I see what you mean, but some of them are mutually exclusive. If i’m a priest or religious, I can’t really be a concert pianist, especially one who travels and plays at different locations.

I also can’t see what else he would want me to do. I’ve had this gift since I was five years old, and it has always come so naturally. I don’t see why I would be given this, and not be supposed to do something with it, as it seems like a waste otherwise. Music has always been my life for as long as I can remember. I tried to abandon it earlier this year, but I came to realize that I couldn’t do it.

Right, I understand. My only point was to suggest somewhat detaching yourself from music (in thought) and try to discern if marriage or etc. is right for you.

If i’m a priest or religious, I can’t really be a concert pianist, especially one who travels and plays at different locations.

Right, so if you find that God is calling you to the religious life… it’s probably a good sign that you shouldn’t be a concert pianist, even if you were natually talented in the field.

My point, take it or leave it, is to discern the “big ones” first and then let the chips fall where they may. They are the primary modes of being that do define very much how we are to love God (perhaps I could have said more of that in the first message)… and loving God is above all. But you love God firstly by who you are, and secondly by what you do.

Whatever happens, I hope you have a blessed adventure with God!

peace,
Michael

 

[ack]

Again, I encourage you to talk with someone at St. John Cantius.

This religious order is full of men with incredible musical talent, and they’ve undoubtedly felt the same concerns as you.

I’m just using them as an example that it CAN be done.

I see what you mean, but some of them are mutually exclusive. If i’m a priest or religious, I can’t really be a concert pianist, especially one who travels and plays at different locations.

I also can’t see what else he would want me to do. I’ve had this gift since I was five years old, and it has always come so naturally. I don’t see why I would be given this, and not be supposed to do something with it, as it seems like a waste otherwise. Music has always been my life for as long as I can remember. I tried to abandon it earlier this year, but I came to realize that I couldn’t do it.