Confusing Relationship

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krackatoa

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I need help badly and yes, I will be talking to a priest about this soon but I wanted to get some (name removed by moderator)ut on this. I am in a chaste relationship with my BF and have been for 2 years. We are both practicing Catholics in good standing. We live together and a priest said based on our circumstances (poverty, health issues), it was ok. Another priest said he had some concerns about it though, because of how it might look to others. However, if we were to live separately, he would be homeless, as he has no job.

Also, he is suicidally depressed and says I am his only reason for getting up in the morning. He will not go to a therapist or a priest for counseling. I deal with constant moodiness and neediness from him and he won’t reach out to anyone else but me. I’m happy he went to confession during lent and now receives communion. He reads the Bible daily as well as literature on the saints. He has an active prayer life. He gave up anger for lent and seriously only showed anger once during all that time. He is trying very hard to do better, as he fights extreme depression.

For a long time he’s been doing great, but from time to time becomes intensely miserable and verges on impossible to live with. Do I want to marry him? Yes. Now? Maybe not, as he has some issues to work out first. Sickness and in health? Well, I’m doing it now. But, I’m just so sick of feeling responsible for him. I always pray and hold out hope for his improvement and he always does improve. It’s slow but it is definitely happening.

Codependency on my part? Or a productive situation that offers lots of challenges? Can anyone suggest anything helpful?:(:confused:
 
Hi krackatoa! Can you pm me about this topic? I can write you a better reply there in a bit!
 
This guy is not good husband material. He has no means to support you (or any children that will come along), he has constant moodiness, clings to you and has anger issues. If you are overwhelmed by feeling responsible for him now, it will be 10 times worse after 10 years of marriage; you will end up resenting him He needs long term thearpy, a seriously depressed person cannot have a healty relationship with anyone until they deal with that illness.
 
From what you’ve posted here, I cannot emphasize enough that you should not marry this person at this point in time. The issues you’ve mentioned must be resolved prior to marriage, because they tend to get much worse after marriage. The matters shouldn’t be addressed simply for his own sake, but also yours. Not addressing them is not only a sign of disrespect for himself, but also for you.
 
It is admirable for you to take him in, but this does not at all sound like a healthy relationship. You can completely love and care for someone, but that does not mean they are capable of the vocation of marriage.

I hate to say it, but you can not save him. You can be his friend and love him, but marrying him would be a bad idea given his current state.
 
What are you getting out of this relationship? Are you his therapist, his nurse, his mother? You are not responsible for his mental state! He is making you feel responsible for his very life! You are not!

I say get out when you can, as soon as you can.
 
Just be careful, however, not to base important decisions off advice of strangers on the internet You’re the only person who can really decide this.
People posting replies are just going off the description you gave; you’re the only person who really knows the situation, the relationship, the persons. Of course, only you know how much you love him, and whether this will mean love from a distance, or from up close…
 
Stellaeres said:
Just be careful, however, not to base important decisions off advice of strangers on the internet You’re the only person who can really decide this.
People posting replies are just going off the description you gave; you’re the only person who really knows the situation, the relationship, the persons. Of course, only you know how much you love him, and whether this will mean love from a distance, or from up close…
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That being said: please, please consult a mental health professional ASAP. They will advise you best how to proceed with the situation.
 
Stellaeres said:
Just be careful, however, not to base important decisions off advice of strangers on the internet You’re the only person who can really decide this.
People posting replies are just going off the description you gave; you’re the only person who really knows the situation, the relationship, the persons. Of course, only you know how much you love him, and whether this will mean love from a distance, or from up close…
Click to expand...
It’s true that only each person can decide there own situations. Also remember that some of those giving advice have been in this situation. I married someone with severe underlying issues. The issue was not addressed prior to marriage, and now I am no longer married to that person.
 
krackatoa said:
However, if we were to live separately, he would be homeless, as he has no job.

Also, he is suicidally depressed and says I am his only reason for getting up in the morning. He will not go to a therapist or a priest for counseling. I deal with constant moodiness and neediness from him and he won’t reach out to anyone else but me.
I personally have a hard time with someone that will admit there is a problem but then they refuse to do anything about it. I am not sure how he reaches out to you. If he does indeed talk to you about the reasons for his depression, it is not fair that he won’t go to see a therapist. Unless you are a therapist, he is sort of holding you hostage. He knows that you love him and don’t want to hurt him or leave him homeless. But you are actually enabling him to not get help by “being there” for him.

He is trying very hard to do better In what way? By not getting angry? That it not enough. He needs to get help and to get a job and be able to support himself for you to even consider marrying him.

For a long time he’s been doing great, Again, in what way is he doing great?

Do I want to marry him? Yes. Now? Maybe not, as he has some issues to work out first.Yes, he does. I am concerned that he is not wishing to work these out for himself. You cannot be the reason he gets help. It has to be for himself in order for it to be real, to be trusted.

But, I’m just so sick of feeling responsible for him.Because he is doing nothing to better himself. It is not your job to take care of him. You are not his mother. You are not even his sister.

Codependency on my part? Or guilt about ending it while he is in the state he is in…
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Has he always been like this? How were things in the beginning? And if you don’t mind my asking, how old are both of you?
 
Stellaeres said:
Just be careful, however, not to base important decisions off advice of strangers on the internet You’re the only person who can really decide this.
People posting replies are just going off the description you gave; you’re the only person who really knows the situation, the relationship, the persons. Of course, only you know how much you love him, and whether this will mean love from a distance, or from up close…
Click to expand...
I have seen a lot of posts like this lately.

What some posters seem to forget is that sometimes people come here to get opinions just as they would if they had friends or family to ask. In some cases, they have no one else to ask. I doubt that many people are going to do something because some anonymous person on the internet told them to. But we can offer different points of view or even suggestions that the OP may not have thought of, so she can form her own course of action.

Yes, only the OP can decide what to so. But if she is to completely decide on her own, she wouldn’t have come here asking for our thoughts. 🙂 I do not mean to derail this thread.
 
Stellaeres said:
Just be careful, however, not to base important decisions off advice of strangers on the internet You’re the only person who can really decide this.
People posting replies are just going off the description you gave; you’re the only person who really knows the situation, the relationship, the persons. Of course, only you know how much you love him, and whether this will mean love from a distance, or from up close…
Click to expand...
We may be strangers, but most of us are also real people, with real experience, that can help others to understand their own situations. I say “most of us” because there are also some posters who deliberately come to CAF to stir up trouble. There is a label for those kinds of people on the internet and just about everyone knows what it is.

These kinds of extreme situations posted here can be real, or sometimes, they are not. Either way, if the OP gets a new viewpoint from our comments, or if “lurkers” see it and relate to it, we have done a type of service.

On posts like this one, someone usually reminds the OP to get help in dealing with someone who is mentally ill and says they are suicidal. Suicide threats should never be taken lightly, especially from someone who is depressed. The OP’s roommate/boyfriend should get treatment, one way or another.

OP, if there is some family member of your roommate (I am not going to call him a boyfriend because he does not seem to be fulfilling any of the qualities of that sort of relationship) that you can notify, I would do that right away. These things that he says must be taken seriously, and you are not equipped to deal with such a person. And perchance if he is NOT truly suicidal, then he is manipulating you in a very extreme way. He should be treated as if he were telling the absolute truth, that he is suicidal and depressed. Contact a concerned member of his family right away. He does not have the right to control your life like this. It would be one thing if he were in a bad patch and was seeking treatment. If that were the case, and he truly loved you and cared for you, I would never advise you to leave or kick him out. But someone who says he is depressed and suicidal yet will not seek treatment is a sick, sick person.

Please get help with this, OP.
 
I suffer from severe mental illness, and I go through periods were I am all but impossible to live with. There have even been times when I was unable to work or go to school. My fiance has looked past all of that, been there for me, helped me, and been strong enough for both of us when I have no strength left in me. Despite my illnesses he sees who I am, and has committed himself to a life with me, in sickness and in health.

The difference in our two situations is that I never stop trying. Even at my worst I fight every day to be safe, happy, and productive. When I went through my worst bout of anxiety I could not leave the house. But I still did phone counseling with my therapist. I still took my meds. I still tried to take baby steps every day as my therapist told me to do. I was never content with checking out of life and letting my fiance live for both of us. I know that he would have taken care of me forever if that’s what it came down to, but I was never selfish enough to just let that happen without a fight. We both deserve the best I can give and the best life I can live. Mental illness is one thing. Rolling over and letting it ruin you without a fight is another, and doing that is unfair to not only you, but the people who love and care for you.

In short, if he won’t get help and do whatever it takes to be the best person he can be, get out. Now. If he won’t try then you shouldn’t. And no matter what you do he cannot get better until he decides to fight. He will only drag you down.
 
krackatoa said:
Also, he is suicidally depressed and says I am his only reason for getting up in the morning. He will not go to a therapist or a priest for counseling.
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If he is truly has suicidal ideation, it is imperative that you seek professional intervention for him ASAP. If you live in the US, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255 and would be a good place to start. If you think he’s in crises, call 911 (or whatever the emergency number is in your locale) or get him to an emergency room.

You cannot cope with this situation alone. While members of online forums like this one can give your moral support, no one here can - nor indeed should - help you work out the kind of intensive mental health intervention your boyfriend needs.

Think of it this way: if your boyfriend were diabetic and refused to take insulin, would you do whatever you needed to do to get him to a doctor? If he had a seizure disorder and refused to take his medication for it, would you do whatever you needed to do to get him to a doctor? The answers are obviously yes, and mental health disorders are no different. By getting him help by whatever means necessary now, you very well be saving his life.

Once you have your boyfriend safe (e.g., he’s no longer in a mental state where he’s contemplating suicide), you need face-to-face, real-life counseling to help you sort out how the situation you’ve described got as bad as it did as well as develop coping and communication strategies so you don’t allow yourself to get into a situation like the one you’ve described again.

Put thoughts of marriage on the far, far back burner for now. For one thing, no priest is going to marry someone who’s suicidally depressed. Make sure your boyfriend gets professional help first, even if it means you dial 9-1-1 and have him placed on an involuntary psychiatric hold, and then make sure you get professional help for yourself.

Luna
 
Dear Op,

You have no oligation to this guy because he is not your husband nor he is your father or brother. If he is mentally ill , you should get in touch with his family members to get help from them and give him the support that he needs.
 
He is NOT your responsibility. If he is depressed/unable to work, you cannot save him. I would go to “Celebrate Recovery” in your area and potentially inquire within yourself, if you have a co-dependency issue. I have a “hero” and “saving the world” issue in where I take on more responsibility than is my own due to being abandoned after my parent’s divorce. I become overly-responsible for the other in my relationship.

Also maybe fear of losing what you have if you say no to some things or plant some boundaries down. Somewhere along the way, all these things: living together, no work, were acceptable to you and now they are adding up?

I’m just guessing in thin air.

Celebrate Recovery will help to start to see some issues. Also daily prayer/rosary and/or Chaplet of the Divine Mercy can help and give you graces.

Praise Jesus, he is the only one who can save us. If it’s in His Will, you must decide what to do from there.

Lily
 
TheRealJuliane said:
What are you getting out of this relationship? Are you his therapist, his nurse, his mother? You are not responsible for his mental state! He is making you feel responsible for his very life! You are not!

I say get out when you can, as soon as you can.
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👍 THIS.
 
Thanks everyone. I have a lot to think about. Not husband material? Likely, but not definitely. He may find work. His mental health has been progressively getting better, and so I can’t completely give up yet. He’s my best friend. What else can I say? My absolute, dearest best friend. So, that’s what I get out of it. Support, encouragement, help, hope. Time will tell. And prayer. And talking to my priest and my therapist. I was frustrated to the max yesterday and so I appreciate all who responded. These storms inevitably end and we go back to being basically happy… with the nagging concerns we’ve been discussing in the background, of course.
 
Krackatoa,

I can relate to you somewhat. I was involved in a relationship, that had to end due to the following reasons, with a woman not much younger than I that had, and still has, some serious issues with alcohol addiction and the like. She behaves like a 10 year old in a 22 year old body, except 10 year olds wouldn’t cut themselves and drink themselves into a near coma.

Of course, i didn’t live with her so i cant say i always had to take care of her. But she constantly had to be watched so she didn’t go on a drinking binge or cut herself, etc. I’m still in distant contact with her through text message, and i learned that she was expelled from college and is back living with her parents and will most likely be going to some kind of rehab. She basically hit rock bottom and now its a matter of life and death for her. She pretty much can not take care of herself without being in danger right now.

My advice would be to at least not live with the man. It is most likely creating a co-dependency for him, though perhaps not for you. I personally disagree with the comments that some have made that you should leave as soon as you can. Jumping ship right now may not be the best move. For both you and especially him. But, i would strongly suggest you not continue living with him. I dont think it would be wise to marry him any time soon.

I have a friend who married a drug addict, not even knowing he was addicted…and she is having a very difficult time. Different situation than yours, but the same premise. He became co-dependent on her and they just “had” to get married…not even inside the church unfortunately, though she is Catholic.

Think it through carefully…but do keep your own health and wellness in mind too.
 
Good points. Thanks, Sirach. I will keep that in mind. I have a lot to pray about, process and ponder and I do actually hope that he continues to heal and grow in the positive direction he’s started now.

I think he’s moving away from, rather than towards, more dependency. As long as that’s in process, I’m okay with things… while still evaluating the long-term picture with an open mind that faith and prayer may make a difference in our relationship’s survival and thriving.

I know, yes, I do have serious codependency issues, as does he. Deep Breath A day at a time and continual prayer for acceptance of the best possible outcome. Usually with codependency, both partners get worse and not better, I think.
 
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