Confusing relationship

[LongingSoul]

I appreciate very much everyone’s comments.

I have been through therapy, and it did me a lot of good. I am well aware of the impact of my past on my present. I suppose a person can’t get too much therapy but I got to a point where it felt redundant, and I was ready to start applying to life what I had learned. And in my past, I feel like God protected me from going down bad paths, especially in the search of love, by always making me keenly aware why I was seeking this or attracted to that. That is part of why this situation with D has disturbed my interior peace so much. I cannot shake the belief that this is unfinished. I was in a relationship for five years in my 20s, and have zero attachment or sense of nostalgia. But I cannot break or lessen this love for D, and I feel this sense of despair that this is going to be the defining relationship of my life. For a month, he seemed genuinely happy, and I was so happy and peaceful. There was an ease to this love. I can’t comprehend how a person can fake that. And if I allow myself self-pity, after experiencing suffering at a young age, and then to see this happy life in front of me, and then taken away, is heartbreaking. This relationship was the first time I ever really felt I was living my vocation.

Caroline, in a way it sounds like you are speaking more of an addiction to him than of love and you are in a cycle of thinking you can live with all the negatives because the highs are so good. It’s just not a way to live life though. A true vocation is a place that you feel confident and assured and innerly free… not confused. The inner turmoil he is causing you by his behaviour is spoiling all the other things in life for you and you don’t seem to be experiencing that inner freedom at all.

If you make the break once and for all, try and treat your attachment feelings as addiction rather than ‘one true love’ and allow yourself to be open to the love of others. Being in the grips of addiction of anything robs you of the pleasure of other little and wonderful things that make for a good and contented life.

God bless.

 

[Caroline723]

Thank you, everyone, for your thoughts and advice. You’ve given me a lot to consider.

 

[chevalier]

Caroline, I don’t want to make that guy into a bad person. What it looks like is that he’s ill. Emotionally ill, perhaps mentally. It may very well not be his fault, and he may very well be a wonderful person otherwise (or overall). But this doesn’t mean you need to subject yourself to his on and off patterns.

People with sociopathic or narcissistic tendencies can be charismatic or appear to be well-equipped with social graces. Like I said before, some can even have admirable qualities too. Also, a lot of such issues are shaped as a result of one’s childhood, and if your own had been somewhat turbulent, then you can sense some sort of kinship with him, drawing you closer and giving you an impression of understanding him (or mutual understanding).

And perhaps he might even be such a great person that it would be difficult to give up the thought of being married to him. Your current predicament with him may feel like it’s such a great loss compared to what if he didn’t have this problem. Yes. But thing is, he does have it. There are many people who’d be great to be with if they could manage to remain faithful to one person, or control their aggression, or even control their spending, or… just actually be free to marry. Because there are also many wonderful people who just aren’t free to marry. And then there are people who just aren’t into you, so it’s unrequited. Perhaps you need to start regarding this guy the same way.

Half a life ago, in my late teens, I had what seems in retrospect to have been the single most sensible prospect I’d ever had with a lady. I blew it (and due to a personality problem no less, where I imagined a could shoulder that wasn’t there); in fairness, she most probably could have played it out better herself too. Made me miserable for years, the memory of it still does, but given as she eventually married the guy she was in a relationship with by the time I learnt she actually wasn’t brushing me off… well, she was married, so off limits. Off limits cuts it.

You can’t expect yourself to forget it, nor can you expect yourself not to hurt over it. But you can accept the fact that you remember and that you are hurting, just move despite it. Or forget about the loaded concept of ‘moving on’ and just do your thing. There is a type of therapy known as Acceptance & Commitment Therapy, where the patient is supposed to accept the things he can’t change and continue acting according to his values, where it is basically written into the system that his needs are not being satisfied. One isn’t satisfying his needs then, one’s satisfying one’s values. So in a certain sense it’s okay to hurt.

 

[chevalier]

Also, I’d like to go back to what Xantippe said:

I’ve read that in psychology, the most powerful form of reinforcement is intermittent reinforcement. If a guy is nice to you all the time, you get used to it and maybe bored. But with a guy like this, sometimes he’s nice, sometimes he’s distant, and you just keep coming back and pleasing him in the hope that this time, he’ll be nice. It’s a very nasty system.

By contrast it may sometimes be difficult to appreciate the people who are always nice, or who are all sorts of wonderful but in all sorts of predictable ways. It’s hard for them to compete with the unfair players.

It’s also a problem when one hasn’t known too many men/women (as applicable) in all sorts of social contexts, so one doesn’t have much to compare against.

Then there are people who don’t dare dream, for example after a very difficult, disillusioning past. But don’t be afraid to dream, in particular about being with someone who respects you all the time, not just some time, and who is genuinely into you rather than intermittently or conflictedly. And someone you trust. When you have the dream, find a way. This is what has helped me recover from all sorts of things I’ve experienced from women – I couldn’t undo those things or make myself forget them (though now I care much less), but just sticking to that childhood dream from before hormones made things a mess helped a lot. No more falling for femmes fatales and drama queens and games. Better cut some things early before they make it to a stage where it’s too late (though wisdom is needed to avoid giving up on people for reasons that aren’t so important in the grand scheme of things like I did in that example from my late teens).

Rationally I can see how this relationship (for lack of a better word) has no future. And the thought of him treating potential children this way one day is what spurred me to end things with him the first time around.

That shows maturity in you. Also, what if he just leaves, what if he marries again? Your children could end up facing the same kind of struggle as you are facing right now, what with the lack of a solid reference from home when trying to relate to the opposite sex. It’s really difficult for people growing up without a parent.

 

[Cricket2]

This will be painful, but you need to move on. That this man’s engagement fell apart means another women somewhere grew wise to his tricks. You are idolizing his memory, and have first knowledge how wrong those memories are.

You may find counseling helpful to untangle the web of lies this relationship has entangled you in. You feel unable to move on, and that dating is “forced”, but there may be flawed assumptions you are making that an objective professional might help you uncover.

Good response here. The OP needs to take notice of what you have said.

Folks, it does no good to remain in a relationship that is toxic. This guy is about himself, even if he is “a good teacher” according to the OP. What he does is for his own edification and that is never a good thing.

If you are in a relationship that is not bound by marriage, and the other person is abusive, leave it. Figure out what is healthy for you spiritually, physically and mentally and avoid that which is not.

 

[Caroline723]

I have no doubt that “Acceptance and Commitment Therapy” is a real thing and someone out there charges hundreds of dollars per hour to help some poor soul to apply to his life, but doesn’t it sound an awful lot like the process of simply growing up and acting like an adult? I am fortunate enough to work in a profession (nursing) where I receive a daily reminder that most people are suffering far worse than me. To quote bogie, “The problems of three little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world” (three people in this case: me, Jekyll and Hyde)

Like I have said earlier, this struggle is internally. Externally I appear to be holding a line with him. I take the notion of fit parenthood very seriously. One could take issue with me giving him multiple chances to redeem himself, but I believe that everyone is capable of change if they truly desire it. I took D at his word when he said that the events of this past year had had a radical impact on his heart. But this last time with him was really the worst behavior he’s ever exhibited. He spent almost a month repeatedly telling me how sorry he was to have hurt me in the past and how he knew he had to work to rebuild trust; it got to a point where I was asking him to put the past behind us and to focus on the present. But he was lying to me all along by acting like he was free to pursue a relationship, when he not. Slowly, over this past week, it is sinking in that there is something very wrong in his character. I have come to realize that we have everything in common except values. I met D at church, and took it for granted that in terms of values and morality, we were simpatico. Usually my problem with men is that we are compatible values-wise but not enough elsewhere. With D, the exact opposite. The friendship was there in terms of compatible interests and enjoying each others company, but completely incompatible values. Looking back, I can see how this was the sole source of discord. So frustrating. But am focusing this Lent on detachment and trust in God. Thank you, everyone.

 

[Tax_Collector14]

Caroline,

Take it from someone of the opposite gender who has experienced literally the same thing you have…I felt like I was reading my own past…it’s best that you move on or at least take the steps to do so…I say this because we both know that this other person has left such an indellible mark on your heart and soul that it’s literally impossible to totally move on. However, the important thing for you is to protect yourself. There is clearly a pattern that has developed here…what he has done, he will repeat. The same thing happened to me. No matter how many signs I saw that seemed to indicate that this other woman and I should be together, in the end, we could not make it work.

But at the very least in my case, I’ll share with you at least something of value: there was a moment early on in our relationship when I felt conscious that we could move from friendship to something more formal, and we both knelt down to pray. The prayer that I prayed at that moment was the following: “Lord, let us suffer for the salvation of souls…”

I didn’t consciously think this up, and I didn’t pray for a future together with her…so perhaps the suffering that we have both endured all of these years has some value, that is the solace that I take in my experience…here’s to hoping you can unite your suffering and loneliness, the hole in your heart with that of the Lord…this too shall pass, dear sister.

 

[zz912]

Caroline, I don’t want to make that guy into a bad person. What it looks like is that he’s ill. Emotionally ill, perhaps mentally. It may very well not be his fault, and he may very well be a wonderful person otherwise (or overall). But this doesn’t mean you need to subject yourself to his on and off patterns.

That was my first impression as well. He sounds like he might be bipolar. Very extreme behavior, wild mood swings.

I would suggest listening to the wisdom of Christ when He spoke about building a house on a foundation of sand vs a foundation of rock. Of course He was talking about Himself as the Rock, but it applies well to this situation. If you were to move forward, or even marry this man, you would be building your marriage on a foundation of sand. It would only be a matter of time before it crumbled.

I will pray for you and I hope you are able to move on and cut this man out of your life. You deserve better, and you deserve a man who is solid, dependable, and loves you unconditionally no matter the circumstances.

 

[LongingSoul]

One could take issue with me giving him multiple chances to redeem himself, but I believe that everyone is capable of change if they truly desire it.

The question you have to consider above all others in that case is, if he never changes are you prepared and committed to staying the distance with him anyway. A lot of women place their conditions on a fantasy of someone changing, but that is a doomed expectation from the beginning. If you know that at the end of your lives you would look back and he never changed and you would feel cheated, used and the sense of wasted time… you should not start out on a path with him in the first place.