Confusion about marriage

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humblejumble

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Hello everyone. I hope that some of the wise and insightful members of this forum will be able to pour some salve on an issue that has been causing me great distress. It is something that I feel uncomfortable talking to friends and family about, and I have internalised it so much that I can’t hear God’s voice amongst all the mental noise.

I am a woman in my early 30s. I have been with my fiance for nearly four years, engaged for one. We are due to marry next Spring. I was single for a long time before I met my fiance because I never ‘clicked’ with anyone, and didn’t want to get into a relationship for the sake of it as I had done in the past (to the eventual hurt of those who I got involved with, for which I am very sorry).

When I met my fiance, I felt like I had always known him. He was funny and I felt safe with him. I enjoyed his company and felt I could let down my guard with him. I found him clever and quirky, and just on my page in terms of intellect, humour, values, attitudes-even our backgrounds are similar. We had such a laugh, so much fun and he was so caring.

I don’t usually connect with many people like that, but I felt hesistant about engaging in a romantic relationship because I wasn’t sure of the nature of my feelings. Anyway, I gave it a chance because he is so lovely and the relationship eventually grew into a warm, loving union. I always put his needs first, and he always put mine first. To this day, we support each other through everything, listen to one another, and do things for the other person. I feel like I am more selfless since I met him because I want to make him happy and am willing to make compromises and sacrifices to ensure his happiness. I go through periods of time feeling peaceful, happy and lucky about my lot. When I feel like this, I look forward to our wedding day and sometimes feel my love for him fill my chest where I want to just look after him and have his children.

And it isn’t just that he is kind and wonderful etc- there are lots of nice guys, but he is special. He rarely even annoys me! We are so in sync that we can almost read each others minds, finish each others’ sentences. He makes a huge effort for my family and friends and makes everyone feel so warm and welcome. And it isn’t all one sided either, I try to make him happy in any way I can and always try to put his needs above my own.

However, throughout the relationship, I also have had episodes of desperate panic where I am consumed with fear that the relationship will not work out because I never ‘fell in love’ with him. I never had that crazy, heart throbbing, irrational frenzy of love that people describe (and which I have never experienced at all). Instead I have warmly grown to love him, and I do believe that our relationship has more support, care, balance and equality than most, judging by what friends and colleagues say about their spouses. I know that being ‘in love’ doesn’t last, but can my gentle love compete with all-enduring-eternal-love when it comes to being together forever?

The feeling that I never experienced the electric shocks of love, makes me think that I should leave this relationship, and that God is telling me to move on and find someone else. When this happens I become very distressed.I become consumed with the fact that we shouldn’t be together and that it is all an act, that I don’t love him, never did and shouldn’t marry him. My mental health suffers massively and I am drowning in doubt that isn’t normal because I do remember loving him and caring for him. I don’t understand if my mind is playing tricks on me or if God is telling me something I don’t want to hear.

I don’t think I want to find someone else, neither do I want to be single. I wish I could go ahead and marry this wonderful, kind, loyal and caring man with peace in my heart. I have prayed and prayed for discernment, and for God’s will to come through but I can’t hear anything. Just my own inner ramblings.

I think I might be somewhat to blame, as I have never committed to anything in my life and I have a problem making decisions generally. I have caused a lot of hurt in the past and am held back by that too. I don’t want to hurt my wonderful man by either dumping him or stringing him along. When I am having a doubting episode, everything is so bleak. It feels like I am in a nightmare. Life loses all colour and I feel like a hateful, cruel fraud and am filled with guilt.

When the doubt clears and I realise how lucky I am, I am filled with warmth and peace, and thank God for my blessings. But even the erratic nature of my feelings is not normal.

If i thought it was the devil attacking me I would ask for God’s help to fight it and make me see the strength of my relationship. But what if it is God saying to end things? I read that God doesn’t communicate by fear, but some of our most useful instincts are based on fear, such as fear of attack or poisoning etc.

Sorry for the long winded life story. I am a bit lost. Please can someone advise.
Thank you
 
What is your family background? Any divorce on either side, or were your parents divorced? That can play a huge factor in trust, and usually brings a fearful or cynical element into thinking about marriage.

Also, that “totally in love, consumed by each other” thing is mostly a media construction. If it happens, it can be quite dysfunctional and not something to aspire to, and my experience is that not many people go through it. I think it leads to the expectation that all of married life should be that way, and when that ecstasy fades away, they feel that nothing is left behind. Better you should feel secure and should TRUST your future husband than full of butterflies and like a schoolgirl with a first crush.

But listen. Marriage is a scary decision to make, even for people who have had a solid upbringing by parents who never divorced. And the longer we wait to marry, the scarier it can get. Also as we get through our 20/s and into our 30/s, we start to fix in our ways, and we tend to think our way is the right way, so it’s harder to blend into a couple.

Some fear and doubt is NORMAL and nothing to get in a panic about. You will feel the same way when you decide to try for children (and don’t wait too long…). You have NO IDEA what you are doing - the road ahead is completely unknown and cannot be predicted. It’s the hugest exercise in TRUST that one can ever go through, until it’s time to leave this life.

If it were me, I might find a counselor and get my fears and anxiety out on the table. Since you say you have problems with decisions, it might be very helpful to get to the bottom of that problem now. It sure won’t go away just because you marry!

One other bit of advice. Go to an Adoration chapel. Just sit there. Don’t even pray. Just let Jesus speak to your heart. Go more than once if you don’t get an answer right away. Just don’t do anything. Sit there in front of Jesus and open your heart to what He will put there.

Remember the disciples in the boat - They were focused on the storm. Keep focused on Jesus, and all will be well.

p.s. Did I miss it somewhere, or did you mention that you share a religious faith with your fiance;?
 
humblejumble said:
My mental health suffers massively and I am drowning in doubt that isn’t normal because I do remember loving him and caring for him. I don’t understand if my mind is playing tricks on me or if God is telling me something I don’t want to hear.

I don’t think I want to find someone else, neither do I want to be single. I wish I could go ahead and marry this wonderful, kind, loyal and caring man with peace in my heart. I have prayed and prayed for discernment, and for God’s will to come through but I can’t hear anything. Just my own inner ramblings.

I think I might be somewhat to blame, as I have never committed to anything in my life and I have a problem making decisions generally. I have caused a lot of hurt in the past and am held back by that too. I don’t want to hurt my wonderful man by either dumping him or stringing him along. When I am having a doubting episode, everything is so bleak. It feels like I am in a nightmare. Life loses all colour and I feel like a hateful, cruel fraud and am filled with guilt.

When the doubt clears and I realise how lucky I am, I am filled with warmth and peace, and thank God for my blessings. But even the erratic nature of my feelings is not normal.

If i thought it was the devil attacking me I would ask for God’s help to fight it and make me see the strength of my relationship. But what if it is God saying to end things? I read that God doesn’t communicate by fear, but some of our most useful instincts are based on fear, such as fear of attack or poisoning etc.

Sorry for the long winded life story. I am a bit lost. Please can someone advise.
Thank you
Click to expand...
It seems that you have found the perfect guy for you, and that you are both deeply in love with each other. Do not get caught up in perceived expectations for a relationship; that lightening jolt that is “supposed” to hit someone after falling madly in love does not, in fact, happen as often as the movies might want you to think. Because, from my experience, that sudden attraction is often infatuation masking as love whereas love that has time to grow is one of the strongest forms of love. You have built a solid foundation with your fiance, you have grown together and experienced much joy. I can tell you now, if every couple broke up because neither had that flash, there would be a lot less married people and a lot less children. The part I’ve bolded makes me think that you should consult a psychiatrist and a priest, because firstly, if you have an undiagnosed mental illness, that could be the root of your anxiety. Secondly, if you have spiritual conflicts within you, perhaps your priest will be able to give you guidance. I’ll pray for you, and I hope you have peace from your anxieties.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
What is your family background? Any divorce on either side, or were your parents divorced? That can play a huge factor in trust, and usually brings a fearful or cynical element into thinking about marriage.

Also, that “totally in love, consumed by each other” thing is mostly a media construction. If it happens, it can be quite dysfunctional and not something to aspire to, and my experience is that not many people go through it. I think it leads to the expectation that all of married life should be that way, and when that ecstasy fades away, they feel that nothing is left behind. Better you should feel secure and should TRUST your future husband than full of butterflies and like a schoolgirl with a first crush.

But listen. Marriage is a scary decision to make, even for people who have had a solid upbringing by parents who never divorced. And the longer we wait to marry, the scarier it can get. Also as we get through our 20/s and into our 30/s, we start to fix in our ways, and we tend to think our way is the right way, so it’s harder to blend into a couple.

Some fear and doubt is NORMAL and nothing to get in a panic about. You will feel the same way when you decide to try for children (and don’t wait too long…). You have NO IDEA what you are doing - the road ahead is completely unknown and cannot be predicted. It’s the hugest exercise in TRUST that one can ever go through, until it’s time to leave this life.

If it were me, I might find a counselor and get my fears and anxiety out on the table. Since you say you have problems with decisions, it might be very helpful to get to the bottom of that problem now. It sure won’t go away just because you marry!

One other bit of advice. Go to an Adoration chapel. Just sit there. Don’t even pray. Just let Jesus speak to your heart. Go more than once if you don’t get an answer right away. Just don’t do anything. Sit there in front of Jesus and open your heart to what He will put there.

Remember the disciples in the boat - They were focused on the storm. Keep focused on Jesus, and all will be well.

p.s. Did I miss it somewhere, or did you mention that you share a religious faith with your fiance;?
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I posted since I saw no replies, but everything you said was spot on! 👍👍👍
 
That “fall in love feeling” goes away anyway, and you likely did not experience it due to your maturity level.

I mean…it is a nice feeling, but it goes away and is certainly nothing to pine away at if you missed it.

Love is a decision more than a feeling, and it sounds like you have got it down pretty well from an intellectual standpoint. If more people did, there would be less divorce! So… congratulations I say!
 
humblejumble said:
However, throughout the relationship, I also have had episodes of desperate panic where I am consumed with fear that the relationship will not work out because I never ‘fell in love’ with him. I never had that crazy, heart throbbing, irrational frenzy of love that people describe (and which I have never experienced at all). Instead I have warmly grown to love him, and I do believe that our relationship has more support, care, balance and equality than most, judging by what friends and colleagues say about their spouses. I know that being ‘in love’ doesn’t last, but can my gentle love compete with all-enduring-eternal-love when it comes to being together forever?
Click to expand...
In Christ you don’t fool around with feeling like this - he is a good man, you are both living in Christ, in the Church. It is very good that you never “fell in love” which is you more of the world preoccupation with emotional romance. I love Madame Butterfly when I listen to the opera, my tears are flowing. One hour later it is all gone, I do the dishes or talk to my wife. Feelings come and go. Life in Christ is so superior to this.

Bottom line, you think you are alive because of this feeling and thinking, those impressions and those energies you have. No. Graveyard. It is all dead. Imagination, fiction, makebelieve. Come out of it, mature, leave it when you can. Live in Christ, love God and all living beings around you.
 
First of all, thank you to all who responded to my message. I feel like a weight has been lifted and that you have put some perspective on the issue.
The Real Juliane, thank you for your kind words. My parents are still together, but had issues with trust (regarding all manners of things, not just infidelity). They seem to have a very strange perfunctory relationship, one that I would not like to have, quite cold but underneath I think they love eachother. Maybe that has influenced my feelings? Thanks for the food for thought.
My fiancé and I are both Catholic but I have the stronger faith. I will remember the disciples focusing on the storm, and remember to look past it, to Jesus. Thank you 
Althe CollegeGal, thank you too. I think I might have some sort of obsessive style of thinking which makes me hugely anxious about certain situations so I need to find solace from that too. Thanks for your prayers.
Armor of Light. Thank you for taking the time to reassure me about my feelings. It is nice to get some validation that I’m doing the right thing.
Peter: I really enjoyed reading your response. It made me see that nothing is constant but Jesus. Is that what you meant when you said ‘In Christ you don’t fool around with feeling like this’?
Thank you all so much for your support and (name removed by moderator)ut. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders
 
Armor_of_Light said:
That “fall in love feeling” goes away anyway, and you likely did not experience it due to your maturity level.

I mean…it is a nice feeling, but it goes away and is certainly nothing to pine away at if you missed it.

Love is a decision more than a feeling, and it sounds like you have got it down pretty well from an intellectual standpoint. If more people did, there would be less divorce! So… congratulations I say!
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That’s absolutely right. I felt it once when my wife and I were first dating. And again when we got engaged and again very early in our marriage. But we were young. We started dating on her 21st birthday were married by 22.

That electric feeling is usually, well, infatuation. I felt that electrical shock when I first dated a couple of other girls when I was younger. It faded and was replaced by, well, nothing. When that electric feeling was replaced by the feeling the OP is describing, that’s how I knew my wife was the woman for me. After the thrill of a new relationship, or a new stage in a relationship, faded… the continued burning to love her for the sake of loving her was still there.

So yeah, I’ve got a nice memory of that blood rushing to my head, the sweaty palms, the heart pounding stuff. That’s all fine. But I don’t miss it. Not really anyway. And I get an inkling of it every now and then when my wife and I do something to keep the fires burning like going out on dates or getting away for a night or weekend. It’s a reminder of how we first got together. So that’s sweet. But what keeps us together is the unselfish love that you’re describing.

As so many other posters have said, do not be worried that you’re missing out on the irrational feelings of infatuation. They’re just feelings. It’s not lasting and people who live by those feelings usually make terrible decisions. It got my wife and I to start dating. It doesn’t keep us together.
 
I wholeheartedly agree with all of the advice given above.
My husband and I did have the “electric shock” type of relationship and I think we probably have stayed together more* in spite of *that rather than because of it, lol. What has held us together is shared values and an absolute commitment to making it work. Because we are both very passionate individuals, our early years have actually be more tumultuous than other marriages. I’m not going to say that I regret any of it, but to me it sounds like you are starting out on more solid ground than we were and it’s not a bad thing at all.

You are going to have doubts. You are going to have bad moments. It’s normal. Don’t compare yourself to other relationships because every relationship is unique.

It does sounds like you would benefit greatly from some individual counseling and even couples counseling if possible. Your fiance deserves to know more about some of these feelings you struggle with and I think it would be best to bring it up in the presence of a good, Catholic counselor.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
What is your family background? Any divorce on either side, or were your parents divorced? That can play a huge factor in trust, and usually brings a fearful or cynical element into thinking about marriage.

Also, that “totally in love, consumed by each other” thing is mostly a media construction. If it happens, it can be quite dysfunctional and not something to aspire to, and my experience is that not many people go through it. I think it leads to the expectation that all of married life should be that way, and when that ecstasy fades away, they feel that nothing is left behind. Better you should feel secure and should TRUST your future husband than full of butterflies and like a schoolgirl with a first crush.

But listen. Marriage is a scary decision to make, even for people who have had a solid upbringing by parents who never divorced. And the longer we wait to marry, the scarier it can get. Also as we get through our 20/s and into our 30/s, we start to fix in our ways, and we tend to think our way is the right way, so it’s harder to blend into a couple.

Some fear and doubt is NORMAL and nothing to get in a panic about. You will feel the same way when you decide to try for children (and don’t wait too long…). You have NO IDEA what you are doing - the road ahead is completely unknown and cannot be predicted. It’s the hugest exercise in TRUST that one can ever go through, until it’s time to leave this life.

If it were me, I might find a counselor and get my fears and anxiety out on the table. Since you say you have problems with decisions, it might be very helpful to get to the bottom of that problem now. It sure won’t go away just because you marry!

One other bit of advice. Go to an Adoration chapel. Just sit there. Don’t even pray. Just let Jesus speak to your heart. Go more than once if you don’t get an answer right away. Just don’t do anything. Sit there in front of Jesus and open your heart to what He will put there.

Remember the disciples in the boat - They were focused on the storm. Keep focused on Jesus, and all will be well.

p.s. Did I miss it somewhere, or did you mention that you share a religious faith with your fiance;?
Click to expand...
Excellent post. 👍

I don’t have much to add, OP, but I must point out that the “electric shock” aspect of love is probably the least important. Sure, it makes a difference at the start, but it’s largely a phenomenon of youth, and it only helps to get things started. The real relationship between a man and a woman, once the initial “warm and fuzzy feeling” clears, is what truly makes a marriage work. And if you’re already getting to this second stage, all I can say is: Don’t be afraid. 🙂
 
The_Bucket said:
As so many other posters have said, do not be worried that you’re missing out on the irrational feelings of infatuation. They’re just feelings. It’s not lasting and people who live by those feelings usually make terrible decisions. It got my wife and I to start dating. It doesn’t keep us together.
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Very good point. I have witnessed many terrible decisions made because of such feelings. That’s definitely not the way to go!
 
Jumble,

I wouldn’t worry about it. I can’t speak for my wife but similarly didn’t have “electric shocks” until long after we tied the knot. Even then it was over a bottle of hot sauce, of all things. (There were other “electric moments,” but that one was certainly the most memorable for its ridiculousness and intensity.)

My in-laws are from a culture that practiced arranged marriages. It seems doubtful they ever experienced such shocks. It is, however, obvious they love each other by how they treat each other.

True love is a decision on your part and on his.

For your current discernment, I recommend that you renew your focus on God in this Advent season. If, as you draw yourself toward Him you also find yourself nearer your fiance, that seems a good indication that the marriage you plan is within God’s will. It is ideal if your fiance also does this.
 
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