Confusion about sexual attraction

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MilesVitae

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I don’t think I have a sound understanding of what is and is not morally right in the realm of sexual attraction.

Obviously, fantasizing about sexual actions or deliberately desiring sexual arousal or pleasure (outside of marriage) is immoral. On the other hand, being attracted to or interested in someone because they are physically attractive is not. But there are some areas I am confused about.

For instance, I have a friend whom I am somewhat interested in romantically. She has a rather flirtatious, playful personality. Obviously, I find this attractive and pleasant. However, I find I am very easily physically aroused around her, particularly when she behaves flirtatiously. I am not sure how to react to this. I am not seeking sexual activity, and I don’t think I am deliberately letting myself enjoy the arousal. However, I am not sure if I should let my pleasant feelings and attraction to this aspect of her personality move me towards her or not - nor am I sure if I should be flirtatious with her or not. I’m not sure if I am being scrupulous and overthinking this.
 
MilesVitae said:
I don’t think I have a sound understanding of what is and is not morally right in the realm of sexual attraction.

Obviously, fantasizing about sexual actions or deliberately desiring sexual arousal or pleasure (outside of marriage) is immoral. On the other hand, being attracted to or interested in someone because they are physically attractive is not. But there are some areas I am confused about.

For instance, I have a friend whom I am somewhat interested in romantically. She has a rather flirtatious, playful personality. Obviously, I find this attractive and pleasant. However, I find I am very easily physically aroused around her, particularly when she behaves flirtatiously. I am not sure how to react to this. I am not seeking sexual activity, and I don’t think I am deliberately letting myself enjoy the arousal. However, I am not sure if I should let my pleasant feelings and attraction to this aspect of her personality move me towards her or not - nor am I sure if I should be flirtatious with her or not. I’m not sure if I am being scrupulous and overthinking this.
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Think you’re over-thinking it. If all you’re after is sex, then obviously that is wrong. but what you are describing is normal, healthy interest in a female! If she is being flirtatious, then is she trying to get you to ask her out, etc, etc. The only way we ever find out about future spouses (not that you are there yet) is to truly date.

Being aroused is normal, nothing wrong with enjoying that either, except if you turn it into seeking sex. It means you are a healthy male - good for you.

Most important things is - does her personality and who she is as a person attract you? Can you see yourself dating her? If not, she is a flirty friend, and that’s fine, too. Always helps if she is wonderful and beautiful, but I can tell you the first things I noticed about my wife was her personality and faith. She just happened to also be blonde haired with blue eyes!
 
MilesVitae said:
I don’t think I have a sound understanding of what is and is not morally right in the realm of sexual attraction.

Obviously, fantasizing about sexual actions or deliberately desiring sexual arousal or pleasure (outside of marriage) is immoral. On the other hand, being attracted to or interested in someone because they are physically attractive is not. But there are some areas I am confused about.

For instance, I have a friend whom I am somewhat interested in romantically. She has a rather flirtatious, playful personality. Obviously, I find this attractive and pleasant. However, I find I am very easily physically aroused around her, particularly when she behaves flirtatiously. I am not sure how to react to this. I am not seeking sexual activity, and I don’t think I am deliberately letting myself enjoy the arousal. However, I am not sure if I should let my pleasant feelings and attraction to this aspect of her personality move me towards her or not - nor am I sure if I should be flirtatious with her or not. I’m not sure if I am being scrupulous and overthinking this.
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Have you thought of asking her out?
 
searching04 said:
Being aroused is normal, nothing wrong with enjoying that either
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This would not be correct. Well the second part that is…

One is not to consent to being aroused outside of marriage… one should not be consenting to “enjoying arousal”.

The unmarried are neither to seek it or consent to it should it happen as a unintended side effect (which may potentially be accepted as an unintended side effect …but not consented to or “enjoyed”…with a pure intention…of course avoiding the near occasions of sin (know oneself etc)…a regular confessor can help one judge…)

Of course such is different than enjoying being around the girl etc …
 
ewtn.com/expert/answers/dating.htm from a writer at EWTN …it will be of great help!

(One note though on this reading…I would note that when they say “as soon as he begins to enjoy…” under “pure intent”… it would mean before knowing consent…)
 
Welcome to the human race. 👍

Being aware of this is good, thank God for this, thank God for your friend, ask God to help you with these feelings.
 
Poster, you’re not alone!!! I have read tons about it, and still can’t really figure it out!

I think the main question you want to be asking yourself is, am I admiring this person as a child of God or thinking of them as an object to “use” for my pleasure? If the former, great, if not, then that’s a problem.

Other than that, I very much sympathize with your situation. I think a large part of the problem is the way that modern Western culture works. People use to marry in early adolescence, now, it seems that our parents don’t want us getting married until we’re 30! Or older!!!

Those that choose the vow of celibacy certainly have a cross to bear, but at least they know where they stand.

For those that choose the married vocation in modern Western culture, the task is confusing. A primary component of marriage is the marital embrace. How is one to discern marriage while never once thinking of the marital embrace with that person? It sounds disjointed.
 
Sexual attraction is a great gift from God that leads us (well, those of us called to it) to the wonderful vocation of marriage.

There is nothing inherently wrong with finding another person sexually attractive. It’s what we do next that’s important. I think Bookcat has given some great guidance above. In the link offered, there is talk about not using someone else as a past-time. This is where you need to think about what flirting will achieve. Flirting is great if it’s with someone who we are interested in and may begin dating (and possibly, eventually, marry). If it’s not likely to lead to dating, then flirting is probably crossing a line and indulging in sexual attraction for it’s own end, not its proper end.
 
VeritasLuxMea said:
Poster, you’re not alone!!! I have read tons about it, and still can’t really figure it out!

I think the main question you want to be asking yourself is, am I admiring this person as a child of God or thinking of them as an object to “use” for my pleasure? If the former, great, if not, then that’s a problem.

Other than that, I very much sympathize with your situation. I think a large part of the problem is the way that modern Western culture works. People use to marry in early adolescence, now, it seems that our parents don’t want us getting married until we’re 30! Or older!!!

Those that choose the vow of celibacy certainly have a cross to bear, but at least they know where they stand.

For those that choose the married vocation in modern Western culture, the task is confusing. A primary component of marriage is the marital embrace. How is one to discern marriage while never once thinking of the marital embrace with that person? It sounds disjointed.
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Why is celibacy a cross?
underacloud said:
Sexual attraction is a great gift from God that leads us (well, those of us called to it) to the wonderful vocation of marriage.

There is nothing inherently wrong with finding another person sexually attractive. It’s what we do next that’s important. I think Bookcat has given some great guidance above. In the link offered, there is talk about not using someone else as a past-time. This is where you need to think about what flirting will achieve. Flirting is great if it’s with someone who we are interested in and may begin dating (and possibly, eventually, marry). If it’s not likely to lead to dating, then flirting is probably crossing a line and indulging in sexual attraction for it’s own end, not its proper end.
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Don’t make a blanket statement like that, for those who are prevented from marrying for some reason they are not a gift
 
Dakota_Roberts said:
Why is celibacy a cross?

Don’t make a blanket statement like that, for those who are prevented from marrying for some reason they are not a gift
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I’m sorry you feel this way. Certainly, dealing with sexuality can be very hard for some people. Those called to chastity offer a wonderful gift of sacrifice to God. This does not change the fact that human sexuality is firstly a gift from God to us. Some people, through choice or circumstance, experience sexuality through chastity, which the Church teaches is also a gift from God.

Perhaps it is better understood if I simply say that sexual attraction is a great gift from God to those of us called to the vocation of marriage.
 
underacloud said:
I’m sorry you feel this way. Certainly, dealing with sexuality can be very hard for some people. Those called to chastity offer a wonderful gift of sacrifice to God. This does not change the fact that human sexuality is firstly a gift from God to us. Some people, through choice or circumstance, experience sexuality through chastity, which the Church teaches is also a gift from God.

Perhaps it is better understood if I simply say that sexual attraction is a great gift from God to those of us called to the vocation of marriage.
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And how about those attracted to the same sex, is that a gift? Is the inner suffering and isolation a gift?
 
Unfortunately, God’s gifts are often corrupted by the fallen nature of man and the world we live in. Chastity is also a gift from God though. I’m not saying it’s easy to deal with these sorts of issues, but we cannot see the greater good that comes from offering chastity to God and uniting our own suffering with Christ’s.

Anyway, as I said, perhaps it is better if I simply say that sexual attraction is a great gift from God to those of us called to the vocation of marriage.
 
Dakota_Roberts said:
Why is celibacy a cross?
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Well, man’s natural inclination to have sex with any woman with a pulse and breasts, for starters. 😛

I’m sorta joking about that, sorta not… 😉

I guess it’s a cross in the same way that commitment to one spouse is, but then again, that’s also a blessing… so both ways.

If anyone would like to take a shot at my questions, I’d love it. Thanks!
 
underacloud said:
Unfortunately, God’s gifts are often corrupted by the fallen nature of man and the world we live in. Chastity is also a gift from God though. I’m not saying it’s easy to deal with these sorts of issues, but we cannot see the greater good that comes from offering chastity to God and uniting our own suffering with Christ’s.

Anyway, as I said, perhaps it is better if I simply say that sexual attraction is a great gift from God to those of us called to the vocation of marriage.
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Everyone is expected to be chaste, do you mean celibacy?

Yes, that’s better
VeritasLuxMea said:
Well, man’s natural inclination to have sex with any woman with a pulse and breasts, for starters. 😛

I’m sorta joking about that, sorta not… 😉

I guess it’s a cross in the same way that commitment to one spouse is, but then again, that’s also a blessing… so both ways.

If anyone would like to take a shot at my questions, I’d love it. Thanks!
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I’m glad I’m not normal then…
 
MilesVitae said:
I don’t think I have a sound understanding of what is and is not morally right in the realm of sexual attraction.

Obviously, fantasizing about sexual actions or deliberately desiring sexual arousal or pleasure (outside of marriage) is immoral. On the other hand, being attracted to or interested in someone because they are physically attractive is not. But there are some areas I am confused about.

For instance, I have a friend whom I am somewhat interested in romantically. She has a rather flirtatious, playful personality. Obviously, I find this attractive and pleasant. However, I find I am very easily physically aroused around her, particularly when she behaves flirtatiously. I am not sure how to react to this. I am not seeking sexual activity, and I don’t think I am deliberately letting myself enjoy the arousal. However, I am not sure if I should let my pleasant feelings and attraction to this aspect of her personality move me towards her or not - nor am I sure if I should be flirtatious with her or not. I’m not sure if I am being scrupulous and overthinking this.
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Good feelings are not immoral. When it comes to our sexuality, we need to understand that God made sex to unite a married couple closely together (high levels of intimacy, protectiveness, an emotional attraction to fidelity) and to create children. Marriage is the foundation of this because its aim at commitment is to create a stable loving environment to be raised in.

Indulging in sexula pleasures by yourself (masturbation, daydreaming) involves no bonding and no children. It focuses sexual pleasure inward instead of outward.

You need to ask yourself are you objectifying this woman you are feeling attracted to. Are you misleading her to think you are more interested in her than you actually are? (that you’re interested in courting her when you’re not) Is it an occassion of sin to sexually advance with her to even mild levels that express lies about where the relationship is at? For instance, kissing a girl you have no intention of courting can be a grave offense to chastity. For an engaged couple, objectly it can be perfectly fine and natural and may only be needed to be avoided because it can be an occassion of sin to express too much sexually prior to marriage. Morever, is the situation becoming an occassion of sin for your own selfish pleasure or are you merely enjoying her company?

Again sexual pleasure is not evil. It is the tendency we have to pursue smaller immediate goods (pleasure) over larger goods that are less immediate (a loving relationship, a strong friendship of trust, etc)
 
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MilesVitae:
I am not sure if I should let my pleasant feelings and attraction to this aspect of her personality move me towards her or not - nor am I sure if I should be flirtatious with her or not. I’m not sure if I am being scrupulous and overthinking this.
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I suppose your feeling toward her is “an early stage of something that may become special”. To get to know her more will tell you whether she is special. I suppose it’s not wise to let go something good just like that. Because deep special feeling toward somebody do not come very often. When you get older like me one day, you will realize that among all of those people you have met only one or two were really special.

To know whether an attraction is good or not, the good one will include a certain amount of respect, in a way that you hold her high in your heart, her person is prescious for you beside her beauty. In contrast, a bad attraction is one without respect, in the sense that you don’t really care about her as a person, instead you focus on her physical aspects only. Ofcourse when you know some pretty girl just by looking (or talking for a wihle), you can’t tell the difference. All pretty girls are good to look at, good to talk to at the surface.

To get to know her deeper will get you realize that she has many other aspects other than her beauty. Soon you will find out that those other aspects are as imporant as the beauty, if not more imporant. In time you will know whether she is for you or not really.
 
MilesVitae said:
I don’t think I have a sound understanding of what is and is not morally right in the realm of sexual attraction…
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Just ask her to dinner, why do you think she’s being flirtatious? Then if she doesn’t want to move the relationship to that arena, you can ask her to tone down the girly stuff in your friendship and work on putting those feelings aside. Or you’ll find you can’t have a simple friendship with her, because possibly she is all tease for her own purposes.

You are describing perfectly normal human interaction. These reactions aren’t moral or immoral, IMO, they just are. Choices of behavior are subject to moral influence.
 
michelleds said:
This thread isn’t about you, Dakota.
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Isn’t the answer to the latter yes because isolation from others makes us dependent on the Lord and doesn’t the suffering help purify us? And thus in a roundabout fashion the answer to the former yes?
underacloud said:
I meant chastity, which is of course manifested as celibacy for some people (including anyone not married).
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Isn’t chastity the person consciously choosing not to do unchaste things?
 
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