Confusion: Homosexual Attraction & Religion

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Untruth

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Hi there

I haven’t been here in a long while and since then I’ve been going through a lot. I’ve been trying to convince myself that I wasn’t gay to believing I am to now being confused. Throughout all of it, I’ve had religion as the main factor as to why I haven’t done anything more than just be quietly attracted to guys. I never bothered reaching out to other gay guys to date or anything because I was so confused and my religion said that it was a sin. I know that most people will be extremely harsh want me to either change completely to being straight or just have no romantic relationships for the rest of my life. As I’ve gotten older it gets harder and harder because I have this feeling of wanting a life companion. I completely disagree with people that claim that homosexual attraction is a “choice” because I would never have chosen the amount of confusion, occasional self-loathing and fear that I’m experiencing now and I doubt anyone else who is gay would have chosen to be harassed/bullied/tormented. Anyway…

This is where things get weird. I’m attracted sexually to guys and even like some of them for their personalities and would love to date them but I’ve always wanted a true family, a wife and what not but I’m just not sexually attracted to girls. Again, weird part, is that I avoid all porn that features females in it and I even avoid any types of nudes of females because to me I find them to be disrespectful to women. I don’t know what it is, but I respect girls a lot and sometimes I think that because of this high respect for them I can’t date ones that are totally against what I believe women should be like and the general type of girls where I live are almost always these slutty, self-absorbed party animal types which I don’t like at all.

Now I know that with all that was said before it would seem easy on what to do and I completely agree sometimes because I know if I can find a girl that I fall in love with then I wouldn’t have to worry about the guys but the sexual attraction is still there, it’s very hard to kill. I don’t know when I got the urges for guys but I know that I decided wholeheartedly to actually give dating a guy a chance when I thought this other “straight” guy in my class was into me but it might have been in my mind, who knows, but after that I had a huge crush on him. Though oddly enough, he’s the only guy that I’d really ever see myself wanting to go out with which then makes me think whether I’m just going to take any gay guy that comes onto me or if I’m really in love… it’s really hard for me to process what is going on in my head. All of that in mind is what I think also has me trying to back off of girls because like I said before, I respect them too much to try going out with them and falling in love but then still have these urges for guys.

With this knowledge in hand, I was wondering what suggestions or prescriptions would the Catholic faith have for me and what the general view of having feelings towards guys is in the Church (besides the obvious “it’s wrong, you’re going to hell for your choice.”)
 
There’s a wonderful apostolate called Courage that helps Catholics with same sex attraction to deal with their attraction in a truly Christian way. This is the website, and you can call your diocese to see if there is a chapter in your area. There is no condemnation, only loving help.
 
It’s a heavy burden, but we are all yoked differently with our own burdens, but God never asks more of us than we can handle. God calls us all to live chastely according to our station in life. This also means we should guard our thoughts and inclinations and avoid occasions of sin. It sounds like you may be having difficulty with some of those things.

If I were in your shoes I would speak to my priest about finding a good spiritual director to help guide me in these matters. It seems like that might help a lot. There are lots of faithful Catholics out there who struggle with the same problem.
 
I know that it is a heavy burden and others have their own issues to deal with that is similarly (to them at least) the same amount of a struggle as this is to me but their struggles they can at least seek help with it. Where I’m from, everyone is very hostile to gays and even if you were one seeking help you’d be discriminated against.
 
Untruth said:
I know that it is a heavy burden and others have their own issues to deal with that is similarly (to them at least) the same amount of a struggle as this is to me but their struggles they can at least seek help with it. Where I’m from, everyone is very hostile to gays and even if you were one seeking help you’d be discriminated against.
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That’s definitely a tough spot to be in. 😦

I would agree with Betsy about contacting the Courage apostolate (which you can do discreetly, if that would make you feel more comfortable). They are far more equipped to give you useful advice than most of us here on this forum (though there are a few posters here who have gone through what you are going through, and I hope they find this thread and are able to give you some good insight and feedback).

God bless!
 
If you have put women on a pedestal where they are untouchable, it might that you fear women, more than being attracted to men.

Pornography is disrespectful and degrading to both genders. We are human beings, not sexual objects, so if you look at porn, you are looking at a warped view of sex that isn’t about love or family. Sex is only a small part of life, but porn (and our culture in general) makes sex a 24/7 ‘thing’ that is not love.

Pray to St Michael the Archangel.
 
Hi Untruth,

First off, I am also gay. Let me see if I can help you out a bit. Having feelings or attractions for members of our sex, in this case other guys, is not a sin. The sin would be for us to act on those feelings. As others have already said, it can be a heavy cross to carry. I think a lot of people do not really realize what it means to be gay. This is understandable; most people really don’t have a point of reference. For a lot of people what they know about a gay person is what they see on TV or maybe read in the newspaper. Some people will make assumptions about you, but that is on them and not you. If you run across people who are hostile to you, simply say a prayer for them and move on. You know who you are and so does God. He knows what you are trying to do and he knows your struggles.

You sound like you are still somewhat young, if I am wrong I am apologize. I am now 39 and I am at a very different point with this than I was when I was in my 20s. It has taken me some time to come to terms that I will not be able to have a committed / physical relationship with another man. Slowly with the help of God I have changed my focus from things of this world to desires for things of the next world. I try to remember that one day all of this will be worth it. One day I hope to be able to stand before Jesus and hear him say the words. “Well done good and faithful servant”. Of course I am still working on this and I still have some challenges. Trust me there is hope, it will take some work and there will probably be some stumbles on the way. If we fall we have confession to aid us on our way and to restore us.

Courage is a great place to start. There is a courage group here on CAF. It is a bit quiet, but that could always change. Also there is a online courage group on Yahoo.
God Bless and please feel free to contact me if you ever need help.
 
Untruth,

Are you questioning your committment toward a chaste relationship with Christ and others? (Your comment “Dating a guy” and your attraction to pornography as examples.)

Chastity is a life long mental exercise - time and committment will make you stronger emotionally both with men and with women.

I would recommend that you become more deeply involved in chastity groups or with Courage so that you find group support. Speak with Jesus and talk with your priest about chastity and SSA.

Chastity is very healing and it is comforting. With time, its practice enables men and women to be together without sexuality becoming an issue.

Right now, IMO you need to embrace chastity and to be around men and woman who hold chastity as their standard of conduct.
 
Untruth,
First of all, I don’t believe it is a choice. That said, I think for all of us, its important to remember that every human being experiences an inner restlessness. We try hard to figure out what will resolve and satisfy our longing and quickly we start thinking “I need more this.” “I need more that” or “I need this thing that is out of my reach.” Sometimes that inner restlessness will disappear for a little while as we temporarily get ahold of that thing that seemed out of reach, but it isn’t too long before again we find we’re unsatisfied. As such, this is where much sin enters the world. Its where hearts get broken. Its where we turn inward instead of focusing our lives on loving and serving others through the vocation God has given us. We feel that we just need that one thing or more of that one thing and then we’ll be happy and free to take our focus off of ourselves.

The problem is that these things will never satisfy us because what our heart longs for the most is God. It is a longing that will never be fully satisfied till we are in Heaven, though I can say that sometimes receiving the Eucharist gives me a hint of Heaven sometimes.

I think the issue is that you think you need a lifelong companion to fill this void. You’re focused on this world. I think a lot of heterosexuals do this as well. They can’t stand not having a companion of some sort for a very long time at all. They live constantly searching, getting obsessed with dating and growing especially restless the older they get and the longer they stay single. In fact, many of them can get resentful about their singlehood.

I seem to have come to the realization that I needed to avoid that restlessness and focus strictly on God and serving him when I was 20. I never went on a lot of dates. Definitely I struggled with my desire to marry. I wanted it to go away and to stop tormenting me, but eventually I learned that my heart rested in that desire and that I needed to hand that desire more completely to God. Moreover, as i grew closer to God, the more my standards in another person increased and the less likely I felt it would be to ever meet someone like that. I mean, the person would have to compete with God for my heart. Whose better than God? And who would I want to compete with God?

Eventually I saw getting married not as a path toward solving my inner restlessness, but as an act of obedience to God. I only wanted to marry if it was indeed God’s will for me. And I think that is ultimately what God wants of all people. We’re all supposed to be living for God and figuring out what He wants of us rather than “What do I need to acquire to stop feeling restless?”

The thing is, right now you know that acting on the urge to be with someone of the same sex is immoral. Does that mean you need to try to redirect your desire to someone of the opposite sex only to frustrate yourself further? No. I would advise to direct your heart toward God alone. Hand it and all of yourself over to Him and simply pray and search for the path He’s leading you on. Offer up your suffering to Him and strive to be chaste. Maybe this confused state will transition to something that would allow you to marry a woman or maybe it won’t. You don’t know. But I will say you will be the happiest if you continually search for your vocation and serve God the way He’s calling you to serve Him.
 
Untruth said:
Hi there

I haven’t been here in a long while and since then I’ve been going through a lot. I’ve been trying to convince myself that I wasn’t gay to believing I am to now being confused. Throughout all of it, I’ve had religion as the main factor as to why I haven’t done anything more than just be quietly attracted to guys. I never bothered reaching out to other gay guys to date or anything because I was so confused and my religion said that it was a sin. I know that most people will be extremely harsh want me to either change completely to being straight or just have no romantic relationships for the rest of my life. As I’ve gotten older it gets harder and harder because I have this feeling of wanting a life companion. I completely disagree with people that claim that homosexual attraction is a “choice” because I would never have chosen the amount of confusion, occasional self-loathing and fear that I’m experiencing now and I doubt anyone else who is gay would have chosen to be harassed/bullied/tormented. Anyway…

With this knowledge in hand, I was wondering what suggestions or prescriptions would the Catholic faith have for me and what the general view of having feelings towards guys is in the Church (besides the obvious “it’s wrong, you’re going to hell for your choice.”)
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Dear brother in Jesus.

The Church condemns no one to hell.
You’ll always have a friend in Jesus no matter what happens.

I am also living in celibacy at this time… and its no fun cause I’d like to be married and have 3 kids.
We all have our crosses… Yours is big, no doubt about it. But something good can come out of everything, that’s what we believe, yes?

I say this on some scolarly basis,
Your attractions are not your choice and not your fault. So be at peace about that, nomatter what ignorant people say.

I recommend you, with urge, to get your hands on the book called: Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality. By Joseph Nicolosi, Ph.D
I wish all guys suffering from ssa would read this book…
You will read it and if you see yourself in it then it will help you. I believe it will not disappoint you but a lot of things will be clear to you.

Peace be with you.
 
white_sheep said:
It’s a heavy burden, but we are all yoked differently with our own burdens, but God never asks more of us than we can handle. God calls us all to live chastely according to our station in life. This also means we should guard our thoughts and inclinations and avoid occasions of sin. It sounds like you may be having difficulty with some of those things.
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Good call white sheep 👍
 
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