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I am very confused over my vocation and I am not sure what to make of my thoughts. Hence I have decided to post my feelings in here for people to look at and provide advice for.
Here’s the rundown on everything…sorry for the length but to understand where I’m coming from I need to provide A LOT of detail:
I was born into a Catholic family but not raised Catholic; I didn’t get involved with the Faith again until late high school/early college, although I did have religious phases here and there and the Faith was always important to me at least in a very, very minor way at different points in time. When I actually started getting back into religion I assumed I’d be a priest someday, but I am not sure why this was. It was just the assumption I had from the point of my conversion. But also, since middle school, and before my religious reawakening, I had a desire to date which grew stronger in high school. Unfortunately I horribly butchered my efforts to date: I would ask girls left and right if they wanted “to date me”, not realzing that it is actulally a gradual process—I doubt that I have even fully accepted this even now at age 22.
Anyway, starting sometime in early college a priest (my pseudo-spiritual director as I call him, since I went to him often for spiritual advice and had been doing so for a year or two, although nothing was formal and my visits with him were sporadic and random) gave me a copy of The Seven Storey Mountain by Thomas Merton to read since I wanted to get more information on the Faith and Christ. It was a hardcore book and after reading it I was filled with dread that unless I became a monk I would be damned to Hell (although I think most people reading this felt the same way themselves afterwards). Afetr reading it I continued on my religious life as usual.
Now a year or two later I went on a planning retreat with members of the executive board of my school’s Catholic ministry at a Benedictine monastery, where the pastor/monk from our local parish is a member—this was the first time I EVER visited a monastery. After coming back from the trip I felt at peace and felt that I wanted to become a monk, also thinking about how I wouldn’t have to worry about having to care for a wife and kids, get a real-world job, and so on. After that week, though, the feeling completely disappeared.
During that following summer I felt spiritually unsettled and felt that I didn’t truly know Christ—a realization that came after attending a Theology on Tap meeting. Upset and confused I went back to the local pastor/monk and spoke with him about my feelings and to ask for spiritual advice. I only really did it vecause he was convenient and my normal “pseudo-spiritual director” is very hard to get in touch with—you’ll call him and he’ll take a week or two to respond, probably because he is a very busy man.
The local pastor/monk stated that it was highly unusual that I had 1) Read the Seven Storey Mountain and 2) Felt the way I did after going to visit the monastery. He instructed me to date but to keep the idea of the consecrated life open as an option, the latter proving to be a very unsettling and upsetting piece of advice.
I also asked for advice from my pseudo-spiritual director when I could actually get in cobtact with him. I had been going to him for Confession since my conversion and knew him decently well. I had a lot of contact with him before going to school, at which point it became difficult to contact him since it would take him a long time to reply to any emails or calls I sent. He told me that I should forgo dating and pursue the consecrated life, questioning if I had the skills to be a father (especially considering that I have never really dated before). I also told him of my desire to want to teach theology for a living but he questioned if I could get a job AND make the kind of money necessary to raise a family. I still want to teach theology though, even though this suggestion did initially put a damper on things!
But recently I decided to get a new spiritual director. This was largely prompted by the fact that I couldn’t maintain regular communication with the priest from back home, a problem if I need to seek regular spiritual direction. And I don’t trust the local pastor anymore for spiritual advice now that I think about it. Instead I am going to see the pastor of another local parish that I had emailed a few weeks back about spiritual advice. It came about when I tried seeking spiritual advice from other priests I trusted only to find that 1) the first priest is now the Provincial of his order and is no longer at his parish, and 2) another good priest couldn’t take-on any more spiritual directees. I tried contacting another parish where I trust the priests there, but they never replied. Instead, the pastor of this other local parish responded to my email and said he could be of help.
Continued below…
Here’s the rundown on everything…sorry for the length but to understand where I’m coming from I need to provide A LOT of detail:
I was born into a Catholic family but not raised Catholic; I didn’t get involved with the Faith again until late high school/early college, although I did have religious phases here and there and the Faith was always important to me at least in a very, very minor way at different points in time. When I actually started getting back into religion I assumed I’d be a priest someday, but I am not sure why this was. It was just the assumption I had from the point of my conversion. But also, since middle school, and before my religious reawakening, I had a desire to date which grew stronger in high school. Unfortunately I horribly butchered my efforts to date: I would ask girls left and right if they wanted “to date me”, not realzing that it is actulally a gradual process—I doubt that I have even fully accepted this even now at age 22.
Anyway, starting sometime in early college a priest (my pseudo-spiritual director as I call him, since I went to him often for spiritual advice and had been doing so for a year or two, although nothing was formal and my visits with him were sporadic and random) gave me a copy of The Seven Storey Mountain by Thomas Merton to read since I wanted to get more information on the Faith and Christ. It was a hardcore book and after reading it I was filled with dread that unless I became a monk I would be damned to Hell (although I think most people reading this felt the same way themselves afterwards). Afetr reading it I continued on my religious life as usual.
Now a year or two later I went on a planning retreat with members of the executive board of my school’s Catholic ministry at a Benedictine monastery, where the pastor/monk from our local parish is a member—this was the first time I EVER visited a monastery. After coming back from the trip I felt at peace and felt that I wanted to become a monk, also thinking about how I wouldn’t have to worry about having to care for a wife and kids, get a real-world job, and so on. After that week, though, the feeling completely disappeared.
During that following summer I felt spiritually unsettled and felt that I didn’t truly know Christ—a realization that came after attending a Theology on Tap meeting. Upset and confused I went back to the local pastor/monk and spoke with him about my feelings and to ask for spiritual advice. I only really did it vecause he was convenient and my normal “pseudo-spiritual director” is very hard to get in touch with—you’ll call him and he’ll take a week or two to respond, probably because he is a very busy man.
The local pastor/monk stated that it was highly unusual that I had 1) Read the Seven Storey Mountain and 2) Felt the way I did after going to visit the monastery. He instructed me to date but to keep the idea of the consecrated life open as an option, the latter proving to be a very unsettling and upsetting piece of advice.
I also asked for advice from my pseudo-spiritual director when I could actually get in cobtact with him. I had been going to him for Confession since my conversion and knew him decently well. I had a lot of contact with him before going to school, at which point it became difficult to contact him since it would take him a long time to reply to any emails or calls I sent. He told me that I should forgo dating and pursue the consecrated life, questioning if I had the skills to be a father (especially considering that I have never really dated before). I also told him of my desire to want to teach theology for a living but he questioned if I could get a job AND make the kind of money necessary to raise a family. I still want to teach theology though, even though this suggestion did initially put a damper on things!
But recently I decided to get a new spiritual director. This was largely prompted by the fact that I couldn’t maintain regular communication with the priest from back home, a problem if I need to seek regular spiritual direction. And I don’t trust the local pastor anymore for spiritual advice now that I think about it. Instead I am going to see the pastor of another local parish that I had emailed a few weeks back about spiritual advice. It came about when I tried seeking spiritual advice from other priests I trusted only to find that 1) the first priest is now the Provincial of his order and is no longer at his parish, and 2) another good priest couldn’t take-on any more spiritual directees. I tried contacting another parish where I trust the priests there, but they never replied. Instead, the pastor of this other local parish responded to my email and said he could be of help.
Continued below…