Conscience in free fall, despair right behind me

[scrupulousrvrt]

posted on another forum: It’s happening. my brain is self destructing and my conscience is in free fall. almost everything i do is a sin and im constantly bombarded with doubts, intrusive thoughts and obsessions. particularly around demonic possession and blasphemy. my dr’s appointment got me a ssri increase but i still can’t get a spiritual director for one reason or another and im frankly, sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time.
it doesn’t help the fact that some internet catholics erroneously consider scrupulosity a grave sin against the virtue of Hope. it also doesn’t help the fact that when the scrupulous try to help themselves, their help is cut off because their “help” is a sin (drinking, despairing, rejecting their consciences or even lifting a finger in the direction of their consciences) so their either stuck with scrupulosity or damned if they do, damned if they don’t. thats not to mention the catch-22’s i find myself in.
Just last month in extreme stress (and possibly psychosis) I took a knife and pretended my mattress was my conscience and went Julius Caesar on it, saying “why dost thou betray me?”. objects and glass was broken at the end of it.

 

[HomeschoolDad]

Please contact your doctor immediately (or, depending on where you are and when you get this, first thing tomorrow) and tell him or her exactly what you have said here. This sounds far more like an organic problem than a spiritual one. Quite frankly,it doesn't sound like a spiritual problem at all. Your sensitivity in this area is due to your faith and your sense of morality. Someone without such a faith would likely have obsessions and compulsions in other areas of life instead.

Don't pay any attention to these "Internet Catholics" to whom you refer. Many such people lack spiritual balance themselves. They're nobody to listen to.

And I will just say, while for some a spiritual director is a good thing, the vast majority of Catholics do not have one. There is nothing in the Catechism or anywhere else that says you have to. A simple confessor is all you need.