Consequences of sin - artifical insemination

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ivana_2

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After almost two years without pregnancy, I went to see the doctor and he suggested we do artificial insemination by husband. Since back then I knew nothing about infertility and its moral aspects (was not going to church) he explained it so simply and logically and we have easily accepted to the procedure. During the procedure I knew something was off. I felt it, but did not know better. (we used coitus interruptus for obtaining the germ cells) I got pregnant with twins and was scared and confused… With this bitter experience I got twins. They came prematurely and we are still dealing with the consequences, but everything might be fine (they are nine months old now).

I don’t think I can ever forgive myself for taking the right of my children to be the fruit of a conjugal act and for proposing to my husband to go through with this. The fact that back then I did not know what does it mean and that it is a sin is not helpful at all. I have been calling God, but for the first time in my life he seems absent. I know he doesn’t have to help me, but I never thought I could lose him. I have spent the last year crying and hoping for a miracle to resolve this situation, but every time I see my children a feeling that they are illicit totally overwhelms me. Guilt is slowly killing me and I see that I cannot go through it without God’s grace, but what to do in what seems to be irreparable situation without a crumb of grace…
 
Love your children. They are gifts. If you feel guilty about the way they came about, then don’t do that again. Move on. And don’t ever let your children hear you say the things you typed in your post.
 
But the issue is that I cant move on. I dont know why… its like I am in a dark cloud and it is pressing me more and more each day. I wouldnt be writing if I wasnt desperate.
 
I think what you are describing is guilt. You need to figure out how to get rid of it. For Catholics that may be going to confession. . For other people it may be talking to a therapist and figuring out a way to remove the unhealthy guilt from your conscience. Approach it as a health concern. This kind of guilt can be very bad for your physical health. It sounds like you will need help with this. So don’t be afraid to ask for help and reach out to professionals who can help you and put you on the path of healing.
 
I’m thinking you might have post partum depression.

Please understand, the Church is against artificial insemination and IVF, but in NO WAY are the children concieved by these means considered damaged goods or less-than.

Your babies have all the same dignity as any other child of God.

They are every bit as beloved.

At the same time, welcome back to the Church (or to a deeper walk with Jesus)

Hugs! And prayers!

And please, consult with your doctor.

❤️❤️❤️
 
I have been going to a Christian family therapist, but since it’s a free of charge they don’t give much appointments. Since I when to a regular therapist when deciding wheter to go with this treatment I dont wanna do that again.

Don’t get me wrong, I take very good care of my children, but what is going on inside me literally feels like hell.
 
In addition to remembering 1 John 1:9, I recommend talking to your OB about postpartum depression or anxiety. This is very common, very treatable, and can occur even several months after birth. Your babies will do best if you are not debilitated by thoughts of your own actions. Best wishes.
 
ivana_2 said:
But the issue is that I cant move on. I dont know why… its like I am in a dark cloud and it is pressing me more and more each day. I wouldnt be writing if I wasnt desperate.
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@QwertyGirl is right. If you haven’t confessed this you need to.

If you have then remember that Saul murdered Christians before he became Saint Paul. God’s mercy is endless provided we repent.
 
Post partum depression can also happen if you had a rough road to motherhood.

Which seems all backward because you would think that somebody who worked harder to have a baby would feel more rejoicing.

But it happened to one of my neighbors—took a long time to get pregnant, finally had twins (like you), and was totally gobsmacked that she became deeply depressed.
 
ivana_2 said:
But the issue is that I cant move on. I dont know why… its like I am in a dark cloud and it is pressing me more and more each day. I wouldnt be writing if I wasnt desperate.
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Get some counseling from your pastor. You need to forgive yourself. God does. He has not abandoned you.
 
But I can’t forgive myself on my own, as funny as that seems… I need help from Him, but what if it never comes?
 
I have confessed this, but I am still mourning the loss. Its like something inside of me screams and there is no Him to show me the way out. Until now I always knew what to do.
 
I have this feeling that my childen are stollen, since they come from conjugal act that they dont belong to me… and yes it is killing me inside.
 
Hey ivana_2, you know what would be very encouraging for us to see?

Seeing you write something along the lines of, “Yes, this might have something to do with post-partum depression. I will make an appointment with a medical doctor and explore that possbility.”

And then maybe a report back after you’ve seen him.
 
I agree that PPD may be the trigger. I am going to a Christian therapist which is also a medical doctor, but since it is free of charge I have a long wait between the appointments. I don’t wanna go to a regular doctor or therapist because I went to see one when deciding what to do about fertility treatments and was encouraged to do it…
 
My catholic therapist uses approach which has not much to do with religion, and at least I am sure about not receiving bad advice again. But I agree I should talk to a priest again. My soul feels so wounded that I would do absolutely anything to heal.
 
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