I honestly think this will become better with time, the more you see your children grow and have fond memories of interaction with them, the guilt will slowly fade off. You should try to remember your first intentions when you confirmed the IUI. Most women do it for good reasons such as you had, many women rush into it because of the time clock they have ticking. Whichever reason you had it was not purposeful to go against God or be deceitful. You wanted a child to increase fulfillment in family and love. Take those steps of care for your children personally for yourself as well. You can start with remembering good things that you have done, saying positive things in the mirror such as “I am a good mother” or “I am a good wife” rather than drag yourself down. The worst thing you can do is psychologically torment yourself, as if you torment yourself that you cannot go back in time and change what has happened. If that mentality continues, then how can you move on? You literally cannot from that stand point.
This quote here is from St. Faustina’s Diary, and I understand that at times we cannot control our feelings due to the ups and downs of hormones, but at after a certain point the negative impacts can be a habit.
" My child, know that the greatest obstacles to holiness are discouragement and an exaggerated anxiety. These will deprive you of the ability to practice virtue. All temptations united together ought not disturb your interior peace, not even momentarily. Sensitiveness and discouragement are the fruits of self-love. You should not become discouraged, but strive to make My love reign in place of your self-love. Have confidence, My child. Do not lose heart in coming for pardon, for I am always ready to forgive you. As often as you beg for it, you glorify My mercy."
Another quote:
“Well, My child, this time you have told Me a good deal. I realize how painful it is not to be understood, and especially by those whom one loves and with whom one has been very open. But suffice it to know that I understand all your troubles and misery. I am pleased by the deep faith you have, despite everything, in My representatives. Learn from this that no one will understand a soul entirely-that is beyond human ability. Therefore, I have remained on earth to comfort your aching heart and to fortify your soul, so that you will not falter on the way. You say that a dense darkness is obscuring your mind. But why, at such times, do you not come to Me, the light who can in an instant pour into your soul more understanding about holiness than can be found in any books? No confessor is capable of teaching and enlightening a soul in this way.
Know, too, that the darkness about which you complain I first endured in the Garden of Olives when My Soul was crushed in mortal anguish. I am giving you a share in those sufferings because of My special love for you and in view of the high degree of holiness I am intending for you in heaven. A suffering soul is closest to My Heart.”
