'Conservative' Catholics- Would you invite your adult child's same-sex partner to family gatherings at your home?

[Kelly_S]

I consider myself a conservative, imperfect Catholic in need of some perspective. This summer my sister and her same-sex partner were legally wed. My sister’s partner had never been invited to gatherings at my parents’ house, and now that their commitment level has increased, my sister has decided to stay away from places her partner is unwelcome.

I’m hardly a gay-rights activist, but my sister and her partner are always welcome in my home. At the same time, I respect my parents’ right to determine who is welcome in their home.

Here’s where I could use some perspective: Are my parents being unduly harsh, or just practicing tough love? My husband, children and I live close to my parents and see them often, would it be unkind for me to decline their invitations to events where not everyone is welcome?

Any insight/advice would be appreciated.

 

[Captain_America]

I’m 51. I would be extremely uncomfortable in this setting. It’s very, very unpleasant to me to see the open (to me, “in your face”) homosexual stuff, as if it is morally acceptable.

It’s a little like having to watch a bloody car accident scene all afternoon.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

I consider myself a conservative, imperfect Catholic in need of some perspective. This summer my sister and her same-sex partner were legally wed. My sister’s partner had never been invited to gatherings at my parents’ house, and now that their commitment level has increased, my sister has decided to stay away from places her partner is unwelcome.

I’m hardly a gay-rights activist, but my sister and her partner are always welcome in my home. At the same time, I respect my parents’ right to determine who is welcome in their home.

Here’s where I could use some perspective: Are my parents being unduly harsh, or just practicing tough love? My husband, children and I live close to my parents and see them often,** would it be unkind for me to decline their invitations to events where not everyone is welcome?**

Yes, I think it would. Your parents have the right to decide whom to invite in their home, as you yourself mentioned above.

I wouldn’t feel right about inviting someone’s same-sex partner to a family gathering. If there were kids there, then for sure I wouldn’t do it. That’s a tough situation, though–there’s no easy way to handle it.

 

[SuscipeMeDomine]

It wasn’t until after I grew up that I realized that a regular at family gatherings – Uncle Phillip’s friend – was actually more than a friend. They never acted inappropriately in front of me and I simply bought the idea that this was a friend who came along to dinner.

Of course I was a child a long time ago and things are different now. But if Uncle Phillip or Aunt Susie is willing to skip over intimate life details and treat the other person as a platonic friend at gatherings, then why not invite them?

 

[TheDoctor]

Here’s where I could use some perspective: Are my parents being unduly harsh, or just practicing tough love? My husband, children and I live close to my parents and see them often, would it be unkind for me to decline their invitations to events where not everyone is welcome?Any insight/advice would be appreciated.

Practicing tough love is meant to change someone’s mind. I doubt that your grown gay sister is going to become straight because she can’t come to family dinner, so don’t even worry about that.

Unduly harsh? Not for us to decide but from my perspective, although I have not been in exactly the same situation, I try to follow the “hate the sin, love the sinner concept”. Our married/divorced/re-married family/friends are welcome. Our unmarried openly sleeping together family/friends are welcome. Our unmarried cohabiting family/friends are welcome. Our gay family/friends are welcome. They are welcome in our home, but they follow our rules (for example, if you are not married you don’t get to sleep together under our roof). If I don’t approve of your choices, I can tell you why I think your decision is bad, but you and your “friend” are not bad. I am not anywhere near perfect, but it is how I think I am called to be.

It’s mom and dad’s house and their rules. You will be seen as taking sides no matter what you do, so do what you think is best for your relationship and family. Maybe you are being called to be the peacemaker. Tough road to hoe.

If I may, I will pray for wisdom and understanding for everyone.

 

[bisco]

how to love them, yet not show approval of their behavior. a conundrum for sure.

 

[kozlosap]

Practicing tough love is meant to change someone’s mind. I doubt that your grown gay sister is going to become straight because she can’t come to family dinner, so don’t even worry about that.

Unduly harsh? Not for us to decide but from my perspective, although I have not been in exactly the same situation, I try to follow the “hate the sin, love the sinner concept”. Our married/divorced/re-married family/friends are welcome. Our unmarried openly sleeping together family/friends are welcome. Our unmarried cohabiting family/friends are welcome. Our gay family/friends are welcome. They are welcome in our home, but they follow our rules (for example, if you are not married you don’t get to sleep together under our roof). If I don’t approve of your choices, I can tell you why I think your decision is bad, but you and your “friend” are not bad. I am not anywhere near perfect, but it is how I think I am called to be.

It’s mom and dad’s house and their rules. You will be seen as taking sides no matter what you do, so do what you think is best for your relationship and family. Maybe you are being called to be the peacemaker. Tough road to hoe.

If I may, I will pray for wisdom and understanding for everyone.

:thumbsup:excellent and thoughtful advise.

 

[phillylawyer]

I consider myself a conservative, imperfect Catholic in need of some perspective. This summer my sister and her same-sex partner were legally wed. My sister’s partner had never been invited to gatherings at my parents’ house, and now that their commitment level has increased, my sister has decided to stay away from places her partner is unwelcome.

I’m hardly a gay-rights activist, but my sister and her partner are always welcome in my home. At the same time, I respect my parents’ right to determine who is welcome in their home.

Here’s where I could use some perspective: Are my parents being unduly harsh, or just practicing tough love? My husband, children and I live close to my parents and see them often, would it be unkind for me to decline their invitations to events where not everyone is welcome?

Any insight/advice would be appreciated.

I would certainly consider continue inviting your sister into your home. However, I wouldn’t stop going to your parents’ house. They are both adults and they have to deal with their own relationship (or lack thereof).

If your sister ever asks why you go to mom’s house when she isn’t invited, say, “You know how I hang out with you even thought with some of your decisions, and you hang out with me even though I’m sure you disagree with some of my decisions. Same thing with mom.”

 

[signit]

We had a discussion like this not too long ago.

Yes, I think it would. Your parents have the right to decide whom to invite in their home, as you yourself mentioned above.

I wouldn’t feel right about inviting someone’s same-sex partner to a family gathering. If there were kids there, then for sure I wouldn’t do it. That’s a tough situation, though–there’s no easy way to handle it.

Well, first, absolutely your parents have the right to make the call for their home.

If I were the host I might invite the couple provided of course they don’t stay in the same room “under my roof” (as another suggested), just like I might invite any other sinner, like my uncle the alcoholic. If there were young ones present I might, depending on their age, say something to them privately like “This is what Susie and Leah believe. They believe it’s all right for two women to live together as a married couple. We’re Catholics; we don’t do that.”

 

[MaryT777]

Practicing tough love is meant to change someone’s mind. I doubt that your grown gay sister is going to become straight because she can’t come to family dinner, so don’t even worry about that.

Unduly harsh? Not for us to decide but from my perspective, although I have not been in exactly the same situation, I try to follow the “hate the sin, love the sinner concept”. Our married/divorced/re-married family/friends are welcome. Our unmarried openly sleeping together family/friends are welcome. Our unmarried cohabiting family/friends are welcome. Our gay family/friends are welcome. They are welcome in our home, but they follow our rules (for example, if you are not married you don’t get to sleep together under our roof). If I don’t approve of your choices, I can tell you why I think your decision is bad, but you and your “friend” are not bad. I am not anywhere near perfect, but it is how I think I am called to be.

It’s mom and dad’s house and their rules. You will be seen as taking sides no matter what you do, so do what you think is best for your relationship and family. Maybe you are being called to be the peacemaker. Tough road to hoe.

If I may, I will pray for wisdom and understanding for everyone.

Well said,and my sentiments exactly.
Mary.

 

[Allegra]

Yes.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

I’m 51. I would be extremely uncomfortable in this setting. It’s very, very unpleasant to me to see the open (to me, “in your face”) homosexual stuff, as if it is morally acceptable.

It’s a little like having to watch a bloody car accident scene all afternoon.

At my family gatherings, no one is " in your face" about any sexual attraction. While you know that aunt and uncle is married, they don’t sit in laps or make out. I am married. I don’t show any public displays of affection. Thinking about most of my family and my husband’s family, no one is all over anyone at family gatherings. I don’t care if you have been married 100 years, " in your face" PDA is just nasty. It is especially nasty at family gatherings.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Practicing tough love is meant to change someone’s mind. I doubt that your grown gay sister is going to become straight because she can’t come to family dinner, so don’t even worry about that.

Unduly harsh? Not for us to decide but from my perspective, although I have not been in exactly the same situation, I try to follow the “hate the sin, love the sinner concept”. Our married/divorced/re-married family/friends are welcome. Our unmarried openly sleeping together family/friends are welcome. Our unmarried cohabiting family/friends are welcome. Our gay family/friends are welcome. They are welcome in our home, but they follow our rules (for example, if you are not married you don’t get to sleep together under our roof). If I don’t approve of your choices, I can tell you why I think your decision is bad, but you and your “friend” are not bad. I am not anywhere near perfect, but it is how I think I am called to be.

It’s mom and dad’s house and their rules. You will be seen as taking sides no matter what you do, so do what you think is best for your relationship and family. Maybe you are being called to be the peacemaker. Tough road to hoe.

If I may, I will pray for wisdom and understanding for everyone.

 

[mountee]

What a tough situation and I am not sure what I would do in your shoes. Everyone has to be able to live with their choices and decisions and in your case having children means that your choices will also greatly influence them. In the current situation in our country state after state have legalized gay marriage and your children will live in a world that is a lot more accepting than ours was. It would probably be a very good time to start down the road of teaching them how to be respectful and loving and still maintain the church’s doctrine for themselves. God bless you with a plan.

 

[mdleagedguy]

Whether a person has temptations and whether the person acts on those temptations are two separate issues. If there is a chance they might act on their temptations in front of my children then no way. My wife has two gay cousins. One would be welcome in our home because we wouldn’t have to do any awkward explaining to our children. The other would not because he would be very in-your-face about it.

Regarding people thinking it scandalous if you exclude them, I look at it from the flip side. I was once shunned by a gay co-worker because he knew I was a devout Catholic. He didn’t get to know me, didn’t want to. The fact that I was a Catholic with eight kids was enough. I would HAVE to be a bigot, right? This is what I was told by co-workers he had confided in when I asked why he always ignored me.

The supposed scandal that we cause for our beliefs on marriage is not the scandal they call it. It’s actually their own intolerance for our religion. I make no apologies for my religion. I will treat others with love and respect, and this includes respecting my children’s right to have good examples set for them. If someone wants to violate my children’s right to a good upbringing, I’m not going to let them. If they want to then engage in the emotional blackmail of getting all indignant if we do the right thing, that’s their problem. Behave yourself, and you’re welcome in my home. Don’t behave yourself? Then you’re not welcome.

 

[bmaj]

I consider myself a conservative, imperfect Catholic in need of some perspective. This summer my sister and her same-sex partner were legally wed. My sister’s partner had never been invited to gatherings at my parents’ house, and now that their commitment level has increased, my sister has decided to stay away from places her partner is unwelcome.

I’m hardly a gay-rights activist, but my sister and her partner are always welcome in my home. At the same time, I respect my parents’ right to determine who is welcome in their home.

Here’s where I could use some perspective: Are my parents being unduly harsh, or just practicing tough love? My husband, children and I live close to my parents and see them often, would it be unkind for me to decline their invitations to events where not everyone is welcome?

Any insight/advice would be appreciated.

Tough call, no matter what. Your parents have every right to make the rules for their home just as you do for yours. It must hurt them deeply inside not to see their own daughter, but that’s their decision. I personally would still go myself with my family to gatherings at their home, though, even if my sister and her partner were not invited. As others have posted previously, if there will be children present at any family gatherings, I would not want them exposed to any overt homosexual talk or PDA’s no matter whose house it were in, but I would discuss the Church’s stand and my personal feelings with my own children privately when they’re old enough to understand the implications.
Good luck with whatever you decide, and please remember that children are very impressionable. Family peace to all of you!

 

[Burt_Macklin]

Yes, I would. I can’t imagine going without seeing one of my own children and I’ve never known religious shunning to have its intended effect.

My parents shunned my brother for living with his girlfriend and he did end up getting married in the church but only just to shut my parents up. He doesn’t go to church and isn’t particularly religious but lies about it to keep the peace. If he were to tell them he doesn’t go to mass they would likely go back to shunning him. I don’t think you’ll ever change a persons heart by using social rejection.

 

[RedFox0456]

I would absolutely invite them both into my home. I have friends who choose to live this lifestyle, and we have had discussions where I made it very clear where I stand on the matter. And yet we still meet up for drinks, joke around, and participate in our common interests. You will never be able to share the absolute love, mercy, and joy that a relationship with Jesus Christ offers if you don’t meet people where they are.

 

[johnnyc176]

I consider myself a conservative, imperfect Catholic in need of some perspective. This summer my sister and her same-sex partner were legally wed. My sister’s partner had never been invited to gatherings at my parents’ house, and now that their commitment level has increased, my sister has decided to stay away from places her partner is unwelcome.

I’m hardly a gay-rights activist, but my sister and her partner are always welcome in my home. At the same time, I respect my parents’ right to determine who is welcome in their home.

Here’s where I could use some perspective: Are my parents being unduly harsh, or just practicing tough love? My husband, children and I live close to my parents and see them often, would it be unkind for me to decline their invitations to events where not everyone is welcome?

Any insight/advice would be appreciated.

Do you recognize it as a marriage? Your parents probably do not see it as a marriage and you say you respect your parents decision. So why would you show disrespect to your parents?

Btw…what is a conservative imperfect Catholic? Aren’t we all imperfect?

 

[SuperLuigi]

I consider myself a conservative, imperfect Catholic in need of some perspective. This summer my sister and her same-sex partner were legally wed. My sister’s partner had never been invited to gatherings at my parents’ house, and now that their commitment level has increased, my sister has decided to stay away from places her partner is unwelcome.

I’m hardly a gay-rights activist, but my sister and her partner are always welcome in my home. At the same time, I respect my parents’ right to determine who is welcome in their home.

Here’s where I could use some perspective: Are my parents being unduly harsh, or just practicing tough love? My husband, children and I live close to my parents and see them often, would it be unkind for me to decline their invitations to events where not everyone is welcome?

Any insight/advice would be appreciated.

I’m really not sure what the exact morality of that is. I would just visit your priest and ask him to what extent you’d be materially cooperating with sin.