'Conservative' Catholics- Would you invite your adult child's same-sex partner to family gatherings at your home?

[gardenswithkids]

I agree with what you’re saying about the duties of a parent, but my mother sometimes acts like she alone is responsible for our salvation. As if neither us nor God had anything to do with it. No human being ‘gets us into heaven’. The concern she shows is admirable, but she gives no witness to love or seeking and trusting God, only chastisement and fear.

Your mother likely has considerable fear over this situation and perhaps far more. It’s not uncommon for mothers to feel guilt about their parenting, and it’s not uncommon for Catholics to feel guilty in general. If she’s giving off vibes of chastisement and fear, it may very well be that she’s reflecting something of what’s going on in her interior spiritual life. Please do not cut off you parents over how they react to your sister. Don’t let either your parents or your sister put you in the middle of this. While Gods saves us individually, He also saves entire families. Your parents are scared about your sister’s salvation–and perhaps their own as well. Show them all God’s love. At some point, some of us need to become the witness of God to our parents. That reversal of roles marks a certain passage into spiritual maturity.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I consider myself a conservative, imperfect Catholic in need of some perspective. This summer my sister and her same-sex partner were legally wed. My sister’s partner had never been invited to gatherings at my parents’ house, and now that their commitment level has increased, my sister has decided to stay away from places her partner is unwelcome.

I’m hardly a gay-rights activist, but my sister and her partner are always welcome in my home. At the same time, I respect my parents’ right to determine who is welcome in their home.

Here’s where I could use some perspective: Are my parents being unduly harsh, or just practicing tough love? My husband, children and I live close to my parents and see them often, would it be unkind for me to decline their invitations to events where not everyone is welcome?

Any insight/advice would be appreciated.

I have a cousin who is more like a brother to me. He is gay. He (and his BF at the time) were groomsmen in my wedding. It was a HUGE mistake that I wish I could take back. He is at many family gatherings and we get along enough but once I had kids and took my faith seriously I could not participate in his lifestyle any more. I say participate because I was involved on a daily (and nightly) level with the lifestyle he was living. Now, I have no problem with events like Christmas Eve with the family where he brought his new boyfriend this year. But if the event is at my house or I am hosting it, Like for a child’s birthday or other celebration I would never ever invite both of them. None of his past boyfriends have ever met any of my kids. And my cousin likes young boyfriends. So, when I divorced myself from the lifestyle of unadulterated sex and parties I divorced myself and my family from being around people who are engaged in open disordered sexual lifestyles. This applies to many of my families who are not gay. I would not invite my other cousin and her boyfriend who is the body guard at the “Club” she works at either.

 

[Ejperchenough]

No I wont invite my adult child’s same-sex partner to family gatherings held at my home.

 

[EasterJoy]

I agree with what you’re saying about the duties of a parent, but my mother sometimes acts like she alone is responsible for our salvation. As if neither us nor God had anything to do with it. No human being ‘gets us into heaven’. The concern she shows is admirable, but she gives no witness to love or seeking and trusting God, only chastisement and fear.

There are good and bad ways to evangelize and chastise, but you cannot witness love and trust in God without telling the truth. We cannot approach God and yet cling to our own way at the same time. Why should we ask another Christian to hide that from us, let alone our mothers and fathers? We ought to seek out chastisement and not resent it, as if we can pretend that frank reproof cannot come from God.

Those whom I love, I reprove and chastise. Be earnest, therefore, and repent. Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will enter his house and dine with him, and he with me.
Rev. 3:15-20

 

[Burt_Macklin]

I agree with what you’re saying about the duties of a parent, but my mother sometimes acts like she alone is responsible for our salvation. As if neither us nor God had anything to do with it. No human being ‘gets us into heaven’. The concern she shows is admirable, but she gives no witness to love or seeking and trusting God, only chastisement and fear.

When somebody gives no quarter they can expect none in return… and you get to have fun with them when they eventually do mess up. When my mom missed mass you better believe she got a tongue in cheek phone message from me, “Jesus died for your sins, mom. You couldn’t even set aside an hour this week to thank him for it. How could you? For shame! For shame!” I’ve got to look out for her soul too.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I think that your parents are being very short-sighted here, and that it will come back to bite them.

Do they really think that they can just refuse to see or acknowledge your sister’s wife and that will make it all go away? What if they have children? Are your parents aware that this stance will prevent them from seeing any future grandchildren? What happens when your sister has an accident or a health scare? Do your parents really think that her wife will just graciously leave the hospital for their comfort? When your parents need you and your sister to sacrifice your time, resources, and energy to help them in their old age, they will also be asking your sister’s wife to make sacrifices for them. (I mean, think about it. If your mother in law shunned you for years, would you really be ok with your husband taking days off work or using weekends to take her to the doctor, take her out shopping, help her with household maintenance, etc?)

With all of that in mind, as a sibling, I would try to take a fairly neutral stance. I would visit my parents on occasion, but I would not celebrate holidays in their home. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, but a simple “I’m sorry, I would really rather celebrate where everyone is welcome. Why don’t you guys come over to my place for Xmas?” But there’s just no way that I would tacitly go along with this. It can only drive a wedge.

You and your sister will be a part of each other’s lives long after your parents are gone. You are the ones who will pass down the family recipes, share the stores and memories, and when your parents do go, you will help each other through the pain. You don’t have to agree with or support every choice she makes. But you don’t want to let your disapproval (or your parents) harm the special bond you have.

Your parents disapproval is not going to make your sister abandon her wife and change her life. But if your parents put her in an “us or her” situation, she will choose her wife.

 

[Kelly_S]

I would have to sit down with them and talk about this, just as if they had divorced and re-married. They’d have to realize that I could not recognize their relationship as legitimate. Could they stand knowing that I was keeping my mouth shut about this for the sake of accepting them as people and as acknowledgement that I am in no condition to say, “Thank you, Lord, that I am not like other men”?

If they could not be guests in the home of someone who refused to ever say they were in a legitimate relationship, who would have to say, “this relationship is objectively wrong, and there is no getting around it, no matter how much I like the two of them” if asked, then I would have to respect that. I would have to be ready for them to cut me off entirely, too.

If, OTOH, they were willing to eat with me in the knowledge that I did not condone what they decided to do, then yes, I’d have them as guests. Sure I would. I’d eat in their home. If it were a family member, though, such that I was someone who had been in the position of having the duty to bring up either of them up in the faith, though, the subject would have to be breached.

As for other people, it is not part of our pluralistic culture to refuse to share a meal with those with whom we have deep-seated moral differences. The most you ask is that they don’t require you to condone their opinions and choices as the price of that. There has to be the understanding that deciding not to throw pearls before swine is not tacit acceptance of ignorance, whether the ignorance is honest or willful. If they require that, then you have to bow out. That price is too high.

As for addicts and alcoholics, the price of admission is that they are not using when they visit. No exceptions.

This is such a ‘weighty’ post, very well worded and I appreciate the balanced approach. It’s so important to be both charitable and uncompromising when it comes to issues of morality.

 

[Kelly_S]

What do you mean by the bolded? Doing everything we can to ensure our children see heaven is one of the central duties of a parent. It doesn’t end when the child reaches some arbitrary age. The amount of control a parent can exert diminishes as a child reaches adulthood but the imperative is still there.

My mother tends to speak as though the job of getting her loved ones into heaven is hers entirely, leaving God and ourselves out of the picture. I think sometimes the burden she feels is unnecessarily heavy.

So your mom speaking of the danger of sin could also be a witness to love.

I get what you’re saying here.

I started this thread mainly to see how other mature, faithful Catholics would interact with a child and their same-sex partner. I think it might be more honest of my parents to say that they are simply uncomfortable hosting my sister’s partner rather than claiming they can’t host her while being true witnesses to Catholic moral teaching.

 

[Kelly_S]

Your mother likely has considerable fear over this situation and perhaps far more. It’s not uncommon for mothers to feel guilt about their parenting, and it’s not uncommon for Catholics to feel guilty in general. If she’s giving off vibes of chastisement and fear, it may very well be that she’s reflecting something of what’s going on in her interior spiritual life. Please do not cut off you parents over how they react to your sister. Don’t let either your parents or your sister put you in the middle of this. While Gods saves us individually, He also saves entire families. Your parents are scared about your sister’s salvation–and perhaps their own as well. Show them all God’s love. At some point, some of us need to become the witness of God to our parents. That reversal of roles marks a certain passage into spiritual maturity.

For the little bit of information I’ve given, your insight is remarkable. Although I am considering an adjustment to birthday and holiday visits, I would never cut off my parents (we live a just a few houses from them so our kids can visit on their own as much as they like!). The thought of becoming the witness of God to my parents is both daunting and an honor. I hope I’m up to the task.

I have a cousin who is more like a brother to me. He is gay. He (and his BF at the time) were groomsmen in my wedding. It was a HUGE mistake that I wish I could take back. He is at many family gatherings and we get along enough but once I had kids and took my faith seriously I could not participate in his lifestyle any more. I say participate because I was involved on a daily (and nightly) level with the lifestyle he was living. Now, I have no problem with events like Christmas Eve with the family where he brought his new boyfriend this year. But if the event is at my house or I am hosting it, Like for a child’s birthday or other celebration I would never ever invite both of them. None of his past boyfriends have ever met any of my kids. And my cousin likes young boyfriends. So, when I divorced myself from the lifestyle of unadulterated sex and parties I divorced myself and my family from being around people who are engaged in open disordered sexual lifestyles. This applies to many of my families who are not gay. I would not invite my other cousin and her boyfriend who is the body guard at the “Club” she works at either.

It doesn’t sound like there are many dull moments in your family! I hope it doesn’t get too stressful for you.

 

[Kelly_S]

There are good and bad ways to evangelize and chastise, but you cannot witness love and trust in God without telling the truth. We cannot approach God and yet cling to our own way at the same time. Why should we ask another Christian to hide that from us, let alone our mothers and fathers? We ought to seek out chastisement and not resent it, as if we can pretend that frank reproof cannot come from God.

Those whom I love, I reprove and chastise. Be earnest, therefore, and repent. Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will enter his house and dine with him, and he with me.
Rev. 3:15-20

I agree. The tricky part can be meeting people where they are. I don’t preach to my sister or her partner, though I have tried to share Catholic teaching. I offer hospitality whenever I can, but I did not attend her legal wedding. That was very hard on both of us, but I just couldn’t support her in that way.

When somebody gives no quarter they can expect none in return… and you get to have fun with them when they eventually do mess up. When my mom missed mass you better believe she got a tongue in cheek phone message from me, “Jesus died for your sins, mom. You couldn’t even set aside an hour this week to thank him for it. How could you? For shame! For shame!” I’ve got to look out for her soul too.

Maybe this is tongue in cheek, but I don’t think I could ever tease my mother like that!

 

[Kelly_S]

I think that your parents are being very short-sighted here, and that it will come back to bite them.

Do they really think that they can just refuse to see or acknowledge your sister’s wife and that will make it all go away? What if they have children? Are your parents aware that this stance will prevent them from seeing any future grandchildren? What happens when your sister has an accident or a health scare? Do your parents really think that her wife will just graciously leave the hospital for their comfort? When your parents need you and your sister to sacrifice your time, resources, and energy to help them in their old age, they will also be asking your sister’s wife to make sacrifices for them. (I mean, think about it. If your mother in law shunned you for years, would you really be ok with your husband taking days off work or using weekends to take her to the doctor, take her out shopping, help her with household maintenance, etc?)

With all of that in mind, as a sibling, I would try to take a fairly neutral stance. I would visit my parents on occasion, but I would not celebrate holidays in their home. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, but a simple “I’m sorry, I would really rather celebrate where everyone is welcome. Why don’t you guys come over to my place for Xmas?” But there’s just no way that I would tacitly go along with this. It can only drive a wedge.

You and your sister will be a part of each other’s lives long after your parents are gone. You are the ones who will pass down the family recipes, share the stores and memories, and when your parents do go, you will help each other through the pain. You don’t have to agree with or support every choice she makes. But you don’t want to let your disapproval (or your parents) harm the special bond you have.

Your parents disapproval is not going to make your sister abandon her wife and change her life. But if your parents put her in an “us or her” situation, she will choose her wife.

Excellent insight, thank you. I am concerned about the future developments that you mention with my sister, a big reason why I’m trying to nurture a loving relationship with her, despite our different perspectives on moral issues. Also, I don’t know if I could handle a family dinner, knowing she is at home feeling isolated. My siblings and I have already started hosting more holiday events, and we feel that individual visits with our parents on days like Christmas help us avoid the sadness of having that ‘big family gathering’ with one conspicuous absence.