Considering cutting ties with Mom

[Island_Oak]

I have so been where you are. It is painful, discouraging and lonely. You try again and again–always hoping for a better outcome…and you’re almost always disappointed. You feel cheated out of the one relationship in your life that is supposed to be unconditional, supportive and safe.

So…now that you know you have a mother who is emotionally challenged…time to refocus yourself and your expectations. It may sound trite, but the only person you can change in this situation is yourself. To move beyond this and stop that pit of anger from burning in your gut every time you interact with your mom, you need to replace her with others who do feed you in positive ways. You DO have other sources of love, support, companionship, advice, etc. whether it is your husband, MIL, friends, a sibling, cousin, whatever. Find them and turn to them to meet your needs. You’re best off viewing your mother as a distant, difficult aunt to whom you must be civil and polite, but from whom you have almost no expectations nor much personal investment.

People like your mother (and mine) can drain the joy out of your life and the life out of you, but only IF YOU LET THEM. Keeping them at a safe emotional distance allows you to maintain contact, respect and peace in the extended family–all good things. It will also spare your husband the burden of your emotional ups and downs–not to mention earn his respect when you get some control over this roller coaster ride. It also teaches your children an important lesson about managing less than perfect relationships.

I will say a few prayers for you. This is a process and it takes a while to disentangle yourself from bad habits and emotional reactions. But you can find peace, and sometimes even find a way back to being able to appreciate the good qualities that your mom has when you don’t feel so defensive all the time. Good luck.

 

[RCCDefender]

I have so been where you are. It is painful, discouraging and lonely. You try again and again–always hoping for a better outcome…and you’re almost always disappointed. You feel cheated out of the one relationship in your life that is supposed to be unconditional, supportive and safe.

This is sooo completely how I feel and have felt my whole life.

So…now that you know you have a mother who is emotionally challenged…time to refocus yourself and your expectations. It may sound trite, but the only person you can change in this situation is yourself. To move beyond this and stop that pit of anger from burning in your gut every time you interact with your mom, you need to replace her with others who do feed you in positive ways. You DO have other sources of love, support, companionship, advice, etc. whether it is your husband, MIL, friends, a sibling, cousin, whatever. Find them and turn to them to meet your needs. You’re best off viewing your mother as a distant, difficult aunt to whom you must be civil and polite, but from whom you have almost no expectations nor much personal investment.

People like your mother (and mine) can drain the joy out of your life and the life out of you, but only IF YOU LET THEM. Keeping them at a safe emotional distance allows you to maintain contact, respect and peace in the extended family–all good things. It will also spare your husband the burden of your emotional ups and downs–not to mention earn his respect when you get some control over this roller coaster ride. It also teaches your children an important lesson about managing less than perfect relationships.

I will say a few prayers for you. This is a process and it takes a while to disentangle yourself from bad habits and emotional reactions. But you can find peace, and sometimes even find a way back to being able to appreciate the good qualities that your mom has when you don’t feel so defensive all the time. Good luck.

Thank you for your advice… and your prayers!

 

[Giannawannabe]

You’re best off viewing your mother as a distant, difficult aunt to whom you must be civil and polite, but from whom you have almost no expectations nor much personal investment.

I always love Island Oak’s advice, but this bit about the “distant, difficult aunt” made me laugh out loud!!! Every time my mother starts getting to me, I’m going to think of her as “auntie so and so”, and I will feel much better.

So much good advice here. I have often thought things would be easier if I just completely cut ties with mother. However, I have been able to set boundaries that are workable. I’ve mentioned before that I am seeking a little counseling (Catholic counseling) to help me sort things out. For me, I would feel far worse to just cut all ties. I try to make sure that I am never alone with my mom. Always with a group or at a family function. That was the first step I took, and it is very successful.

Forget the past and move forward. You can only change how you respond to your mom. Pray for her and start setting those boundaries today!

 

[mamacita]

I see your problem as two-fold. The first aspect is your own problem with your emotions (as I see it) , and the second aspect is that your mother can be a very mean person.

Here I go, probably going to sound harsh to you but I mean this with all kindness. Please try and seek counseling (with a Priest or faith-based counselor) for your emotions. I know your mother did some mean things…heck I know a lot of people who’s mom’s were mean or beat them or worse. However, it is sad when you cannot even recant the story of your mother embarassing you on Valentines day 1992 over some clothes without almost crying. You still seem completely devastated about your past. This is not a good way to live. Satan wants you to be sad all the time. Satan wants you to cry and re-live all the misery from your childhood. I guess I could agree with you and pat you on the back and say that your mom was mean and it is not your fault…but that is not going to get you anywhere, is it?

You need to empower yourself. You need to be able to think and talk about your childhood without wanting to fall apart. **You can **do this with the help of Christ. Your post was so sad to me…you went on and on and on about how mean she was. It was almost like you were just looking for validation about how you felt. I want to tell you that you are validated but that you should concentrate your energy on moving on. A grown woman should not be reduced to tears thinking about her mom making fun of her outfit in high school…sad yes, but the tears need to stop for your own emotional well-being and the well being of your husband and family who are probably already burned out hearing about this and how hurt you are.

You CAN think about your past without breaking up…you CAN live a life without worrying about your mother and how she behaves…you CAN be a self-confident person without worrying or seeking validation for your emotions.

Your mother is a destructive force to your step-child. Avoid her. Call her occassionally to say “hi” and be as pleasant as you can. Pray for her, pray for yourself, pray for your marriage. Send her cards and little notes. Be cordial, be polite.

I honestly apologize if this seemed unkind to you. Truely I know you are sad and need help…but I think you need the help of a different kind. I don’t think you need people to tell you are right…I think you need people to tell you are wonderful and strong and a child of God and to get off this emotional roller-coaster with your mother and life the life Christ wants you to live. I will pray for you please hang in there as best as you can it will be hard for a while.

**I must say that I sought counseling for my past w/ my mom and it was good, however she wanted me to bring my mom in which I would not do for a number of reasons: 1) my mom is the type that everytime I would bring up the past to her she would reply “you just need to get over it!!:” 2) she has a terrible way of telling people that I make stuff up (which is so not true, she has some major issues and can’t stand to see her true self) and that made me really mad. She had this way of turning the tables so to speak to fit her story, etc. I quit going because the counselor (was Catholic also) told me that I needed to cut ties with her, bring her in there for her to tell my side to herself, and to move out. Well, that was impossible as I had no place to go. My mom has admitted just within the past 2 years that she did things that weren’t right, and that she favored my older brothers. Yay!! She finally saw the light!! I have never really spent time alone with her since a big blowup fight we had 2 years ago, but we are better now—after I emptied everything off my chest I think it hit her like a ton of bricks because she started being super nice but still there is tension at times. I just pray more and more and more for her and for myself to get over the past, it seems to help very well for me… **

 

[RCCDefender]

Monica,
No need to apologize. I can tell you are telling me what is best, and yes I do wear my heart on my sleeve - always have. I asked for advice and I appreciate your frankness.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

I suspect your mother treats your brothers girlfriend differently, because she is not her daughter. You are her daughter, and therefore a safe target. You’ll still love her, even if she’s awful to you, the same can’t be said about the girlfriend, even if she becomes a daugher in law. Blood bonds seem to give many people permssion to be this way.

Good advice so far. You may not need to cut ties yet. You do have to change the boundaries of the relationship though. And you will have to deal yourself with the fact that whatever relationship you have with your mom, you will probably never have that wonderful unconditionally loving, nurturing relationship that daughters always dream of having with their moms. I know you already have that idea, but there is often a certain amount of grieving that goes along with accepting the fact that the relationship as you wish it could be will never be.

The way you described it, much of her criticism of you is centered around the way you look/dress? If that is the case, you may want to have a short conversation with her in which you tell her that you love her and want a relationship with her. But her criticism is too hurtful and difficult to deal with. So there will be no more conversations about your looks or style of dress, period. When she brings it up again anyway (which you can be sure she will), you interrupt, and say, we aren’t discussing that anymore Mom. How about that crazy weather? Lather rinse repeat. Eventually, either she’ll get the picture and stop bringing it up, or you may find that you have to actually walk out of the room, leave the house, end the visit etc.

If it’s not just about the looks/style thing, but one or two other topics as well, you can add those topics to the “do not discuss” list. If it’s just constant criticism, then you could say, “Your criticism is hurtful to me, and yet I want a relationship with you. However if you can not respect me enough to speak to me with respect and not constantly criticize me, then I won’t be able to be around you.” When the criticism starts, then go with the “don’t speak to me that way” route. Again, you’re going to have to repeat and repeat, and perhaps have to leave the room, end visits, send her home etc. It is possible that the end result could be a severing of ties. But it’s also possible that you’ll be able to have enough respectful interactions with her to keep at least a certain level of relationship going.

God Bless,
TKC

 

[RCCDefender]

I hadn’t taked to my mom since last week when we had the pictures. When we went to Mass yesterday I was taking the baby upstairs to nurse when she (Mom) snuck up behind me. She knows she can find me there and I can’t do anything about it. I was really freaked out a bit, I mean she’s not even Catholic for crying out loud. Luckily she left right after Mass ended. I was afraid she was going to try to stay and invite herself to lunch with us or something.

I did have a talk with my stepdaughter about the pictures. I told her that I didn’t order any pictures with my mom in them because of the way my mom had treated her and DH. She said it didn’t bother her, but I know it did. I told her that it hurt my feelings because I consider her just as much a part of my family as her little sisters. I hope that helped in some way.