Constant depression, anxiety, temptation and where my fate leads to

[mphill85]

Let me set the baseline of what is going on with me. I am USAF veteran diagnosed with major depression, major anxiety, OCD, and a whole bunch of other stuff.

I am constantly tormented by the most common yet dangerous of vices, pornography. I’ve seen this stuff as early as around 10 years old. Fast forward to the present and no matter what I seem to do I can’t ever get it under control. The best I’ve been able to do was go around a month or so between sinning. Now it doesn’t even seem to be a week. I have no clue what happened there. No matter what actions I take, no matter what I think, no matter what I tell myself I feel like I have absolutely no control.

Needless to say as a Catholic this is unacceptable and I know the risks and damages that can happen, especially with my soul. However despite that I can’t get myself to stop. My depression and anxiety then kick into overdrive and I start wondering no matter how times I go to confession and no matter how much I try to get it under control that I’m going to hell. Honestly it feels like my faith is hanging by a thread. I’m surprised I haven’t picked up drinking or doing drugs. In fact I’ve said to others that the only reason I haven’t offed myself is because of my faith. But then I wonder where I am going. Did I simply delay the inevitable? I told my pastor a few times that if I do go to heaven I’m first going to take the LONG scenic route through purgatory. When I’ve had my numerous talks with my pastor about this, we’ve been looking along the lines of if this is a compulsion or psychological reaction to something instead of addiction. I have a counselor and a psychiatrist I’ve been talking to as well.

Despite this seriousness and dealing with the psychological reactions, I’ve noticed that despite being upset (in a sad kind of way), I actually don’t have any tears. If anything I’m just exhausted, tired, frustrated, upset, and all of that other business. What I want isn’t happening and I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I get my head running so fast I give myself headaches.

The only comfort I can take is that I haven’t quit church, I still go to confession (by the way I go to confession for every little infraction, even if it’s not really a sin, like snacking some and then saying I’m glutinous), and I try to pray (I have an awkward prayer life and currently in the middle of a dry spell it seems). But like I said I don’t know what to do anymore.

I need help.

 

[po18guy]

Very sorry to hear of this. Speak with Father outside of the confessional. Seek counseling for your anxiety - much of it may be caused by the despair of repeatedly falling in to sin. The devil greatly desires that you lose hope.

Porn. Something triggers your urge. We live in an absolutely sex-saturated culture. Most of our exposure is via the media. Media images are triggers. Remove the triggers of sin! Disconnect cable. No Netflix. Stop the magazines, TV, radio, you name it. It is cultural shock therapy, but the near occasions of sin which sexual content is will be greatly reduced. Will you still fail from time to time?

Probably, but we do not learn to walk in one try. Again, work on the anxiety, as OCD and scrupulosity are under the anxiety umbrella. Treatment is drug-free in almost all cases and can even be done over the phone.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It teaches you to unlearn the unhealthy thought processes, replacing them with healthy trains of thought. The VA most certainly can help - but they will not knock on your door. You are in control, but those around you must remind you of that, as anxiety lies to you and tries to convince you that all is lost.

Who is a liar and the father of lies? Crush the anxiety.

 

[1ke]

Ask your therapist for a referral for help with treatment for porn addiction.

This is more than a will power issue. This is highly addictive and exposure at a young age can impact brain development, impulse control, etc.

 

[EricPH]

I am USAF veteran diagnosed with major depression, major anxiety, OCD, and a whole bunch of other stuff.

Thanks for serving your country; it takes courage to step forward.

When you help other people, you seem to help yourself possibly even more. My suggestion would be to see if you can help veterans in your area. My understanding is that that many vets are homeless, suicidal and drug addicts. They have seen things and done things they would rather not have had to do.

Blessings,
Eric

 

[Aquinas11]

My depression and anxiety then kick into overdrive and I start wondering no matter how times I go to confession and no matter how much I try to get it under control that I’m going to hell. Honestly it feels like my faith is hanging by a thread