Constant embarrassment/shame

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Silyosha

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I’m sorry to say that I’m almost constantly ashamed and embarrassed by myself when it comes to religion. I live in an environment where there are many non-religious people, including my twin sister, and those who are religious are generally Protestants who don’t exactly sympathize with the RCC. At 16, I’m the most religious Catholic I know–if not person–and even though I know I should never be ashamed of God, I feel as if I’m doing something wrong by praying, listening to holy music and chants, etc. My religion is the only thing that makes me completely happy; I do love to do a lot of things and have a lot of interests, but there’s always that little part of me that needs something else. I find my religion reflected in a lot of things that I do; for example, I’m an artist and love painting the BVM. Some here might call that a good thing. But I can’t help but feel ashamed, ridiculous, and abnormal for doing the things that I do. I worry constantly about how others might perceive me because of that, and it can be really difficult to continue doing so in that sort of environment.
Any advice?
 
Many of the saints also were alienated from their families for their religious zeal, so my suggestion is to read the lives of the saints.

Also, if you haven’t already, join your parish’s youth group. Even if they are not as excited about your faith as you are, at least it will be a culture which will allow you to express your faith and maybe the fire of your zeal will spread among them.

Another thing you might consider is to look for a religious community, like a convent or monastary, with whom you can exchange letters in a pen pal situation. I know our local convent has such a program and I’m sure many others do as well. They can provide spiritual direction and a warm sense of belonging.
 
Your faith is a gift from God to you, no need to be ashamed. But, I do know what you mean when everyone around you does not think the same way.

Stay close to the Lord anyway, and ask your priest about a group in your parish where you can meet peers that think like you. It is very supportive to have community in the Lord. We need that.
 
My guess, from what you write is that you are being hit with the “couble-whammy” of “cultural pressure” and an attack by the evil one who is exploiting this cultural pressure. The combination is causing your to dispair of your own ability to live and refelct your faith in public, and now even in private.

If this sounds like a possibility, I would suggest talking with your pastor, deacon,or with another trusted, devout Catholic. It’s likely that there are a whole series of “little things” that are contributing to this.
For instance, you say that your environment is either non-religious or protestant, and fairly anti-catholic. It may be that others have made comments about Catholicsim that you feel you should have spoken up about but you didn’t. Then you feel bad and a cycle begins.
Once this starts the evil one will try to exploit these feelings and draw you toward dispair.
These are matters that can take some time to work through. So I suggest you get something set-up with your confessor and/or a trusted advisor.
Of course we can and will try to help, but there is nothing better than a good one-on-one, face-to-face relationship.

Peace
James
 
Wow… 16 years old!

I agree with a poster above… you should start reading books on Saints.

I am sure it is hard at your age when most teens are … well… being teenagers.

I think God has a lot of things in store for you.

I also think you will bring a lot of people to God by example.

God bless you.
 
Silyosha said:
I’m sorry to say that I’m almost constantly ashamed and embarrassed by myself when it comes to religion. I live in an environment where there are many non-religious people, including my twin sister, and those who are religious are generally Protestants who don’t exactly sympathize with the RCC. At 16, I’m the most religious Catholic I know–if not person–and even though I know I should never be ashamed of God, I feel as if I’m doing something wrong by praying, listening to holy music and chants, etc. My religion is the only thing that makes me completely happy; I do love to do a lot of things and have a lot of interests, but there’s always that little part of me that needs something else. I find my religion reflected in a lot of things that I do; for example, I’m an artist and love painting the BVM. Some here might call that a good thing. But I can’t help but feel ashamed, ridiculous, and abnormal for doing the things that I do. I worry constantly about how others might perceive me because of that, and it can be really difficult to continue doing so in that sort of environment.
Any advice?
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I kind of relate to that because in my university, there are very few religious people. Thankfully I know some Catholics through the Catholic club here, but when I’m in my classes, etc, most people don’t believe in God or don’t try to follow the Church’s teachings. Don’t feel ashamed of praying, listening to holy music, reading good books, etc!! the reason why most people aren’t interested in these things is because they are distracted by the world or aren’t seeking God. The fact that you are trying to live your faith is a grace from Him 🙂 there’s absolutely nothing wrong about it. It might help to read about the Saints… sometimes when we compare ourselves to really secular, atheistic people, it seems like we are the “abnormal” ones because we are in the minority. But think how in Heaven, everyone is holy and we need to be holy too. Read about the Saints… when I read about Saints like St Gemma Galgani or St Francis, I no longer felt like I was doing “too much”, rather I saw how lacking i am in holiness compared to them. Don’t compare yourself to the world…

God bless!
 
Thank you all for your replies. I’ll definately take your advice and read more about the saints; I love them and pray to them all the time, but when it comes down to it, I haven’t educated myself on them and their lives as much as I could have. Interestingly, St. Gemma, whom one of you mentioned, is one of my dearest saints and one whom I rely on frequently.
It’s just hard to believe that I’m not the odd one out, the freak, when everyone else so strongly discourages the kind of things I do. I know, I know, I know I shouldn’t let that sway me, but it does, and I can’t help but feel doubts. Not about the RCC, because I believe it it strongly, but I feel like I need to keep it all a “secret”, in a way, as if it’s something I need to hide. Today, “faith” and “religion” are such dirty words. 😦 But my religion makes me so happy and helps me in so many ways, and more often than not it seems like the only thing that has a real, deep value and an ongoing influence in my life. The best time of the week is going to TLM. 🙂
 
Many young people look for “happiness” in drugs, sex, TV, ambition… I think looking for happiness in faith and in God is the only sensible thing to do. The world might consider that strange, but that is because the world doesn’t know God. Once a person gets to know Him, they understand what He offers us is so much greater than what the world offers.

People generally look for happiness and peace in all the wrong places… so that is great that God showed you where to go, at a young age 🙂
 
I don’t have anything to add to what the others have said, but I do want to tell you that you are on the right track, and you have a wonderful gift of faith, and don’t worry about what others think- it sounds like you are on the right track. Many other kids your age just don’t “get it,” and it makes me happy to see that someone like you does “get it.” I’ll pray that you stay strong in your faith and that you will find someone who will help you through this time and help you remain strong in your faith.
 
Thank you all for your advice, and your prayers. I know I should look at my faith as a gift, but in the place I live, surrounded by people who don’t really share my views, it’s perceived more as something strange, inconvenient, and a little screwy to be religious. There’s this reflexive holding back you sense from people once they realize that you’re very dedicated to God. I guess I feel guilty because religion makes me happy, and I feel like it shouldn’t.
But I feel better about it ever since I posted and have read all your great replies. I talked to my dad about it too before and after he took me to mass today, and that helped a lot as well. so thank you all. 🙂
 
My friend, you are different because you received special graces from God, graces that those other people have not received and do not understand. I would say, give thanks to God, and pray for those people who do not understand your situation, that God may send this grace of loving him and believing in him, to those other people as well.

Your dedication to the Blessed Virgin Mary is another sign of grace, as well. 👍

I am also religious, and have a special devotion to the BVM. Although I can’t know for sure, my hypothesis is that it was the prayers of my family members through which these graces came to me. My mom, aunt, sister, they are members of a Rosary association, and my grandma whom I never met in my life (deceased before I was born), used to pray the Rosary as well.

There is certainly precedent for people profiting (receiving graces) from the prayers of others, e.g. the prayers of St. Monica converted her son St. Augustine, and the prayers of St. Elena were instrumental in the conversion of St. Constantine the first Roman emperor who became a Christian. So, you too my friend, give thanks to God for the graces you received, and pray for those who don’t know God! 👍
 
One of the most important lessons in life to learn is who’s opinion of you is the most important.

It is your own.

Don’t worry about what others think, because then you are tempted to modify your behavior. You have to be able to look in the mirror and be confident you are doing the right thing, be happy and content with the person you see there. When you are away from parents, priest, family and all the authority figures and facing temptation-- it’s your own opinion that will matter, because it is wanting to live up to your own opinion of yourself, your desire of who you want to be that will keep you making the right choices in life. They won’t be there to guide you, they may not ever know- but you will. It’s the thing that will keep you on the right path-- disregarding the peer pressure you may experience. Having a core set of values and sense of who you want to be that will enable you to reject those things that are wrong.

You are setting an example for others. So many young people turn to drugs, alcohol, sex and other things searching for happiness. They will be attracted to the joy in your life, the obvious contentment and that will help you bring them to the Lord. They will want to know the source of your happiness and contentment. And you will be able to show them you have chosen happiness through your faith.

It is dangerous if you start to put so much credence in the opinions of others that you turn from a moral path, or become ashamed of living rightly. It is a short path from being embarrassed by your values to beginning to compromise them.

God bless and keep you strong in your faith.
 
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