Constant friction with mother, any suggestions?

[Magicsilence]

My mother and I don’t get along very well. At the root of the problem is my younger brother (currently 12 years of age). It often occurs that he is doing something which is:

1. Wrong (like breaking things for no reason)

or

1. Spiritually dangerous (like watching very suggestive films not for his age)

Basically, my mom just wants me to leave him well alone and let her be the parent.

But, when I (for example) find him on her laptop with no supervision, with internet adverts at the side of the screen of scantily clad women posing highly suggestively with the words ‘click here to see more’; my instant reaction is ‘turn that off now, and don’t go on again until someone is supervising you!’.

My mom’s reaction is then ‘will you just leave your brother alone,** I **am the parent. not you’, but before I found him she was nowhere to be seen with regards to parenting and supervision.

Sometimes she slips in a hurtful comment as well, like - ‘why don’t you just go and live somewhere else!’ I try and respond, but she quickly fires back - ‘the truth is you just don’t have the guts to do it!’. I haven’t even finished university yet, and my two (admittedly younger) sisters have dropped out of mainstream education, but she only ever seems to ask me why I am still living at home. Never mind the sky high house prices.

So yeah, tonight we had a huge argument when my brother wanted to watch even more TV, and I wasn’t going to be there to supervise (the programs he wanted to watch tend to be adult in nature, and I was leaving the room) and so I turned the tv off, and took the remote control into the room next door because he really really can’t be trusted with it.

He started screaming, and my mom came downstairs with the usual spiel - ‘let me be his parent, leave him alone’ and I tried to say ‘I am only trying to protect him from the filth on television’ (she doesn’t like the television anyway so would probably tell him not to watch the programs), but she didn’t want to know.

I know I’m not innocent in this, and can say hurtful things back, and probably handle the situation better, by going down more avenues and seeking my mom’s help before being triumphant.

But… you can all probably see this in a clearer light than I, (and its probably me in the wrong completely), and I would appreciate any insight any mom’s can offer (or anyone for that matter:thumbsup: )

In Jesus Christ,

 

[HOPEFUL_IN_UK]

Your mom is right: it’s her house, and she’s the parent.

You can say to your brother, “Why are you looking at that junk?” but taking the remote away from him is just over the line.

Tell your brother why you don’t think that stuff is nice. Try to engage him in things you think will be better for him. Pray for him. Leave it at that.

 

[dulcissima]

I think it is very important that you let your mom be the mom, that you not undermine her authority in front of your brother. If you have concerns about her parenting, you should probably discuss them in private away from your brother. Seeing that it is OK to question or disregard her parenting decisions is much more harmful to your brother than suggestive ads in the periphery of his computer screen. A home is not going to work without the parents being the ones in charge.

This is so important that God made this a commandment.

 

[SeekerJen]

I think it is very important that you let your mom be the mom, that you not undermine her authority in front of your brother. If you have concerns about her parenting, you should probably discuss them in private away from your brother. Seeing that it is OK to question or disregard her parenting decisions is much more harmful to your brother than suggestive ads in the periphery of his computer screen. A home is not going to work without the parents being the ones in charge.

This is so important that God made this a commandment.

Agreed. OP, you are not the parent. Not only are you straining your relationship with your mother, you are quite possibly damaging a future adult relationship with your brother.

I agree that if you have concerns, discuss them with your mother 1) when your brother is not present and 2) when you have calmed down. No parent likes to have her parenting criticized in front of her child. Likely if you brought up the issues later, she would be more willing to listen to you. On the other hand, if you are continually tattling on your brother, he isn’t going to trust you if ever he’s in trouble later. So instead of tattling, perhaps you could start spending time with him: take him out to eat, to age-appropriate movies (or rent the same for home), play sports, etc. You need to be his brother, not another parent.

 

[Magicsilence]

Agreed. OP, you are not the parent. Not only are you straining your relationship with your mother, you are quite possibly damaging a future adult relationship with your brother.

I agree that if you have concerns, discuss them with your mother 1) when your brother is not present and 2) when you have calmed down. No parent likes to have her parenting criticized in front of her child. Likely if you brought up the issues later, she would be more willing to listen to you. On the other hand, if you are continually tattling on your brother, he isn’t going to trust you if ever he’s in trouble later. So instead of tattling, perhaps you could start spending time with him: take him out to eat, to age-appropriate movies (or rent the same for home), play sports, etc. You need to be his brother, not another parent.

My mom hates it when people ‘tattle’ so I don’t bother her any more.

If I told her my brother was watching an inappropriate film she would probably just tell me to leave him alone, but my dad would be like ‘WHAT?!?’ and go and do something straight away.

When I try to discuss things in private she tells me that I have absolutely no right to even talk to her about these things. In all honesty, if I found my brother looking at pornography, I think she wouldn’t really care enough to do much except for the first time (but again, my dad would throw him out of the window ).

Also, my mom isn’t too fond of the Church and all its ‘man-made rules’ , like fasting before the Eucharist etc…, so when I tell my brother he shouldn’t eat for one hour before mass (to respect the Eucharist), she tells me to just leave him alone, and has no problem with him chomping on a chocolate bar 10 mins before mass.

Essentially, she doesn’t seem to have a problem with a number of activities both my dad and I find questionable (at best), so tattling on him has no effect.

Thanks for the post:thumbsup:

God Bless!

 

[Magicsilence]

I think it is very important that you let your mom be the mom, that you not undermine her authority in front of your brother. If you have concerns about her parenting, you should probably discuss them in private away from your brother. Seeing that it is OK to question or disregard her parenting decisions is much more harmful to your brother than suggestive ads in the periphery of his computer screen. A home is not going to work without the parents being the ones in charge.

This is so important that God made this a commandment.

My mom doesn’t discuss things with me about her parenting, just tells me it is none of my business (which is right, I suppose).

It’s just she has always been so laid back with me, and I know the massive spiritual problems it allowed me to get into, and I really don’t want the same to happen to my brother.

Thanks for the post!

 

[dulcissima]

Do I remember correctly from some time ago that your dad has a temper and can be somewhat violent?

 

[AlanFromWichita]

Dear Magicsilence,

My first reaction was that it is her house and her son, and her responsibility. At 12, doing those things, he needs guidance but if his/your mother specifically asks you not to give it to him, then I think it might be wise to respect her wishes. He is at an age where he will learn how to get around supervision quickly if he hasn’t already, so if you stop him from looking at some porn he’ll look at other porn when nobody’s watching. It must be heartbreaking for you to see him going down that path, but even Jesus went against his own inclinations and obeyed His mother at the wedding at Cana. Of course there she was not asking him to condone bad behavior but I’m picking from the principle of respect mom’s wishes over our own “better” sense.

At the same time I feel a bit conflicted because essentially you’ll be washing your hands of your brother’s future. The problem is it sounds like you are backed into a corner. Each time she sticks up for him against you she reinforces his own problem of thinking he can get away with anything. Coming into his teenage years that is not a good attitude to have. You’re stuck because you can’t really argue with your mom in front of him, either.

Other than the wars over your brother, do you and your mom get along OK? Is it possible that you could sit down with her and have a talk about your concerns and how you can help her if at all as his big brother, without a fight? If so, and she insists you leave him alone, then I guess I’d favor leaving him alone.

Also, is it possible that you could engage your brother in healthy activities – with the age difference and you in college and everything, that might take some creativity. Like taking him to a movie or something?

I guess I’m not really adamant or even clear about what you should do, but hopefully some of this will help look at it from a different angle. You cannot be responsible for those things you can’t control, and unless you can legitimately take charge of the household it sounds like you may not be able to control this – at least when you’re not watching.

Alan

PS: I see several other posts went up while I was writing this; I think they might say it more succinctly; it’s her house and her son.

 

[Magicsilence]

Do I remember correctly from some time ago that your dad has a temper and can be somewhat violent?

It was hyperbole He can get himself worked up, but its mainly about my sisters doing nothing constructive with their lives.

He is not violent at all. But a full blooded Maronite nevertheless, which did mean a heavy hand when we were very small.

God Bless!

 

[Magicsilence]

Dear Magicsilence,

My first reaction was that it is her house and her son, and her responsibility. At 12, doing those things, he needs guidance but if his/your mother specifically asks you not to give it to him, then I think it might be wise to respect her wishes. He is at an age where he will learn how to get around supervision quickly if he hasn’t already, so if you stop him from looking at some porn he’ll look at other porn when nobody’s watching. It must be heartbreaking for you to see him going down that path, but even Jesus went against his own inclinations and obeyed His mother at the wedding at Cana. Of course there she was not asking him to condone bad behavior but I’m picking from the principle of respect mom’s wishes over our own “better” sense.

At the same time I feel a bit conflicted because essentially you’ll be washing your hands of your brother’s future. The problem is it sounds like you are backed into a corner. Each time she sticks up for him against you she reinforces his own problem of thinking he can get away with anything. Coming into his teenage years that is not a good attitude to have. You’re stuck because you can’t really argue with your mom in front of him, either.

Other than the wars over your brother, do you and your mom get along OK? Is it possible that you could sit down with her and have a talk about your concerns and how you can help her if at all as his big brother, without a fight? If so, and she insists you leave him alone, then I guess I’d favor leaving him alone.

Also, is it possible that you could engage your brother in healthy activities – with the age difference and you in college and everything, that might take some creativity. Like taking him to a movie or something?

I guess I’m not really adamant or even clear about what you should do, but hopefully some of this will help look at it from a different angle. You cannot be responsible for those things you can’t control, and unless you can legitimately take charge of the household it sounds like you may not be able to control this – at least when you’re not watching.

Alan

PS: I see several other posts went up while I was writing this; I think they might say it more succinctly; it’s her house and her son.

Hi Alan,

Great post, and I think I understand what everyone is saying. Her son, her house, her choices, right?

It’s just so !!%&$$! difficult when your brother (with whom you have a really fantastic bond that is slowly being broken up) is going in the wrong direction and there is nothing you can do about it.

Anyway. I still have Jesus

 

[dulcissima]

I hope that your dad treats your mother with respect and doesn’t put her down or call her names. A lot of times that is what can make a woman so defeated that it appears that she just doesn’t care any more. In those situations what that mom really needs is some support. She needs to be built up, so that she has the strength that she needs to be a pro-active mom.

Although, if your dad is very strong in his faith and a very fair and level-headed type of a man, it seems like the most logical thing would be to take your concerns to him.

 

[Magicsilence]

I hope that your dad treats your mother with respect and doesn’t put her down or call her names. A lot of times that is what can make a woman so defeated that it appears that she just doesn’t care any more. In those situations what that mom really needs is some support. She needs to be built up, so that she has the strength that she needs to be a pro-active mom.

My dad adores my mom, its her that treats him like dirt. Doesn’t even say ‘hi’ when he comes in from work, hardly ever talks to him in and around the house, never says ‘I love you’, hates his lifestyle choices (like watching tv and cooking ), no gratitude for anything he does for her (flowers, new things etc…) and so on.

Although, if your dad is very strong in his faith and a very fair and level-headed type of a man, it seems like the most logical thing would be to take your concerns to him.

I do, and he tells me to be gentle and patient with my brother, but that in principle what I’m doing is right. The problem comes when it is just my brother, myself, and my mother in the house.

Thanks for the post

 

[dulcissima]

That is a tough one. I guess that the best thing that you can do for your brother is to be the good example. I’m sure that you have talked to him about these things often enough that he knows your views on them, and your dad’s as well. Utimately though, as his brother, it’s not your job to enforce the rules. I guess you just have to do what you have to do when your dad is not around, and take it up with him when he is home.

(and I’ll stop posting here, as I can see that I don’t have any concrete solutions for you. I will keep you and your family in my prayers though.)

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Your mom is right: it’s her house, and she’s the parent.

You can say to your brother, “Why are you looking at that junk?” but taking the remote away from him is just over the line.

Tell your brother why you don’t think that stuff is nice. Try to engage him in things you think will be better for him. Pray for him. Leave it at that.

**100% agree. I have a younger sister and I didn’t always agree on how my mom chose to parent (her or me). It took me awhile to figure out my “place” in the family (hint: I am NOT the mom).

The best thing you can do is make comments (out of love) and be a good example. You have no idea how much your actions will affect your younger siblings. Challenging your mother’s parenting is breaking the Commandment which is not a good example for your brother.

Malia**

 

[Magicsilence]

**100% agree. I have a younger sister and I didn’t always agree on how my mom chose to parent (her or me). It took me awhile to figure out my “place” in the family (hint: I am NOT the mom).

The best thing you can do is make comments (out of love) and be a good example. You have no idea how much your actions will affect your younger siblings. Challenging your mother’s parenting is breaking the Commandment which is not a good example for your brother.

Malia**

Yeah, I think you are right, it was just a little hard to see straight a couple of hours ago

I even resolved not to get involved a few months back, but it became too difficult. I don’t know why .

It’s just when my mom is not around, and I do ‘parent’ my brother, all his homework gets done, he starts to treat things properly, the childish behaviour dips right down, he eats proper food (instead of junk), does more useful things (like playing chess - instead of watching more and more tv), and generally becomes a nice kid to be around.

My mom shouts at him to do the right thing, and then leaves him alone to do the wrong thing. Maybe its that which drives me :whacky: :hypno:

Anyway, I am super grateful for all the responses, they really help when your emotions take hold of a situation, and you need outsider intervention

Peace and God Bless you all!

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Yeah, I think you are right, it was just a little hard to see straight a couple of hours ago

I even resolved not to get involved a few months back, but it became too difficult. I don’t know why .
**
Because you can see clearly that “your way” can help your brother be a better person/get in less trouble**

It’s just when my mom is not around, and I do ‘parent’ my brother, all his homework gets done, he starts to treat things properly, the childish behaviour dips right down, he eats proper food (instead of junk), does more useful things (like playing chess - instead of watching more and more tv), and generally becomes a nice kid to be around.

You don’t have to stop doing all of that… just adjust your role. “Help” with homework instead of demanding it be done. “Suggest” a meal together so you can both eat healthy. Ask if he wants to play chess with you etc. All you have to stop doing is “making him” do anything. But you can still suggest and offer and encourage. THAT is the role of an older sibling. Oh, and lots of praise when you see him making the right choices on his own…

My mom shouts at him to do the right thing, and then leaves him alone to do the wrong thing. Maybe its that which drives me :whacky: :hypno:

That would drive me nuts too, lol. But you know it’s not your place to be the enforcer.

Anyway, I am super grateful for all the responses, they really help when your emotions take hold of a situation, and you need outsider intervention
**
I know all about emotions. But there is hope! If you can put yourself back into the role of big brother instead of parent I think there is a great chance your brother will thank you for it (you may have to wait until he’s at least 30, lol, but I think he’ll appreciate having a “moral compass” to help him out).**

Peace and God Bless you all!

 

[whatevergirl]

Maybe you should ask your mom to go with you for a cup of coffee…and just talk with her. The problem is more with how you see her parenting, than it is with how your brother is behaving. She is the parent, and if your brother’s behavior is going to change for the better–then, you need to maybe just share some of your thoughts with your mom. Not big massive helpings, but small manageable bites, so she can digest what you’re saying. Good luck–but that’s where I’d start.

Just my 2 cents, MS.

Merry Christmas to you and your family!

 

[Magicsilence]

Because you can see clearly that “your way” can help your brother be a better person/get in less trouble

You don’t have to stop doing all of that… just adjust your role. “Help” with homework instead of demanding it be done. “Suggest” a meal together so you can both eat healthy. Ask if he wants to play chess with you etc. All you have to stop doing is “making him” do anything. But you can still suggest and offer and encourage. THAT is the role of an older sibling. Oh, and lots of praise when you see him making the right choices on his own…

My brother is just ultra ultra lazy. One night last week I kept my mouth firmly sealed. He came in at 4, went straight to the couch, and watched TV straight until 9 at night. If I am not demanding, he behaves like a 3 year old, kicking and screaming until he gets what he wants (usually not doing something )

That would drive me nuts too, lol. But you know it’s not your place to be the enforcer.

This is very humbling and true, I will try and remember it

I know all about emotions. But there is hope! If you can put yourself back into the role of big brother instead of parent I think there is a great chance your brother will thank you for it (you may have to wait until he’s at least 30, lol, but I think he’ll appreciate having a “moral compass” to help him out).

I will try, but it is easier to make a piece of limestone do chores unless you actually force him to do it.

Thanks for the post and Happy Christmas!

 

[Magicsilence]

Maybe you should ask your mom to go with you for a cup of coffee…and just talk with her. The problem is more with how you see her parenting, than it is with how your brother is behaving. She is the parent, and if your brother’s behavior is going to change for the better–then, you need to maybe just share some of your thoughts with your mom. Not big massive helpings, but small manageable bites, so she can digest what you’re saying. Good luck–but that’s where I’d start.

Just my 2 cents, MS.

Merry Christmas to you and your family!

Hi WG,

I have tried talking calmly in the past, but as soon as I bring it up she tells me its none of my business and that I have no right talking about it. And I’m like ‘but…’ and then she normally comes back with ‘why can’t you go and live somewhere else’ at which point discussion is usually over.

I think she just hates a screaming child, so tries to avoid it by not telling him off.

I am going to leave him alone from now on, unless my mom isn’t in the house. When she is, it is her responsibility, right?

Merry Christmas to you and your family too WG!!

 

[Meximo]

I think it is very important that you let your mom be the mom, that you not undermine her authority in front of your brother.

I strongly agree with this. I have been guilty of “correcting” my husband in front of the children and then I make it a point to apologize both in private and in front of the children to make sure that the children know that I back up Dad’s decision, comment, etc (note: usually my husband will talk loudly over the children instead of just getting their attention first)

My mom shouts at him to do the right thing, and then leaves him alone to do the wrong thing.

What is mom doing when she leaves him alone?

My dad adores my mom, its her that treats him like dirt. Doesn’t even say ‘hi’ when he comes in from work, hardly ever talks to him in and around the house, never says ‘I love you’, hates his lifestyle choices (like watching tv and cooking ), no gratitude for anything he does for her (flowers, new things etc…) and so on.

I love both of my parents very much. I am an only child and I spent a lot of time by myself. I was always a little closer to my dad and I always used to think that my mom was the wicked witch sometimes because my dad would do all sorts of things for my mom (flowers, jewelry, dinner, etc) You know hind-sight is 20/20 and I realized as I got older, married, children that my mom wasn’t bad at all. She didn’t say hi to my dad or reciprocate feelings because their was an underlying issue. Things we as children aren’t privy to. This might not be the case there may not be an underlying issue like feeling under appreciated, feeling of loneliness or resentment for whatever… but I will tell you as a mom we can feel when our children choose sides and not all parents handle it well. (I have to state for the record - that my mom and are really close because of God and the children God has graced me with).

I would have liked a sibling growing up to have someone to look up to or to be the person a sibling could look up to. And when he is having that chocolate bar right 10 minutes before going to mass, you can quietly remind him the reasons why we fast before receiving communion. But quietly in his ear so you aren’t embarrassing him. Just my 2 cents.

I will pray for you!