Constant friction with mother, any suggestions?

[gmarie21]

You’re losing the trust that both your mom and your brother had for you and it will take twice as long to gain it back. My younger sister was lazy when it came to helping around the house (unless my dad and step-mom were gone) and one day I asked her why. She outsmarted them…she made the think that she was terrible at cleaning so that they wouldn’t ask her to clean (exactly what happened). If my brother or sister didn’t like a certain food all they did was throw up and then weren’t required to ever eat it again (my oldest brother did this at 2 and was never required to eat sweet potatoes again, so, when my younger brother and sister heard that story, they got the great idea to do it on purpose). When I was just out of college living with my dad and step-mom they were either on active duty or away from home for their jobs a lot. I was usually left watching my two younger siblings. Guess what, my siblings hated when I was acting like a parent than a sister. My younger brother wouldn’t acknowledge me for a few years after that. Now that we’ve been apart for years we get along much better. He doesn’t turn to me for advice (probably b/c I’m a girl) but we now sincerely care about the others’ life. As for my sister, she turns to me for advice and I’ve been the only one to talk o her about sex and relationships (something her mom never did).

I also agree with a PP that the marriage may not be all that you assume. My dad is viewed terribly compared to my step-mom by all my younger siblings (something I did at one time too). Well, when more secrets were revealed, I realize that both my dad and my step-mom are both guilty of a lot of dysfunction and neither put their children first by putting their marriage first. Neither will ever be happy nor at peace event though my step-mom seems to have a more jolly personality. When tangled webs are found out, simpathy for the “victim” parent get washed away and then as children we begin to see the true humanity of our parents (which imho is a healthy step toward maturity). Remember part of you is also your mom, find that commonality and try to build on it, not just focus on the negative (which you only seem to be doing).

 

[whatevergirl]

Hi WG,

I have tried talking calmly in the past, but as soon as I bring it up she tells me its none of my business and that I have no right talking about it. And I’m like ‘but…’ and then she normally comes back with ‘why can’t you go and live somewhere else’ at which point discussion is usually over.

I think she just hates a screaming child, so tries to avoid it by not telling him off.

I am going to leave him alone from now on, unless my mom isn’t in the house. When she is, it is her responsibility, right?

Merry Christmas to you and your family too WG!!

Hi MS! Merry Christmas to you, as well!

No, I’m sorry-maybe I wasn’t clear…I meant to talk to your mom about the faith, just planting seeds…spend quality time alone with your mom if possible, weekly…and maybe those seeds will grow, and she will change her parenting behavior. Try to just let it go for now, but see if she will have a steady coffee time with you or something…and over time, you may learn from your mom, things you didn’t always know. Maybe she is yearning for someone to hear her, too. Moms are people too! We look like we have it all together, but there are times when we just need someone to listen to us, and our pains. Maybe just give it a try, and see what happens…again, alone time…not with anyone else.

God bless!!!

 

[Magicsilence]

Hi MS! Merry Christmas to you, as well!

No, I’m sorry-maybe I wasn’t clear…I meant to talk to your mom about the faith, just planting seeds…spend quality time alone with your mom if possible, weekly…and maybe those seeds will grow, and she will change her parenting behavior. Try to just let it go for now, but see if she will have a steady coffee time with you or something…and over time, you may learn from your mom, things you didn’t always know. Maybe she is yearning for someone to hear her, too. Moms are people too! We look like we have it all together, but there are times when we just need someone to listen to us, and our pains. Maybe just give it a try, and see what happens…again, alone time…not with anyone else.

God bless!!!

Thanks for this WG, I will try and see if I can spend some time with her, maybe talking about nothing too controversial in the beginning

I think sometimes its easy to forget that moms are ‘fallible’ too, and need a shoulder to cry on just like the ‘rest of us’.

I knew it would be a mom to help me out , even if it was to point out I was in the wrong .

Peace and God Bless, and thanks for the help

 

[whatevergirl]

Thanks for this WG, I will try and see if I can spend some time with her, maybe talking about nothing too controversial in the beginning

I think sometimes its easy to forget that moms are ‘fallible’ too, and need a shoulder to cry on just like the ‘rest of us’.

I knew it would be a mom to help me out , even if it was to point out I was in the wrong .

Peace and God Bless, and thanks for the help

Oh, I don’t think you are wrong, my friend. I think there is more than one way to skin a cat Your mother just might need someone to listen to her…to laugh with her…to be there for her…and yes, we are not infallible. So…be a good listener, and maybe she will return the favor. hugs to you

 

[FCEGM]

Hi WG,

I have tried talking calmly in the past, but as soon as I bring it up she tells me its none of my business and that I have no right talking about it. And I’m like ‘but…’ and then she normally comes back with ‘why can’t you go and live somewhere else’ at which point discussion is usually over.

I think she just hates a screaming child, so tries to avoid it by not telling him off.

I am going to leave him alone from now on, unless my mom isn’t in the house. When she is, it is her responsibility, right?

Right. I agree with those who have suggested that you let your mother be the mother. The way you have describe your mother’s responses (or non-responses), though, when your brother needs parenting suggests that she doesn’t have the desire to use her energy to correct him - other than by screaming, which is the lazy way out - like mother, like brother? It takes energy and desire to follow-through with correcting one’s children; it’s easy to yell, harder to actually do something. When you step-in it’s not so much a challenge to her authority, but a reminder that she is being lazy. Just some insight, perhaps. . . .

 

[Magicsilence]

Oh, I don’t think you are wrong, my friend. I think there is more than one way to skin a cat Your mother just might need someone to listen to her…to laugh with her…to be there for her…and yes, we are not infallible. So…be a good listener, and maybe she will return the favor. hugs to you

Hi WG,

I managed to get hold of my spiritual director at very short notice, and we talked about it. We established that I was wrong in the way I was approaching things, so change is afoot. Besides, I was tired of arguing anyway, so really needed to sort it out.

Thanks for the advice, I will try and be there for her, but she’s not too keen about spending time with me in general (I sort of go onto autopilot when any chatter starts ).

God Bless!