Constant lack of success (singleness) in pursuing relations as an expression of God's will

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I am a 29 years old man who has been trying for the past 11 years to find a Catholic girlfriend as a possible future spouse. I am a practicing Catholic, highly educated (PhD), and with a decently payed job. In all those years I have been quite regularly engaged in dating with various girls/women of my age. My intentions were (still are) serious and accompanied by prayer - no emotional deception or impurity involved whatsoever. However, all my attempts eventually ended in a failure, either as a result of direct rejection or indifference by every girl/woman involved. Now, on the basis of this constant failure and, consequently, “perpetual” singleness, I am wondering if all these events present some kind of a pattern with a deeper spiritual meaning. Is this perhaps an expression of God’s will for me to remain single? Should I quit any future attempts in this direction and just accept the circumstances “as they are”? What is your opinion or personal experience concerning this or similar issue?

P.S. 1: I believe that singleness as such (as a permanent and deliberately chosen state without a publicly expressed religious commitment) is not a genuine Christian vocation. The real vocations are only marriage, priesthood, and religious life.

P.S. 2: I do not come from North America; I am from a country in Central Europe which is historically/culturally Catholic, but in reality there are only about 7-9 % practicing Catholics in the entire population (most of them being more than 60 years old).

P.S. 3: I have been dealing this issue with my spiritual director (a doctrinally sound priest in his mid-fifties), but he laughs at me. I have an impression that, despite his good intentions, he does not “get it” - his own generation did not face such problems, most of his peers married young (for today’s criteria), and they took dating and marriage for granted.
 
Hi there and welcome. First off, don’t be so hard on yourself. I get that you are 29 and want to marry, and finding the right woman is important. Relax, and let God work through you.

Secondly, in my studies to be a permanent deacon, we learned that no single vocation is better than the other, they are all good in God’s eyes (and being single IS a vocation).

I don’t know your spiritual director, but I’m sure he is not discounting you when he laughs at you and most likely does get it.

I will pray for you and hope you find peace in your heart and trust the Lord.
 
I believe singleness is a vocation, but that we are free to choose our vocation. OP, if you are not choosing singleness, perhaps it is not truly your calling. You do want to get married. That seems to be your hearts desire from what you have said.

I am positive you don’t want to hear this, but you are not that old. You are in the prime time. Are you sure you are not trying too hard to find someone? Maybe women can sense your intense yearning and it scares them off. Maybe you need to stop looking for a bit. Or maybe you need to try online dating if you haven’t.
 
Everything will be okay.

My brother didn’t find his fiancee until he was 33. Other folks have been married much later than that.

Patience 🙂
 
I would first relax…you aren’t that old and have time. Second, consider what you are looking for and whether you are dating the type of women who are likely to want marriage and family. I cannot speak for what your criteria are, but have known many guys who pursue women they see as “hot” and women who run them through their paces being high maintenance and demanding, ignoring the more serious, sweet, less dramatic, less flashy girls who would make them happy and are mature enough to be partners in marriage

Also, if you have females in your life who will be honest with you, ask what they think. Are you too pushy or suffocating? Do you need to upgrade your hygene or appearance? How are you with social conversation? Do you listen and pay attention to what interests the woman?

Finally, let others know what you are looking for and let them know you are open to being introduced to potential girlfriend’s.

Best wishes to you.
 
I have to disagree with those that say singleness is a vocation. There are no vows taken and no permanent commitment of sacrifice. What a priest or religious gives to the Church and what a husband and wife give to their family is not paralleled in single life. Perhaps if one takes a vow of perpetual virginity and is consecrated but not just someone who chooses to be single or has not found a mate. I’m single myself and just don’t see how it is a vocation.

 
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You may wanna consider moving to a US state with a high percentage of Catholics of all ages, such as Rhode Island. Europe, unfortunately, seems to have gone mostly agnostic, especially the young.
Pray and meditate, and do not worry, whoever has God lacks nothing.
 
CHAPTER V
THE UNIVERSAL CALL TO HOLINESS IN THE CHURCH
…
40. The Lord Jesus, the divine Teacher and Model of all perfection, preached holiness of life to each and everyone of His disciples of every condition. He Himself stands as the author and consumator of this holiness of life: “Be you therefore perfect, even as your heavenly Father is perfect”.(216)(2*) Indeed He sent the Holy Spirit upon all men that He might move them inwardly to love God with their whole heart and their whole soul, with all their mind and all their strength(217) and that they might love each other as Christ loves them.(218) The followers of Christ are called by God, not because of their works, but according to His own purpose and grace. They are justified in the Lord Jesus, because in the baptism of faith they truly become sons of God and sharers in the divine nature. In this way they are really made holy. Then too, by God’s gift, they must hold on to and complete in their lives this holiness they have received. They are warned by the Apostle to live “as becomes saints”,(219) and to put on “as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved a heart of mercy, kindness, humility, meekness, patience”,(220) and to possess the fruit of the Spirit in holiness.(221) Since truly we all offend in many things (222) we all need God’s mercies continually and we all must daily pray: “Forgive us our debts”(223)(3*)

Thus it is evident to everyone, that all the faithful of Christ of whatever rank or status, are called to the fullness of the Christian life and to the perfection of charity;(4*) by this holiness as such a more human manner of living is promoted in this earthly society. In order that the faithful may reach this perfection, they must use their strength accordingly as they have received it, as a gift from Christ. They must follow in His footsteps and conform themselves to His image seeking the will of the Father in all things. They must devote themselves with all their being to the glory of God and the service of their neighbor. In this way, the holiness of the People of God will grow into an abundant harvest of good, as is admirably shown by the life of so many saints in Church history.
  1. The classes and duties of life are many, but holiness is one—that sanctity which is cultivated by all who are moved by the Spirit of God, and who obey the voice of the Father and worship God the Father in spirit and in truth. These people follow the poor Christ, the humble and cross-bearing Christ in order to be worthy of being sharers in His glory. Every person must walk unhesitatingly according to his own personal gifts and duties in the path of living faith, which arouses hope and works through charity.
–Lumen Gentium [Boldface Mine]
 
This is from the Dogmatic Constitution on the Church.

Therefore, the universal call to holiness still applies to you, by virtue of your baptism, no matter what your state in life is, even if you are single and never marry or join a religious order or become a priest. How could it be otherwise? You cannot be married or become a priest or join a religious order because you have a right to do it. No one has any such right. How can you have a duty when you have no right or guarantee to gain the state you need to fulfill it? There is no duty to become a religious, priest or married person, then. These are not required in order to reach Christian perfection and are not guaranteed to the adult faithful by virtue of baptism. All that is required is to be obedient to becoming a saint.
 
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catholiclala said:
I have to disagree with those that say singleness is a vocation. There are no vows taken and no permanent commitment of sacrifice… I’m single myself and just don’t see how it is a vocation.
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I gather you mean no permanent commitment of sacrifice other than the permanent commitment of the whole of one’s life to God, by virtue of the Sacraments of Initiation. No one who has been fully initiated can say they are not called by God to holiness, to the fullness of Christian perfection in charity. It is useful to have the concept of a permanent vocation, but that doesn’t mean that those not yet vowed are not answered for. No one who is baptized can say “I am my own.” No, you are not your own. You belong to Christ. You are totally spoken for.

But whoever is joined to the Lord becomes one spirit with him. Avoid immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the immoral person sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been purchased at a price. Therefore, glorify God in your body.
1 Cor 6: 17-20
 
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All I’m saying is it is not a vocation to be single. There were no implications about commitment to God in one’s life. Taking vows as a priest, religious or spouse is not the same but does not imply one who doesn’t take vows is lesser in a call to be holy. It just means they are not living under vows, so are not living a vocation.
 
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Before I married, I was very preoccupied with getting married, and I didn’t really “live” my life, just tried to find a spouse.

Then I married and realized I had missed a lot of opportunities to do good by the only thinking about finding someone.

I suggest that you forget about finding a wife or girlfriend and just concentrate on having a good and holy life. Do some good in the world, get involved in things–even fun things!, and grow in virtue.

By doing those things, you will become a better person with a more well-rounded life, and, ironically, better husband “material.” Enjoy and be grateful for your present life 🙂
 
catholiclala said:
All I’m saying is it is not a vocation to be single. There were no implications about commitment to God in one’s life. Taking vows as a priest, religious or spouse is not the same but does not imply one who doesn’t take vows is lesser in a call to be holy. It just means they are not living under vows, so are not living a vocation.
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If you want to hold to that definition of Vocation, so be it. But I answer, “so what?”
 
Rau said:
If you want to hold to that definition of Vocation, so be it. But I answer, “so what?”
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Was there a question you are answering? I’m just using the definition traditionally recognized by the Church. This is not a value judgment. As a single myself I see no purpose in trying to make my relationship status fit into a definition that it does not. What purpose does that serve?
 
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Annie said:
Before I married, I was very preoccupied with getting married, and I didn’t really “live” my life, just tried to find a spouse.

Then I married and realized I had missed a lot of opportunities to do good by the only thinking about finding someone.

I suggest that you forget about finding a wife or girlfriend and just concentrate on having a good and holy life. Do some good in the world, get involved in things–even fun things!, and grow in virtue.

By doing those things, you will become a better person with a more well-rounded life, and, ironically, better husband “material.” Enjoy and be grateful for your present life 🙂
Click to expand...
Agreed. So many people waste time fretting about finding the person instead of spending time becoming themselves in all of their God given glory, which will in turn make them a more attractive and ready spouse. It can be hard to focus on what you don’t have to the effect of repelling what you are looking for and not fully engaging in life.
 
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catholiclala said:
I’m just using the definition traditionally recognized by the Church.
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You support the claim that the single life is not a vocation. And I am asking you “so what?”. The meaning is - “what is it that flows from that, pertinent to one’s life and the topic of this thread?
 
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Rau said:
You raised the claim that the single life is not a vocation. And I am asking you “so what?”. The meaning is - “what is it that flows from that, pertinent to your life and the topic of this thread?
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The OP did mention not believing single life is a vocation and others said it is. I didn’t just bring this up out of nowhere. It does make one think whether a spouse (and the perpetual seeking of one) is in God’s will, especially if one is not successful (the post topic). I do think it could be in God’s will for someone to be single but that does not mean it is inherently a vocation. I don’t know, but maybe everyone doesn’t have a vocation in the traditional sense? That does not mean it is impossible for one to live out God’s will for their life.
 
HtPt said:
P.S. 1: I believe that singleness as such (as a permanent and deliberately chosen state without a publicly expressed religious commitment) is not a genuine Christian vocation. The real vocations are only marriage, priesthood, and religious life.
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What significance do you see this belief has for people who are neither married nor pursuing priesthood or religious life?
 
I can sympathize with your situation. I have a daughter, 28 years old, would like to meet someone. Not necessarily looking for a devout Catholic. She is open to someone from any faith. She would like to find a man who is smart and kind, likes cats, and would be open to travel. There’s just no one. It’s hard to watch her be frustrated.

I can hear the frustration in your post. Everything is so much harder when you are lonely. I hope you find what you are looking for very soon.
 
29 is not too late, i know plenty of people who didn’t meet their spouse until in their 30s. Your life might just be like one of those people in term of marriage.

Also just like consecrated virgin (neither get married or join a religious order) is a real vocation (look it up), so singleness for men can also be a real vocation.
 
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