My intentions were (still are) serious and accompanied by prayer - no emotional deception or impurity involved whatsoever. However, all my attempts eventually ended in a failure, either as a result of direct rejection or indifference by every girl/woman involved. Now, on the basis of this constant failure and, consequently, “perpetual” singleness, I am wondering if all these events present some kind of a pattern with a deeper spiritual meaning. Is this perhaps an expression of God’s will for me to remain single? Should I quit any future attempts in this direction and just accept the circumstances “as they are”? What is your opinion or personal experience concerning this or similar issue?
If you want to get married, you might ask happily married people whose marriage you admire how they went about finding each other. I’m a bit afraid that you might seem to the women to be looking for an “abstract spouse,” which means they feel concerned very soon after meeting you that you are looking for an abstract wife and a mother and don’t give a lot of thought to what the woman you have in your sights wants. Hearing that, a woman may not feel you see her not as a unique person, but only as someone to fill a role in a future you have imagined for yourself.
Who wants to marry someone who seems to just want the object of his pursuit to tick off the right boxes and not tick off the wrong boxes? That feels like the guy thinks wives come out of a catalog. Any woman wants a man who will get to know her and show some concern for what direction she wants to go in life. Notice that even St. Paul wrote that “a married man is anxious about the things of the world, how he may please his wife” (1 Cor. 7: 33) If you don’t show that you care about pleasing her, well, you don’t seem much like husband material. A woman wants someone whom she can please in a way other women don’t please him, a man who will in return want to please her.
I think maybe if you find a woman of the sort you are looking for, her desire for holiness will please you and you’ll treat her in a more special way, like someone unlike you have met before. She will be pleased that you find her “a woman of worth, far beyond jewels is her value.” (Ps, 31:10)
If you read Chapter 31 of Psalms, I think you’ll see that perhaps you will act differently around the woman you are looking for when you find her. I don’t mean in an impure way, but that you’ll let her know she is a prize! If you haven’t done that, exclamation point included, then yes, indifference or rejection is likely to be the response. Men who work to let women believe they think they’re wonderful (because the man actually has impure motives) are sometimes a lot better at looking for ways to make a women know he’s noticed what is special about her. You have to be careful you don’t praise a woman of worth only as if you think she would make a great religious sister, unless of course you only want to encourage her to consider joining a convent. Otherwise, you need to find something about her that makes her a prize in a way that is personal to you, and not just “have my children, keep my home.”
