Constantly shouting at kids

[endaman]

More great replies thanks, your help is amazing, thanks.

Tonight we cut out the shouting completely and lowered the tone when speaking to them, it most certainly worked better, we also gave them a little more mommy daddy time before bed, just some playing around, instead of packing them off ASAP so we can catch up on out own work and things. Thanks, we have a long road to go but I feel the advise here as put us on the right track.

 

[underacloud]

If the day starts at 7:00 a.m. for the children, then the adults are very likely getting up at 5:30 a.m. to fit in showers, coffee, the morning news or paper or internet, prepping breakfast, laying out clothing, etc. I don’t know of too many parents of young children who sleep until their children wake up. If you do, good for you. But I always wanted to have a little time in the morning to myself before my girls got up.

Whatever works for you.

I was just responding based on emphatically you expressed your opinion. Your modus operandi will not work for all.

 

[Allegra]

If the day starts at 7:00 a.m. for the children, then the adults are very likely getting up at 5:30 a.m. to fit in showers, coffee, the morning news or paper or internet, prepping breakfast, laying out clothing, etc. I don’t know of too many parents of young children who sleep until their children wake up. If you do, good for you. But I always wanted to have a little time in the morning to myself before my girls got up.

So that means going to bed earlier to get at least 7 hours of sleep, and more sleep would be better. If the couple plans to make love before going to sleep, that will take some time (and it’s a good idea for a couple to be making love at least once in a while, even when they have three small children).

I’m guessing that when the parents say that the day starts at 7:00 a.m. for the children, it means that the children actually are awake much earlier, and they are out of the house by 7:00 a.m. and on their way to day care. I could be wrong about this, but I start work at 6:30 a.m. and the others who have children in daycare arrive at 6:00 a.m. to get them into their “classrooms.”

Seriously, folks, never underestimate the value of a really good night’s sleep on a regular basis. And many people are living sleep-deprived on their “7 hours” a night. That’s not much when you’re raising small ones.

You will find no more enthusiastic advocate of a good night’s sleep, or a late sleep in, or an afternoon nap, than myself. However, stating that one should schedule said “good night’s sleep” so that a three-year-old doesn’t percieve a lack of equity is a completely different story. And yes, my child wakes me up pretty much every morning. I see no reason to get up at 5:30 if the baby doesn’t have to be roused until seven. I would get up at…seven. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

 

[Cat]

You will find no more enthusiastic advocate of a good night’s sleep, or a late sleep in, or an afternoon nap, than myself. However, stating that one should schedule said “good night’s sleep” so that a three-year-old doesn’t percieve a lack of equity is a completely different story. And yes, my child wakes me up pretty much every morning. I see no reason to get up at 5:30 if the baby doesn’t have to be roused until seven. I would get up at…seven. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

We (my husband, daughter, and me) were just talking about this last weekend.

My husband and daughter are not morning people. They set several alarms and struggle for a good half hour or more to “wake up” in the morning.

My daughter’s husband and I are both morning people. We wake up long before our alarms go off, we shut off our alarm clocks before they go off, and we bound out of bed, wide-awake and ready to start the day! Growing up, I never had to set an alarm clock because I just woke up early.

HOWEVER…those of us who are morning people fade quickly in the evening. By 8:00 p.m., I am yawning up a storm. I don’t go to evening movies ever (in fact, I don’t go to movies more than a few times a year) because I will fall asleep. And sitting on the sofa to watch evening TV doesn’t work for me because I’ll nod off. Drives my husband nuts! He is wide awake and ready for fun and good times and socializing in the evening, while to me, once the sun is down, it’s bedtime.

So when it comes to having children, morning people have some advantages–we don’t mind getting up at 4:00 to get ready for the day and to be awake to greet our little ones who get up early.

But we also have some disadvantages–we can’t stay up late because we get up early.

So for me, once the babies/little ones were in bed, I went to bed. I didn’t stay up very long because I wasn’t able to “sleep until the kids woke up.” I would wake up long before they woke up–it’s the way my body is designed.

I think parents need to do whatever their body needs. They shouldn’t try to force themselves to stay up late and “get things done” if they are going to end up sleep-deprived.

As for going to bed to placate children, I apologize if that’s how my post came across. That’s not the main reason for going to bed early. However, when you have children like mine who didn’t miss a beat and who could argue like Perry Mason, Mom’s early bedtime was a very good argument. It’s just a side benefit of early parental bedtimes; little ones can’t use the argument, “But YOU get to stay up late! Why can’t I stay up and be with you?!” If your kids haven’t learned that argument yet, then be glad and don’t ever let them discover it!

 

[Juliet512]

1. You look for ways to give specific attention to each parent-child relationship and to also give the kids some relief from being with each other. Maybe you have a schedule: This is “Mom” week. Monday is Sheila’s time with just Mom and Dad’s time with the other two, Tuesday is Mary’s night with Mom, Wednesday is everybody together night, and Thursday is Jake’s night with Mom. and Friday is date night for Mom and Dad, with some particular treat for the kids. Then next week is “Dad” week, where he gets time with just one child while Mom spends her time with the other two. This gives each child some “one on one” time and each parent a limit on who is vying for their attention.
   We have twins, and they love getting to spend time with just one parent. When you lower the “crowd size,” you often lower the number of opportunities for conflict. Less conflict, less yelling…it could work. Then when you have a “group thing,” it will seem more special.

I love #2 of EasterJoy’s ideas! I know my kid’s behavior, no matter the time of day or situation, always improved when I make time to spend 1:1 with them at least a couple of times per week. Even if it’s just 15-20 minutes. It’s something my son’s therapist suggested to me when he was about 6. The therapist actually recommended 15-20 minutes daily but, I know that might not be possible with three kids. I am a single mom and my son was my only child at the time when I started this. So, it was easier for me to give him that time. Another thing that the therapist recommended is that to allow my son to choose the activity and make all the rules, as long as they were respectful and kind.

My son loved playing with legos or Playmobile. He had the “farm” set and would assign me “characters”… ie the chickens or goats and then he would create a little story and we would enact them out through the characters.

My daughter LOVES puzzles and when I tell her it’s her time to spend with me how she wants, she usually chooses to work a puzzle together. During that time, she usually tells me about her day. She’s 7 now and she’s in the RCIA program to make her first communion. She now LOVES to say the rosary with me each night.

But, you can also make meal time in the evening a time for sharing with the family. You can ask each child to tell you about their favorite and least favorite parts of their day. You can share your parts of the day with them also (of course in a way that is meaningful! and not overwhelming for them - ie. I tell my kids when my co-worker bought me a coffee or my boss told me I did a good job on a project.)

PS. I also recommend a book by Barbara Coloroso called How to Talk So Kids Will Listen. I read it when my son was little and it was very helpful.

 

[jatkins29]

You are not alone. I find myself in the same situation during bedtime at night. I have 4 kids - an 8 year old boy, a 6 year old girl, a 4 year old boy and now a 4 month old boy. Ever since the 4 month old was born, my youngest boy has been acting out and screaming to high heaven at us almost every night. Last night he went as far as telling us he hates us and has even started hitting us. We don’t know where this behavior came from nor are we going to allow it to continue. For us, we believe the issue lies with the fact that he is no longer the baby in the family and is demanding more attention. Bed time used to be easy for him. He went through all the night time rituals without complaining and even fell asleep quickly and slept all night. That all changed when baby #4 came in May.

One thing I have learned as a parent is that WE have to stay calm and display that to the kids. Easier said than done when one of them is screaming and hitting! We have to display the correct behavior that we want our kids to mirror. Kids are very influential and if we start shouting back they are going to learn that this behavior is acceptable.

Consistency works. It may take a LONG time to correct the behavior but it is crucial to get into a routine and stick to it as much as possible. If you give in even once it can take weeks to correct. Best of luck. I will pray for you and know that you are NOT alone.

God bless!

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

I think there is a very good point made about there not being enough free time - both for them to have some downtime, and for them to feel “like a family.”

My suggestion to increase the free/family time in that short day is to simplify dinner. I’m not sure what you do now for supper, but if there is a way to have dinner almost completely ready by the time you get home, then you could add a significant amount of time with your kids to your day. One (or both days) on the weekend, cook twice as much for dinner, so you have a ready made dinner Monday (or Monday and Tuesday). Another idea is to do as much of the cooking for the next day’s dinner after the kids are in bed the night before. Maybe this works out to be rice/pasta and veggies, and then the meat can go into the crock pot in the morning. Another thought is that if you have one of those days where dinner time comes and you’re not prepared…have scrambled eggs! Perfectly healthy, but so much quicker than a normal dinner. Make sure to keep some frozen vegetables in the freezer for nights like this.

The idea is, Monday through Thursday, do everything you can to have dinner require little to no prep, so that you can focus on being together as a family. Dinner might not be as yummy, but maybe you can be finished with dinner by 6:00, and can schedule some time together that your kids need - this might be playful energetic time, or quiet time, reading together on the couch. But I would bet that the kids would be in a more compliant mood, and you will be in a more gentle state if you don’t feel quite so rushed. Friday, you probably don’t need to have such a strict bedtime.