My child, you have to be patient with yourself and with God. Sometimes, our hardships are not part of God’s plan for us. They are the result of choices that we make or others make. They can also be part of our own natural state, such aging. There are so many possible reasons behind human suffering that I dare not speculate or attribute it to any one reason.
However, we have to remember several things. First of all, we must always remember that God loves us. God does not benefit from our existence. He did not bring us into the world to meet his needs. He brought us into the world, because he loves us. There is nothing in it for him. We are the product of pure love.
Second, we must remember that love is not the same as feeling good. Just because God loves us, does not mean that he’s going to make us feel good or even better. How much does a mother love her child. Yet, how often can a mother really make her child feel good or better? It’s really a hit and miss deal, isn’t it? There are some things that are not within the mother’s power to heal, because they involve someone else’s free will. There are other things pains that the mother cannot heal, because they are necessary, such as the pains involved in growing up and facing reality. There are other pains that the mother wants to heal, but the child is not open to the mother’s way of healing. He want her to do it his way. How much more does God love us than a mother? A mother’s love, though it is like no other love in the world, is still like a grain of sand in the midst of the universe compared to God’s love for us. However, because of our human condition, God often deals with us as does a loving mother.
He heals certain hurts. He allows others, because they are necessary. He feels for us when other hurts are imposed on us by the free will of a third party. He can’t intefere with free will. He stands by, patiently waiting for us to lean on him.
It’s not always possible to avoid suffering, though we should never deliberately impose suffering on any living being, including ourselves. However, it is always possible to ask God to help us learn to suffer.
We actually need to learn to suffer. That does not mean that we go out looking for suffering, as I just said. It means that we learn to look at suffering as Christ looks at suffering. For those of us who have been confirmed, this is easier. Through the grace of the sacrament we have been given the gifts of the Holy Spirit. In there somehwere is wisdom. Pray for the grace to use grace.
I have been in the situation which you describe. I always remember two stories in scripture. The first is the story of Jesus walking on water. Peter asks the Lord to let him go to him. Jesus invites him to step on the water. Peter panics and begins to drown. He says these words, “Help me Lord, I’m drowning.” And Jesus reaches into the water and pull him out.
The other story is the good thief. He turns to Jesus and says, “Remember me, when you come into your kingdom.” And Jesus promises him paradise.
I use those words quite often, maybe not often enough.
“Help me Lord, I’m drowning.”
“Remember me”
Fraternally,
Br. JR, OSF