Contine prayers or not?

[white_lily]

a twenty something girl under a private vow of virginity
Like everybody else (married or not) I have my own temptations, Which I try to conquer by prayer and avoidance of occasions of sin. I am so full of emmotional voids which I tried to satisfy by thinking about Jesus and Mary. Imaginig them in the holy house of Nazareth, bestowing their love and affection on one another. It was very delighting to do so.
But after a while I doubted it. could the pleasure I took from these thoughts be sexual?
I was scared and didn’t want to be guilty of using the thought of God as an object for my own enjoyment. I avoided doing this for sometime. (though it was a very helpful way for keeping me from sticking to creatures for emmotional fulfillment)
The result was awful. I became attached to many worldly things, and almost lost the little devotion I used to have.
Now my question: How can I make sure that the pleasure I took from these meditation was pure or not?
One of my favorite topics of devotion was Maria Lactans. But most unfortunately I experienced some unwanted bodily feelings when thinking about this most holy image.
Some women on an other forum told me that it might be breast fetshism. I hate it. :crying:I really want to believe that it was just my mothering instincit. I don’t want to be deviant.
Now what to do give up my devotion or continue ?
PS. our priest is unavailable. So I cannot ask him

 

[Trishie]

I think you should speak to your priest as you suggest.
I would also think it a good idea to speak with your priest about this private vow of virginity.
Certainly we should all be chaste according to our vocation in life, but you may need spiritual guidance as to why you would privately impose virginity as a way of life and if it is in fact God’s will.
Did you make this vow with the permission of your bishop? Or was it your own will, in which case it may be a symptom of your difficulty rather than a cure.

“There are eunuchs who have made themselves that way for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let anyone accept this that can.” [Matthew 19:12]
It may be that it is for you, maybe not, but if even meditation on scripture is a source of temptation, you may need wise guidance.

If meditation is troubling you, then perhaps stick to vocal prayers and reading scripture in a simple manner until your priest is available.

I will keep you in my prayers.
I’m sorry you’re having such a difficult time. God grant you peace and simplicity.