Contracepting spouse and pastoral conflict

[Tigre]

I’m in a pickle, so I’m soliciting the forum for advice. I think this is the right place for this topic. Here goes:

My wife and I just had our first child. She has decided to contracept going forward in part because of irregular cycles but also to space out the birth of our next child. She knows the Church’s position on contraception, but she has rationalized herself out of her use falling into the mortal sin category. She knows I am with the Church on the issue and that I would rather us practice NFP. My heart breaks for her, and I am praying for her conversion on the issue.

I understand the conditions under which the Vademecum for confessors allows for marital activity in such situations. I obviously need to seek pastoral guidance regarding this. My problem is, to whom should I go?

Our parish priest is also my spiritual director. I feel conflicted in raising this issue with him because it involves my wife’s sins and she may or may not want him to know or want to confess this (yet, hopefully). I am trusting Jesus to work in her, and it seems like airing her laundry, so to speak, to our common priest might not be prudent right now.

I also don’t have a regular confessor, although I participate in reconciliation every two weeks or so.

So, what say you? Should I bring this to: (a) our parish priest and my SD, after telling her I plan to do so; (b) our parish priest and my SD without telling her; (c) make an appointment with some other priest for pastoral guidance (perhaps one recommended by my SD?) or (d) spring it on a random priest in the confessional?

 

[ChelleyD]

I don’t have an answer for which choice I think you should make. But I do want to ask if you and your wife have considered NFP? There are many methods out there and the only one I have familiarity with is the Creighton Method. The tracking that is done with this method often points to underlying causes of such things as your wife’s irregular cycles. A course of treatment can then be decided on that will be in keeping with Church teaching AND you’re not contracepting. You can find more information at Pope Paul VI Institute for the Study of Human Reproduction.

Hope this helps.

 

[Tigre]

Thanks Chelley. We absolutely considered NFP. I am with it. She isn’t. Holy Spirit, please help us to do His will.

 

[pensmama87]

Congratulations on the birth of your baby!

I think it would make sense to bring this up with your SD. I certainly wouldn’t avoid it if it’s weighing heavily on your mind. Now, whether or not you find a new one I don’t know. You might even ask your SD that - “I want to talk about some issues with our marriage, but I’m concerned about discussing that when you also know her. What do you advise?”

You could also ask for a recommendation for a marriage counselor from your priest.

On a practical note, the adjustment to a first baby is very, very hard on both parents, but for mothers it can be exceptionally difficult. If she is breastfeeding, that can affect cycles from them simply not occurring for many months to not ovulating some of the time but still cycling and those cycles being irregular (on top of whatever other conditions might be causing irregular cycles - though NFP doesn’t depend on regular cycles.) At any rate, postpartum is not a great time to learn it, and there’s no way for you to do it if she won’t, since it’s dependent on tracking her fertility symptoms.

I’d put a lot of focus on helping her out with the baby and household stuff so she doesn’t feel like she’s floundering. And even if your baby is already several months old, I wouldn’t rule out postpartum depression, either - that can make “normal baby stuff” just seem even more overwhelming and impossible.

 

[estesbob]

I’m in a pickle, so I’m soliciting the forum for advice. I think this is the right place for this topic. Here goes:

My wife and I just had our first child. She has decided to contracept going forward in part because of irregular cycles but also to space out the birth of our next child. She knows the Church’s position on contraception, but she has rationalized herself out of her use falling into the mortal sin category. She knows I am with the Church on the issue and that I would rather us practice NFP. My heart breaks for her, and I am praying for her conversion on the issue.

I understand the conditions under which the Vademecum for confessors allows for marital activity in such situations. I obviously need to seek pastoral guidance regarding this. My problem is, to whom should I go?

Our parish priest is also my spiritual director. I feel conflicted in raising this issue with him because it involves my wife’s sins and she may or may not want him to know or want to confess this (yet, hopefully). I am trusting Jesus to work in her, and it seems like airing her laundry, so to speak, to our common priest might not be prudent right now.

I also don’t have a regular confessor, although I participate in reconciliation every two weeks or so.

So, what say you? Should I bring this to: (a) our parish priest and my SD, after telling her I plan to do so; (b) our parish priest and my SD without telling her; (c) make an appointment with some other priest for pastoral guidance (perhaps one recommended by my SD?) or (d) spring it on a random priest in the confessional?

The Church has addressed this:

13. Special difficulties are presented by cases of cooperation in the sin of a spouse who voluntarily renders the unitive act infecund. In the first place, it is necessary to distinguish cooperation in the proper sense, from violence or unjust imposition on the part of one of the spouses, which the other spouse in fact cannot resist.46, 561).] This cooperation can be licit when the three following conditions are jointly met:

1. 
   *]*when the action of the cooperating spouse is not already illicit in itself;47 *
   *]*when proportionally grave reasons exist for cooperating in the sin of the other spouse; *
   *]when one is seeking to help the other spouse to desist from such conduct (patiently, with prayer, charity and dialogue; although not necessarily in that moment, nor on every single occasion).
   
   14. Furthermore, it is necessary to carefully evaluate the question of cooperation in evil when recourse is made to means which can have an abortifacient effect.48
   
   vatican.va/roman_curia/pontifical_councils/family/documents/rc_pc_family_doc_12021997_vademecum_en.html
   
   Good discussion here also:
   
   catholicexchange.com/when-marital-sex-is-a-sin

 

[Tigre]

The Church has addressed this:

I know. I understand the Vademecum conditions, but I would like pastoral guidance on the situation to make sure they are applied correctly. For example, do I have proportionately grave reasons for element 2? I don’t want to make that call on my own. And paragraph 14: does it depend on the type of prescription as to whether it has abortifacient effects? I’m not a doctor.

To be more clear, my main inquiry is who is the proper priest to take this to. Our common parish priest (and my SD) or someone else?

 

[jmjZelie]

I know. I understand the Vademecum conditions, but I would like pastoral guidance on the situation to make sure they are applied correctly. For example, do I have proportionately grave reasons for element 2? I don’t want to make that call on my own. And paragraph 14: does it depend on the type of prescription as to whether it has abortifacient effects? I’m not a doctor.

To be more clear, my main inquiry is who is the proper priest to take this to. Our common parish priest (and my SD) or someone else?

I think it would be best to consult with your usual SD, even though he is also the pastor at your parish and would know your wife. I am sure this is not the first time such a dilemma has come up in his priesthood.

 

[SWolf]

I know. I understand the Vademecum conditions, but I would like pastoral guidance on the situation to make sure they are applied correctly. For example, do I have proportionately grave reasons for element 2? I don’t want to make that call on my own. And paragraph 14: does it depend on the type of prescription as to whether it has abortifacient effects? I’m not a doctor.

To be more clear, my main inquiry is who is the proper priest to take this to. Our common parish priest (and my SD) or someone else?

She is committing a mortal sin. Take the pills, throw them away. If she buys them again, repeat.

If you had a pornography addiction that you obstinately refused to address, she would have every right to destroy your computer to keep you from mortal sin…

 

[jmjZelie]

She is committing a mortal sin. Take the pills, throw them away. If she buys them again, repeat.

If you had a pornography addiction that you obstinately refused to address, she would have every right to destroy your computer to keep you from mortal sin…

Do spouses have that right, though? I was told before that we do not have the right to throw away anything belonging to our spouses, even if it is the tool/material by which they commit mortal sin. Wouldn’t that be a sin of our own, to steal and destroy that which belongs to another?

 

[SWolf]

Do spouses have that right, though? I was told before that we do not have the right to throw away anything belonging to our spouses, even if it is the tool/material by which they commit mortal sin. Wouldn’t that be a sin of our own, to steal and destroy that which belongs to another?

I would say no, just like it would not be a sin to take a gun away from someone who was about to commit murder.

Perhaps a theologian can chime in.

 

[kozlosap]

She is committing a mortal sin. Take the pills, throw them away. If she buys them again, repeat.

If you had a pornography addiction that you obstinately refused to address, she would have every right to destroy your computer to keep you from mortal sin…

Please don’t do the above. You are not your wifes father, you are her mate.

 

[jmjZelie]

I would say no, just like it would not be a sin to take a gun away from someone who was about to commit murder.

Perhaps a theologian can chime in.

If the wife has admitted that she would get an abortion if she became pregnant, then taking away the gun would be akin to unilateral imposition of complete abstinence, but I don’t see how your analogy would apply to use of birth control pills. Now, I could see that analogy for a situation where, if the pills were abortifacients, taking away the gun would be akin to abstinence, but not throwing away the pills. Hmmm, I don’t know. This is why it is good that the OP is seeking spiritual direction about this.

 

[pensmama87]

She is committing a mortal sin. Take the pills, throw them away. If she buys them again, repeat.

If you had a pornography addiction that you obstinately refused to address, she would have every right to destroy your computer to keep you from mortal sin…

The problem is that this is not likely to help her change her mind.

I wouldn’t buy the pills, I wouldn’t fetch them, I wouldn’t remind her to take them, but I wouldn’t throw them away. All it would do is frustrate her and harden her heart, which is not exactly the situation you want if you’re hoping and praying for her conversion.

 

[jmjZelie]

The problem is that this is not likely to help her change her mind.

I wouldn’t buy the pills, I wouldn’t fetch them, I wouldn’t remind her to take them, but I wouldn’t throw them away. All it would do is frustrate her and harden her heart, which is not exactly the situation you want if you’re hoping and praying for her conversion.

This sounds like a better plan.

 

[kozlosap]

The problem is that this is not likely to help her change her mind.

I wouldn’t buy the pills, I wouldn’t fetch them, I wouldn’t remind her to take them, but I wouldn’t throw them away. All it would do is frustrate her and harden her heart, which is not exactly the situation you want if you’re hoping and praying for her conversion.

It’s quite obvious that this new mom is under stress and needs some help. Maybe she has a minor case of PPD, but regardless, playing junior high school games with her concerning the pill is not helping the situation. I would not say one word about her use of the Pill until she seems more stable. I’m praying that she finds some peace and joy soon. You have a healthy new baby and a wife that loves you both, I’m afraid that will have to do for now.

 

[pianistclare]

Go to your Spiritual Director. This precisely what they are for. Spiritual dilemmas.

Why are you afraid to talk about this?
You’re not the first person ever to encounter these kinds of obstacles.
Spiritual Direction is also confidential.

Don’t throw the pills away. That would be a childish thing to do.
When you ask strangers on the internet and not a qualified priest, you’ll get some odd responses.

Also, have you not considered this? Most new moms are not exactly anxious to have relations. You can simply avoid relations.
Can you and your spouse not control yourselves for the sake of spacing? If you chart her fertile periods, (which may not return for a time anyway) it does NOT mean total abstinence. You will not lose intimacy. You will just not experience it “on demand”.
People express intimate love in a variety of ways.
Best wishes.

 

[SWolf]

If the wife has admitted that she would get an abortion if she became pregnant, then taking away the gun would be akin to unilateral imposition of complete abstinence, but I don’t see how your analogy would apply to use of birth control pills. Now, I could see that analogy for a situation where, if the pills were abortifacients, taking away the gun would be akin to abstinence, but not throwing away the pills. Hmmm, I don’t know. This is why it is good that the OP is seeking spiritual direction about this.

Perhaps someone with cocaine or heroin would be a better analogy.

 

[SWolf]

The problem is that this is not likely to help her change her mind.

I wouldn’t buy the pills, I wouldn’t fetch them, I wouldn’t remind her to take them, but I wouldn’t throw them away. All it would do is frustrate her and harden her heart, which is not exactly the situation you want if you’re hoping and praying for her conversion.

In many cases, I would agree, but this specific case her actions are just too flagrant and in his face for that sort of response.

She did this in complete defiance of him, and the Church. She knew he was against it, and did it anyways, seemingly without really even trying the alternatives that would put her on the good side of the Church and her husband. It’s just unbelievably disrespectful, and she knew this would make him feel like an accessory to her sin.

Just giving her a “I think this is wrong” speech doesn’t cut it. It will just show he is tacitly accepting her horrible behavior by it not having any real consequences. Sometimes words are cheap. This is one of those times.

Throwing them away doesn’t have to be a show. Just throw them away. If she asks where they are, or why you threw them away, tell her birth control pills are unacceptable in a Catholic household, which they are, and say you are willing to look into other alternatives, like Creighton, with her. End of discussion.

If she gets mad, fine. If she takes them in secret, fine. At least he won’t be a knowing accessory to it anymore, and it shows that sort of behavior is not acceptable.

It’s more likely for her to change her mind going this way than talking to a counselor in my humble opinion, and he will have a cleaner conscience.

 

[estesbob]

I swear that if one was to depend upon social media instead of Scripture they will believe Jesus spent his entire ministry throwing dinner parties for sinners

 

[CB_Catholic]

In many cases, I would agree, but this specific case her actions are just too flagrant and in his face for that sort of response.

She did this in complete defiance of him, and the Church. She knew he was against it, and did it anyways, seemingly without really even trying the alternatives that would put her on the good side of the Church and her husband. It’s just unbelievably disrespectful, and she knew this would make him feel like an accessory to her sin.

Just giving her a “I think this is wrong” speech doesn’t cut it. It will just show he is tacitly accepting her horrible behavior by it not having any real consequences. Sometimes words are cheap. This is one of those times.

Throwing them away doesn’t have to be a show. Just throw them away. If she asks where they are, or why you threw them away, tell her birth control pills are unacceptable in a Catholic household, which they are, and say you are willing to look into other alternatives, like Creighton, with her. End of discussion.

If she gets mad, fine. If she takes them in secret, fine. At least he won’t be a knowing accessory to it anymore, and it shows that sort of behavior is not acceptable.

It’s more likely for her to change her mind going this way than talking to a counselor in my humble opinion, and he will have a cleaner conscience.

You are totally off-base here and this thread should end right now because of the great harm advice like you have given can cause. The Church has made it clear that people are not to be forced or coerced to act against their will or conscience. What you are proposing is disrespectful of the wife, and a misunderstanding of the role of a spouse in marriage. She is not a child, she does not belong to her husband, she has her own soul, he is not the guardian of it, he is not the controller of her life.

I will tell you something–I tried a similar thing with a alcoholic husband by pitching his booze, and it was a total disaster, he did not seek treatment, it made the marriage worse and almost ended in a divorce. I was assuming a role I had no business assuming, and it probably prolonged the drinking by years because I was not respecting him as a person with a God-given right to make his own mistakes and choices. The choices might be wrong, but it was not my responsibility to control him.

The OP needs to speak to his priest and follow Church teaching on the matter, period. Bringing a problem like this to a forum is not good, as no one here knows the people involved, and have no right to give direction in the matter.