Contracepting spouse and pastoral conflict

[Xantippe]

While I don’t really expect consistency in an online forum I will point out that the consensus was that it is ok to deny relations with even a repentant pornography using spouse. I don’t believe you should deny your spouse in either case but I’m curious as to why the difference.

I know would just feel too used to be intimate with a wife who only wanted to use my body to satiate her lustful, inordinate desires. If she can’t handle all of me (including my fertility) then she ain’t getting none.

In the postpartum case, she may not actually want to have sex (or much sex), but feel dutiful and conscience-stricken about her husband’s “needs,” but at the same time terrified about getting pregnant again. The folklore on this is that husbands are ravening wolves and if they don’t have all the sex all the time, Bad Things will happen.

I don’t know if that’s the OP’s wife’s situation, but I suspect a lot of postpartum women feel exactly like that–not actually wanting to have sex, but feeling that they ought to. If that is the case, the OP may be able to achieve a lot by explaining that he’s fine and that he can wait as long as she needs him to wait.

By the way, OP, you don’t have to answer this, but do you have a history of NFP failure as a couple and do you have any history of successful NFP use before now? If there’s no or little history of successful NFP and if there is a history of failure, it’s easy to see where the temptation to go on birth control is coming from.

Edited to add: There’s a widespread belief (both in the wider culture and on CAF) that good wives need to be continually doling out the sexual Scooby Snacks. That belief runs smack into the realities of the postpartum situation, particularly for practicing Catholic couples.

 

[paperwight66]

In the postpartum case, she may not actually want to have sex (or much sex), but feel dutiful and conscience-stricken about her husband’s “needs,” but at the same time terrified about getting pregnant again. The folklore on this is that husbands are ravening wolves and if they don’t have all the sex all the time, Bad Things will happen.

I don’t know if that’s the OP’s wife’s situation, but I suspect a lot of postpartum women feel exactly like that–not actually wanting to have sex, but feeling that they ought to. If that is the case, the OP may be able to achieve a lot by explaining that he’s fine and that he can wait as long as she needs him to wait.

By the way, OP, you don’t have to answer this, but do you have a history of NFP failure as a couple and do you have any history of successful NFP use before now? If there’s no or little history of successful NFP and if there is a history of failure, it’s easy to see where the temptation to go on birth control is coming from.

This is totally wise post, making good points.

And I hope this isn’t jumped on as derailing the thread, but the point you make about the wife feeling she had to have sex even if she didn’t feel like it, was precisely why we found NFP so hard. It was if the calendar had to rule everything, particularly if there were only very few safe days in the month. It was bad enough feeling worried sick about another pregnancy, without feeling guilt as well, for not being a willing wife.

 

[Sen]

That first 6 weeks was like a slow moving nightmare for me. I had a very difficult pregnancy (hyperemesis gravidarum is horrible) and had ppd and was just a mess. I remember my brother sending me the trailer for Secret In Their Eyes, telling me it looked like something I would enjoy. And yeah, it is the kind of movie I would have probably liked before my baby was born, but I got to the part in the trailer where the detective finds out that the body that they’ve just found in the dumpster is her daughter and I just fell apart. My husband came home from work to find me on the couch clutching my baby girl and crying hysterically. I cried about everything. My mother in law had come to stay a week and help and I cried to my husband at night that I didn’t want her there anymore (and we have a good relationship, she’s a wonderful woman, I just didn’t want anyone there) and then I cried when she left because I was scared of taking care of my daughter alone. I cried when my husband went to work every morning and cried when he came home. I was more exhausted than I’ve ever been in my life. The enormity of being a parent and being responsible for this tiny person hit me and I was terrified about doing it right. And I couldn’t stop crying. In short, I was a mess.

I also really wanted to go on birth control. I knew the church’s teaching, I even agreed with them. I never thought I’d be in that position but I was. And I desperately wanted birth control. I was flat out terrified of conceiving again to soon. My husband was horrified I wanted to take birth control and tried to argue me out of it with doctrine and sin and all that and it didn’t work because I knew all that. I knew it was a mortal sin. I knew what the church taught and why she taught it. It didn’t matter to me. My fear was so intense and the memories of the truly hellish first part of my pregnancy were still so strong that I didn’t care. Arguing with me did nothing and if I had gone on birth control and he’d done something like thrown them away honestly with the state of mind I was in… well I’m not sure what I would have done but it wouldn’t have been pretty. I probably would have gone nuclear. I might have gone back to the doctor and just demanded he tie my tubes or something like that.

It does get better. PPD can be treated, you get more confident about your abilities as a mother, your body recovers, memories fade, you settle into a routine and start getting more sleep. My husband realized arguing doctrine was doing nothing and we were finally able to get to the route of the problem which was my intense fear of being pregnant again to soon. We were able to reach a compromise on that without my going on BC (in our case the compromise was total abstinence during the 6 months that my doctor said it would be truly dangerous for me to get pregnant again in and then using Marquette nfp very conservatively). He took over several chores in the house to lighten my load and he started taking the baby on Saturday mornings, letting me sleep in as long as I wanted and making breakfast for me when I woke up. My advice is to treat your wife very gently, do everything you can to help her, and try and see if you can find a compromise that will keep her off the pill. Total abstinence for a period of time? Really conservative NFP like Marquette? I really love the monitor with Marquette, it gives me confidence that I’m reading my mucus signs correctly. Good luck and I’ll pray for you both.

 

[Maximilan_Kolbe]

While I don’t really expect consistency in an online forum I will point out that the consensus was that it is ok to deny relations with even a repentant pornography using spouse. I don’t believe you should deny your spouse in either case but I’m curious as to why the difference.

I know would just feel too used to be intimate with a wife who only wanted to use my body to satiate her lustful, inordinate desires. If she can’t handle all of me (including my fertility) then she ain’t getting none.

I do not know, hence why I question the double standard in terms of dealing with something that could have grave consequences, or something you find morally repugnant. I won’t cast aspsersions at a wife who refuses a husband because he has abused (addicted in some cases) pornography, I won’t judge a man who refuses relations with a woman who he just found out was having an affair, and won’t judge a man who feels he cannot partake of sexual relations with a contracepting woman. The spouses need to understand regardless of their own mental state that choosing something can be just as horrific, unaccpetable, and spiritually damaging to their spouse. If contraception is this choice, abstinence is the best course, IMO.

I would ensure whatever I did was weighed with great calculation in terms of their emotional state, eternal soul, and a loving spousal attitude, in any case.

Regarding throwing out their vices, I wouldn’t fault my wife if this happened. If she found a stash of hidden booze I’d been binging on, or a stash of pornography, I’d have no issue with her tossing them. They don’t belong in my life, although she could ask that I get rid of them as well first. In these cases and the case of contraception, my concern is additionally the risk of the children finding these things. I recall finding a Penthouse (it was probably 15 years old when I found it) back when I was twelve. My mother was livid that my father even had it, much less kept it in the house. It opened my eyes to things I had no business seeing, sadly. Now for me as a father of young children, anything that isn’t spiritually healthy has no place in my house, for me and my wife as well as for them.

I do agree with Xantippe that special consideration needs to be given to the PP wife, especially as a man who does not deal with the same chemical and biological issues. I would be allowances to a point, and handle the situation differently than I would someone who is simply being obstinant and belligerent with no good reason.

 

[Burt_Macklin]

In the postpartum case, she may not actually want to have sex (or much sex), but feel dutiful and conscience-stricken about her husband’s “needs,” but at the same time terrified about getting pregnant again. The folklore on this is that husbands are ravening wolves and if they don’t have all the sex all the time, Bad Things will happen.

I don’t know if that’s the OP’s wife’s situation, but I suspect a lot of postpartum women feel exactly like that–not actually wanting to have sex, but feeling that they ought to. If that is the case, the OP may be able to achieve a lot by explaining that he’s fine and that he can wait as long as she needs him to wait.

By the way, OP, you don’t have to answer this, but do you have a history of NFP failure as a couple and do you have any history of successful NFP use before now? If there’s no or little history of successful NFP and if there is a history of failure, it’s easy to see where the temptation to go on birth control is coming from.

Edited to add: There’s a widespread belief (both in the wider culture and on CAF) that good wives need to be continually doling out the sexual Scooby Snacks. That belief runs smack into the realities of the postpartum situation, particularly for practicing Catholic couples.

I think it is reasonable to rule out NFP until regular cycles return. I really doubt, however, that the wife will be willing to try NFP provided the husband doesn’t desire sex. That seems like a sneaky way of shifting the blame to the non-contracepting spouse.

 

[MJJean]

No. It’s a hard boundary she has every right to enforce.

A married person is under no obligation to cooperate in a spouse’s sin.

Hardball is recommended all the time for a spouse who is completely neglecting their duties.

It also allows the spouse to abstain.

This sounds nice, but the reality is when a spouse fails to set boundaries, they get walked all over and the spouse loses respect for them. The sin continues and even worse transgressions happen in the future.

Does the wife have any moral agency or not?
Does the wife have an obligation to her husband or not?

I hope everyone knows what Swolf was responding to so that my responses will be in context.

I believe spouses having boundaries is healthy. I also believe it’s best to make boundaries clear and enforce them. However, when setting and enforcing boundaries within a marriage, you better be prepared for the consequences.

We had a poster here over a year ago that was in a very similar situation as the OP. We became buddies through PM’s and then became Facebook friends. We talked a lot over about a year and are now chatting every few weeks. She hasn’t been here for a while, so I am trying to skip the identifying info.

Anyways, it was one spouse done with NFP and the other not wanting to have relations with contraception involved. They had two young kids. Neither was willing to bend. Resentment and distance grew. Within a couple months of the thread here, the sick of NFP spouse walked.

Spouse A decided to “play hardball”. What Spouse A failed to factor in is that it only takes one to legally end a marriage. Spouse B joined the hardball game with a divorce attorney. Spouse A tried desperately to save the marriage, including demanding counseling and refusing to cooperate in the divorce beyond assuring financial support and a roof over the the heads of the children. They are now divorced. Spouse B remarried very shortly after the divorce was final (less than 6 months after the filing) Spouse A has applied for annulment and is “casually dating” while awaiting a decision.

The truly sad part is Spouse A and Spouse B were raised catholic, did everything right including marriage prep, no premarital sex on either side, used NFP, went to Mass weekly, etc. Now, a little over a year later, Spouse A is a very lukewarm catholic and rarely attends Mass anymore and Spouse B has left the Church altogether.

From the OP’s point of view, his wife is being unreasonable and is willing to commit a sin.

From the OP’s wife’s point of view, it’s her choice as she has God given free will, her H isn’t the one with the sin on his shoulders, and refusing her intimacy if she contracepts is unreasonable.

The Church says that, as long as OP has made his objections known and doesn’t assist in contraception, being intimate with his wife is something he can do with a clear conscience.

Considering what’s at stake, the marriage and family, if it were me in that situation I’d think long and hard before risking a divorce by turning my marriage into a glorified roommate situation.

 

[Burt_Macklin]

I do not know, hence why I question the double standard in terms of dealing with something that could have grave consequences, or something you find morally repugnant. I won’t cast aspsersions at a wife who refuses a husband because he has abused (addicted in some cases) pornography, I won’t judge a man who refuses relations with a woman who he just found out was having an affair, and won’t judge a man who feels he cannot partake of sexual relations with a contracepting woman. The spouses need to understand regardless of their own mental state that choosing something can be just as horrific, unaccpetable, and spiritually damaging to their spouse. If contraception is this choice, abstinence is the best course, IMO.

Using abstinence is the nuclear option in my view. And if you go nuclear you have to be prepared for mutually assured destruction. I don’t think the OP should give up so quickly.

 

[SWolf]

I hope everyone knows what Swolf was responding to so that my responses will be in context.

I believe spouses having boundaries is healthy. I also believe it’s best to make boundaries clear and enforce them. However, when setting and enforcing boundaries within a marriage, you better be prepared for the consequences.

We had a poster here over a year ago that was in a very similar situation as the OP. We became buddies through PM’s and then became Facebook friends. We talked a lot over about a year and are now chatting every few weeks. She hasn’t been here for a while, so I am trying to skip the identifying info.

Anyways, it was one spouse done with NFP and the other not wanting to have relations with contraception involved. They had two young kids. Neither was willing to bend. Resentment and distance grew. Within a couple months of the thread here, the sick of NFP spouse walked.

Spouse A decided to “play hardball”. What Spouse A failed to factor in is that it only takes one to legally end a marriage. Spouse B joined the hardball game with a divorce attorney. Spouse A tried desperately to save the marriage, including demanding counseling and refusing to cooperate in the divorce beyond assuring financial support and a roof over the the heads of the children. They are now divorced. Spouse B remarried very shortly after the divorce was final (less than 6 months after the filing) Spouse A has applied for annulment and is “casually dating” while awaiting a decision.

The truly sad part is Spouse A and Spouse B were raised catholic, did everything right including marriage prep, no premarital sex on either side, used NFP, went to Mass weekly, etc. Now, a little over a year later, Spouse A is a very lukewarm catholic and rarely attends Mass anymore and Spouse B has left the Church altogether.

From the OP’s point of view, his wife is being unreasonable and is willing to commit a sin.

From the OP’s wife’s point of view, it’s her choice as she has God given free will, her H isn’t the one with the sin on his shoulders, and refusing her intimacy if she contracepts is unreasonable.

The Church says that, as long as OP has made his objections known and doesn’t assist in contraception, being intimate with his wife is something he can do with a clear conscience.

Considering what’s at stake, the marriage and family, if it were me in that situation I’d think long and hard before risking a divorce by turning my marriage into a glorified roommate situation.

Given the speed of the remarriage, it sounds like the contraception issue was the tip of the iceberg in that marriage’s downfall.

I had an uncle who had an affair. My aunt’s only demand to give him marital relations back was to cut contact with his mistress. He refused and divorced her.

You hit the nail on the head with one part though, you have to accept the consequences, and, as Burt said, refusing marital relations is the nuclear option. I think it is justified and maybe necessary, some others disagree. It’s a tough call.

 

[SWolf]

I suspect that pianistclare Clare was talking to you, not the OP.

Also, I have to agree with her that Luke 6:43 is pretty random in this context.

Why not Matthew 5 instead?

"38 "You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ 39 But I say to you, Do not resist one who is evil. But if any one strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also; 40 and if any one would sue you and take your coat, let him have your cloak as well; 41 and if any one forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. 42 Give to him who begs from you, and do not refuse him who would borrow from you. 43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. 46 For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? 47 And if you salute only your brethren, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? 48 You, therefore, must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.”

Would this apply to a marital relations with a pornography addicted, cheating spouse also?

If so, we at least have some consistency.

 

[MJJean]

In the postpartum case, she may not actually want to have sex (or much sex), but feel dutiful and conscience-stricken about her husband’s “needs,” but at the same time terrified about getting pregnant again. The folklore on this is that husbands are ravening wolves and if they don’t have all the sex all the time, Bad Things will happen.

I don’t know if that’s the OP’s wife’s situation, but I suspect a lot of postpartum women feel exactly like that–not actually wanting to have sex, but feeling that they ought to. If that is the case, the OP may be able to achieve a lot by explaining that he’s fine and that he can wait as long as she needs him to wait.

By the way, OP, you don’t have to answer this, but do you have a history of NFP failure as a couple and do you have any history of successful NFP use before now? If there’s no or little history of successful NFP and if there is a history of failure, it’s easy to see where the temptation to go on birth control is coming from.

Edited to add: There’s a widespread belief (both in the wider culture and on CAF) that good wives need to be continually doling out the sexual Scooby Snacks. That belief runs smack into the realities of the postpartum situation, particularly for practicing Catholic couples.

Speaking of cultural stereotypes…

Women have “needs”, too! The other side to that coin is women who think good husbands need to dole out the sexual Scooby Snacks.

Sure, a lot of post-partum women want nothing to do with sex for a time. But a lot of post-partum women out there want sex very badly and as soon as possible.

I think it is reasonable to rule out NFP until regular cycles return. I really doubt, however, that the wife will be willing to try NFP provided the husband doesn’t desire sex. That seems like a sneaky way of shifting the blame to the non-contracepting spouse.

I don’t think of it as “blame shifting”. That implies that one party is at fault and wrongly shifting the blame onto the other party. Each spouse in this case is coming from a different, yet equally valid, point of view.

 

[Maximilan_Kolbe]

Given the speed of the remarriage, it sounds like the contraception issue was the tip of the iceberg in that marriage’s downfall.

I had an uncle who had an affair. My aunt’s only demand to give him marital relations back was to cut contact with his mistress. He refused and divorced her.

You hit the nail on the head with one part though, you have to accept the consequences, and, as Burt said, refusing marital relations is the nuclear option. I think it is justified and maybe necessary, some others disagree. It’s a tough call.

Yeah, I never said it was a good option. When we are dealing with this sort of situation, we are talking about the “least bad” option. But if a person cannot stomach sexual relations with a spouse to is using contraception (and possibly abortifacients), cannot stomach relations with an adulterous spouse or one who indulges on porn as an outlet, I can understand it.

I guess I don’t see abstinence for now as a horrible thing. If this is truly related to PP issues, and cooler heads are likely to prevail, wouldn’t that be a win-win for both parties, assuming the OP is okay with abstaining for now? With PP issues, they tend to be time-limited by nature and biology. It becomes tougher when a couple is abstinent for the other reasons discussed.

 

[SWolf]

Sure, a lot of post-partum women want nothing to do with sex for a time. But a lot of post-partum women out there want sex very badly and as soon as possible.

Oh man… this is so true. Making up for lost time I suppose

 

[Xantippe]

I think it is reasonable to rule out NFP until regular cycles return. I really doubt, however, that the wife will be willing to try NFP provided the husband doesn’t desire sex. That seems like a sneaky way of shifting the blame to the non-contracepting spouse.

Not at all.

If there’s no sex happening, there’s no risk of pregnancy, so no “need” to use contraception.

Also, given enough time off the pill, natural cycles will reestablish themselves and the couple will be able to look at records and figure out what’s going on. Example: “It looks like last month you ovulated on Day 14 and we would have had 10 infertile days to work with.” Do a few of those sample cycles, let the wife calm down, catch up on her sleep, and settle down into new motherhood, and pretty soon it’s likely she’ll be happier about the whole thing, maybe even talking about a new baby.

After all, if I remember correctly, this couple is planning on having at least one more child. She’s going to go off the pill eventually if that’s the plan.

 

[Xantippe]

Would this apply to a marital relations with a pornography addicted, cheating spouse also?

If so, we at least have some consistency.

A cheating spouse is endangering the innocent spouse’s health and life and potentially the health and life of an unborn child.

Likewise, a spouse using pornography often develops a selfish and distorted sexuality that they inflict on the innocent spouse.

But in any of those cases (including contraception), the affected spouse is free to abstain, but the existence of the vademecum suggests that innocent spouses are not obligated to abstain in the case of contraception and that strong pastoral reasons exist to maintain as much of the marital bond as is possible.

 

[Xantippe]

Speaking of cultural stereotypes…

Women have “needs”, too! The other side to that coin is women who think good husbands need to dole out the sexual Scooby Snacks.

Sure, a lot of post-partum women want nothing to do with sex for a time. But a lot of post-partum women out there want sex very badly and as soon as possible.

Oh, I know!

But the fact remains that lots of uninterested postpartum women feel guilty about depriving their husbands, while relatively fewer new fathers feel guilty about depriving their postpartum wives.

 

[MJJean]

Given the speed of the remarriage, it sounds like the contraception issue was the tip of the iceberg in that marriage’s downfall.

I had an uncle who had an affair. My aunt’s only demand to give him marital relations back was to cut contact with his mistress. He refused and divorced her.

You hit the nail on the head with one part though, you have to accept the consequences, and, as Burt said, refusing marital relations is the nuclear option. I think it is justified and maybe necessary, some others disagree. It’s a tough call.

Trying to preserve the anonymity of the parties involved lead me to skip some details.

Basically, by the time the poster came here for help and advice the marriage was pretty much over. Because they were at a NFP/Contraception forced abstinence stalemate without intimacy for an extended period of time, I believe 6+ months, damage was done to the rest of the marriage. Anger, hurt, resentment, emotional distancing, separate sleeping arrangements, etc.

The contraceptive minded spouse, Spouse B, thought refusing contraception so that they could have regular sex unreasonable, cruel, neglectful, and what’s the point of being married if we’re just going to live like roommates. From Spouse B’s point of view, Spouse A killed the marriage.

So, Spouse B moved out and filed for divorce. Since Spouse B had moved out and filed, Spouse B thought it ok to began dating. After all, the marriage had been over for a long time and it was just a matter of it being official. A couple months into dating, “sex starved” Spouse B became sexually active for the first time outside of marriage and, having been raised catholic, felt guilty. The solution was to immediately marry that sexual partner on short acquaintance.

In counseling in order to better co-parent, when this quick marriage was brought up as an area of concern, Spouse B said that doing everything right didn’t work out, so maybe doing it “wrong” would. I guess it makes a kind of convoluted sense.

The thing that differentiates marriage from every other close relationship is the sex. It’s the way we physically express our feelings, the way we join and become “one flesh”, the way we pair bond, the way we renew our vows, the way we make new life, and it has a lot of physical and psychological benefits. Refusing relations is striking at the heart of the marriage. Definitely not something to do without a whole lot of thought and a willingness to accept the possible consequences.

 

[MJJean]

Oh, I know!

But the fact remains that lots of uninterested postpartum women feel guilty about depriving their husbands, while relatively fewer new fathers feel guilty about depriving their postpartum wives.

Probably because of stereotypes! They don’t know their wives are being deprived because no one ever told them that was even a possibility!

I swear, I used to think there was something wrong with me! Just like I wasn’t “supposed to” need a c-section or have to bottle feed, I also wasn’t “supposed to” want physical intimacy shortly after giving birth. Yet, with each of my 3, that’s exactly how I felt. According to everything I’d been hearing about how men and women feel and behave, I thought I must be some kind of mutant or something.

 

[ThePCWife]

Probably because of stereotypes! They don’t know their wives are being deprived because no one ever told them that was even a possibility!

I swear, I used to think there was something wrong with me! Just like I wasn’t “supposed to” need a c-section or have to bottle feed, I also wasn’t “supposed to” want physical intimacy shortly after giving birth. Yet, with each of my 3, that’s exactly how I felt. According to everything I’d been hearing about how men and women feel and behave, I thought I must be some kind of mutant or something.

I dunno, there’s supposed to be a 40 day postpartum recovery period with no sex, traditionally in most cultures. Some women want to get right back into it, and the husband is supposed to stay away anyhow. It’s a way of balancing the needs of each new infant and recovery for a woman’s body (even if she thinks sex within the first week postpartum is a great idea) with the parents’ need to be intimate. At various points in history, the ravenous sexual desire of women was something men were supposed to temper and help their wives be continent about. We just see different stereotypes about women stewarding the man’s ravenous sex drive more these days, but it goes back and forth.

Both women and men might be incontinent at various points in the marriage, certainly.

 

[Tigre]

Wow. This thread has really picked up. To answer a poster’s question above, we don’t have a history of NFP failure. She got pregnant after 3 months of us intentionally “trying” to conceive.

By way of update, here is where we are: My wife is taking her bc pills. Her hormones have yet to re-regulate, but she is hoping one course of the pills will normalize her cycle and eliminate the emotional rollercoaster her hormones have likely been causing. Baby has reflux (which added to the stress) and we are managing that as well. Her mom (thanks be to God) is helping with mother’s day out two days a week. The emotional storm is clearing.

Due to the pills, we have agreed to abstain for the duration of her bc cycle. That was a mutual decision. It was actually pretty easy to reach consensus. So far, I think we are good from a moral standpoint.

I also told her I will need to seek advice regarding the vademecum going forward. Of course that means taking it to my SD (who is our priest). I was also fairly open with her that, based on paragraph 14, I’m not so sure what his answer will be. Paragraphs 13 and 14 aren’t exactly a model of clarity (at least to me). My amateur research has resulted in divergent opinions with respect to bc pills. I’m curious what he will say, and will post an update once I get his take.

The most interesting development, however, is that she has agreed to meet with him as well. So it looks like we will go together and bring this to a head. I think that is a good sign. I’ve decided I am not going to invest any energy in anticipating the outcome. This is squarely in God’s hands. I have faith in the sacrament of matrimony we share (and its attendant graces), and I trust Him completely. If this is our “cross,” so be it. I’ve already been blessed beyond measure. Thanks all for the prayers. I know they are helping.

 

[Xantippe]

Wow. This thread has really picked up. To answer a poster’s question above, we don’t have a history of NFP failure. She got pregnant after 3 months of us intentionally “trying” to conceive.

By way of update, here is where we are: My wife is taking her bc pills. Her hormones have yet to re-regulate, but she is hoping one course of the pills will normalize her cycle and eliminate the emotional rollercoaster her hormones have likely been causing. Baby has reflux (which added to the stress) and we are managing that as well. Her mom (thanks be to God) is helping with mother’s day out two days a week. The emotional storm is clearing.

Due to the pills, we have agreed to abstain for the duration of her bc cycle. That was a mutual decision. It was actually pretty easy to reach consensus. So far, I think we are good from a moral standpoint.

I also told her I will need to seek advice regarding the vademecum going forward. Of course that means taking it to my SD (who is our priest). I was also fairly open with her that, based on paragraph 14, I’m not so sure what his answer will be. Paragraphs 13 and 14 aren’t exactly a model of clarity (at least to me). My amateur research has resulted in divergent opinions with respect to bc pills. I’m curious what he will say, and will post an update once I get his take.

The most interesting development, however, is that she has agreed to meet with him as well. So it looks like we will go together and bring this to a head. I think that is a good sign. I’ve decided I am not going to invest any energy in anticipating the outcome. This is squarely in God’s hands. I have faith in the sacrament of matrimony we share (and its attendant graces), and I trust Him completely. If this is our “cross,” so be it. I’ve already been blessed beyond measure. Thanks all for the prayers. I know they are helping.

Very good!

Hopefully the reflux will resolve soon, too.